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A little advice here please

Posted: Aug 18, 2016

Just got on line to check bank account held jointly with fiance. I see a charge on a credit card that I don't recognize (plus a service fee charge). Questioned him about it a couple of days ago and got vague answer (s). Today, I called the 1-800 number and asked what kind of businesses they billed for. I was told a wide array of different things. One of which could be porn videos. Not happy at all as I do NOT want this in my house. Why can't men just tell you the truth? Why must they look at this in secret? I am hurt and angry. Hopefully, when he comes home from work tonight we can discuss this. I know that he will blow up and I will be the one apologizing to keep peace in the house. Confided with a friend and she told me her husband does the same. Men are truly wired different than us. I don't always want to have sex when he does. I am tired afte working all day, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Some days my pain level is through the roof even with pain pills. Guess if I want it to stop, I will just give in. I feel like I am not being respected but it is not about me. Got to let it go and move past it. Other than this issue, everything else works.

Thanks for listening. Please don't pass judgment on me. I have my issues as well. I want to work this out with him and get him to understand my side and how upsetting this is to me.

;

Advice - dll

[ In Reply To ..]
You have a problem for sure. From what I have heard, porn addiction is a very serious disease. I would say, talk to your significant other about it if possible and bring it out in the open and then seek counseling.

I feel for you because I went through a similar - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
experience. I found out my husband was watching porn at a particularly bad time for me as I was in the midst of postpartum depression. He wasn't addicted or anything and in fact was using it to get through the required number of ejaculations to clear the semen for testing after a vasectomy. Still it just hit me the wrong way, and I was really upset. We struggled. One thing that helped was he happened to overhear a person at work who also worked as a marriage counselor describe how often porn was an issue in troubled marriages. He told me at that time that he had decided to give it up, but I am not certain that is still true, and it is something to this day we choose not to talk about. I don't ask because I don't want to risk feeling that pain again. He is so loving in other ways that I try to focus on that and not think about it. That happened over 10 years ago, and I think our marriage is good in many, many ways, so you can get past it. I know how the thought of it can sting though, so my heart goes out to you.

Most men watch porn sometimes, whether they tell - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
the woman in their life about it or not. Watching porn occasionally is not porn addiction, which is another whole kettle of fish. That would be like saying anyone who has sex is a sex addict. Sex addiction is totally different from just having and enjoying sex.

Men sometimes watch porn. Women sometimes read graphic romance novels. Neither necessarily means anything in particular where their relationship with a significant other is concerned. It's only that both sexes find thinking about sex pleasant, they're just wired to different dominant sense stimuli.

It's also true that both sexes are more likely to resort to mental sexual stimulation and/or masturbation if their current relationship doesn't contain much sex, or at least not much good sex. In that case, such behavior may indicate a problem, but that's a relationship problem, not necessarily something wrong with your SO. In fact, sometimes it might even be viewed as a good thing if it's a lesser-of-two-evils approach to a long sexual dry spell, chosen in preference to finding someone to cheat on you with.

Speaking as someone who went through - a similar situation,

[ In Reply To ..]
while I'm sure you meant your response to be helpful, I don't think it was. I knew all the facts about men and porn use. However, (as I told my husband at that time), I thought I'd married someone who was better than "most men." I had to let go of this image of him, but it was very difficult.

That's the problem with totally unrealistic expectations. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
:::

Or...you could go on telling him no when you're just too tired or - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
in too much pain and simply accept the fact that he may occasionally decide to go watch a XXX video instead while letting you get your sleep.

But that would require you both have an honest conversation about your sex life or lack of one, and I find women tend to be just as evasive about such painful topics as men. (I'm thinking of a friend who, to my certain knowledge, had not had sex with her husband for at least 10 years--but went absolutely ballistic when she discovered he had some porn on his computer. So he got honest with her...He moved out and filed for divorce so he could finally get the real thing elsewhere with a clear conscience. She threw a temper tantrum because she had been planning on divocing him, but not for another 5 years. It ain't just men who act dumb.)

Wow - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Yep. Lots of women cut off their nose to spite their face. Glad he left her.

How many times can a guy take "no" for an answer before he ventures out? It's a flat out rejection, one that nobody should put up with.

And then there are the women who "drop their litter," then cut the guy off. Real smart, ladies.

Lets - see

[ In Reply To ..]
Perhaps you can make use of your searching skills and educate him that he can find butt load of porn free on the net and does not need to dole out money, except for internet. You don't want to have sex when he wants and don't want him to watch porn either. Good luck landing that coin in the middle.

Geeez Leweeez - JC

[ In Reply To ..]
Good grief. You somehow have found the energy for everything but your husband. That's interesting.

And of course he knows you'll go ballistic if he looks at porn, so, DUH, that's why he's not being honest with you.

Sweetie, it doesn't take much energy to please your man. Intercourse isn't the only way to please a man sexually. I think you are on a "feel sorry for me" way of thinking.

Your husband is human, and men need to know their women love them. And that's through sweetness, kindness, and yes (horrors) sex. I don't know who you think you are that you can deprive him of all those things--don't tell me you're sweet and kind to him, I won't buy it--and not expect him to go look elsewhere.

I think you should release him of his vows so he can have someone who appreciates him. I'm sorry for your physical and emotional pain, but you are inflicting pain on your husband, and his next step is directly into another woman's arms. Think about that one.

I agree with the poster about women reading steamy novels. Men are more visual, that's what gets them aroused. So, you've never read a steamy novel and gotten turned on?

Some of the posters here were kinder and gentler than I was, but read between their lines, deary.

Well, I was one of the othe posters, and I largely agree with you, but - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
just to be completely fair, there is a flip side to consider. No one, male or female, should feel compelled to have sex absolutely every time their SO gets the notion. It takes 2 to tango, and neither of them can always flip a switch on demand. Likewise, it is unrealistic to expect someone to be enthusiastic about sex if they frequently don't enjoy it all that much--which a woman won't if a man's idea of it is spending 10 minutes after the lights go out and before he starts snoring.

Which comes back to the need for communication, communication, communication--honest and open communication. The only rule about sex in marriage is that both partners need to come to an agreement about how and how often they satisfy their needs. There have been good marriages with no sex. There have been good marriages where one or both parties had sex with others as well as their spouse. There are good marriages where the partners have sex every day and twice on Sundays and good marriages where they have it only once every few months. Two human beings are never going to be on the exact same sexual wavelength for their whole lives. A little understanding, goodwill, and an occasional compromise are called for.

I Get What You're saying - JC

[ In Reply To ..]
...but nobody should have to beg for it. I think there are situations where (and it's usually the woman) the spouse says "no" so many times, it feels like a constant rejection to the other person. And the other person feels "needled" to death. Maybe there wouldn't be so much needling if the other spouse would just do it.

I think people need to have some sensitivity towards the other person. The OP of this thread is flabbergasted, and doesn't seem to understand that her spouse didn't tell her, because he knew she'd blow a gasket. And I am assuming she is constantly rejecting him, not just once in a while.

Good people do bad things under extreme circumstances. Save the arrogance that it could never happen to you.

It's not her husband - no vows

[ In Reply To ..]
xx

Life is too short... - ...

[ In Reply To ..]
... to be with someone who tries to control what you look at. Sorry but that's just my personal opinion. I am an adult. I am not a child, and my husband is not my master. If he ever tried to control what I look at online or in a book or on TV, etc., we would have problems. I love "window shopping" online for clothes and shoes. It doesn't mean I'm going to blow the mortgage money on a new outfit, it just means I like to look at things that interest me. Likewise, I don't try to control what he looks at either.

When people try to control one another to that extent, things don't usually work out too well. When it comes to our relationship, I only ask that he is faithful to me and our marriage vows. That's it. This is all he asks of me as well. I don't tell him what to do or what he can look at or where he can or can't go. He doesn't tell me what to do either. If I wanted to hop on a plane tonight and fly to New York to watch a Broadway show with a friend, I would do that, and he wouldn't care one bit. This is my life journey, and he would never attempt to limit me from living it to the fullest, and I extend that same respect and trust to him as well. I am an adult and can do what I please. I am faithful to my husband, he knows this, and that is what he actually cares about.

We are individuals with many similar interests as well as interests that the other may not be that into. For example, we both love going to concerts and comedy shows and do that together often. However, he likes Nascar, and I hate it. He can watch it, but I prefer not to. If he wanted to go to a race this weekend, he would. I probably wouldn't accompany him because it's just not my thing. You don't have to like all the same things, but don't limit the other person from doing things they like just because you don't want to do it.

If you know that he has a bigger sexual appetite than you, why does it bother you that he tries to satisfy his appetite with visual aids if you aren't in the mood? Would it bother you if you weren't in the mood and told him no, and then later that evening you happened to walk in on him satisfying those needs alone in the bathroom (just him, no pornographic materials)? Even if he doesn't have something to look at, he has his imagination. Does it bother you if he fantasizes about something too? Or is he not "allowed" to even try to satisfy his needs on his own? I know some women prefer their husband/boyfriend doesn't self-satisfy at all, with or without visual aids.

If he was really trying to hide it, I would think he wouldn't have charged it on your joint account. A grown adult shouldn't have to hide something like that from their spouse or significant other anyway. Life it just too damn short to live being controlled by someone like that. I could never be happy in a relationship where I felt that I had to hide something that I wanted to do or constantly felt like I was going to get "caught" or get in trouble for simply looking at something or touching my own body in a way that pleases me. Live your life however you want, but when you start trying to control how others live theirs and put ridiculous childish rules upon another person, you're asking for disappointment and heartache.

I've only been happily married for over 30 years though, so hey, what do I know.

I would love to know the outcome of the OP and fiance's discussion... - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

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