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Trouble in not so paradise
Posted: Jul 6, 2014
Without going into too much detail I need some advice. Basically, my husband and I have been married for 9 years. I knew when we got married that he had anger issues, but he showed his temper only rarely. We now have a 4-year-old little girl, and I have noticed his anger comes out a lot more, sometimes two to three times a week. He has not hit us but he was physically abused as a child.
He does yell and scream and sometimes throw things, not at me or her, but still.
My question is what should I do? I do not want to rush into getting a divorce or anything but at the same time I cannot stand for my little girl to be mentally abused any longer. My thoughts are to get out and tell him he needs to get help. Thoughts? Thank you so much!
;
Your thoughts are correct - SM - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]Get out and tell him he needs help. It's only going to get worse. Don't be selfish. Put your daughter first. You're not doing her any favors by staying with him.
paradise - FT/MT
[ In Reply To ..]Run quickly ASAP.
here is my thought - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Leave until he proves he has gotten some anger classes under his belt..Once he does, go back slowly and see if he actually has changed. Kids are a pain in the butt, they are trying and hard to manage and if he has a propensity towards that behavior, it is only going to be brought out more. Your child does not need to be around that..
My take - nn
[ In Reply To ..]I lived with an abusive #@*! for 30 years, rationalizing that I didn't want to break up the family and deny my children their daddy. In the process, my kids were emotionally scarred by watching their mother endure years of abuse. I finally divorced him after the kids were gone. If I had it to do over, I'd remove myself and my kids early on from this situation as soon as I could. I can't tell you or anybody else what to do because each person's situation is different. Just sharing my own experience and hoping you can find a positive solution.
LEAVE! - SM
[ In Reply To ..]You said you have noticed his anger comes out "a lot more". Well, honey, that is just the start of it. You are basically approving his behavior by staying and allowing your DAUGHTER to be subjected to this type of behavior. The more you "approve" the more it will happen. You leave, take your daughter, and tell him that once he gets the help he needs the two of you can be in his life on a trial basis.
One other thing you said is...."I cannot stand for my little girl to be mentally abused any longer". Well as a mother, you shouldn't allow your daughter to be mentally abused even ONE TIME, because it is your job to protect her. She isn't the one who chose for her father to be in her life, YOU are and it is YOUR job not to let people in her life who will hurt her, whether it be physical or otherwise. If you continue to allow this, you are basically abusing her yourself and you don't deserve to even be called a mother.
Good luck, stand up for yourself AND her and get out.
I lived with an abusive husband for 10 years - and my kids have the scars
[ In Reply To ..]to prove it. I was so scared of him, and he threatened to kill me and the kids if I left. Finally, I got the courage to leave and take the kids. When we got to court, he wasn't near as bad as he pretended to be. I have apologized to my kids for the hell I put them through. I was the adult. They had no choice, but I was responsible for staying. Do your daughter a BIG FAVOR. Leave! Maybe he can get some anger management, maybe he'll deny he needs help. Anyway, I know once the verbal and throwing start, physical isn't far away. Do it for your daughter. My daughter is 35 and is finally coming to terms with a lot of issues in her life. My son still tries to please his daddy.
Do it for your daughter, please. And be safe while leaving!!!!
Get some good PROFESSIONAL advice on leaving - wheres_my_job
[ In Reply To ..]You don't know at this point what his reaction would be to your leaving. Should you tell him beforehand? Or just prepare "on the sly," and then one day you are GONE, poof! no forwarding address type of thing.
You can talk to women's shelter, a therapist, a lawyer (or all three). But probably it's not best to give an ultimatum (either you get into counseling or I'm gone), because then you will potentially get a "honeymoon period," wow! everything is better now! Phew! He's working on his anger issues! Isn't this great! So glad I don't have to totally disrupt my life and my daughter's life!
And then the cycle continues, and one day he's back to his "old self" of yelling, screaming and throwing things - possibly worse because you called him on it, and now what are you going to do - offer ANOTHER "meaningless" ultimatum?
That's why I say - get PROFESSIONAL advice - if you talk to someone experienced, they may see aspects/dangers in this situation that you don't.
Good luck!
Leaving - been there
[ In Reply To ..]I had a friend who was in a relationship like that. The husband slowly turning angry until she was walking on egg shells around him. She ended up leaving him, but I feel she did it the wrong way. She waited until he went to work one day, had movers come and pack up and left to her own apartment. That made him mad as h#$$$ and he hunted her down and shot her in the head six times killing her. I agree on asking a professional about leaving him. You never know what is going to be the last straw for him.
Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline - anon
[ In Reply To ..]They have LOTS of info....even in plans to put into place to leave like preserving important papers, having friends who know code words if things get out of hand, victims advocates to go to court with you, provide free cell phones to victims, and lots of shelters where the man has NO clue where you are - sometimes even out of the city you live. The most important part is to plan leaving very, very well. I'm not able to guarantee it will get physical but the statistic show it will eventually - a shove here, a slap there, taking over the money, making sure the woman is completely dependent on the hubby. If abuse ensues the first 72 hours are the most dangerous. That's where a knowledgeable domestic violence group is imperative! They will help you create a plan to prepare and will completely orchestrate a move where you will be safe. Emotional and mental abuse very seldom stops without eventually getting physical. Please get out for your sanity and the future of your daughter. If you email me, depending on where you live, I can provide you resources. Believe me I've completely been there - in the end mine went to jail for threatening to kill me and himself. It was a TERRIFYING time. But that was 26 years ago and life is all mine and wonderful. Good luck and praying for you!!! You and your daughter deserve better!!
I dont think your friend "did it the wrong way" - He most likely would have
[ In Reply To ..]killed her anyway, if she had faced him and told him she was leaving. There's no winning with this type of man -- you don't know which way to turn and whatever you decide to do ends up being wrong. I speak from experience.
it's not your friend's fault that he killed her - : o
[ In Reply To ..]The idea that she left "the wrong way" or should have done it differently is, in itself, inherently abusive.
Um, rush the divorce - Scarring your child
[ In Reply To ..]You are living there out of fear, not for the best of your daughter. Please don't do this to her. It's downright abusive for you to keep this little girl in this type of situation. It's called psychological abuse, and if I had half a say, I'd take the kid away from you fast.
You are teaching her a misguided tolerance---that it's okay to be with someone unstable. I suppose that's the lesson you want to teach her, so she can pick men wel??????
FIRST AND FOREMOST - anon
[ In Reply To ..]Get counseling for you and your daughter! He may or may not see a therapist but he should. He needs to learn coping skills for dealing with his anger and frustration. The counseling for you will help you set boundaries and decide what you want to do about your marriage if he doesn't get help and doesn't stop.
I grew up in an extremely emotionally and abusive home. I was NEVER hit, but that didn't make it any less painful and caused me to seek out relationships that mirrored the abuse for YEARS!!
You staying with your husband is ultimately your choice but I think you need to figure out why you put up with his treatment of you.
Your daughter needs to know that a good relationship is not like this! She will repeat the dynamics she grew up with later in life.
Suggest he get counseling. It is his choice, but if he won't, tell you that you and your daughter are going to.
Best of luck! No one deserves this kind of abuse and your daughter has a right to a healthy life, not modeling this one.
Go with "your thoughts" - Ayn
[ In Reply To ..]Yes, you need to remove yourself and your child from the situation. I do applaud your decision not to "rush" into a divorce. First, get yourself and your child into a safe environment. Do not wait for that first physical assault, large or small, against you or the child.
Once you are safe, then you can deal with everything else. Seek counseling for yourself and your child and also couples/marriage counseling and anger counseling for him individually if he is willing. Go from there. Best of luck to all 3 of you.
Remember that if you leave, he will get visitation alone - Been there
[ In Reply To ..]Get him to go to counseling and get some kind of documentation of his anger. It will serve two purposes: If you have to leave, you will have some proof that he needed help. Or, possibly it may actually help him.
If you leave him now, with nothing but your word saying that he sometimes yells and throws things, he will have visitation alone with your daughter. You MUST consider that before you leave him.
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