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Family problem...

Posted: Apr 26, 2015

Hi :) I have a family problem. I will give you some background information first. Sorry for the length as I try to explain.

I was raised in a small town by my mother and stepfather (she has been with him since I was 1, so for many years). I grew up with one sibling, my half-sister (my mom and stepdad's daughter).

I always knew of my biological father. I would see him at various events, and he was at my 6th grade graduation, although he never really said more to me than hello as a kid. He had 4 children total, all with different women. I am the youngest of the 4. The first one, he and his girlfriend at the time decided to put up for adoption after he was born as he thought he was too young to raise a child at 19. He later searched for that child but never found him before my Dad passed away (cirrhosis due to alcohol/drugs). Seven years later, he had a daughter with one woman, a son with a different woman the next year, and then me, a daughter, with my Mom about a year later. My brother and I are only one year and five days apart. My dad contacted me when I was 21 to get to know me, and I forgave and wanted to get to know him. He passed away when I was 25, so I had four years with him. He did have to hide our relationship from my brother's mom as he cheated on her with my mother, and that was how I came along. Although 21 years had gone by, he said she still wouldn't accept me, and so I could never go to their house when she was home.

Anyway, my brother and his wife live about 3 hours away, and I was invited to their baby shower yesterday which also happened to be my birthday. I went to it and took my daughter as I thought she would enjoy it more than my two sons. I have only talked to them several times. Throughout high school, I knew he was my brother but I never got to know him. I thought he was a snob as he was one of the "popular kids."

Anyway, high school was so many years ago, that I thought we'll go and have fun. We bought them nice gifts, and I spent my birthday going to their baby shower/his birthday party. We walk in and are nicely greeted by his wife. We all go out to the kitchen where he is preparing the food. The only thing he says to me is "I am going to be even more rude than usual as I am very busy today." I know he has a way of joking around as he was voted class clown and is always trying to say something funny on their facebook page, invitation, etc., so not knowing him very well, I didn't know how to take it.

His friends showed up, and he seemed to have plenty of time to talk to them although he was very busy. He basically ignored me and my daughter. He didn't make any kind of attempt to talk to his niece, and this really hurt me. She is a beautiful, smart girl.

When we left, they said we'd have to get together again when it's not so busy. I would like for them to at least meet our boys once.

Anyway, I was left wondering why we were even invited. I realize life is so short and time shouldn't be wasted, having recently lost a very close uncle who was close to my age. I feel like my brother looks down on me. He has a degree, a great job, a beautiful house. I'm beginning to make positive changes getting out of medical transcription and beginning school in the fall.

I'm thinking I'll have our boys meet them while we go do some kind of outside activity (not a gathering of their friends at their house), and after that I don't really care if we see them again. The sad part is his wife almost seems to care and wants us to get to know her daughter and the baby they are expecting.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. My fiance thinks I might have been overly sensitive about the whole thing and that I should give him another chance and see this as an opportunity to get to know my brother.

TIA for any advice.

;

I will add that my brother's mom - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
My brother's mom started talking to and accepting me after our father passed away. She was at the party yesterday, and she was one of the few who made me feel comfortable and talked to us a lot.

You are female with 1 father and there is a male - with same father

[ In Reply To ..]
I heard years ago that the only way a person can be brother and sister are from the same mother. If 2 siblings in the family, if the other sibling is from different father, then half brother. I heard if a brother from father, different woman, no relationship at all, in other words from what I have heard you are not related to this guy who was not very nice to his guest, you.

We are related, he is my half-brother - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
Could you please clarify your post? We have the same father, so we are siblings. He is my half-brother, my sibling. Regardless if he is related or not related to his guests, he should be nice to them.

True, he should be nice to all his - guests and you were one

[ In Reply To ..]
Let me put like this, maybe will be clearer:

2 children, same mother, same father- full siblings.

2 children, same mother, 1 child has different father - half brother/or sister

2 children- both with same mothers, different father- *Your situation* Years ago told not related to each other at all.

Have heard you have to have same mother in any situation to be either a full sibling, a half sibling or if not same mother, not related.

You have medical experience, correct? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I mean, being an MT, obviously I would not expect you to be an expert in genetics... but you have to be kidding me that you cannot understand how two people WHO HAVE THE SAME FATHER are related??

Yes, they are half-siblings. They share half of their DNA with the same person.

Medical experience- yes in genetics - NM

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

You are wrong. - Good grief!

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't know what kind of "experience" you may have in medical genetics, but if you only "heard" this, you don't have much.

They are your half-siblings regardless of which parent they came from.

Whatever you heard sounds like a corkscrew way to make family relationships go away when dear papa did his planting on the wrong side of the plantation. Nobility also used it to make by-blows inconsequential.

The only other thing I can think is that you confused the matrilineal transmission of certain faiths.

Whatever, you are wrong. The OP is the half-sister of the son of her father by a different mother.

That is What I Think - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I think she is confusing certain faiths, too. In Judaism, if the mother is Jewish and the father isn't, the child is Jewish. If the father is Jewish and the mother isn't Jewish, then the child is not Jewish.

I never heard this thing you've come up with regarding half siblings. If one has the same mother or the same father, you're a half sibling.

really? - nm

[ In Reply To ..]

This makes no sense at all - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
2 children with the same mother and 1 child has different father IMPLIES that both children have "different fathers."

This is equivalent to saying 2 children, both with the same mothers, different father.

There is no difference at all between your scenario #2 and scenario #3.

Or to put it another way:

Mom Debbie has daughter Susan with dad John. Mom Debbie has son with dad Rick.

your scenario #2 and #3 both fit the above configuration of mom, 2 dads and 2 children.

Obviously, you have "heard" or "been told" - WRONG

[ In Reply To ..]
That makes no sense.

"Related?" - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I suppose the term related could be up for interpretation, possibly, but no matter how you slice it or dice it, both the OP and her brother received DNA information from the same man.

So are you saying he was not nice to you? - lost

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Yes, he wasn't nice to me or my daughter... - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
He barely said a word, and he didn't even try to get to know her. It was the first time he has seen her since she was a year old when our father passed. She is 10-years-old now. He warned me when we walked in that he is going to be even more rude than usual today as he is really busy. I just didn't notice that he treated anyone else like this, and I thought that kind of warning in itself was almost rude. I felt like leaving early and was going to especially when I noticed other people leaving, but his mom, her boyfriend, and his wife's stepfather talked to us. We are going to meet them again in a different setting, and hopefully it will work out better.

Being in someone's home and being a guest - and treated rude, what I did

[ In Reply To ..]
I would not care if this person was my mother/father/brother or did not know them personally. I had a little dog that came to my home, really scared, would not let you close but I could feed him and did this over several weeks, giving treats also. Posted in our neighborhood and another neighbor and I spent some time trying to capture. She was so happy, kept the dog. After then I asked if I could come by and see him because I cared. We set up a time, went by, another person there. We chatted and then dog owner asked the other person, hey would you like to see my new deck to which both of them got up, left the room and I was left sitting there by myself. I thought WHAT? I then got up, said ladies I'm leaving, left and never went back nor did I ask to go back again. I don't play rude and would, had I been in your place, left immediately with his first comment, although I probably would have asked first what did he say, what do you mean and then made haste.

I agree - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
Last year I had a combined birthday party for my daughter and niece at the zoo six hours away, where our niece lives. It was for the family I grew up with (my mother's family) and their spouses and children. After my brother's party/baby shower last weekend, I was thinking back to that party and hoping I didn't treat anyone the way we were treated. I think we all had a fun time, and there were over 40 people there. Like I've said, I'll give him the chance to get to know our kids and us if he'd like, but I have no expectations for it, and I don't think we'll ever go to another event at their house or anywhere for that matter. We'll just meet them at a park or for an activity like the zoo, aquarium, etc. I was so tempted to leave, but I felt weird being the first one to go and didn't want to draw attention to us, so once I noticed people start leaving, I was ready to. Anyway, thanks again for the advice, and I don't blame you for leaving your neighbors, too. Your neighbor should've been very thankful that you helped with getting them the dog, and they should be friendly as you have to live near them. Why does anyone think it's right to treat people like they are invisible, no matter how shy they might be? It's just rude to leave people out, in my opinion.

I feel bad for your daughter because she is only - lost

[ In Reply To ..]
10 years old and that is a sensitive age. Well, at least you got the compassionate gene of the family, because you sound very loving and forgiving. Good luck to you.

Thank you - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

That's only the case in horse breeding - oy vey

[ In Reply To ..]

Expectations - Nik

[ In Reply To ..]
You have a complicated family history. It seems that you do want to have a relationship with your brother and he with you, so that's good. Even in boring "normal" families, expectations differ among the family members, and this is what you need to focus on. Is it possible you're projecting your own feelings about yourself on your brother? You mention all these positive things your brother has, then comment on getting out of MT and going to school, and I got the impression that you felt somewhat negative about your own life. In your spot, I would give the relationship every chance to grow. A baby shower is just about the last place I would expect to have a really heart-to-heart moment with my brother. Lots of people around, focus on the new baby, etc. I think your idea about meeting them in smaller setting is excellent. If you grow close, that's great. If you remain casual friends, that's okay, too. We all need a bit of both in life.

Advice - Dotts

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe your brother simply cannot "deal with the situation right now." Do not get upset or hurt by his reactions; give him some time to come to terms with it. So sorry you had such problems with the father you had. Forgiving is hard but you are on the right track.

I think if you keep pursuing a relationship with him it's going sm - acuteMLS

[ In Reply To ..]
to always be kind of lackluster (for lack of a better word). Not your fault at all, it just seems like he isn't overly interested in having close family.

As long as you go into it with no expectations other than having a good afternoon with people you know (meaning not expecting close family time), then all is good. If you keep expecting him to turn into this close brother that it seems you want, I'm afraid you may always be chasing after that.

Thank you everyone for your advice :) - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you so much for all of the good advice. I will keep all of this in mind. I am going to give him another chance in a different setting, and hopefully things will turn out much better. I also agree that I shouldn't be too quick to judge him either. Either way, if it turns out or if it doesn't, at least we can say we tried. I also have a half-sister that I don't know very well. She was raised by her biological mother and also spent time living with our father. It also made me wonder about why he never accepted me, knowing that two of them lived with him. She married, has a daughter, and lives in another state. Throughout the years, I have e-mailed her but gave up when there was no response. I ended up, with the help of my fiance, finding our half-brother who was put up for adoption. We met him about four years ago, and we have an okay relationship. Our half-sister wanted nothing to do with him until she heard from her mother that he was planning a trip to Disneyland for me and our kids (we later cancelled this), but anyway that was the only phone call he has received from her. During that call, she said she really wishes she would've stayed in contact with me, but she doesn't have my phone number. She has been on my FB for years and uses it often, and she could've asked through there if she really wanted to talk to me or she could've answered my e-mails and asked for it. Anyway, she said our Dad asked her to watch out for me and she wishes she would have. Then after this phone call, my half brother and I have heard nothing from her at all. I'm not trying to put her down, but I find the part about looking out for me a bit amusing. She has never had to work and married into money. I know what it's like to work, raise a family, and take care of a sick significant other. No offense to her and not to sound mean, but I really didn't need her "looking out for me" which she obviously wasn't serious about anyway, seeing that I haven't heard a word from her, and she has easy ways to contact me if she wanted. Our mothers also know each other and her mother actually went to a birthday party at my mom's house so she could meet our dad's first son.

Anyway, sorry if this is all hard to follow. I know it's complicated. Thanks again for the advice. I will always be there for family and realize our relationships might never be the way I wish they could be.

You were invited for the nice gifts you - peppermint patty

[ In Reply To ..]
brought them. Like you said, he did not have time to talk much to you and your daughter, but had time for his friends. Did he even say "happy birthday" to you? You are right and life is too short, so I would spend it with the people who love you for you and not what they can get from you. Also, do you really want to marry a man who thinks you are "overly sensitive" when you tell him your feelings?

Just a thought - dz

[ In Reply To ..]
I could be wrong, but it just might be possible that he WANTS to get to know you, but doesn't quite know how. Guys especially can be like that. It sounds like you've had an awkward family situation your whole life. I like to think the best of people. Maybe on the other hand, he didn't want to leave you out, but never thought you'd come. I'm a little awkward sometimes around some of my family members. I too would like to be a little closer to my brother, but ours is an awkward relationship and we grew up together with the same parents.

I wouldn't be too hard on him just yet. He did make an effort and it would've been a lot more rude to just not invite you at all. If you got wind of it, you'd probably be way more offended. I've been there too. I wasn't invited to any of my family's weddings except for 1. I was only IN one wedding in my life and it was my best friend's (at the time) sister. I have sisters and one of them didn't even care if I was there. Made me stay home and babysit my nephews.

So, I'm trying to say, it could've been worse. I hope you give him another chance. Maybe it's your turn to invite him over?

I agree with dz - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Considering the past and everything you have shared, I do believe it is possible that you may have been just a little anxious without meaning to be, and somewhat over-sensitive. To be honest with you, I think he really did want you there. This is obvious by him telling you, sorry for being rude, but I am very busy today. It is also somewhat obvious because his wife was so welcoming. You know they discussed this beforehand, so he must have told her he really wanted you there too. Maybe he really does not know the appropriate way to handle this. You have to admit, it is somewhat awkward, and I can see where he would have more to say to close friends than he did to you - simple because he was more comfortable with them.

Perhaps he does not want to make a big deal out of this, and it is best that you don't either. Give this thing time. Let the relationship evolve slowly and comfortably. I do not think you will regret it if you do. Another meeting with less people around is in order. Don't push it, but be open to it. Remember, the sins of the past are not his either. He deserves a chance to get to know your family, even if it is awkward for him, and vice versa.

Good luck to you with this and remember, just be yourself, and give him time to know who that is and be accepting of it. Do not be too quick to judge who he is either.

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