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help in dealing with extended family

Posted: Apr 1, 2010

For years now my husband's sister and her husband have been trying to manipulate the family at every opportunity we are together. It has become somewhat laughable at time because it's always expected. At other times it is tremendously frustrating. They find a way to throw a wedge into the plans even when the plans are bent to accommodate them. They are never satisfied and cannot seem to go with the flow as the rest of us try to do. Unfortunately my inlaws are caught in the middle of their two childrens' families and have been enabling this behavior from the daughter's family for many years (always looking out for their daughter as they believe the problem lies more with the son-in-law who is a control freak).

Within the past year, the inlaws have finally begun (after much persuading from my husband, their son) to set some boundaries and guidelines, yet the problems still exist as the daughter and son-in-law have found other ways to control the situation.

Does anyone have any suggestions for my family that will in turn help the inlaws to stop the enabling before it drives our family (mine) away? It feels like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

;

Have any of you actually - talked to them

[ In Reply To ..]
If I ever have a problem with anybody or feel somebody has a problem with me that I can't figure out, I come right out and talk to them about it. Respectfully, of course.

My younger sister does the same thing (we're in our 30s..come on, time to grow up). She is also a control freak. My mother used to enable her by giving into her every whim. I told mom she has got to stop and the next time she tries to change plans or purposely sabotage plans, she just won't be included and will miss out.

You can't change people, but you can change how YOU respond to them.

You have to stick with your plans. You all have to be on the same page, though, or it's going to be difficult. My sister's mad (once again) at my mom because she didn't drop everything for her. She already had plans. She'll get over it. I know that sounds mean, but it's ridiculous and juvenile the way she acts.

For example, I ask my mom to take my boys only twice a year--on my anniversary and for Valentine's Day. That's it. Predictably, *** finds out mom has the boys for the weekend and suddenly needs a babysitter. This ticks me off to no end! Especially since my mom is constantly dropping everything to watch her kids. No lie...this girl can't clean her house without needing a babysitter (her kids are 10 and 14). I live the furthest from my mom, so my boys don't see her as much as the other grandchildren, and they like their time with her. My sister loves to dump on that any opportunity she can get.

Okay, now this got me into a rant. LOL

Anyway, try talking to them respectfully, and make sure everyone's on the same page (including your mother-in-law). Time for a family meeting!

talking to them - thank you for the reply

[ In Reply To ..]
it sounds like you know exactly where I'm coming from.

Yes, the inlaws and we (my family) have talked to the daughter about the situation. The daughter is aware of the problem but refuses to admit that she and her husband are doing this. It's like they are in denial. We have never actually sat the son-in-law down and told him what we thought, but my husband is about ready to give him an earful. lol Until now my husband has just griped at the daughter (his sister) about everything since the son-in-law is not always present at family gatherings or shows up only when it's convenient for him. He prefers to attempt to control from afar at times.

My MIL has even sought out counseling for herself to help with this situation. I just don't know what else I can do. My family has held our ground as much as we can without making the inlaws' lives miserable. Unfortunately they are caught in the middle and trying to keep everyone happy. I am convinced this is not possible when you are dealing with personalities such as this. Thanks so much for the understanding ear. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one going through this and trying to make sense of it all.

maybe the "family" is the control freak and not the SIL - reverse it?

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

family - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not sure exactly what you mean, but I'll take a stab at it.

The inlaws are not control freaks. They are the most easy going, gracious and generous people you would ever meet....hence, the reason why they have been so easy to walk all over.

My family does not have control freak issues....just an issue with the daughter's family trying to manipulate the inlaws. We have bent over backwards to include the daughter's family in all our gatherings, holidays, birthdays, etc. They never host anything either...another control issue over using their home for gatherings, allowing the inlaws to spend the night there, paying for the entertaining expenses, etc.

Does that explain it or am I way off?

maybe they do not want all this entertaining - families

[ In Reply To ..]
and get-togethers.
You should get the hint.

Your statements:

"They are the most easy goingeasy going, gracious and generous people you would ever meet.."

"We have bent over backwards to include the daughter's family in all our gatherings, holidays, birthdays, etc. They never host anything either...another control issue over using their home for gatherings, allowing the inlaws to spend the night there, paying for the entertaining expenses, etc...."

is an indication that they want to keep out of this and do not know how to tell you this without insulting you. Not everybody's situation is the same.

Not everybody enjoys constant, big, extended "family meetings."

One marries one's partner, not the whole family.

Just my opinion.

families - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry, I should have made it more clear:

1. We only get together as a family maybe 4 times a year. The daughter really wants to get together to be able to see her parents more often, just on her terms or those of her controlling husband's. The inlaws can't stay at the daughter's house because it is such a disaster. They won't even uncover the guest bed for them.

2. The daughter and her husband refuse to host anything, although they are more than willing to come to my house for holidays/kids birthday parties to be entertained, and they will always show up at restaurants when the inlaws are paying the bill.

3. I guess, bottom line, the poster above is right...I can't change them, so I need to stop stressing myself out over it. Hopefully things will go well this weekend.

Thank you all....just needed somebody to vent to...been working at home alone too long I guess.

some people can't be dealt with; ignore them and do your own thing. - n/m

[ In Reply To ..]
..

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