A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry

need hubby advice

Posted: Nov 30, 2009

I really need some help here and this is the only place to get it fast. My husband and I are separated. I caught him having "affair" at work, he was paying for some lady at work's car repairs, and sabotaged my daughter's attempt to work in this lady's department, along with lots and lots of lies and secrets and covering up. Short story, when confronted, he moved out and filed for divorce (and, of course is blaming me for the whole thing, saying I kicked him out - but he was out in less than a week). Now his father died. Lots of history with him and his dad, but he called me last night and I said I would be there for him. (I must be stupid). While laying awake all night, I realized that on 12/13 he has to decide to continue with the divorce, as the 90 days wait are up. I really don't want to go out on a limb for this guy and have him turn around and cut me off at the knees with this divorce right after. On the other hand, I should be more generous, after all his dad died. He told me not to do anything I am uncomfortable with. (the nicest he has been in a long time, for sure). I figure I can talk to him again and tell him I will come to pay my respects but his time with his family should not include me, it would be inappropriate as we are divorcing, for me to stand in the grieving line with him, or spend the entire day doing this viewing and funeral. What's your opinion on what I should do?Thanks in advance for all your help.

;

how long have you two been married? sm - bassettmomma

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm putting myself in your position. I've been married 15 years. If hubby and I separate/divorced and during this process his father died, I'd definitely be there because I am close with his family. I've been in the family for over 20 years. I think it depends on your relationship with your in-laws. I wouldn't be happy with your husband for what he did. If you were close with his family, I'd pay my respects. Good luck with this major change in your life. (your divorce)

Need hubby advice - Only trying to help

[ In Reply To ..]
I have been with my husband for 17 years now and I will tell you Marriage in my family is a sacred thing. We take our vowels seriously. â��Till death do us partâ��, you know? My father has cheated on my mother and they stayed together for us kids, now you can not separate them at all. You never know what life has in store for you and you can not change the path that is intended for us to travel. Now-a-days it is easier to get divorced rather than work through hard times. I am not telling you to stay with him, but you share a daughter together right? She needs to see that when something bad happens, you donâ��t tuck your tail and run. You have to work hard to get what you want and keep it. People can change and people screw up. It is sad, but that is the way it goes. I would never tell my husband but if he messed up, I could not be done with him. He is my best friend and I love him, as well as his family. I would go and pay my respects. But just give him some time with his family and donâ��t stay the whole time. If he is starting to be nice, maybe he realized he messed up bad. No one can tell you how to feel, and I sympathize with you through all of this and to top it off the holidays making it worse. I will pray for you and I hope everything works out in the end.

RE: vowels - tristian

[ In Reply To ..]
Death do us part is a long time to suffer. I'm sure the vows were taken seriously, at that time, but obviously something changed. It's not about what example was set before us, it's about how much are you going to put up with. Where is you're comfort zone in this?

Having children is NOT a reason to stay together. That child learns by example. When I got divorced I caught my 8 year old daughter crying in her closet. We talked, I told her I was sad her dad was gone also but know what she said?? She said, "No mom, I'm GLAD HE'S FINALLY GONE, NOW WE CAN BE HAPPY". How sad is that? I stayed in that sh*t marriage for 10 years for the "kids" and all they saw in their little lives was me the doormat and their father the womanizing VD machine. It took many years to fix.

Go to the funeral, it's about his father and family, not about you and he. Pay your respects because in spite of what's going on right now, you are part of that family.

He may genuinely need you to stand by him and be supportive, just don't be suckered into it being a spring board for reconciliation. It is what it is, a death in the family. Avoid the uncomfortable conversations if they happen and tell people to mind their own business if they ask anything.

It seems a lot of us have been through the same thing.

BE STRONG GIRL!

I agree with coming to pay respects and that is it, sm - My ex did the same thing

[ In Reply To ..]
My ex is convinced that I was the one who wanted the divorce. I had no choice. I was with my husband for 17 years, 4 of those years he had a secret life and was seeing other women and I didn't know about it. When I found out, promises were made, 3 years later, they were not being kept, so I left and filed for divorce. Gave him a choice of me or them, he chose them. But he will never admit it. I'm the one who left and I'm the one who filed for divorce. Don't play this game. Get out. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He will not be there if and when you need him. Get divorced and move on.

Family - Kara

[ In Reply To ..]
A few years ago one of my uncles died. He and his wife had been married over 25 years before they divorced. It was a bitter divorce, yet all of us still loved our aunt, and considered her our aunt, divorce or not. All of us missed her being there, and I personally felt it would have been nice if she had been there for/with her children (adults, but still a tough time.)

I guess I would say that if you are close to the family and if they think of you as family, it would be really nice if you would go.

My uncle passed away, but now we still include his ex, our aunt, in family activities, holidays, reunions. If somebody has been a member of your family for 25+ years it is just hard to say they aren't anymore.

I would not burn bridges if you have a good relationship with his family and they feel the same way about you.

I also agree with the other poster about what life brings. I had a coworker whose husband had an affair, but they chose to stay together. Fast forward 15 years, and their marriage is very solid now. They just click. Maybe your husband realizes he made a mistake. I do know another coworker who was a serial cheater. I guess you have to trust your instincts on this one. Good luck.

Similar Messages:

Jan 27, 2011
My first Hubby I saw washing a car with his then girl friend lol! My second was a picture of him eating an ice cream cone. What about you? ...

Jan 29, 2010
Do you have personal space? He notices everything that comes in with my name on it he is retired and has a lot of time on his hands drives me nuts ...

Apr 22, 2010
My hubby just recently switched back to 12-hour night shifts. Lately I have been putting a sticky note on the doorbell during the day that says, "Please do not ring doorbell until after 2 p.m." The other day I was told that this was rude by a neighbor. Can you believe that? If they need to get ahold of me bad enough, they can call my cell. I feel like I have to constantly protect hubby's sleep time and our family time now, not to mention be left alone to do my job. ...

Nov 12, 2012
The nuts just keep on comin'. LOLOL....see link ...

Aug 31, 2013
nm ...

Dec 23, 2010
Every year at Christmas my hubby is able to take two weeks off, which is wonderful for him but is beginning to stink for me. By the time his vacation is over I will be extremely resentful towards him and I hate that. In years past he has always done everything he can to help me out while I am working, cleaning the house, wrapping presents, picking up little odd and end gifts, etc. However, this year all he has done is lay on the couch and sleep after sleeping until 11:00 every ...

Jan 20, 2013
Let me give some background on this guy. He is a very shy, not wanting to have surprises, do not buy him anything stay in the background type of person. He is turning the big 60 at the start of this next month. We go out to dinner quite frequently. He does love food and good food, not your average McDonald's or Burger King type man. He really has no special restaurant he likes above others although we both like Carrabba's. I would like to have something a little different than our usua ...

Apr 29, 2010
Any suggestions which breed is good for companioship, behavior, llow shedding, etc? Thanks in advance for your help! ...

Mar 28, 2011
Ever since I moved, I get terrible seasonal allergies. I have a runny nose and am sneezy for weeks and weeks. My face itches, my ears itch, even my forehead itches!!! Anyone have any advice on how to help allergies???? ...

Mar 22, 2011
I was bored and decided to tamper with my hair (my favorite fashion accessory). I spent the weekend bringing it from a deep mahogany to platinum. Damage was minimal considering it was an at-home job with my husband I the "colorists," lol! I know with this new hair color change I need to amp up the makeup so as not to look faded out. I've dug out a few of my "bolder" colored lipsticks instead of the nude lip I usually used as a brunette, but was wondering if any other blon ...

Mar 22, 2011
Hi all, I just needed a little advice. My sister called me last night and asked me to watch my 2yo niece while she and her husband and her 13yo daughter went on a cruise in June. I told her that I couldnt because the 3 days that she wants me to watch her are days that I work. Keep in mind, I have a 13yo, a 4yo, and a 16mo myself which I work at home with and it is difficult. I just dont think that people get how hard it is even though Im at home. Anyway, so I told ...

Dec 11, 2009
Good morning...I need some advice and at this point any advice is welcome :-) I have a 5 year old energetic, funny, sweet little boy who is in kindergarten. I just had a short meeting with his teacher yesterday who said that she is having some real issues with my son in class. She says that he is very disruptive and acts silly all day. She says that he is not mean by any means and is very sweet, but he just simply will not concentrate on the task at hand but would rather ...

Jan 15, 2010
I've been living with a guy for 12 years. There are some aspects of his personality/behavior that are positive. However, he has a habit of mocking me at just about every opportunity, belittling, that kind of stuff. When I get upset he says he "was being funny." He likes to contradict me in public when possible and point out negatives - not so much about me specifically but demeaning comments about things like my dog or my hobbies, etc. I ask him to please not do these things in public but i ...

Jan 19, 2010
I need advice on what you would do in my situation. I'm so upset about it and my husband says not to do anything and basically dismissing it. I'll try to make this as short as possible. My family has been best friends with another family for about ten years. They're just like family. We do everything together. This past weekend their 16 year old daughter stayed over because she had a track meet and the rest of the family was going away for the lo ...

Aug 27, 2011
I wanted to see if anyone has some advice on what to do on a situation I am having with my ex-husband's girlfriend. This past Monday morning my apartment complex called me and told me that they received a fax the evening before that I wanted to be treated for bedbugs! I told them that I didn't send a fax and didn't have bedbugs, and asked her what number the fax came from. She wouldn't tell me. She then asked me why I didn't leave my phone number on the fax only my addre ...

Feb 10, 2010
Ok, here goes.... My husband drives a truck. When he comes in his dad (who is divorced and lives with his mother who is in her 80s and I guess you would say has no life) comes over. Well, no problem there except he don't know when to leave. LOL He comes around 10 or 11 am and stays until 10 or 11 pm. Then the next day he is back again unless he is working and then he comes after work. I don't mind him coming to visit every day when my husband is in ...

Oct 25, 2010
Our family was planning a trip to Disney World this summer and then I decided that maybe we should go to California (where we are from) and go to Disneyland, that way grandparents can come. Since then, my MIL has taken it upon herself to plan out ourentire vacation, starting with trying to make our motel reservations on the drive there and ending with making them on the way back. If she were just being nice, it would be completely different, but really, she is just being controlling. ...

Jul 22, 2011
I'll try not to make this too long, but I have an 18-year-old, soon to be 19-year-old son who just told me a couple months ago that he is gay. I was shocked, but not totally, as I had suspicions before because he never really showed much interest in girls. Anyway, I told him I love him no matter what and that did not matter to me. it took me a couple months to get over the heartache of it, though. His dad doesn't know yet, nor his younger brother, as I told him ...

Jul 18, 2011
I am having some issues with my boyfriend. He has not been working for a while now and I have been paying rent/bills/groceries all on my own. No big deal, it has to be done, but what I am having a problem with is his bi-weekly "allowance". He needs his own money to spend, and I understand that, but no matter how much money I tell him I am going to give him, it is never enough. He is never happy with what I give him (usually a couple hundred dollars). I never sp ...

Apr 05, 2011
I need some advice about my sister-in-law. We are going to her house next week for three days. Well, she wanted my husband to help her buy some power tools and teach her how to use them and put up a trellis. So that was the plan for Friday. I was okay with that – didn’t feel too left out. Now she has made other plans for Saturday that I don't want to do. How do I politely tell her I’m not into spend ...

Aug 18, 2016
Just got on line to check bank account held jointly with fiance. I see a charge on a credit card that I don't recognize (plus a service fee charge). Questioned him about it a couple of days ago and got vague answer (s). Today, I called the 1-800 number and asked what kind of businesses they billed for. I was told a wide array of different things. One of which could be porn videos. Not happy at all as I do NOT want this in my house. Why can ...

Sep 02, 2016
Asking advice here. My mom is in a nursing home. They provide great, compassionate care, and there's a waiting list to get in. I'm grateful that she's in a place we can afford, and it's only 3 miles from my home. When the need arose, I got her a wheelchair, which Medicare is still paying for. It was a brand-new chair that was fitted to her petite frame, and she was able to propel herself with her feet. About 6 weeks ago, I noticed that the chair in h ...

Jun 13, 2010
I am separated from my husband and soon divorcing which is actually a very good thing for my son and me. We were under a lot of stress, pressure and difficulties with living in his house. But my son grew up with his kids and he has not told them anything about us never coming back. I tried to get him to go to counseling, and despite many of my friends warnings even went to our pastor which just made things worse, b/c my husband works under this guy as a pastor too. ...

Jul 25, 2012
Cat people, should I take in a neighbor's cat? In a nutshell: We thought this "stray" was hanging around our yard last year. I talked to her and she let me pet her. Nasty winter weather came. We couldn't take her in because we have an old blind cat who tries to fight her off sometimes. So I went door to door with her picture, looking for her home so we wouldn't have to take her to a shelter. Bingo. She "lives" a couple houses away. The woman there was very nice, has a sec ...

Nov 17, 2012
Hi all, I have been offered a position in the front office of a medical facility. I am probably going to take it. While my problem will not weigh into my not taking it, I need some advice on how to handle something. Way back when I worked in a large office, there was ALWAYS something going on where they wanted everyone to chip in financially for something. Somebody is having a baby, somebody's somebody is having a baby, somebody is having a birthday, somebody is retiring ...

Aug 11, 2016
Well, I went to a job fair yesterday, had to go back and my daughter went with me and we both got jobs! Problem with mine is it's only seasonal till Feb. Of course, if the job continues and I've done well through the training and the actual job till Feb., I could possibly still have a job. Better pay right off the bat and $1.00 for EVERY HOUR worked till Feb. bonus in Feb.!!! I need my high school diploma or transcripts and can't find them anywhere! My transcripts are with m ...

Nov 01, 2013
I need some opinions about whether or not to try to contact my father who I have not seen in about 30 years. My dad left when I was nine and moved out of state. I think I saw him one time not long after that. The last time I even spoke to him on the phone was right before I graduated high school. He had wrote me letters and sent cards for a few years after he left asking me to come visit, which I never agreed to do. We didn't have a very close relationship even when we lived in the ...

Jan 13, 2014
I would appreciate any advice on how to sell Hummel figurines, etc. My stepfather wants to start clearing out a lot of things in preparation for the future, and in the event I would move in with him at some point. My mother died four years ago, and during her lifetime she bought a lot of this sort of thing, along with the colored glass in yellow, green and blue. I have never sold anything on eBay, and don't know how to go about getting a decent price for these items. ...

Jun 21, 2014
I don't know if I need advice or just want to vent. My husband and I enjoy having close friends over, going out to dinner with them, doing get togethers and other such things. Out of 4 couples, 2 of the couples are so dysfunctional that it makes me crazy. No alcohol is involved here, so we can't even blame that. I don't claim to know what goes on behind closed doors, but when we're all together, it's the women who fly off the handle at their husbands for the stupi ...

Jan 27, 2015
My cat is hiding underneath my neighbor's shrubs and will not come home. He is afraid I will keep him inside so he doesn't trust me anymore. He stayed out all night last night and I finally saw him this morning. I tried coaxing him, bribing him with food, and he just ran away to find a safer hiding spot. He got into a cat fight on Friday and got a small puncture wound. I kept him in on Sunday to keep an eye on the wound and he was not happy about it. That's why he doesn' ...