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Need to change things with my kids

Posted: Jan 8, 2013

I posted this several months ago, but the thread got off-topic and I never got much in the way of "yea or nay" as far as answers....so will try again.

I have 3 children in their 30s and 40s, and 7 grandchildren. I see all of them fairly often even though they all live some distance from me. I send all of them birthday and Christmas cards along with money and gifts. This Christmas in return I got handed a computer-generated card from my son while I was visiting their house, dropping off the first installment of holiday gifts. That was it as far as cards or gifts from the whole group. For my birthday last year it was the same thing - one card from my daughter. It has been this way for years.

I have decided to keep sending cards to everyone for birthdays and Christmas and will keep sending money/gifts to the grandchildren until they are 18. But that's it....I can't believe what I spent this Christmas on everyone (I am single and on a limited budget) and all I got was one lousy form-letter type of card!!!! I'm not going to write an explanation as that would sound too sour-grapes, I think. Also, 3 of the grandchildren are teenagers and I get no thank you notes and no cards from them either.

Not sure how all this came about, must be my fault in some way, but I think it's time to quit being the ATM dispenser in this family!

;

People don't write cards like they used to. - RC

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm a huge fan of cards (I've actually sent a thank you card for a thank you card I received once--ha ha).

I send them because I think they're pretty. I like supporting small artists and finding the most interesting and person-appropriate card that I can.

I rarely get any sort of reply from many people, but I totally do not care. That's not really how things are done these days with younger people. Computers and text messaging are the new wave, and I can accept that. I still send my cards, and I hope they appreciate them. But I wouldn't waste 1 second thinking about it too much or getting too judgmental when I don't receive a card myself, because I'm old-school, and these kids are not. :)

I may not have been clear - Sad and MT

[ In Reply To ..]
It's more than not getting cards. It's me sending out nearly $1,000 in gifts to all these folks at Christmas and getting ONE CARD in return. No gifts, no phone calls, no thank yous.

Perhaps that is how things really are done these days, but I just don't feel like being part of it, if that is the case.

I hear you....sm - BLB

[ In Reply To ..]
I think kids are just ungrateful today and will take advantage of their parents any way they can. They know we will continue to love them regardless of how they act or what they say. I'm kind of in your boat. I've helped our single daughter out with over $5000 in cash, groceries, computers, etc. and never a thank you. Then, if you ask for something simple, they act like you're some kind of monster...how dare you expect so much from them. I think the kids of this generation just need to grow up. BTW, our kids are in their 30s and 40s also. It's high time they became adults. Next year, give all of your kids a card...you might see a major change.

you may need to rethink how you respond to this - just a suggestion

[ In Reply To ..]
You can either continue as you are because it gives you great joy in doing it, however, with the mindset of expecting nothing in return. Or stop all together because the joy of giving is just not there due to the ungratefullness. You can't change people or their behavior, but you can change how YOU respond or react. I would say the ball is in your court now.

My thoughts - Sad and MT

[ In Reply To ..]
I think what BLB and I are trying to convey is that we are tired of being considered ATM machines. I think we both want to still remember our children's birthdays and holidays with special cards, calls or even little gifts, but personally, I no longer want to write out large checks to 41 year old kids that can't even be bothered to call me on my birthday or send a card. Especially since this 41 year old makes about 4 times what I do. This is not punishment I am trying to inflict, it is just being realistic about my expectations.

Then do what I did... - Stop doing it!

[ In Reply To ..]
obviously it is not "giving you joy" any longer to continue doing what you are doing, and you are feeling very taken advantage of. I was doing the same thing when I had the money to do it, but with transcription, as we all know, work is drying up and my income decreased considerably because of it. In order to stay solvent myself, I had to stop being so generous. There was feedback then from all of them regarding the lack of gifts, money, etc. Too bad. I was told once that you treat people how to treat you and if they get upset because you feel you are being taken advantage of, then you probably ARE being taken advantage of, and just stop being so generous until they understand what YOUR expectations are in return. Once they know what you are upset about, and if they want you to continue being generous, watch how quickly they change their ways. They will not know until you tell them. You don't have to be mean about it, but just tell them how they are making you feel with their lack of response. They will get the message....or they will get nothing....and then treat yourself to a nice vacation somewhere and don't worry about what they are thinking and feeling. The choice is then theirs. good luck to you!

p.s. error in - message

[ In Reply To ..]
I meant to say "you TEACH people how to treat you," not you "treat people how to treat you." oops...sorry. been a long day.

Well STOP doing it! - Lisa

[ In Reply To ..]
STOP sending them things, because at this point it has gotten you bitter. I would stop and not say a word to them and maybe they will call you to find out what is going on, at least you would get to talk to them. OR, if the issue is your own financial constraints, which makes it harder with their ungratefulness, then just buy a big pack of cheap cards, sign your name and skip the money/gifts. You are not REQUIRED to do anything for anyone, family or not and if they do not appreciate it, then just don't do it anymore.

"getting something in return" - isn't what its about

[ In Reply To ..]
I think it's just the way of the world these days to be insensitive and selfish.

I send things out to my neice and nephew, and get a text message every couple of years that says "thank you" from the nephew, nothing ever from the neice besides the mom (my sister) texting to say she said "thank you." I never get a happy birthday from my sister, but I text her every year saying happy birthday. Our situations are unique, because we did not grow up together...I keep hoping we connect so I will keep sending out the bread crumb trail.

I'm over the moon when I get a little text, because they realize I exist at least. It can be daunting to not get anything in return, including an acknowledgement of your own gift giving, but is that your ultimate goal, to get something in return, or is the ultimate goal to give and make someone else feel good?

Just change your goal a little bit to reflect reality. The reality is, people are selfish, and you're not being selfish by choice, and this is good.

We live in a selfish world, but you can make a conscious decision not to be selfish, and just give because thats what you're supposed to do and the feeling that comes from doing the right thing is good enough.

I have to say though, some years I feel absolutely nothing inside when I send out gifts, cards, money and gift cards. But do it in spite of that. Those are the times I get the thank you text (coincidentally enough when i'm about to give up) and that puts the feeling back behind the giving at least!

I remember your post from a few months ago - and I agree with SM

[ In Reply To ..]
most of the advice given below. Stop with the gifts, especially if you cannot afford it. Sending a card is fine IMO. If your children cannot or will not appreciate your financial situation, then bad on them. It's generational, I agree. I don't know what screwed up this generation (our kids) but they are screwed up as far as how they view the world and how they treat others. They are very selfish. I include my 37 year old in this as well and all of her friends. For some reason, they think they "deserve" things. Don't think it is your fault as you stated. It's something, though. Is there something we did wrong raising them? My daughter says it has to do with the fact that our generation was the first where most women worked outside the home, a lot of divorces, etc. Not sure but may contribute to it somehow. I do know that most of the men of her generation have no respect for women.

I closed the bank after - PR

[ In Reply To ..]
my grown child got upset because my parent left me a lot of money in their will and this child made a statement to me about it. They resented me getting money. Talk about killing the goose that laid the golden egg. I had spent thousands literally on this child and their family with automobiles, trips, clothing, endless and it all stopped.

Here is what I would do in this - situation...

[ In Reply To ..]
I would find a charity that finds families that need christmas gifts for their kids. Then, I would go out, buy gifts for this family in need (within your budget of course), and then donate those gifts to that family which will make you feel SOOOO GOOOOOD!

Then, I would take a picture of you shopping for the gifts, a picture of the gifts wrapped up, and a picture of you with a santa hat delivering the gifts.

Then, I would make a photo card with those 3 photos and then I would write a note on the back how you decided this year to donate to a needy family who deserves and appreciates a wonderful holiday and how good it made you feel and tell them all Merry Christmas, and sign it with a smiley face and a "Love You!"

I did that this year becuase my daughters were being very greedy also and I wanted to nip that in the bud!

Other side of the story - Auntie

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with stopping the gifts. In fact, I think the money should be spent on yourself. Take a cruise and send them a Christmas card from the trip!

Honestly, when I was younger I was totally clueless with my mother and then MIL. I never sent them a present even though they sent me money for the holidays. We were in the military and always lived thousands of miles away. However, as I have aged, I have become more concerned with those little gestures that mean so much and often take so little time.

My sister has literally no money left at the end of the month since she is on disability. Every Christmas, we have to buy the presents for her kids. This year we spent about $500 and gave them all Kindles. We are not rich, but we can do this for them. I don't think the kids are aware of who spends the money on them, and we don't get any thanks from them but my sister gives me a hug and a quiet "thank you." That makes it worthwhile to me.

For years, my sister-in-law used to just load up on junk at the Dollar Store and give my kids this cheap stuff for Christmas. We always thanked her, but I finally asked her to stop and just send the kids $10. They are much happier with the cash, and she is happier not to shop. It made her mad because she thought I was being critical, but finally she realized that it was just stuff that we ended up taking to Goodwill or threw away when it broke and it was a waste of her money.

Anyway, I think you should stop giving so much. Send the kids $5 and a happy Christmas note. Then book a trip somewhere and spend the money on yourself.

Quit sending money. The more I gave my - children, the less they

[ In Reply To ..]
respected me. If giving is not bringing you the intended warm, fuzzy feeling, stop it!!!!

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