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gramps trouble

Posted: Feb 16, 2011

So just a few months ago, my grandma passed away and it was very sudden. My grandparents were married for 67 years and she predeceased gramps. My grandpa was never the kind of man to "take care" of himself, meaning grams always did the cooking and cleaning , took care of the kids and so on, she was a good wife. Now that she has passed, dealing with gramps has become a real issue. I"m sure he is very lonely after having been with someone that long and suddenly without. But he is already contemplating re-marrying, which my family (big family) feels strongly about for many reasons.

First, he doesnt seem to be doing it out of the right reason. Second, he is in his late 80s, which I know some will argue he is old enough to make his own choice, which yes he is but that should mean that he should be able to offer more to make a "marriage" work, right? Plus, his memory and health is not what it used to be. He does live in the same home as my uncle and other relatives, so that sort of adds to the situation.

It is just so troubling to sort through the issues...my biggest beef though is that he never, ever said goodbye to grams at the viewing at the funeral. He just walked out...I can imagine that it was difficult for him.. but through the time of the funeral, consolation seemed to be about him (he did not and this really is no exaggeration) reminisce with the family about gramma...he seems to be forgetting that we are family too and that its not easy for any of us.

Please express thoughts, ideas to deal, so on. Thanks

;

I hate that for you family! - TW

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm sorry this is making you crazy like that. It sounds like he is the type of man that literally cannot live with a woman. I know many like them that has had a woman do everything for them and then they wind up alone somehow. I don't think he wants to get married for the right reasons. If it is for love then I can understand. He isn't getting any younger and he doesn't want to leave this world alone, possibly. With that said, what he did at your grannys funeral is horrible! Many people lost someone they love but stick it out to say their final goodbyes. I mean you will never see that person in again except in photos and memory.

The only thing I can think of is to have everyone go see him a lot and let him know he isn't alone. It's likely that will not work and he will just marry whomever comes along. There are a lot of lonely women out there too. Your grandma will always be his first and only but it would be nice for him to have someone. Its lonely being used to someone being there for so long and then to have an empty bed. This is very complicated. Whatever he choses though you just need to be there for him. He is your grandpa, plus he is a man and we all know that you can't change either of those!

I hope everything goes well in your family and you can all be happy. God bless!

thoughts - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
In his late 80s, I would say if he wants to get married again, don't cause a big fuss with the family and make him feel bad. He isn't going to live that much longer of course, due to his age, and why not let him be happy on his way out? I think when you are younger you are looking for that "true love" or "the one" and when you are his age, you just want companionship and not to be alone and he probably wants a new woman to take care of him like your grandmother did.

It is not very odd, the same thing happened with my grandfather. When my grandmother passed suddenly, he was remarried also in a very short time. He would go to the grave to visit my grandmother and all, but he had a new wife who was his "companion" and she took care of him.

I say, let him do it. Let HIM be happy in his last years. Don't make him feel bad because he is upsetting family members. Just remember, today could be the last time you see him, treasure each moment and want him happy each moment:)

I Agree - My Thoughts Too

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree. Geez, whatever time this guy has left, let him enjoy it. I bet anything if he had waited 3 years, you would still be begrudging him happiness--that's normal, of course, you have loyalty to the deceased person. BUT, that person is not alive, and "gramps" is! Let him live.

And, statistics show that men die very quickly when the live alone after losing a long-time spouse.

Try not to be selfish. Remember that he's ALIVE and he apparently wants to live whatever time he has left with a little companionship. It does not mean he has replaced his long-time wife in his heart, he has just made a little new spot for someone else.

Gramps-I agree too - Privacygal

[ In Reply To ..]
VERY WELL SAID "THOUGHTS" I agree totally. We lost my uncle to a hunting accident in 1988; it was my dads brother. We lost my mom in 1990. In 1991 my dad who was so supportive of my mom and his children started visiting my aunt (his brothers wife); no blood relation there. They wanted to become closer; and I recall we were selfish for ourselves. We thought it was too soon as mom only passed a year prior. I must say that I was the most stubborn until one night I dreamt that my mom was there in the kitchen while we are discussing dad dating so soon. Mom spoke and said; "I've always told you when your dead your dead". "So if I die before your dad please let him live". I woke up the next morning thinking out loud "live"?? Mom was telling me to let dad do what he wants and if we let him go and not be against him having companionship he then can live. So AGREED! Now my dad has passed on and he is with my mom until eternity. Love you mom & dad xoxox

My grandfather did the same thing - NM

[ In Reply To ..]
x

As to your last paragraph about not saying goodbye - Backwards Typist

[ In Reply To ..]
or not reminiscing about your gramma, it could be that he was in a kind of 'shock'. After all, 67 years is a long time to be with one person and he may have felt that she would always outlive him or that they would be together forever. Also, he may not be able to handle the death of his loved one openly and reminiscing about his wife may be breaking his heart too much right now. Some people express grief differently. Just make sure he doesn't fall into depression when reality hits.

As for marriage, years ago it was the norm for the wife to take care of, and do everything for, her man. If the wife died early, the man usually found someone else to take care of him (glad times have changed in that respect), so to him, it is normal to want to marry again. Don't begrudge him and just hope he can be happy in his last years with someone.

A few issues not discussed - rambler

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all, I think a major issue would be living arrangements since he lives with other people. Is he financially able to get his own place with his new wife. I would think it would be very uncomfortable for everyone if he just moved her in with the rest of the family. Does gramps live with the relatives or do the relatives live with the gramps (who owns the house)?

This could bring up a variety of issues, but the one that comes to my mind first is finances. Does gramps have a lot in the way of assets? If so, someone will need to discuss a will/prenup before he gets married. I had an uncle who was in his late 70s when he remarried. He was a business man and had a lot of assets. The kids were up in arms because he wanted to remarry without a prenup/will. Everything their parents had built together, the new wife's children now stood to gain. In the end, my uncle listened to his kids and set up a will. It was a good thing, too, because the new wife outlived him. When he passed, she got the new house they built and some money to live on. His kids each got a share of the assets. But the real problem came when they were trying to divy up the sentimental things -- an old desk, jewelry, etc.

I know this is not something that people want to talk about, but it definitely needs to be brought up before any wedding. His kids should be the ones discussing it with him. Good luck!

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