Immediate Family Dynamics

Posted: Jan 27, 2016

I come from a family who were all intact, that is, no divorce or overt abuse or anything of that nature. Because of that, I think they think I got it better than I actually did. In fact, my mother believes I've had an easy life. I've always had emotional problems and was on disability until a couple of years ago and became an MT. When I was younger, if therapists asked me about my upbringing, I never thought anything was attributed to any problem with my upbringing and thought it was just a purely nature rather than nurture problem. But in recent years, and I'm middle-aged now, I see that although I didn't come from a broken home and wasn't abused, there's a lot of things I didn't get. My parents never asked me at all what was happening in school day to day, never suggested extracurricular activities (as compared to others who had a "soccer mom" or whatever), never read to me or took me to the library (my parents are immigrants), never suggested that I get a job or how to get a job when I was a teenager, or taught me anything whatsoever. My parents worked long hours at their business and I was "looked after" by my grandparents in an extended family, so no, I wasn't a latchkey kid nor from a broken home, as I previously said. On top of that, because I didn't "have to work" either, that seems to be why my mother thinks my life is easier than others, and that she always gave me what I wanted (which is basically food, shelter, and clothing). I never got any luxuries or anything but I did have basic material needs met, but the thing is nobody ever taught me how or suggested I get a job, so really, I think I got the short end of the stick. When I finally trained and got a job as an MT (even though I did go to college, but didn't know what I was doing then and didn't major in anything leading to a career), my mother asked: How much money do you make? I answer not much, about $1000 a month. She didn't hear me correctly and said $500? I repeat, $1000. My mother says, "not bad." I know saying "not bad" was meant to be supportive, but it still feels invalidating just like saying I've had an easy life is invalidating . Basically, I never had a chance to succeed in life until I got old enough to be aware and find ways to lift myself up from my own bootstraps. My sister said our family is not dysfunctional, you don't know what dysfunctional is. In summary, I'm annoyed, even a bit resentful perhaps, that my family apparently thinks they're more supportive and perfect than they are, since I've basically had to struggle all by myself.;