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yet another relationship advice post

Posted: Nov 12, 2009

Okay so I have a lazy husband/boyfriend (together 7 years, 3 kids, not married). He is a plumber and is working for a company on comission where actually now he is paying to work because he has to use gas to go in everyday whether there are jobs or not. He has to stay the full 10 hours just in case jobs come in. He works SOLELY on commission. To a typical person this sounds retarded! I mean he made nothing for the past 2 weeks and actually had to borrow money from his boss to pay for the gas to come in this week. Now he has made tiny paychecks for months! He had left this company once before for the same thing and I don't know why he won't leave again. He likes to hunt a lot. When he comes home he just sits on his ass! He doesn't help me do anything! He is very loving, but when compared with all the other crap he does NOT do I am about fed up. Is love enough to stay with someone when you know that the bad stuff will never change? I know it won't. We have split up before for about 6 months and he actually begged me back stating that things would change. For 6 months I was standing on my own 2 feet without him and doing a darn good job, until he came back. For that first year we were back together it was great and now it is crappy. I love him and figured since I did it wouldn't be like I am staying with him for the kids or anything. I am not getting any younger. My 5yo came to my desk when I was working and asked me why her daddy was so mean and just watches tv all day. When he "watches" the kids while I work he just shoves them in their room to watch tv and I still have to do things for them. I know I can make it on my own, but I also know that this time there is no going back with him because I will not be one of those couples who do that. My whole family seems to tell me just to leave and go and some act like I am an idiot, but it is really hard to make this decision! Sorry so long!

;

First off, I will play devil's advocate.....sm - Cyndiee

[ In Reply To ..]
It is really devastating to a man's "ego" to know that he is not providing well with his family, their self-esteem is tied very tightly to how good a provider he is for his family, his pride is probably feeling very hurt with his job problems, and we all know that it is not easy to just "find a new job"

That being said, though, he has to realize he has another job - FATHER. And if he can be made to realize that being a father is not just about bringing home the paycheck, but so much more importantly about being a nurturing, guiding, loving, stable influence on his children, and the pay for THAT is children who truly adore, love, respct, and LIKE him, and also children who grow up to be more loving and nurturing, more stable, with a higher self-esteem, and who will see out better relationships themselves, he will see that he has to swallow all that macho pride and put the kids' FEELINGS first.

And what about you? The reason we have relationships is to share our lives, it is not always a honeymoon, but there is love, respect, strength, acceptance, and so much more that YOU deserve to be receiving in his relationship. If he is feeling so diminished about not making any money, then he needs to do what BIG PEOPLE DO - keep searching and searching for a more stable job for his FAMILY. A job such as his with only commisions, having to pay out of his pocket in order to make any money at all continuously, this is not good. Children need a steady income, more and more as they grown older, and they need a real daddy.

Can you openly talk with your guy about searching for more job opportunities? It is a bad time, but it CAN be done with persistence and selling yourself. Or two good part-time jobs? We have resorted to this in the past when the kids were babies, you do what you HAVE TO DO to provide for children. But be loving, supportive, and understanding. But in the end, if he wants to wallow in self-pity, be silent, ignore you and the kids, etc., then I so strongly feel that you deserve better and just should look for other options for you and the children, at least for a while. Can a close friend or family member help out and have you live with the comfortably for a while? I will pray for you and your family, that whatever is best will happen and God will guide you. Take care of yourself and your little ones!!!

another loser, needs to become a real man. - sick of it. n/m

[ In Reply To ..]
n/m

You are being played, he will not change - Answers

[ In Reply To ..]
Please do not waste your life and this is what this is. You really have no idea how fast your life will go and then you will sit, such as I did this morning and hate I have wasted some of mine, on an ex.

His boss is taking advantage of him unless... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
he also receives some kind of retainer to be on-call on-site. Let him keep borrowing money from the boss because maybe that will force some changes such as allowing your boyfriend to wait at home or allow cellphone contact.

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