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Wanting honest opinions

Posted: Jan 9, 2013

I will try not to make this too long. Been married 15 years and 5 years ago my husband starting drinking non-stop, which caused a huge strain on our marriage. My husband would start drinking at 5:00 p.m. EVERY DAY and drink into drunkeness. Before 5:00 p.m. he would be working or else in the bed. He and I never spent time together anymore. We never had relationship issues before this. He has always drank "some" but never to this extent. It progressed probably over a year to become an every day thing. He turned into a complete drunk, embarassing me in front of friends, making me look like the "bad guy" to our children because he was "happy, fun, LOUD daddy" and I was "get your homework done, get your chores done" while daddy was like "Oh, don't worry about it." It was REALLY BAD.

So, I would constantly BEG him to get a handle on his drinking. I would tell him I would leave and his response would be "Well, maybe you should find someone else, we aren't compatible anymore." He also was so drunk once that he actually INTERVIEWED a guest that we had over, trying to see if the guy was an appropriate replacement for him, i.e., wanting me to find someone else. I was so embarassed and the guy was at a loss for words!

I spent every single evening with ZERO adult contact, because even though my husband was there, he was drunk, he acted like a child, slurred his speech, said the same thing over and over, had the radio blaring loud, etc.

I never left for many reasons, both personal, the children and also worrried about the patch of destruction he would be on without me. I KNOW I should have left, but I didn't. Anyway, this man came into our lives and I got along with him great and my husband would ASK me to go "hang out" with the guy. He would WANT me to leave, because he would say I would "nag" him about drinking. I would go and hang out with the guy, who I got along with well and I ended up having an affair. It was sex, but it was an emotional affair as well, I really started caring about the guy. He wanted me to leave my husband and be with him. My husband found out around six months ago and he just quit drinking. He initially told me he understood why I did what I did and begged me to stay with him.

Now, six months later, he throws this affair in my face just about on a daily basis. I was 100% honest with him about what happened and my husband is more worried about the sex aspect (wanting details) rather than the fact that I developed pretty strong feelings for this guy. It makes my husband mad that I won't sit and give explicit sexual details and I don't understand why. I have told him I slept with him and how many times, etc. and he told me today that he loves me and wants us to move on but he will not as long as I am "keeping information from him" talking about the sex (Even down to penis size!)

I don't feel comfortable talking to him about stuff like that. I admit my mistake, I am sorry for it and I can't figure out how more information could make a difference. He said it is because he does not want the guy knowing something he doesn't, but the guy cared about me as well and isn't really thinking that way, I don't think.

So, do I finally leave my husband or do you think this will ever go away? Anyone with any similar experience?

;

Maybe counseling? - I'm sorry for your troubles.

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like you've gone down a rough road the last few years.

I have suggested counseling..... - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
And even scheduled it and he says he doesn't want to go that he doesn't think it will work.

Did he say the counseling would not work before or after - he stopped drinking

[ In Reply To ..]
I know the poster below who has experience with this said share all the gory details no matter what, but I can't help but think that he would use that even more so to throw stuff in your face. I've not been in the situation, though.

I work for counselors part time and, quite frankly, I would say that if he truly wants to make this work between the two of you that counseling, both individually for each of you and as a couple, is an absolute must. Even if he doesn't agree to go, you need to. I think it would be tremendously helpful for you.

As for hubby, counseling for him has to be an absolute must. Both individual and for the two of you as a couple. If he does not agree, then you need to call it a day. He will make this all your fault in the long run, somehow, and he will never stop throwing the affair in your face.

He also needs to attend AA at least once a week, in my opinion. Just because he is not actively drinking does not mean he's "sober." You can be a dry drunk and I think it sounds like he is one.

Both of you really need to sit down and explore why he started drinking so heavily. Are there financial problems, was he having health issues that he didn't want to share... you get my drift.

Good luck. It's a bad situation no matter how you cut it. You really have to be honest with yourself, though, and decide if you really do still love hubby and is he still your "best friend" or has that been irrepairably damaged. You're the only one who can make that determination. I wish you all the best.

counseling - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
Go alone.

Good luck with counseling. Ours was a - huge waste of time and

[ In Reply To ..]
money. Counselor talked nonstop about himself and his wife. Apparently they were perfect. We are still messed up, together, but certainly not any happier than before counseling.

what are you sticking around for? - your freedom is knocking on the door

[ In Reply To ..]
answer it.

I would prefer my family - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't want a divorce, I want my family. He has stopped drinking now and I wish we could get past all of this and move on to how we were before when he was my best friend.

so, you abandon you best friend for an affair - cause he had problems?

[ In Reply To ..]
When the going gets tough, the tough cheat?

I am sorry. I think you need counseling as much or more than he needed AA. He got help, he quit, what did you do to fix the issues you have?

I know I made a mistake - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
But I pleaded with him for FOUR YEARS to stop and he wouldn't. I pleaded with him for FOUR YEARS to get help and he wouldn't. He TOLD me for FOUR YEARS that we were just "different" now and I should find someone else. He was no longer my best friend at that point, he was a person I no longer knew. I definitely know I did wrong, I stated that above.

did you get help in that 4 years? - takes 2

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a feeling there is a lot more to his "just started drinking one day" story than you care to elaborate on. I am certainly not excusing him, but issues lead to problems, and he did not have issues alone, you both did. I just dont think its as easy as turning on and off a light switch. You are my best friend, you are not my best friend, you are now my best friend again. Something fell apart before the drinking.

mistake - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
Mistake. I don't think so. It was a concious choice. You've hurt him like he will never be hurt again. It won't go away. It will fade into the background with help, but it won't "go away". What he did for 4 years has no bearing on you cheating. What if he did this to you? Would you feel it was a mistake? Would you be happy not knowing details? Would you be happy if he didn't want to talk about it? you did it..you owe him.

With that kind of a "best friend", who needs enemies? - Life is too short.

[ In Reply To ..]
I would've left because of the drinking alone.

When the new affair guy came along, who wanted me, and hubs was still drinking and telling me to find someone else, I would've surely done just that.

But, having found someone else, all that third-degree by hubs about the sexual details of the affair pretty much cancels out that he "stopped" drinking. (Which I sincerely doubt. When you're that far gone alcoholically, you don't just hang it up on your own - you need help to do it.)

Everyone walks in their own shoes, but my own personal shoes would be walking out the door, and the note I left behind would say "Three strikes, you're OUT!"

I've been in your position - Know how you feel

[ In Reply To ..]
He drank, I became a co-dependent, my kids suffered. Add to it he got custody of his son. His son wanted it to be him and his dad in apt. together and he wanted me out of the picture. His son went out of state to visit Mom for the summer and announced he wasn't coming back. His Dad said BS, I am the adult and he won 't tell me what he will and will not do, and neither will my ex.

Bottom line, his son came back, they moved into an apt. His son started all the same games with his Dad. He ran away, refused to come back, his ex got custody back and my ex ended up in apt. alone with no wife, no family, just a lonely apt and his booze.

He voluntarily went to a rehab program. I went to counseling with him .

I gave you a history to make my point....the first night in counseling we were told some couples make it work, for others there is just too much that happened and they can't get over it.

Now for my point. Your husband is putting all the blame on you, even though he pushed and encouraged you to be with this guy. You are enabling him to do it by explaining anything to him. You are not at fault. Your husband is still sick and he needs an AA program or an alcohol rehab program.

Tell him it is his choice, he either goes for help and counseling or he can consider you gone. You need to take a stand for yourself, not for him. Your focus is all on him and not on the psychological abuse you have and are continuing to suffer.

When was the last time you took a day and did something nice for yourself?

What best friend? - Mine is sure not my

[ In Reply To ..]
best friend.

Agree with you re. importance of - keeping family together.

[ In Reply To ..]
That said, by doing so you are aware that you will be asked those questions again and again (sounds like your husband is super insecure). Were it me, I'd say something like, "I've told you all I'm going to" each and every time he brings the subject up. Then stand your ground and don't be sucked into thinking you have to pacify him over and over. Change the subject, leave the room, etc. If he dogs you on it even after that, you have choices to make.

I hate to say it, - but...sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds to me like you guys are over. Stop torturing yourselves and your children and move on. He made a huge mistake and you made a huge mistake. He is not going to get over it, even if you give him all the dirty details. If anything that will make it worse. Twenty years from now he will still be thinking about it, if not talking about it. His trust in you is gone, rightfully so or not.

Take a break, if possible. - A few months?

[ In Reply To ..]
Is it possible for you to to go to your separate corners for a while? Maybe one of you can go live with a family member and visit the children, just for a month or six (LOL).

At the end of it, you and your husband may both see more clearly. Sometimes we need to step back and look at the situation objectively. That's impossible to do when you are both in each other's faces every day.

Re: Honest opinion - Just Me

[ In Reply To ..]
Every marriage is different, so no one can tell you what will happen in 20 years and what won't happen. I've had my own experiences in life that will attest to that.

My advice to you is to attend some Al-anon meetings. I am a recovering addict, and a child of an alcoholic. I have attended both NA and Al-Anon meetings, and I believe you would benefit greatly even now that he is sober. It's never easy to be on either side of the fence, but I have learned so much in my meeting times that I am very glad I chose to go.

One lady in particular stands out from my Al-Anon meetings, and her husband was very similar to yours. She never missed a meeting, and he never got sober or made a meeting that I know of. She too had some tough choices to make because he refused to get sober. I will say this, she got a lot of good advice through the meetings from people on "both sides of the fence", those that were alcoholics and those that were family of alcoholics.

Attend some meetings in your area, find someone you would be comfortable talking to, and pour your heart out. As for your husband and his sobriety, my experience from NA tells me that there is something he hasn't dealt with in the steps taken to get sober. It's not just stopping the alcohol that makes you sober. It's learning to deal with the things that made you drink or use drugs in the first place that make you a sober person. It's learning to deal and move on in order to continue your sobriety. He needs to attend meetings, EVEN if he is sober, and you need to attend meetings, so that you can both move on in your relationship.

My heart goes out to you because I know how selfish an addict or alcoholic is.... I know because I have stood on both sides of the fence, first being a child of an alcoholic and then being an addict. I know how selfish I was, but now I also know what triggered my addiction and I know how to deal with the things that I tried to bury before I got help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. :)

I think he wanted out - justathought

[ In Reply To ..]
His behavior suggests that he wanted out of the relationship 5 years ago and that the drinking was either to drive you away or cope with his negative feelings or inability to tell you he wanted out for whatever reason or all/some of the above. You had an affair which gave him the reason he needed to end the relationship and probably why he encouraged you to have an affair. in the first place. Now, he is sober. And hounding you about your affair. I agree with the poster who says telling him would not help. He doesn't want the details, he wants OUT. He is sober and ready to move on with his life. What he did was terrible, and what you did was not smart, but I understand that you probably felt very unloved and were desperate for attention. For the sake of your kids you should probably give counseling a try, but i think the writing is on the wall. End your relationship and be as kind to yourselves as you can for the sake of your kids who did not ask to be dragged into such a mess.

He didn't want out, nor does he now.... - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
He thought he could do what he wanted and I would never leave. When he found out about the affair he quit drinking immediately and begged me not to leave him. Even now, I have suggested separation and he begs me not to. I have told him that I would rather separate than to keep talking about this on a non-stop basis and he tells me I am wrong not to try to "work it out" which I am trying to do.

Dang, woman tell him you will leave if he does not - P

[ In Reply To ..]
stop talking about the affair and mean it. I can speak from a lot of experience, have many years behind me and there is no way you should stand around and let the grass grow under your feet. Life will pass you by, you may not think it but believe me when I say all of a sudden you are in your 60s and scratching your head as to where the years went. There is no way, and I mean no way that I will put up with a husband because of children. Your children will grow up and leave 1 day, do you understand? They will not stay with mother just because and then where will you be? I am telling you, tell him stop about the affair or it is totally over and mean it. Get some backbone.

Everyone has a backbone - but not everyone uses it!

[ In Reply To ..]
Good advice, btw.

leaving - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
He deserves answers. You deserve specific questions. You cheated. It won't just go away. He wants and deserved answers. Our counselor said I had to answer him. He had to ask specific questions, couldn't be hostile, and once asked - not to be brought up again. Of course you want it to go away - very unpleasant and embarassing. But he needs and deserves the answers. Admittikng it was the first part. This will heal if you two want it to, might even help you learn to communicate. But in the end, this happend because of your character flaw. You admitted it, but you blame him. He is not to blame. Your broken relationship is both your fault. The affair was all your doing. You both need marriage counseling - not a finger pointing session. IT always takes two to destroy a relationship. It can be repaired if you are willing to do the work, and since you had the affair, you have more work to do than he does - you have to regain his trust.

she might have some emotional issues but not - a character flaw. SM

[ In Reply To ..]
Being emotionally abused by an alcoholic can cause major self esteem issues. I don't agree with what you are saying to her. IMO, get counseling for yourself, be honest, and then make life decisions with a clear understanding of your marriage and what went wrong. Take care of yourself, it sounds as though you are still taking an emotional beating. :)

To OP - Just Me

[ In Reply To ..]
He is manipulating you and making you feel as though you "owe" it to him to give him all the gory details. You don't have to do this, and he needs to realize that he's not well in his mind. He might be sober, but he is what AA calls a "dry drunk". He's sober (dry), but totally still in the same mental position he was in when he was drinking, and he will be miserable until he learns that he needs to deal with whatever problems started him drinking in order to be healthy and sober. Sobriety means nothing if you aren't happy, and eventually if he continues on this path of destruction in his mind, he will start drinking again, probably worse than before. He definitely won't stay "sober" long if he continues to dwell on this or whatever else he chooses to make his "mission" to "work out". He needs AA meetings and a 12-step program so he can celebrate life and sobriety instead of making his loved ones feel like they are responsible for his problems.

I have a different perspective here... - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
Evidently, nobody replying to you has had real experience with infidelity. It is CRUCIAL to be an open book and give FULL disclosure of any and all details that your partner asks for, as often, and for as long as they need it. That is, if you truly want to work it out. He cannot get past it if he doesn't feel like he knows every detail. I admit this doesn't make sense, and flies in the face of logic, and I would have cried "ridiculous!" had I not been through it myself, and I can tell you, it really is an absolute must.

Google "surviving infidelity" and you'll find a website that is a fantastic resource to anyone going through infidelity, both for the betrayer and the betrayed. If you and your husband truly want to make your marriage work, you can find the tools there. It's a forum that you have to register for, it's free, and there are tons of people willing to help and offer their advice from their own experiences, and just to be able to talk to people who understand what you're going through (from both perspectives) is HUGE.

Being cynical - I wonder how long it will be

[ In Reply To ..]
before husband goes back to drinking. Then the cycle repeats itself.

Well, if that happens... - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
Then the onus will be on him to fix his issue and deal with the underlying cause. As long as she is working on her own problems, she's doing all she can to save the marriage if that's what she wants.

being cynical - Just Me

[ In Reply To ..]
It won't be long before he goes back to drinking because he's a "dry drunk". He's sober, but he is still unhappy, and until he deals with whatever his triggers are and takes the steps to surviving those triggers, he will never be happy in his sobriety. He will simply be an unpleasant, unhappy, and miserable person who hasn't had any alcohol. Plain and simple. I've been through NA and the 12-step program, and it is crucial that he has the support he needs and the tools he needs to become sober and really realize what that means. It doesn't just mean not drinking.

same perspective - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
I wish I had seen your post before my multiposts. I could have just added a huge DITTO. DITTO. DITTO.

leave or not.... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
First and foremost, he's an alcoholic and even someone who is not drinking is in recovery, meaning they're never not an alcoholic and you have to accept that he always will have the potential to go back to drinking like this again and most do. Fidelity aside, are you up for dealing with the fact that he will always have this propensity??

He needs a good dose of Tough Love - ksw

[ In Reply To ..]
But you have to have the backbone to withstand his objections.

BTDT - Happy now

[ In Reply To ..]
When I had my friend with benefit affair and it came out - our marriage counselor said he deserved to have all his questions answered - period. He had to ask me specific questions, how tall is he, is he married, does he have children.. instead of "tell me about Joel". Not fun, but thems the rules (for the counselor we chose to work with)

As for leaving your husband - you have to decide that for yourself. Will it ever go away? Who knows. What is interesting is neither of you seem to want to speak about what is really wrong - and two are always at fault. I guess you two have to decide if you two are worth it or not? You have children - what is best for them?

I agree about the counseling - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
He needs support from a 12 step group and you need support of other people who have had a drunk partner. You may be holding onto some guilt, and just sharing the story will get validation and understanding from people who have been in similar situations. Also, you may need to get out some justifiable anger in a safe setting.

Your husband says he understands why you cheated, but men are funny about the whole sex and competitiveness of other men. I would get a third party involved to talk this over with, because he may be obsessing about minor details because he feels inadequate and does not want to face the real issue. The inadequacy may have driven him to drink in the first place and focusing on minor issues like penis size will prevent him from going deeper into his own faults that he can't live with.

Good luck to you.

What about the kids? - dino

[ In Reply To ..]
All the discussion seems to focus on you two. You both made huge mistakes. Do you really think your kids can't hear all this? There is also a program called ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. What you hear in these meetings is enough to make you cry. Sure, you didn't drink so to say but you did do something to replace their dad in their life. So attend a few of these meetings, you don't have to "share" - just listen to what you both are doing with the fighting and the dysfunction. Perhaps it will open your eyes as to who is the real victim here. Try it, it's free!

Totally agree dino - Just Me

[ In Reply To ..]
I totally agree with you. They both need to attend 12-step program meetings. In my small community, Al-Anon, AA, and NA meetings were often combined, and surprisingly it was quite helpful for everyone involved.

I agree with what you said about "just go and listen, you don't have to share." I'm a recovering addict, and when I attended my first several meetings, I just sat and listened. You'd be surprised at what you can learn for your own situation by listening to others and their situations.

A 12-step program can work for almost any problem you face in your life, not just addiction or alcoholism. You can apply it to a lot of aspects, and I believe it would work for both her and him with regard to the infidelity as well. Someone has to take the first step though, if they truly want to save the marriage and do what's best for the kids at the same time...

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http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/rush-limbaugh-democrats-demonizing-sex-comments/story?id=15834374#.T1GHB_UyI7U I always try to listen to sides before I make a judgment, but when there is a old man who has gotten scripts to get his pencil to go upright on top of a boatload of painkillers, etc., I find his rheortic beyond inapprorpiate. Before you flame on me, I listen to both sides, and I won't attack anything that has a bit of logic. ...

Jan 03, 2012
I need a serious opinion. We have friends who have 2 cats, full-breed, who they have had daily bonding with for a good 2 years. Said friends are going on a 3-month trip out of the country and are boarding the cats here in the states. The one cat (before owners have even left) is showing signs of something isn't right--getting out of the house and not duly returning home, peeing smack dab on top of the bed.). These cats are brother and sister, and will be somewh ...

Nov 18, 2009
We had a black lab puppy show up at our house about 12 days ago. I have drove around looking for signs for a missing dog (small community) and nothing. I have been feeding this little angel because I CANNOT starve a dog no matter who it might belong to. It had a collar on (no tags) but the collar was so tight on his neck that I waited but finally changed it out. I have come to find out that a 4th grader on my kids bus says the dog is his. I told the kiddos to tell him th ...

Jan 24, 2011
I am currently looking into returning to school like so many other MTs out there. There are programs where you can get an Associates Degree in Healthcare Management (basically medical records), which I am really not interested in because, as I see it, most hospitals are trying to cut down their medical records departments to as slim of staff as possible, plus with the integration of EMR, I just do not see this being a lucrative field. IF, big big IF here, I were to enter into this pr ...

Jul 29, 2011
I live in a semidetached neighborhood and the neighbors on one side constantly burn a fire pit with wood pallets and whatever in it all the time at least 4 to 5 times a week. Well our cars next door are covered with ashes from their fire pit and we have new cars. We have talked to them about this but it does not good. Any sugestions. It isnt even worth washing these cars anymore and also you need to keep your windows closed because all the smoke comes in the house. ...

Mar 06, 2010
Need carpet that will wear well and stand up to cats (with claws), hairballs, etc. We looked at nylon carpet, but that is too pricey. They suggested polyesther but the reviews on Google are not encouraging. Our hallway is 20 feet x 4 feet and takes a lot of traffic, and we also need to replace the carpeting in the family room and bedrooms. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks ...

Apr 12, 2010
I am glad someone finally wrote a senator about this. What do you all think? http://www.congress.org/congressorg/bio/userletter/?letter_id=5003700381&content_dir=congressorg ...

Apr 21, 2010
If you were having a Grill-Out, what would you serve? The main course will be Hamburgers, Brat's, and Mett's with all the fixins. I am drawing a blank...... Right now Ive got Potato Salad, Pasta Salad and Deviled Egg's. Dessert will be Cake and Icecream.Having a large party this weekend for son's First Communion, and we're doing a Grill out. 42 People have RSVP. ...