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Family Problem...

Posted: Jan 6, 2015

I'm not sure if this is the right place to discuss things not related to transcription. I tried to use the gab board, but it wasn't working. Anyway, any advice is greatly appreciated!

I live hundreds of miles from my parents, and now I get along with them much better. My Mom often calls me daily, but she is very rude if she gets another call. She will say someone else is calling, I have to go. or so and so is calling, call me back later or I'll call you back. I enjoy talking to her and could use her emotional support as my husband is very sick, we have young children, and I'm the only one working. I just feel she has a very rude way of treating me on the phone sometimes. It's like if we're talking and any other call comes in, she gladly immediately ends our call to take the new one.

How would you recommend dealing with this? I feel like I should just stop talking to her on the phone altogether. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

;

Advice - clyde

[ In Reply To ..]
Is it possible you may be overly sensitive about this? If you're talking on the phone every day, it's for support but sometimes people run out of things to say. Plus, your mom may be waiting on a phone call and what you perceive as her being rude may just be that she needs to get the call before it goes to voicemail.

At any rate, I'd advise you find support from someone outside of your mom.

Stress can do strange things to us and I'll be the first to say that when I'm under stress caused by people I can't take it out on (sick husband, small children, employer) I tend to take it out on those who are close to me but who are strong enough to take it. Find a safe place to vent. For many, this can be a workout or (if you live in a place with mild weather this time of year) a walk around the block (or around the block several times in the event you need to burn off more emotions). Walking around the block, for me when my kids were little, allowed me to tell my kids that I had a bad day and needed to walk to sort things out, but they knew that a walk around the block would only take 7 minutes. With your husband ill and your kids little, this may be the perfect solution for you.

Also, let your kids and your husband know that you're feeling stressed and you need some "me" time, whether that means a bubble bath after everyone goes to bed, or a walk around the block, or locking yourself in your room for 10 minutes and screaming into a pillow. Take that time for yourself.

It sounds like you're taking care of a lot of people and there is no one to take care of you, which is why you rely on your mom's calls so much. You need to do something small to take care of you, get you away from the stress for just a little while. A friend of mine reads books before bed, which is a great way to get out of your world and into a different place for a little bit.

I wish you luck. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much for the advice - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for your kind words and advice. It really helped. I cried when I read your response. I am stressed beyond belief and often feel trapped in transcription. Once in a while, I get motivation and a burst of energy and am like "Yay! I'm going to put a lot of effort into getting out of this job." Then I somehow end up losing that motivation and often go back to feeling blah all over again. I do love going for walks. In 2014, I also lost an uncle in his 40s who I was really close to. He was only 13, so he basically grew up with me and my cousins, and he seemed more like a brother to me. I could call him anytime, and he could always be counted on for a laugh. He was chronically ill starting in his 30s, but his death was a surprise. He developed diabetes after not being able to work due to his clotting disorder, and his doctor put him on a medication his kidneys couldn't handle (metformin), so it happened suddenly and was unexpected. Although he was chronically ill, he was stable until the metformin.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked a bit, but I liked your advice. I do have to get back into the habit of walking. It's difficult and a little scary to walk by myself though. I need to meet more people I guess. I also have been cooped up as our only car broke down, and we have to wait possibly until income tax to be able to fix it. I was feeling better about things before that happened and had plans for nursing school, trying to take a CNA class before then, and finding an outside job.

Thank you for listening and for all of the advice. I have hope that things will eventually improve. Take care. :)

I meant to say he was only 13 years older than me - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
My uncle was only 47 when he passed, not 13. He was an awesome guy, always could make people laugh no matter what they were going through. He will forever be missed.

If I could.... - Mary

[ In Reply To ..]
If I could, I would come out there, pick you up, and take you out for a spa day. Sending you big hugs from North Carolina. Hang in there, sweetheart!

Bags packed and ready! :) lol - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds like fun...I could use a little vacation :)

Difficult mom - MsMagoo

[ In Reply To ..]
This might not be very helpful, I know you are dealing with a lot and I hope your life gets better soon. My mom drove me nuts sometimes too. When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, as I was on my way to the hospital for surgery, I stopped to tell her we would miss our weekly shopping trip and she said "All this over a couple of ovaries?" I can laugh now but it kind of hurt at the time. What I wouldn't give to have her back for one more phone conversation! She died suddenly 2 months later and we never got another shopping trip. I miss her so much, the good and the bad :) My advice is love her unconditionally and try to laugh when she is thoughtless and hurtful, she probably doesn't realize she's hurting you. I know it's hard but one day she will be gone and you will miss everything about her.

I'm sorry about your Mom - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for sharing. It was very helpful. You really gave me something to think about, and I think it's true. I definitely would miss her if she was gone. We moved away due to how expensive their area became due to a military base, and I never thought I would miss her as much as I do. Your story about your mom was cute. She probably didn't know she was hurting you when she said it, and maybe she was just really nervous about your medical problems and was thinking of how much she was going to miss her time with you. Take care

thank you : - MsMagoo

[ In Reply To ..]
I really should thank you for making me think of her, although a day rarely goes by when I don't. It's been more than 5 years and I still miss that every-day phone call with her. Best wishes to you!

To MT4 - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
The other two posters gave really good advice. I just want to add that my mother-in-law does that to my husband every time they're on the phone and she gets another call. It irritates him so much! We have no idea why she does that, but she does always call back to finish the conversation.

I used to talk to my mother in another state every Sunday and, sadly, I dreaded the calls because all she would do was complain about the same things, which she never did anything about. After she passed away from cancer, I was surprised at how much I missed those phone calls and wished I could go back in time and be more patient and kind to my mother when she was complaining.

I guess we all have our idiosyncrasies and things that annoy others. Maybe just try not to take it personally when your mom seems to blow you off. :-)

Thank you for the advice - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
I am very sorry about your Mom. It is nice that you talked with her often. I will just do my best to not let it bother me when she lets me go like that. I also probably shouldn't be on the phone everyday because I am often buried in the things I have to do. Maybe if our calls are reduced, it will be better for both of us and will make our phone time more valuable.

Well you can start by telling her how you feel. - Sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My mom always told me that a person will never know how you feel unless you tell them.

I think I would try talking to her about it. I don't think its appropriate to quite talking to your mother on the phone because of something like that. She is your mother, tell her it hurts your feelings when she abruptly ends your calls like that. I agree its rude, especially if you're in the middle of a sentence, but she is your mother.

Good advice... - MT4

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you. I agree with your Mom. Although I wasn't always like this, I think especially after becoming a mother 10 years ago, I am someone who usually speaks up for myself and others and lets people know how I feel. She probably doesn't realize how it makes me feel. Thanks again for the advice : )

Escape from topic in coversation a strategy - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
Most of us have loving mothers. I did not. It is difficult for those whose mother provided unconditional love and the nurturing to understand there are mothers who treat their daughters the way women in an office may treat each other. Not to say there is not love, but rather the good intentions are not there 24/7.

If your mother leaves some calls go while taking others, if she leaves in the middle of a sentence or topic and simply dismisses it as if it is small talk or if she flees the conversation because topic is too heavy, she is through talking and this is her out, or she has no time to show her daughter good manners as she would the public, it does deserve acknowledging.

You did move away. Is she punishing you for it? There are parents who want their daughters close for reasons obvious to us who have no kids.

But more than anything, I do not want you to say I understand the result of being in the middle of a call that the person made, they called you, causing you to stop and talk to them, and when they are ready to move on to their next daily task, leave without notice or further ado. Bad manners to say the least. It is unsettling to be left with the phone in your hand and now having to resume what you were doing before you were so rudely interrupted only to be treated rudely as they depart.

This is why I do not answer my phone and when my mother did what you mother did, I did not answer my phone unless I felt like talking. I also moved 3000 miles away. There are mothers who are bad mothers, ladies. Do I need to tell you this? Giving the mother the benefit of the doubt is sweet, but how about giving this person the benefit of the doubt.

And when my mother died, I sighed with relief. Casey Anthony gave my mother a run for her money. Personality disorders are not that uncommon.

Agree - Not OP

[ In Reply To ..]
That is a great post! People tend to put up with family members' rudeness because they're "blood." That is not healthy thinking.

Just because someone gave birth, doesn't mean they're a good mother. I'm glad you got away from your situation. I did, too, and it was the best mental health decision I ever made!

My Thoughts - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
My sympathies. The whole thing sounds very difficult to deal with.

I guess I'm wondering if your mother blows everyone off when she gets another call, or if she just blows you off. If she's just blowing you off, then I would most certainly take it personally. If she does it to everyone, then it's not personal to you.

I find it interesting when family members feel they can be rude to family members, but they're not rude to other people. That is clearly taking your loved ones for granted.

In any event, if you think it would do any good, you could talk to her about it. I'm not thinking you should have to, though---she knows she's pretty much hanging up on you. If you do talk to her, and she continues to be rude, then I wouldn't beat that dead horse. Move on to people who truly care about you for support.

There are support groups. You can do this online if you really can't get out.

Definitely find a way to blow off steam. I'm in a climate where I can get outdoors year round and walk or go for a swim in our pool. Swimming is my favorite. If you like to swim and don't have a pool (or warm climate), see if there is a local Y with an indoor pool.

Best of luck to you. I know it's hard when it's your mom that is doing this to you, but please don't spend energy trying to fix her. You need your energy for other things.

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