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I want to help these kids but don't know how.


Posted: Aug 2, 2010

This is so confusing - My daughter has a best friend who comes from a family that is very close-knit but very dysfunctional at the same time.  Her friend, let's call her Sue, has a brother, let's call him Tim, who has had an on and off girlfriend for several years.  He's 29 and she's 21.  Two years ago she had a baby by another man and Tim decided to take on paternal responsibilities and he is the only father this child has ever known.  She has now gone and had another baby, again by someone else, but Tim is still playing daddy.  I don't know why.  And yes, they are not his - they are of a different race.  Now comes the hard part.  She pawns off responsibility to everyone else, so I hear, goes out drinking and using cocaine, lived with a bunch of people who were like-minded, and the kids come at the bottom of her priority list.  She eventually got kicked out of her place for non-payment, and wound up living with Tim, his mother and three sisters with her two kids in a three bedroom mobile home.  From what my daughter says, she yells at the kids, slaps them, will strap the two year old into his stroller in front of the TV for hours so she doesn't have to deal with him.

Now, I'm getting this all second-hand from my daughter, who only visits there occasionally because it's too chaotic.  Usually her friend comes over here, and she does talk about it, mostly to my daughter.  I have strongly suggested to my daughter that she call CPS because the family won't.  It's not in their "code of honor" or something.  This woman has no relationship to them at all, but somehow they feel loyal or secretive or something.  My daughter feels she would be betraying her friend and her friend's family, even if it is an anonymous phone call.  My daughter, by the way, is 18, as is her friend. 

I'm worried about these kids. They don't deserve to live like that.  But I don't feel like I have any basis to call CPS since I have no firsthand knowledge.   I have been tempted to call anyway, though.  Those kids need a stable environment.  The older one I have met and he is intelligent and sweet, a normal two year old, but gets nothing but yelled at, even from the rest of the family they're living with, and I think "Tim" is OD-ing on the situation and getting just as impatient and abrupt as everyone else, from what I hear.

What would you do?

;

Poor kids - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Just call Child Protective Services and tell them what you think and let them handle it from there. The kids need someone to take up for them.

In my experience, CPS is very discreet - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
I've had to make a couple of CPS calls in my life and, while it's a difficult decision to make, I've found in both instances CPS has been extremely discreet and the persons I've called to report never had an inkling as to the identity of the "anonymous" caller.

I'd call them and tell the worker to whom you're put through exactly what you shared with us here; they can filter through it, give it a priority on their list, and they'll take it from there.

You'll know you have done what you could to help the kids and that you've left it in the hands of the professionals.

A word of caution, though...loyalty amongst teens can run deep, so I wouldn't let your daughter or her friend know you've made that call. Keep it to yourself and no one will be the wiser when CPS does show up about who made the actual call.

Thanks - I hadn't thought about that - Friend of a friend

[ In Reply To ..]
You're very right about teen loyalty. I guess not everything needs to be shared with your kid, does it? If they don't know who called, they can't feel betrayed. Surely there must be other people in the world who know the situation, so it wouldn't necessarily be obvious to them. Now, to get up the guts to make the call.

See message - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
For added security about being anonymous, I believe you can press *82 before dialing CPS' number. That will block your number from showing up anywhere on their end.

No need to work up the guts...Just call and tell whomever answers that you'd like to make a report about some things you've heard about someone which you find alarming/concerning, and they'll transfer you to a caseworker. The caseworkers I've dealt with are very understanding of callers reporting things and, once you give them the highlights of the situation, they'll ask you the pertinent questions they need to address. It's really a painless procedure and you'll feel so much better after you've called, as you'll know you've done what you can to help those poor kids.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
Just an FYI - about *82
[ In Reply To ..]
My phone is set up where the person I am calling will not see my number on caller ID unless I dial *82 prior to the phone number, which will then allow them to see my number. I am not certain, but I believe *67 is what one would need to dial in order to block the number from showing up on caller ID.

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