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Family disagreement

Posted: Aug 1, 2013

I hope this doesn't come off as rambling but here goes.....

We're having a disagreement in the family over family get togethers and as a side bar my 22 yo college son.

First my son does not call the other family members like he should. Well my answer is always he's in college, he's busy and he's 22. What 22 yo is conscious of proper manners, I mean at 22 I was also a little self absorbed and clueless about the appropriate behavior with more or less keeping in touch. I say give it a rest, the fussing over my son's lack of contact for now, let him grow up a little so to speak.

Second, we're having a "gift" issue. My son is getting roped into this one too, although I haven't spoken to him about it yet until I decide the best way to handle it. At Christmas, birthdays, mother's days, etc., my son doesn't buy presents, etc. He's a college student. He doesn't have much money. I also only buy presents for Christmas and birthdays for my kids - not my sibling or mother. I know you all understand how broke most MTs are. At this point financially, Christmas, birthdays, etc., are for the kids. I don't expect anything to be bought for me ever and I've said exactly that "don't buy me anything" and I don't buy gifts for anyone else but the kids.

This has come up again with the usual round of my son neglecting my family with no calls and no gifts and me being selfish by only buying for my kids. Am I completely wrong here?? I don't want to sit down and draw my son into this yet. He has no clue it's going on. I'm used to the self-centered behavior of my family and both kids have grown up seeing some of it (the youngest is still in junior high, so not a target yet), but have tried to shield both of my kids from it as much as I can to keep them from feeling bad or overly criticized by the family.

;

self centered family - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I got roped into this at a young age, however, my male cousins got away with it. They're still getting away with it. They do not acknowledge birthdays, holidays with gifts, let alone cards or even a verbal salutations. I, however, being the only female niece in this rooster house of female aunts who will not hesitate to skewer me or give me the cold shoulder if I do not acknowledge family things, have done so. Its obligatory more than anything.

Usually, the guys can get away with it. I'm surprised you're getting grief about 22 year old son, who by default are usually self centered, however, this is the nature of the "family." He has got to learn on his own. He will discover, as he gets older, if he doesn't do what the family requires of him, he will get iced out or treated differently or gossiped about. It may take some time, but leave it up to him, or maybe hint at "it would be nice if you got so and so a card" just to nudge him in that direction and get his thoughts going in that direction.

Sorry your family is like this, I believe that "unconditional" love thing is a myth.

family...... - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't know. I'm the type that gets really irritated with control and criticism. He ALWAYS makes it to every get together. He's a generous sensitive kid. Never hesitates to tell you he loves you and a hug every time. I just take issue with everything being about how much money you spend or don't spend. I LOVE the fact that my 22 yo son will make sure he spends mother's day with me. Even this year with my sibling and my mother making the day all about them, he tells me it's mother's day, not aunt and grandmother's day and wanted to just go to lunch with me. To me, wanting to spend time with someone or acknowledging something is important by being there is so much more important than a dumb knick-knack as a present. The fact that he makes sure his love is expressed and he's there is the more important lesson for him to learn than what gift to pick out. So I'm really inclined to not let them run every show with guilt and criticism.

Your son sounds like a sweet kid who's on the - right track! - MTBankAccount

[ In Reply To ..]
NM

My opinion - LTTJ

[ In Reply To ..]
We have "gift issues" in our family as well. But, first of all, nobody should be required to buy a gift for ANYONE that they don't want to and they need to politely ask everyone not to buy them one as well. As far as your son being just 22, well does he have a job? If the answer is no, then how could be be expected to buy anything? If the answer is yes, then I think he SHOULD buy gifts if he is receiving gifts. Regardless if he is just a college student or he is young, he's not a "kid" he is an adult. The same sort of thing happened in my family where the young 20-somethings didn't really buy gifts but I was expected to buy for them. They were considered "young and broke" because they were in college, but they DID have jobs. Me, well I'm raising 2 kids and have more responsibility, so even though I might make a little more money than them, I have MANY MORE bills than them, so the being young thing just doesn't cut it for me.

I personally feel that I would prefer to spend all available money on my 2 young kids at Christmas and there have been years that I was strapped on cash and have done just that. I politely told my family I just didn't have extra money, please don't buy me a gift and I wouldn't be buying gifts either, other than for my children only.

See message - Freebie

[ In Reply To ..]
As the youngest in my family this really bugs me because I'm always worried about what my sisters are thinking of me so BOTTOM LINE - you don't OWE anybody gifts, you don't need to make excuses and your son is a grown man so what your son does/doesn't do is up to him and you don't need to apologize for his behavior which is something totally out of your control at his age. That's finally what I did with my family, they were so controlling always wanting to tell me what I should do/not do for myself, what I should do with my son, and I finally just moved away for 15 years to get away from them and when I finally moved back I had enough independence I could just tell them to back off!! It took them awhile but they finally realized I wasn't the baby any more and I had my own issues and ideas and they just had to deal with it however they needed to. But good luck with it.

I think the family isn't taking your situation, or -(sm)- - MTBankAccount

[ In Reply To ..]
your son's, into consideration. It seems kind of self-centered on their part. I stopped doing Christmas, too, after I started working for an MTSO. I just couldn't afford it anymore, so let my family know my situation. As it turned out, everyone was kind of relieved. Occasionally someone will send something at other times of the year, that they saw and knew I could use and would like, but they're fully aware I can't reciprocate currently.

I do make it a point to profusely thank in writing or with a phone call anyone who gives me anything or does anything nice for me.

As for your son, his number-one job right now is college! These 4 years will shape the rest of his life - not only by what he studies and what his grades are, but also in his social life. He's learning to be responsible (paying for things, getting to class on time, doing assignments, etc.) He's also developing his own identity, enlarging his circle of friends (and perhaps future business contacts), and becoming an adult. He's got a lot on his plate right now. I'm sure he loves his family members, but his focus is, rightfully and appropriately, on where he is right now: College. It's just a normal, natural time of his life, and someday in the future, his focus will turn back towards family, but also his OWN family. I would tell the other family members to be patient, and to try to see things from both your perspective, and your son's.

family.... - op

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks for the kind words and support. They always seem to make me feel like I don't care because I don't spend on them. As for my son, he doesn't have a job, which they sometimes criticize as well, but he's on the dean's list every semester, he handles his own money, scholarships and otherwise all on his own. If he has to save for a special projects he puts the money away himself. He has never run short or asked for my help with his finances or needing extra money. I agree with you completely that this is the time to set up his life. He'll have a job and lots of expenses eventually, but right now this is the priority to me and I want him focused with the best chance of succeeding!

Don't ruin your relationship with your son. sm - Quasi Modem

[ In Reply To ..]
The two people on the right track are you, and more so, your son. Don't try to drag him into this gift nonsense or put him on some guilt trip because other family members don't think that he is being generous enough with his time (he should be calling relatives) or his money (he should be buying them gifts.)

I say bravo to your son for not falling into this guilt trip they are setting up for the both of you. Gifts and money have absolutely nothing to do with feelings towards family members. Your son knows this.

If this situation keeps up with the constant criticism regarding your son's life/lifestyle, he may rightfully even stop contacting them at all, and you don't want to be one of the family members getting cut off by him if it seems that you are siding with them instead of siding with him, in the event that one day he gets a belly full of this nonsense and stops having anything to do with the family.

family.... - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
He's actually handling it very maturely. My sister added him to her cell plan - a total of $20 extra. He's grateful to her but he's outright said if she wants to hold this over his head and expect unending thank you's and gratitude (which my family are real score keepers when they do you favors) he's answer is if that's the price he'll get his own phone. I finally stepped in and got one for him. I just figured enough already. A heartfelt thank you should have been enough. He doesn't owe then constant phone call voicing his appreciation. It was nice of them to do but the price is too high. Now he has a phone I pay for and that "you owe me" conversation is off the table now! He's busy with his classes and sometimes can't do family fireworks or other "family" functions. I told him to let it slide off of him. This is more about them than whether he's performing up to their expectations! Thanks to all that had supportive comments!!!

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