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I am having trouble dealing with my mean mom. SM

Posted: Apr 4, 2015

I know it sounds ridiculous that a 40-something woman would whine about her mean mom, but it is really weighing me down. My daughter and I recently moved in my mother and stepdad. It was a win-win situation for everyone involved. I've filed for divorce and no longer wanted to live with my ex was refusing to move out and my stepdad had a knee replacement and then several complications on top of that that prevented him from being able to take care of the several acres they have. Everything has been going okay except that my mom is a just not a very nice person. I knew this, but had thought she had mellowed with age. Growing up, my mom was, well abusive. She was very angry, prone to fits of rage, which she blamed on abuse she suffered as a child at the hands of her father. She never sought professional help for her issues until I was nearly 18, so consequently my brother, my sister, and I dealt with verbal abuse, physical abuse, and she was just plain mean. She would chip away at person's self-esteem, make you feel stupid, ugly or fat. She would even say you're ugly or fat. She has called me a whore (for having sex with my boyfriend whom I dated for a year), told me she wished she had an abortion when she was pregnant with me, spit in my face, thrown various objects at me, beat me, etc. and not just me, my siblings as well.

Ten years or so ago, my mom apologized to all of us for her abuse. I accepted her apology and felt that she had changed for the better with her new husband. My sister never really forgave her and would forever bring up the past to my mother and fight bitterly about. I used to ask my sister "why can't you just let it go, it's the past?" She would say because my mom would say or do things that would irritate her and all those old feelings bubbled up to the surface. I guess I was just better at turning off the feelings and ignoring my mom's mean comments until now. My daughter and I have been living there for the last six months and I'm becoming more and more angry and upset about how my mom treats people. I run interference between my daughter and her because I won't allow my daughter to be verbally nitpicked and I've made that clear, but there have been moments when she has made my daughter feel like she cannot do anything right. My daughter will do the dishes and rather than say thank you, my mom points out a crumb my daughter missed on the counter when she cleaned them. My mom has a friend who suffers from severe depression and early Parkinson's. They used to meet for lunch once or twice a month, but lately the friend has had to cancel because she just can't bring herself to leave the house. My mom got angry at the friend for always canceling and basically called the friend and told her "maybe we should just stop having lunch all together, you're getting old, you never want to leave the house, what is wrong with you?" She tells my stepdad, who is 79 and has had several medical issues in the past year that he's getting old and they can't afford to pay all his medical bills. My stepsister died of cirrhosis of the liver a few years ago. She had a major alcohol and drug problem and was estranged from her father for several yeas before she died. My stepfather basically saw her for the first time in 8 years on her death bed. My mom has told me that she can tell it upsets my stepdad when she talks about his daughter (she didn't like her and says mean things about her), that he gets sad look on his face and yet she starts talking about her the other day to me when we were talking about my ex's alcoholism. I looked at my stepdad and saw his face and then looked at my mom as if to say shut up and she just kept going.

These are just a few examples of her mean spirit. I just find myself wondering how did I come from this woman? Why is she so mean and why doesn't she care that she hurts people? I mean sometimes she feels bad and she will apologize, but then she just does it again and again and again. Now I understand what my sister means about old feelings bubbling to the surface. I find myself remembering things from my childhood that I had thought I put away long ago. I have decided my daughter and I are going to move out this summer, but I'm afraid that my relationship with my mom that I had thought had gotten better with adulthood has now been damaged. I don't know if I should confront her and let her know how I feel. She will be shocked if I do confront because in her mind she hasn't done anything wrong to anyone, she just speaks the truth. We will have a huge falling out and it will be ugly with my mom running to my brother and sister trying to get them to take her side. I know my sister won't, but my brother's way of dealing with mom is to stay carefully neutral and detached.

Well, I just really wanted to pour it all out. It makes me feel better to say it all out loud anonymously. Thanks for listening. If anyone has any advice for me, I'd be happy to hear it. I may just end up in therapy when all this is said and done. :)

;

My mom was the same way - Mimi

[ In Reply To ..]
Your mother is likely a narcissist. There is just no way to deal with such a person. You can find lots of support online and information. The usual advice is to go "no contact" and just cut off all contact with her. It's very hard (I was not able to do it, I was an only child and I stayed with my mom until she died because she had no one else), but it's the only way to protect your daughter and yourself. Your brother has the right approach, stay neutral and detached. That was the advice I got online when dealing with my mom. She would just try anything she could to upset me, so by staying detached, she would eventually give up and try someone else. I was thinking about this recently and even have a book about narcissists called Emotional Vampires. It is an apt title. They suck the life out of you and then when they suck you dry, they move onto someone else.

Trust me, absolutely do not confront her with your feelings. That's what she wants, to create more drama. She will just deflect everything and place the blame on you. My mom did that very well. She never did anything wrong and I was just "too sensitive." Really the only thing you can do is to get away, get help, find support. I know it's hard to understand how you came from such a person, but like I said find support, help. Most people who have loving mothers will never understand your relationship. When I was online, it seemed lots of women in their 40s were finally understanding what their mothers were. It seems that age is when you wake up and see them for what they are.

I hope this helps you. Please do it for your daughter. I never had kids because I would not allow my mom to treat my kids the way she treated me. I still live with that. My heart goes out to you and all who struggle with parents like this. There is life afterwards. Happy life, friends, people who love you for who you are. Take that step, get help, therapy, move away. Life is short, don't waste your precious time waiting for or expecting her to change.

My Humble Opinion - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I am so glad you guys are moving out. To put your daughter in abuse's way is wrong, wrong, wrong. It is good that your daughter knows you are on her side, but she is still in harm's way.

Your relationship with your mother hasn't been damaged just recently. She damaged it long ago when she abused you, and it was never fixed, due to her narcissistic ways. You said yourself that confronting her will do nothing but cause more harm--like you said, she'll just go to your brother. That puts a big strain on him.

Sometimes I think that we think that confronting the person and telling them off will change them. Guess what? They don't give a rat's you-know-what. If you tell her how you feel, it will accomplish nothing. If she has one ounce of sympathy/empathy for human-kind, then she already knows how you feel, and obviously doesn't give a ding-dong about it.

I do think your plan for therapy is a good one. I think you're holding onto hope that she will change, and apparently, that's not going to happen. Apologies are empty if it isn't followed by a sincere wish to change, then a follow-through to change.

If you think forgiving her in your heart will help you, go on ahead and forgive her. But it doesn't mean you have to break bread with her. I think forgiving is kind of silly when someone hasn't sincerely apologized, but a lot of people find comfort in it. I do believe one can let go of anger and hurt without outwardly forgiving someone. It's called just moving on.

I don't know why your mother is mean, but it has nothing to do with you or anyone else. It has to do with her. You may never get that answer---to use that she was abused as a child is why she's mean doesn't cut it for me. I was abused as a child, and I'm not mean--you were abused as a child (and continue to be) and you're not mean. SO, maybe it explains some how she got mean, but it doesn't excuse her behavior.

I think you have been allowing her to be mean to you, and she enjoys the power of watching you come back over and over again. It doesn't mean you should fight with her. It means you should move on in your life, which I think would require some therapy.....

Best of luck to you, and get your poor daughter out of there ASAP.

Meant To Mention - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I did mean to mention that I chose to break off all ties with my mother. But, I couldn't do this without some good therapy from a good psychologist. If you can do this without that, that is fine, but tread gently. You are so used to hanging onto this hope of having a good mother, that it may be quite scary for you. After all, when you let of of that hope, it's a loss of a mother, and you shouldn't do this alone. I mourned for what I wished I could have had. I am completely on the other side of that now.

I guess I'm trying to say that I think cutting off all ties is wise, but making a bold break to make a statement of independence could leave you feeling feeling all alone; and then the cycle could begin with you putting up with her abuse again, just to have a "mother."

Don't do anything without at least a serious support system of some sort, even if you choose not to go into professional counseling.

I can't say my abusive mother was a classic narcissist as your mother seems to be, but there were some traits in terms of turning the guilt onto me.

You may want to do a Google on narcissistic mothers and see if she fits the mold. There are also articles on daughters of narcissistic mothers. It's interesting reading, but not the answer to you getting better. It just might make you feel less alone is all.

Best to you!

Mother - Break off

[ In Reply To ..]
I would have to say after reading your post that it would be in your best interest and the child's, to completely break ties with your mother. Nothing will change in this kind of situation (aside from maybe a miracle which will not happen). I am leaning more towards the thought of reincarnation as we are put on this earth to "learn lessons" and if things are not resolved in this lifetime, we will again have to come back and deal with those same people we had problems with before. It makes perfect sense; why are things so unfair in life? Think about it. Also of note, everything in nature runs in cycles, death, birth, rebirth - seems logical to me. You perhaps are supposed to "make it on your own" in this life, but agreeing with my beliefs or not, you need to make a complete break with your mother. Remember karma, what goes around, comes around.

I think it is probably best if you don't bring it up. (sm) - I had one too, now she is dead.

[ In Reply To ..]
It won't do any good anyway, and like you said, it's still there, buried deep, but does bubble to the surface. I came to the conclusion long ago (I'm now in my 60s) that I am the way I am (some good, some not), probably a lot to do with her. I never confronted her. The few things my sisters and I would bring up, she denied ever happened. She lived several states away, so I just decided it wasn't worth the effort. IMO, no point will be served in bringing it up. I'm sure many will disagree with me.

Some Thoughts - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
The only people who will disagree with you are those who think that people should put up with abusiveness because the abuser is "blood." Or the abuser "changed your diaper." Yes, they are blood and yes they changed your diaper, but it doesn't give them carte blanche to abuse.

There are also those who think that abusers can change, and therefore, you should stick around. I do agree that abusers can change, but I wouldn't stick around while they're still abusing. They have to seriously change their ways first, stick to it, then be allowed back into the person's life (if the person wants that).

The OPs mother sounds like a textbook narcissist, and they never change. The true narcissist has a hard-wired personality disorder and in their mind, everyone else has the problem. But I guess I'm not here to diagnose her mother. Just throwing that out there for people who think the OP should stick around and wait and hope and continue to be abused.

Your mom is abusive, it is not your fault, and - you cannot change it.

[ In Reply To ..]
Your mom is, unfortunately, emotionally and physically abusive. She fits the picture of someone with a personality disorder, possibly borderline (BPD), narcissistic, and may have another mental disorder as well. They lash out at others using dysfunctional coping mechanisms. It isn't really intentional, but just the way they are and do. They ARE mean and it is the only way they know. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. EVER.

They have no remorse because in their mind they are doing what they need to do. They twist, perceive, and misrepresent what others do. They have a need to demean and squash. They are often paranoid and suspicious. They need to get you before you can get them, which they seem certain you will do because everyone is against them. They don't get along with anyone, constantly find fault, constantly create strife, constantly pit you against them, and exist in turmoil. Discussions with them are useless.

Everything with them is attack, attack, attack. YOU are always wrong. YOU are the problem. YOU don't understand. YOU are the loser.

The only peace with them comes when you avoid doing anything to set them off. That isn't easy because they will attack you just for breathing wrong. Nothing you can do is ever right.

They may also engage in serial targeting and bullying, with one family member getting the worst of it. Others stay far away. Others take sides because the bully feeds very convincing stories to them. These people rip families apart.

Their "life theme" is "it's all YOUR fault."

You are describing that perfectly. Look at what you said will happen if you leave. You are worried about hurting your "relationship" with her? You know your brothers and sisters will take sides?

You are worried that moving out will destroy your new relationship with her? Honey, you don't have a relationship with her ... you have a detente. You needed housing, so you diminished yourself to live in her house. You fly under her radar to keep her from attacking you. Unfortunately, this may work only because your daughter seems to be the lightning rod attracting mom's negative attention.

In a healthy relationship, none of this would be happening. Your mom would have been loving and supportive. Your daughter would feel wonderful about the way she was treated. Your mom would love for you to stay, but would love for you to go if you had the means and desire to do that.

You need education about this more than you need therapy. Please get the book "Its All Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything" by Bill Eddy. It explains this quite clearly. You will understand what you are dealing with and how to deal with it.

It is only 8.49 on Amazon for the Kindle edition. If you do not have a Kindle, download the free Amazon Kindle reader software to your computer.

Also see the free info at The High Conflict Institute, www.highconflictinstitute.com. There are articles you can read.

You also should read something about verbal abuse, because you are describing it. Try "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. The Kindle edition is 8.61.

Sorry to sounding an advertisement, but what I am recommending to you saved my life. My mother was exactly as you described. I got out because I realized it wasn't me and I had no obligation to take it anymore. It angered me to see what she did to me. I used that anger to do what I needed to get out.

Good luck to you. You don't deserve to live that way. Find the strength to move out and do not worry about what you think anyone will think. Your daughter's emotional health is not worth it.

And, please, do not confuse putting up with this with loving her. Loving your mother does not mean you have to keep her happy by doing what she wants.

Great, insightful post - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If the OP's mom does indeed have BPD or some other disorder, you have been spot on in describing it. I experienced the same thing with my mother, and sadly, for the last 20 years or so of her life, we did not have any direct contact. It was sad because, like someone mentioned, I mourned the loss of a healthy, loving relationship with my mother years before she actually died.

You can love someone from a distance by praying for them. As much strife as someone with these issues can create for others, I believe they are equally unhappy and distressed, if not more so.

I'm praying for you and your daughter to have a happy, peaceful life.

Mommy dearest - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
This is fine example of "you give what you got." Some can rise above it but not my mother who was born in an orphanage and gained great sympathy because of it. However, how she treated her children was another story. She abandoned us. Was drunk most of the time. My neighbors raised me. I could go on but the saddest of recalling the misery of my childhood is a luxury I cannot afford today. A sigh of relief was heard by me when she died. She hated me and set out to ruin me for some reason I never could understand.

Most Important Thing - About Mean Moms...

[ In Reply To ..]
The most important thing to remember about mean moms is that is has nothing to do with you. I had a very wise therapist. I asked, "Why did they do this to me?" He said, "I don't know,but it had nothing to do with you."

That was probably the best thing he could have said to me.

As kids, we blame ourselves for EVERYTHING. This carries on into adulthood when the abuse starts as a child.

I am so interestingly amazed at how many people stand up for animal abuse when it's mentioned on this board, but not child abuse. If the post had been about an animal who was abused, this thread would have gone wild. Makes me wonder if they think abusing children/people is okay.

Anyway, to the real person who was abused and not an animal, do not take offense to that. They do care, I think. You for sure do have followers who care for actual people. Perhaps most aren't here, but there is help in your community. My very best to you as always. Do not get discouraged if the response here doesn't blow up to the same degree an animal got abused. You are every much as worthy (more as a human, in my and most people's minds), so do carry on and get some help.

Mean mom - trina

[ In Reply To ..]
My mom was certainly a Mommie Dearest. She's done a great deal of evil in her life, abortions when going with a married man, trying to frame a fellow teacher who was sick on leave for doing bad work so she could get her job which was head of a department, getting a man she was married to to write off his kids so he didn't have to pay child support and he and my mother could get land, on and on, and she was a teacher! She has always been emotionally abusive and jealous of me since her mother always put me first. We could not live in the same household together for sure. I have tried over and over to try to have a relationship with her, just even with e-mails and not face to face, and somehow she manages to eventually have some mood or accuse me of something. it will go smooth for a little while then out of the blue these smarty moods come up. I finally had enough of her a few days ago after a big e-mail came through with insult after insult. Enough is enough sometimes. the abuse isn't good emotionally or psychologically to keep taking. Thankfully, I have a pretty good husband and a home away from her. Sometimes there just is no other option but to stay away. good luck to you, I hope you can find peace and be able to be independent without your mother.

Sounds like My Story - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
My mother were a little different, but something you said struck a chord. I, too, went on to have a good life.

After I had chosen a good man and fixed my head up with some professional therapy, I realized that it was almost like a sweet revenge on her, for me to have a good life. My intention wasn't for vengeance, but it ended up in my head that the worst thing in her mind for me, would be for me to have a good life, since she was always trying to destroy it.

Anyway, I don't recommend just picking someone good for the sake of revenge, but if it all turns out that way, more power to you and you can smile a sweet smile that you got her back---and nobody got hurt in the process. Hah!

Thanks so much to everyone who responded. You'll never know how much - anony

[ In Reply To ..]
it means to know there are people out there who understand what I'm saying. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a child when I complain about my mother.

I've been trying to pay off bills since I moved in with her. My biggest issue right now is my credit is so bad (because of the ex) that finding anyone willing to rent to me has been almost impossible. But I'm determined to find a way.

Thanks again and I will definitely check out those books and websites.

Very Best To You - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
You are not being a child when you complain, but there's a very hurt child inside. I am one of the ones who recommended a psychologist, but sometimes a really good other type of support system is helpful. If you are suffering from depression, anxiety or extreme guilt at being angry with her or over the prospect of perhaps breaking ties or limiting time spent with your mother, then professional help is warranted, IMHO.

If you are feeling relatively mentally healthy, you might want to check out John Bradshaw. Back in the 90s he popped onto the scene about the inner child in all of us. He's still "around" to this day. Some call him a guru. I was in therapy at the time with a really good psychologist, but I did read and utilize his theories in his books as an adjunct. It was very helpful to me, but again, I was also under professional care.

Just tread lightly. Making bold moves isn't necessarily in your best interest. I did eventually TOTALLY break ties with both my parents--no phone calls, no visits, no letters, no nothing. But I didn't do it impulsively, I did it when I was ready to and with the help of my therapist.

My very best to you on whichever path you choose to help yourself. You sound like a very nice person despite what your mother did to you.

And anyone here who is abusing their kid in any way (name-calling, hitting, belittling, etc.), the kid will be a grown up some day and will be under no obligation to stick around for your abuse. They're stuck now because they're kids, but they're not stuck with you forever.

Narcissistic Moms - I'm a little late on this thread

[ In Reply To ..]
but thought I would respond anyway, given how much I can relate to your feelings.
It took me 60 years to figure out what was going on with my relationship with Mom. It wasn't me, it was her. After a lifetime of taking the blame for everything that was wrong with her life and feeling obliged to fix it, after a lifetime of being her emotional caretaker and punching bag, I finally got my epiphany and refused to carry on with these roles foisted on me.
I did not do what some have suggested here and completely cut off contact but rather only partially, to save my sanity. Mom is 88 now and still going strong with her dysfunction. We will never have the mother-daughter relationship I craved. I buried that hope long ago. She has basically ruined the relationship I had with my father and many others in my family.
Any and all of you who have experienced what was described in these posts have my complete and total sympathy. I think there was some good advice and suggestions here.
We cannot change others; only ourselves. Peace to all.

One of the Posters - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
That's wonderful that you finally let go. It's not always the breaking off that's the answer, it's the how you handle the turmoil that these types of mothers bring. You can choose to stay in the abusers life, but you don't have to let it destroy.

I, personally, saw no reason to stick around people who were so horrible, but I respect peoples decisions to have some contact. I just caution against putting yourself in harm's way. I'm not even talking physical abuse, I'm just talking the constant cut downs and things that can wear on one's soul.

I feel the only obligation we have to our abusive parents is to make sure they aren't rotting in a chair somewhere. This doesn't mean you have to do the hands-on, but you have to make sure they have proper care should they become infirm either from age or disability. This may involve calling the State, or something, but you are neither personally or financially obligated to that person. If you do have the finances, fine, but you can choose from there if/when the times comes.

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McDonald's voluntarily raising wages in their restaurants but the workers want $15. Doesn't matter that McD's will also be giving better benefits, they aren't happy. It's all about the SEIU. They want in and the employees have been suckered into breaking the law (civil disobedience according to the police).So, here's my suggestion: Let the federal government set the wages and what it is, it is. Then let McD's tell the employees if they don't like it, they ...

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In my local paper, "Zimbabwe says 2nd American illegally hunted lion." This time identified as Jan Casimir Seski of Murraysville, Pennsylvania. Apparently, he is an oncologist/gynecologist who directs the Center for Bloodless Medicine and Surgery of Allegheny General Hospital in Pittsburgh. Would venture to say he is not "bloodless" after all. This has NOTHING to do with Planned Parenthood whatsoever! ...

Jun 25, 2017
Here are some examples of obstruction. * Deleting 30,000 emails from your server. (Did you hear that? The liberals just hit the Back the button.) * Running BleachBit on your server AFTER you've been served with a subpoena to preserve evidence. * Your spouse has a private meeting with the Attorney General prosecuting your case. Here are some examples of collusion. * The Attorney General instructs the head of the FBI to use language from the campaign "call it a 'matter' no ...

Nov 08, 2009
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Jan 09, 2010
The U.S. is selling Patriot Missles to Taiwan. China is furious. Read the articles and then read the following debates. China believes Taiwan belongs to them and has been trying to make them reunite with the mainland. Taiwan doesn't want to do that, and selling weapons to them makes China furious. http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2010-01/06/content_9270044.htm Then go to the debate link below. You will see commentary on the left side that states "Support". Click the full button in each ...

Jul 21, 2011
http://news.yahoo.com/poll-carries-warning-signs-obama-2012-213717802.html ...

Nov 13, 2011
I have been in one of these spells where I dont sleep well and not sure why. Maybe just the holidays or job or whatever but I really cant put a finger on it. I hate when I get like this and sometimes it goes on for awhile. ...

Sep 18, 2012
in her class to sign a pledge to vote for Obama. Above and beyond the scope of her math class teaching responsibilities, and also breaks the law. http://riehlworldview.com/2012/09/florida-professor-sharon-sweet-made-students-sign-vote-for-obama-pledge.htmlhttp://watchdog.org/56610/fl-watchblog-obama-vote-pledge/ ...

Aug 09, 2013
Online security lapse concerns Genesis officials --- the headlines in my morning paper;. "1164 former Genesis patients may be affected. A website data security lapse committed by a subcontractor has lead officials to alert former patients that they might be at slight risk for identity theft. the mistake occurred May 5 at a company called M2ComSys, which is a medical transcription firm. The firm contracts with Cogent Healthcare. " More can be found at qctimes.com I am ho ...