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Regarding In-Laws, making sure you Do Not become that MIL.

Posted: Oct 28, 2010

I have been very careful with my daughter and her husband. I do not pry and do not give advice unless I am asked. I am careful to say, "Do you think..." or "I wonder....." Sometimes my daughter comes to me with their problems and I am quick to say, "You guys need to discuss this, or maybe "This is none of my business," or "I should not be commenting on this." This has served me well and my daughter and I are very close even though she is busy with small children and we do not spend as much time together as we used to.

On the other hand, my SIL is very aloof. When I ask my daughter about it, she says he absolutely hates it when his parents come to visit. They stay the weekend, and he will have their bags packed and ready to go by noon on Sunday, saying he has things to do. There are always arguments between he and his mother and she ends up crying and always makes a scene at family functions. He is embarrassed by his mother and does not want her around any other friend and family. He actually wanted to elope instead of having a wedding because he was afraid of his mother's behavior. My daughter says he actually feels guilty for avoiding his parents but he can't help it. At the same time, he probably feels guilty for having a good time with us when he can not do that with his own parents. We are close enough that we do not spend the night, but it seems that he can't wait for us to leave. He is not rude or anything, just distant. I always celebrate his birthday at my house because it is December 24 and everyone is busy with the holidays. I make him a birthday cake and give him gifts wrapped in birthday paper. I also occasionally take him homemade baked bread when I visit, which he loves. However, this has not resulted in him really warming up to us any.

Granted, he is not use to a close family like my daughter and I are so he may not see anything wrong. Any ideas on how I can avoid being that MIL that every one hates? He has never said that he has a specific problem with me, it's just a feeling.

;

I am not a MIL yet, but it sounds to me that - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
you are handling everything the right way. You don't sound pushy and don't seem to be imposing on him. I would say keep on with what you are doing.

In-laws and boundaries... - Stacie

[ In Reply To ..]
The fact that you are already self-aware enough to set boundaries with your daughter's marriage sounds to me like you are a respectful and well-balanced person. The MILs who DON'T have that awareness or sense of knowing their place are the dangerous ones!

As far as your SIL seeming distant when you visit, perhaps this is just his personality and has nothing to do with you. If you feel comfortable in approaching your daughter (not your SIL), perhaps you could ask her to elaborate on his behavior, explaining your concerns and reasons for asking. It's dangerous to speculate or guess why people act the way they do, and perhaps his behavior is just who he is and does not have anything to do with you whatsoever. My husband is the same way with my parents and my whole family, and perhaps they've wondered the same thing as you over the years. However, he is actually very fond of everyone but is just an anti-social type who is very uncomfortable in group settings of any sort, even gatherings with his own family! It's just a quirk of his and is no reflection on anyone else.

You give good advice. - DIL

[ In Reply To ..]
My sons are getting near marrying age, and they both have long-time girlfriends. I'm practicing "noninvasive MIL" skills now before they marry. I try not to offer opinions, and even when asked, I try to not to hammer my own opinions into a discussion. Rather, I try tossing out questions which hopefully will help my son and their girlfriends make their own decisions.

My own mother is the interfering one. She also has been that way, and very controlling, as well. We have never had a close relationship. I often say that my husband has a horrible mother-in-law. He really does. Thank goodness we agree on that point! We've been married for 25 years, and we've often had to work together to keep my mother from intruding where she is not welcome. Because of her interfering and controlling ways, she's a lonely person with few friends. It's a sad situation. I try to include her in our family, but I have to insist on boundaries, otherwise, her negativity ruins everything. I refuse to be that way!

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