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Need some advice

Posted: Jul 18, 2011

I am having some issues with my boyfriend. He has not been working for a while now and I have been paying rent/bills/groceries all on my own. No big deal, it has to be done, but what I am having a problem with is his bi-weekly "allowance". He needs his own money to spend, and I understand that, but no matter how much money I tell him I am going to give him, it is never enough. He is never happy with what I give him (usually a couple hundred dollars). I never spend any money on myself (obviously after rent and bills and groceries are paid for there is not much left anyway). Last Friday, I finally spent some money on myself. And I felt guilty for only about 2 seconds because I bought something I REALLY wanted. A new cell phone. I was so happy with it, and when I got home he decided he needed to have one too. So I figured he would use my old (maybe 6 month old) prepaid cell phone card and get a SIM card for it - 10 dollars for the SIM card and whatever he wanted to put on the phone. Well, he decided he needed to get a brand new phone on a couples plan in my name. Umm, now I am on the hook for 160 dollars a month for the next 3 years. Today (3 days later) he wants more money - all the money I have left. I told him I would give him half of the money, but once again it is not enough.

Now, he gets really upset when we talk about these things. He tells me he always gives me money and that he isn't "greedy" when it comes to money. The thing is, I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, I pay the rent; even if he has money, I am still the one paying for the majority of these things. However, I don't like the way he makes me feel when it comes down to money. I am struggling to keep us going most days, and while I don't mind giving him money, I mind that if I say to him I am going to give him 200 dollars for spending money for the next 2 weeks, he will tell me he needs 250 dollars. And unless I cave, he has a little fit where he gives me the silent treatment and makes me feel bad. If I could afford to give him 500 dollars a week, I would do it, but I can't. This is a constant stressor for me, because even if I am flat broke, he asks me to borrow money from family members so we can get by. I am honestly the happiest when I am flat broke because there is no stress over money for me then. Even when I am flat broke, he thinks I am lying because how can I be broke already?

Am I being too greedy? Because this has been going on for a lot longer than I would like to admit, and maybe it is me. Isn't 200 dollars every 2 weeks enough to get by on when you don't have to buy groceries or pay bills? I get by with 20 dollars to myself for 2 weeks, if I am lucky, and usually that money goes to things we need.

Sorry so long. Just need some advice. Thanks guys.

;

Kick him to the curb, and you need to get your head examined. - Wow

[ In Reply To ..]
He does not work. How long? You would give him $500 if you could - REALLY????

What is he spending this money on? Why does he need it. He is certainly not paying for food and gas to work, and not paying any bills. Why does he need that much? Why are you agreeing to this arrangement in the first place?

I think you need more help than you can get on this board.

Thanks for that..my boyfriend thinks so too -

[ In Reply To ..]

I think - meme

[ In Reply To ..]
he needs a mommy.

If you mean are you greedy like OMG my bills are paid? then ya.

Seems you are the one being taken advantage of in this situation. Gives you the silent treatment because you don't give him enough money? Opens a phone contract in your name? (how did he pull that off????) Sounds like your teenage son acting out or something instead of a boyfriend.

You know this is totally gut reaction from reading this and I surely don't mean to offend, but I was married to a man like this for far too long and this brings that back, so the best advice I can give is get rid of him. I am sure that is farther than you wanted to go with it, but that is what I have for you.

Dr Phil say relationships are negotiated - whoknew

[ In Reply To ..]
so I think you should have a conversation like this.

Him: I need money.
You. Glad you brought up the subject of money! I have it, you want it. I want a boyfriend who isn't a mouch. Show me your own paystub and I'll agree to let you have half of what's left over after I repay myself for paying your rent the last _____.
Him: You're being nasty.
You: Oh, you want money and me to be nice! Why didn't you say so. I charge extra for being nice, so I'll take twice as much from your check. Wait, you don't have a check? Well, there's nothing to negotiate with, then. Love me for who I am and what I do for you, or there's the door.

You can live without a man. You can't live in a home if your man takes all your money and there is nothing left for living expenses. If you don't stop it, he will take everything and you won't even have a roof over your head.

And cancel the cell phone plan now to cut your loss.

Your reply made me smile -

[ In Reply To ..]
Because he constantly says I am not being nice to him or I am being a you know what if I tell him I cannot afford to give him X amount of dollars or if I tell him it isn't fair to me that I don't get any spending money for myself.

It is not really funny that that made me smile but it did make me smile. I can't picture myself being that cheeky to him but thanks for the giggle.

You need to grow some nads and get "cheeky" - sm - Zorro

[ In Reply To ..]
with him or someone else pointed out soon you will not have a roof over your head, you will have NO money and he will be long gone after having sucked you dry. He has no scruples asking you to ask family/friends for money so he can have spending money. You are just going to have to learn to say NO, and really mean it, he is like a 2-y/o who wants a toy then has a temper tantrum when he cannot have it (unfortunately many men have this mentality, my DH included)

Not trying to kick you when you are down BUT - sm - Zorro

[ In Reply To ..]
you need to set some ground rules if you intend to actually hang on to this guy (which is really NOT in your best interest. IF you decide NOT to dump him (which is my recommendation) then
(1) cancel the phone plan he set up (presumably with your permission), eat the cancellation fees, just maintain your one phone, he can always use it too since he is always home since he does not work (is he unable to work due to some sort of disability???)
(2) Get him on unemployment unless of course he is not eligible, which I preume he is not or it has run out,
(3) Tell him the money train stops, if you continue to give him an allowance it will be $30 a week (tops 50), if he whines tell him to go get a job then he can spend what is left after he gives you $1000 a month for food and rent.---Really would love to know what he is spending $500 a month on....beer?, hanging at the local bar laughing with his buddies how he is a "kept" man
(4) tell him if he doesn't like it, there is the door.

Also SET A TIME LIMIT for him to get a job, presuming you don't kick his butt out after everyone tells you too (which I hope you do).

Stop being a doormat. I never was to that extent but I am guilty of footing the bill 95% of the time with a long-term boyfriend, buying him stuff he "needed", etc, why I did it I do not know, but spent thousands over the course of five years. I was such an idiot. Took me a while to wise up. After we broke up (for the third time) I finally got wise and made it stick, he tried crawling back about two years later (probably realized how good he'd had it ) but I just laughed in his face. Never heard from him again, great feeling.

Boyfriend - Mcg

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds as if you're a generous, wonderful person. It's unfortunate that he doesn't have those particular attributes. Life is short, and you deserve someone who gives you the same consideration as you give to him. There are lots of great guys out there. I've been in your shoes more than once and FINALLY I have a great guy whom I can trust.

Be good to yourself!

I don't see myself as being a doormat -

[ In Reply To ..]
I am just trying to take care of the both of us. I can only imagine what it feels like to not have any money and to have to depend on someone to constantly give you money for this or that or whatever.

Yes, he does get some money from unemployment but not a lot really. He has been looking for a job for a while now but is having a hard time finding one.

I guess I am just trying to keep everyone in the house happy (and by everyone I mean him) and in the process I am kind of doing this to myself, but I don't know how to stop this now that I have put myself in this situation and kind of kept him in this lifestyle for so long (and it has been a VERY long time now).

I know I need to grow a pair, but I don't see things changing because I doubt I will anytime soon. It is just easier for me to pay the bills/buy groceries/give him money and then be broke for 13 more days until I get paid again.

you're not all that different from a lot of us - whoknew

[ In Reply To ..]
a some point in our lives when we found ourselves in a situation that we grow tired of. I was married to a man who was determined to work as little as possible and thought my mother's job was to provide him a home to live in (she had several houses). He finally understood I was serious when I kicked him out, changed the locks, got to be good friends with a couple where the guy was a sherrif (you get the drift), and suddenly after 15 years (gasp!) he got a real job. In fact, he has had this one ever since I kicked him out because there was no one to pay his rent BUT him. Thing is, he is still miserable and I'm the happy one :) Yep, I'm still living paycheck to paycheck and I'm working 3 jobs, but I'm a happy house-bound MT. I'd much rather be happy by myself and broke than miserable with a guy and broke.

You'll do somehing when it gets uncomfortable enough :)

So yo didn't want advice, you wanted affirmation? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You don't really want to do anything about the situation because it's going on so long. So what was the advice that you wanted? Whether you should give him his money in $20s or $10s? Whether you should give him unlimited texting?

It seems a lesson that nobody will take another's word on but instead feels the need to learn for themself. But bad things happen to those that enable the bad conduct of others (ask the Anthonys how well it's worked out for them).

Because of your reluctance to do anything, and I'm not saying this to be mean, but are you "buying" his love? You may have to work on your own self-esteem issues. Cut him back to a mere $400/month to do nothing with (I'm so frikkin' jealous about that), and take the extra $100 and get yourself in some counseling. Anybody that is living like that and having it make them unhappy but unwilling to even consider doing anything about it has more problems than just what cell phone plan to get.

There are jobs in fast food and other retail outlets... - ...he needs to put up or shut up

[ In Reply To ..]
I am sorry but you are being a doormat. Helping him out is one thing...allowing him to abuse you and use you like a sugar momma is another. He is throwing tantrums like a 3-year-old (and yes I have a 3-year-old) and you are allowing it to keep happening. You are enabling the situation. He needs to be working somewhere making a little $$$ until he can find something more in line with what he should be doing.

OMG... Sorry, but I can't stand people who are such doormats - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Then come onto a forum to ask for advice that they really don't want, they just want someone to tell them what they are doing is okay.

Are you really rolling in the dough so much so that it's no problem for YOU to do it all? Do you really NEED for someone to tell you to tell that BUM to get off his duff and go mow some lawns or get a JOB?

Is it a self esteem issue? Is he the best you can do? I would NEVER give someone MY hard-earned money as an allowance when there are bills to be paid!

As for that new phone: the $150 cancellation fee sounds like a viable option. Tell Mr. Wonderful to get his own phone on his own tab.

My "ADVICE" to you: kick this one to the curb, like yesterday (as already mentioned) and grow a spine (also mentioend.)

You're giving that loser your hard-earned money? - Sounds like he's hit the slacker jackpot.

[ In Reply To ..]

The sex must be out of this world - NightFury

[ In Reply To ..]
Otherwise what does he bring to the table in the "boyfriend" department?

Any positive attributes about this joker at all?

lol! even THAT wouldn't be worth my self esteem! - me

[ In Reply To ..]
I'd rather fly solo!

is he a househusband? - sereneone

[ In Reply To ..]
Does he do the cooking, cleaning, etc. around the house since you are the one working? If he does, then he's basically an old-fashioned housewife that didn't work outside the home, although this whining about needing more money is ridiculous since it leaves you with none leftover, especially since he's getting a little bit of unemployment on top of what you give him. What does he do with that? I bet he keeps that for himself too.

If he doesn't take care of the house while you work and YOU are still doing the cooking, cleaning, etc., then for your own sake, grow a backbone and show him the door or at the very least tell him his allowance has to decrease and he needs to get over his pouting about it.

Serious question - Puzzled

[ In Reply To ..]
I am wondering what it is that makes people put up with situations that are intolerable and unhealthy (even when they KNOW they are intolerable and unhealthy). Sometimes while watching Judge Judy I will see two women fighting over a supremely horrible, loser guy. Sometimes even the guy admits he's a horrible loser! I seriously would like some input on this. Is this young women coping in an increasingly difficult world or women in general? I guess I would include men, too, as some of them are with women who treat them like dirt. What are they getting out of these relationships?

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