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Long lasting marriage

Posted: Jul 3, 2013

Question......how do you keep the "sparks" alive in your marriage? I have been married for 20 years and I do love my husband with every bit of me, BUT the romance aspect is just gone. He tries to do romantic things for me, but I guess it's more that the "attraction" is gone in a way, it is so confusing. Like, my husband and I are still intimate, but we don't kiss or flirt or anything like that. It almost just feels like he is a family member or something. I know I love him with all of my heart, I would still die for him and always be there for him, but I miss the romantic aspect of a relationship. Anyone else ever had this after years of marriage?

;

Maybe a marital Westermarck effect? - Norrie

[ In Reply To ..]
When you've been together a long time I think nature itself changes a person's feelings. Not just menopause, etc., but just being together for so long. Maybe after 20 years there is just a "Westermarck marital dynamic" going on with long-married married couples, so even though a gesture may be romantic, it has lost its punch. There's a lot of anthropological research to suggest that major sexual attraction has to do with raising children and that it only lasts about 2 years, the time it took for a child to be mobile and more able to fend for itself in terms of feeding, etc. The mother didn't need the male as much after that period.

There are women like that - Use the man...

[ In Reply To ..]
Have the kid/kids, then cut their husband off. Sweet. There probably is an animal base for that, but we're a higher form and can rise above that to keep the home fires burning. Why would any man want to stick around for the next 30 years without "any."

I like to think we women are smarter than that, but maybe not. I like to think I am.

I am married 38 years - and...

[ In Reply To ..]
I make sure to flirt, and he does the same with me. Not serious overt flirting, just a sensual touch as we pass in the kitchen or something.

To keep sparks, I also don't reject his advances, whether I'm "in the mood" or not. My man ain't going nowhere else for affection, that's for sure---he's getting it at home. I'm also very nice to him, which I find is actually not the norm with most couples I know. I think that being a rejecting b*tch will surely make him ripe for some sweet young thing.

Some of that initial serious spark just sort of transforms into a nice comfort. Doesn't sound like anything's wrong in your marriage.

If you want to bring back romance, go for it---have a nice dinner by candlelight, whether it's at home or out. You might have to initiate it, but it doesn't matter who initiates what.

Start kissing!! Eat dinner by candlelight. - Hold hands

[ In Reply To ..]
Put on music and slow dance in the living room. Go for a walk at sunset.

It's the little things that are romantic, personally.

There's all sorts of things you can do.. figure out what sparks your romantic tendencies and try them out!

Don't wait for him to do it first, either... you surprise him and start! =]

Agree - see msg please

[ In Reply To ..]
I totally agree. Why wait for the other person? If you want it, go for it.

Make time to reminisce. Take a journey back through - through the years.

[ In Reply To ..]
Remind yourself how you met, how he stole your heart and how you stole his. Remember what all you did together, what you said to each other and how good it felt to fall in love. Visit your old haunts, even if it means an out of town trip, and try to reconstruct the paths you took together to get from there to here. Stop to savor the most meaningful events you shared and focus, focus, focus on what it is about him that make him special to you. Take the photo album out and swap stories with him about the images and what memories they bring to mind.

Don't skip the hardships and challenges you faced and overcame. Appreciate what it is the two of you are to each other and what you have built together and place special emphasis on the things that drew you closer to him and strengthened your relationship. After all is said and done, try to express, at least to yourself, how the two of you have grown and changed through the years. Question yourself about expectations and priorities and try your best to allow the marriage to mature.

And it surely cannot hurt - To Look at Wedding Photos and...

[ In Reply To ..]
Honeymoon photos!

You now have "love" - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you may be confusing love with lust. What you had early on was mostly sexual attraction, not so much love. Now, after years, you have developed love.

The problem isn't that you don't have the romance anymore, but that you expect it to be there. Because of that, you are dissatisfied with what you do have.

If you see what you have now as a good thing, instead of something deficient, maybe you can appreciate it more.

You have something most people never will. Be grateful for it.

Romance - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I think your husband thinks he has to jump through hoops to get you to feel good. Try and respond to his romantic-type gestures. In turn, if you try to do romantic things, too, it will get some sparks flying. Give him a peck on the lips or pat on the rear-end as you're going through your day. I'm married over 30 years, and that's what we do. It only takes 2 seconds, and it makes each person feel special. Don't wait around for him to do it, just do it.

Glad to hear you're intimate. Sometimes we just sort of settle into a very secure, comfy place and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as needs are being met.

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