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In-laws and Christmas.
Posted: Oct 24, 2011
We go to my daughter' house for Christmas every other year, and they come here every other year. I have 2 grandchildren. My daughters' mother-in-law comes to my daughter's house every other year, and goes to other family the next year when they come to my house. This mother-in-law does not come to my house because she "does not feel comfortable" here. No other reason given. My daughter tells me it is because she is very competitive and has other issues of her own. She is quite rude to me when I go for Thanksgiving or the childrens' birthdays, but I ignore it. Daughter and husband insist to her that they WILL come to my house every other year with or without her. They do so without her.
Now, my daughter tells me that her mother-in-law is telling her son (my daughter's husband) that she would prefer that my husband and I not be at the kids' house on the years that she comes. He told her that was not going to happen, but asked her why. Again, she is not "comfortable" around us, but one thing she did bring up was that they have 18 grandchildren. She really only has 3, and the rest are step-grandchildren. She has 2 sons. They spend $50 per grandchild and do not buy their children anything at all for Christmas.
We have 2 daughters and only these 2 grandchildren right now. I spend about $200 per person at Christmas on my immediate family, daughter and son-in-law, other daughter, and the 2 grandchildren. Before their marriage and the grandchildren, i spent $300 on my daughters. I know it is excessive, but I have it to give and they are always so generous to me all year, Christmas, Mother's Day, Birthday, etc.
Anyway, this makes the mother-in-law feel bad and she does not want us there during "her time" with the children. Her son asked her if she would prefer that we gave the children their gifts at another time. She said no, and it was not because she would still know how much I gave to them, the problem is the kids know how much I give to them compared to how much she gives to them. This is their rule and their financial arrangement. Does this obligate me not to give so much to my children or grandchildren - because she says so? I certainly do not feel obligated to stay home because she is going to be there. She stays for almost a week, and I visit for the day. They have told her that we are invited and they are invited and they can not ask one set of parents to stay away, which I would never expect them to do. She understands this I guess, but is insisting that I not spend so much on them even if she does not actually see it.
How would you handle this?
;
I'd do whatever I wanted - Ayn
[ In Reply To ..]It sounds as if your daughter and son-in-law do not have a problem with your attendance or your gift-giving practices, and those are the only 2 you need to worry about IMO. If they are okay with everything, I say don't worry about it. IMO, the other grandma has no say in how much you spend or what you spend it on.
Just as an aside though -- IMO, step-grandchildren are just as important as anyone else and just as much a part of their family -- she DOES have 18 grandchildren, not 3 grandchildren and 15 step, and kudos to her for treating them all equally.
Ayn - to clarify - step kids
[ In Reply To ..]I did not mean to say that those children are not important, not at all. It's just that she has only met the children, and some of the grandchildren. Other grandchildren and great grandchildren she has never met, so it's not like they are "part of the family" actually. They have never gotten together with them during the holidays.
I may be selfish, but I do not think I would want to lessen what I give to my children and grandchildren for great grandchildren and some grandchildren of my husband's that I have never even met. I know that sounds harsh, and maybe if I were in that situation I would feel different.
I think she tried to tell the kids to spend Christmas with me one year, and with her (only) the next. When that did not work, she asked them to have me stop spending so much. I don't know what is the right thing to do, and I don't feel good about this either way.
Christmas - cc
[ In Reply To ..]I don't see where the problem is here. Your son-in-law is on your side and sticking up for you. If the mother-in-law does not want to come to your house it is her problem. I would not change anything you are doing. The only think I would like to mention is that I hope your grandchildren treat both grandmas the same even though you are giving more. If they get more excited about your gift maybe the mom-in-law senses it.
I would ignore it completely and do - nothing
[ In Reply To ..]You are borrowing other people's problems. Keep it simple, stay true to yourself and stop talking to your daughter about what goes on between her, her husband and her MIL. You are way too involved in her life.
Christmas - MT
[ In Reply To ..]I can see her side of it as far as being uncomfortable because you spend so much; however, they offered to have the kids open their gifts separately and she declined stating that she still "knows" what you spend on them. That's her problem, not yours. If you like to spend that kind of money on your grandchildren if you have it, that's your perogative and yours only. This is none of her business and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to give less because she doesn't like it. Your grandchildren are only little once. They will only have 12 christmases or so before it stops being a big deal so she will just have to endure it for those very few years. You would not only be ripping your grandkids off by apeasing her, but you would also be ripping yourself off from the feeling that you get by giving what you do. The scrooge is just going to have to learn to deal with it.
I am in the same position...I am the "kid"..sm - jj
[ In Reply To ..]My MIL makes a big deal every year that she has 13 grandchildren by 5 children and barely has enough money to get by much less spend alot on Christmas. My parents are doing well, retired, 2 adult children giving them 5 grandchildren. They are able to spend close to $200 per me and my sister and our husbands and our children and it doesn't break their bank. My MIL is so jealous of that and makes a big deal to my kids (makes me FURIOUS) saying "I'm so sorry I couldn't buy you more like your other grandparents, I hope you still love me." WHatever!! I get so tired of hearing her belly ache about not having enough money to do anything then she says this kind of thing to them, then comes to me and says things like "well I couldn't buy them what your mom and dad can, I just can't afford that". I try to be civil and say the kids enjoy the time with the family and Christmas is not about the gifts. We try to instill that in our kids and they enjoy playing with their cousins that they only get to see 2-3 times per year. The gifts are just a side fun time and they say their thank yous and bag them up immediately to go home (we have never allowed them to open their boxes while there...too many kids to get presents mixed up).
I really wish everyone would go back to the way I remember it. Presents were fun, but I don't remember what I got from anybody, but I do remember the times spent with family members. That's what I still talk about to this day and I want my kids to remember that.
Your daughter's MIL is JEALOUS, that's all it is and with her saying she doesn't want you there the 1 day and she is there the whole week, she is trying to take away your time from your daughter and grandkids and that's not right either.
I know where you are sitting and I just hope you don't let her spoil your Christmas!!! The grandkids are only young once. It could all slip away in a heartbeat (lost my sister when she was a teenager), don't ever let someone like her make you feel bad or guilty for what you are doing.
I have the same issue, but it is reversed. It is - my mother that has
[ In Reply To ..]usually spent a lot less than my MIL. She would say the same things to my kids because my kids did notice the difference. I try to instill in them the same types of values about Christmas, but they are still kids and at 3 and 4, they are just thinking about toys. My mom will say to me, I'm sorry I just can't spend like they do. I think absolutely nothing of it because it is my mother. There is no jealousness there on her part. It is just the truth. She wished she could have, but she couldn't.
My MIL has finally cut it down, and we are glad. It was absolutely crazy spending 200 on each child and then us also. Santa was having a hard time competing every year.
I just think that - sm
[ In Reply To ..]If the shoe were on the other foot, would you feel uncomfortable?
Kids are very "spoiled" these days and feel "entitled," and I think (sorry) that maybe you are contributing to that?
Do these kids need that much? Do you feel better when you out-do your daughters in-laws? I almost get a tone in your post that "you spend because it makes you feel good" and not what is good for the children.
I personally feel it is putting these kids in a place where they might feel uncomfortable accepting such gifts from you when they dont from the other grandparents.
Additionally, I wonder if you are teaching them what Christmas is really about.
If you had compassion and empathy, you might take the excess money and put it in a bank account for the grandchildren for when they reach an age of majority or for a college fund, etc.
I do not think I could stand it if I knew that my doings were making someone else that uncomfortable that they could not enjoy their holiday also.
Tis the season...
But if spending that feels right for her it's not our place to condone that. - mt
[ In Reply To ..]Maybe you would feel uncomfortable and maybe you think they are teaching the children the wrong thing, but I don't see it that way. Yes, I will agree that some children are given a lot of things and feel they are entitled, but what's wrong with one time a year spoiling the kids, especially if she doesn't have to stress about spending that kind of money. I think it's great she can...now if she was stressing about the money, then there would be a problem.
I set a budget for my kids for Christmas, but my husband and I always go over, not because my kids are entitled to the extra presents, but when my husband and I go shopping for them we have a fun time shopping for them and to see their reactions to getting more than they asked for some Christmases is priceless. Christmas is supposed to be FUN!!! Maybe she just has fun shopping for them and seeing their faces light up when they open something she took time and effort to pick out for them. The MIL gets the same reaction from those kids, just about can guarantee that!!
I love these 2 posts because - sm
[ In Reply To ..]You really get a view from both sides.
Just like we MTs complain about how much money the MTSOs make and how little we make, and how the imbalance is so unfair.
I just hope presents dont over-shadow the true meaning.
Both points of view are right, but who is to say what is the right amount? - What do you spend?
[ In Reply To ..]I spend that on my kids and believe me, it does not go far. Who is to say what is the right amount?
What do you spend. Do you want someone else to instruct you that it is too much or too little?
Good Alternative.... - alias
[ In Reply To ..]seeing as how some of you think that someone is giving too much and some of you think that it is not too much and is up to the individual to decide....well, like everything else, why don't we give the question over to the government and they can dictate to us just how much we should be spending on our families for Christmas?! Same difference as one gramma telling the other gramma what she can or should and should not spend. mull that over before you become critical of what someone else should do. How would you like someone telling you??
The shoe is on the other foot for me. My grandchildren's - wannie
[ In Reply To ..]other set of grandparents can and do spend much more on them than I can afford to. It's not their fault that I can't afford as much, so I would see no reason whatsoever for them to spend less to meet my capabilities of spending. Does it make me uncomfortable? Somewhat. Should they stop because it makes me uncomfortable? Absolutely not!
What I would do.... - alias
[ In Reply To ..]totally ignore it. Go as you have been going...do as you have been doing. It is not her holiday to "dictate." The kids should be smart enough and savvy enough to understand why one person gives either more or less than the other...besides, as has always been said in the past...it is not the gift or size of the gift that counts, it is the thought that counts. If she is feeling guilty about not giving as much as you give, that is her problem and not yours. Don't let her make you feel guilty just because she does. that's my opinion.
My MIL and mom are very friendly with each - other, but I think it would
[ In Reply To ..]have been a problem for us to have Christmas together back when there was a big difference in what they spent. Don't get me wrong, my mother has always been glad that I have in-laws that buy for my children and do for us, but as far as a holiday where she was made to feel less, I think it would be very had for her. I would not even think about doing that to her.
As far as her stepgrandkids, that actually speaks volumes about what kind of person she is. I come from a blended family where I am the only child together, and my siblings always had the same amount under the tree, even though they had another Christmas waiting. Even though she may not have met some of them, sometimes you do things out of respect for your spouse, who I would assume is a contributor. Things like that sound more like the spirit of giving, not how much your giving.
*sigh* christmas isn't about the gifts - multiple kids and steps
[ In Reply To ..]Just 2 things. First of all, the holidays, birthdays, etc... isn't "her" time... its family time. You have a routine/tradition... stick to it as long as your daughter and son-in-law extend the invites and vice versa.
Second thing... people seem to have forgotten what Christmas is all about. It isn't how much money is spent, its how the TIME is spent. Its family.
Just a suggestion. When I married and we blended our families, it was a struggle. so many more kids, in-laws, out-laws, etc :) I didn't know what to do and certainly didn't have the money and then it hit me...
we had the perfect opportunity to make such memories and spend so little money.
When everyone gathered at the "holiday" house, whether ours or aunt sue, or grandma... didn't matter, everyone brought extra fixings for the holiday meal.
Everyone got involved, even the kids, and then we made arrangements to deliver our meals to the local women's shelter, the salvation army soup kitchen, and even the hospitality house at the hospital to bring Christmas dinner to those that couldn't be with their families.
Had no idea it would carry on as long as it has and we dont spend a PENNY on gifts for each other anymore.
Here we are 15 years later and the whole family, old and young, are talking about what we are going to make this year for our Christmas dinners.
Families and Holidays - Silly Girl
[ In Reply To ..]Can I come to your house for Christmas?? :) I have often wished every year of going to my mom's house for the holidays and spend time cooking, baking, making ornaments and spending time with cousins and family I don't get to see very often...BUT, my parents don't want anything out of place at their house, don't want more than my son and I there, no noise, no people wandering around and would rather watch TV all day long. It's very sad and I would love to figure out how to change that because as another poster said - you won't remember the gifts and who they came from but you will always remember the time spent with others and that's something i'd like to pass on to my son who is already 10!
Start your own traditions.... - alias
[ In Reply To ..]have Christmas at your house then, and start having the type of Christmas you would like to pass on to your son. Why does it have to be at your mom's??
We did that!! - ERMT
[ In Reply To ..]Our Christmas day used to be crazy...racing from this house to that house, trying to please everyone. Now, we go Christmas Eve at the in-laws and Christmas day is our day as a family. My family lives pretty far away, so we see them rarely, but even if they lived close by, Christmas day would be OUR day. We have already established some ERMT family traditions and our girls really look forward to those. It will be interesting to see if our girls carry those on to their own families.
*sigh* christmas isn't about the gifts - multiple kids and steps
[ In Reply To ..]Would love to have extras! Wherever the mob ends up is one big crazy, noisy, fun mess for sure. As for making ornaments... we do that too.
Started buying christmas themed candy molds and plaster of paris. I prepare a variety of different ornaments in the molds days in advance so they are sure to be ready to paint.
Adults take turns sitting at the table with little ones to supervise glitter and paint and sometimes the adults will get into it too. Its fun and inexpensive too.
just a tip.. learned the hard way that the unless you have a really good dremmel and tiny tip, making the holes to string the ornaments can be pretty tricky. plaster will break so might want to try a few practice pieces until you get your technique down. LOL
By the way - multiple kids and steps
[ In Reply To ..]forgot to say.... start inviting your parents to your home... that way you can have your fun and they can go home when they get tired of the noise. I'm willing to bet tho that when you get a few people involved in this, you will find them hanging around a little bit longer and enjoying it just as much as anyone else.
this kind of jumps out - ...
[ In Reply To ..]Regarding the 18 grandchildren, I can't help but notice that you remark: "she really only has 3, and the rest are step-grandchildren".
Ouch. So the other 15 are not real grandchildren?
Would you honor your own daughter that way if she were to acquire some stepkids?
Again. Ouch.
Reply to kinda jumps out. - Honestly
[ In Reply To ..]I guess I would have to say if my daughter acquired 18 step children, I would feel the same way. If I do not know these children, have never met them, they already have grandparents, and they do not know me, why would I want to reduce giving to my existing grandchilren, who I have had a relationship with and holiday traditions all of their lives, because these other children exist? As I said, that may sound harsh but I will have to stand by that sentiment. I certainly would hold no ill-will toward them at all; quite the contrary actually, but I would not feel responsible for giving to them, less to my own grandchildren, and absolutely nothing to my children. To do so would just not make sense to me. Again, I am not saying these children are not important, but I am quite sure all of them have another set of grandparents as well who give to them, which would mean they would end up getting more than grandchildren. I don't care to know about that, as I do not feel any responsibility for them. Some of them are grown. There are 18 under the age of 18, soon to be 20. The rest are older than 18, which I think is about 6.
My intention has never been to make anyone feel uncomfortable. What I spend may be a little more than some, but certainly perhaps less than some as well. After discussing this with my husband, we decided to cut back to $150 per grandchild because we will do that in the future anyway when my other daughter gets married and has children, and they may as well get used to that now. I am not sure this will make their other grandmother feel any better, but I will not have my gift giving dictated by what she feels comfortable with. I do think that is a little unreasonable.
Jumps out - It does make sense - too many kids!
[ In Reply To ..]Not doing anything any different you see because the grandma is only giving to grandchildren and great-grandchildren under 18. Does that make the older grandchildren less important, NO. You just have to cut it off somewhere.
Sorry to say, but if I remarried and DH had a total of 26 grandchildren and great-grandchildren, I certainly would not feel responsible to provide gifts to all of them. He may certainly do what he has always done; however, I would continue to give to my grandchild as I always have as well.
perhaps your other daughter will marry a man with children already - ...
[ In Reply To ..]and this will save you some money.
I completely agree that your gift-giving should be dictated by nothing other than your ability and willingness.
That said, your willingness seems to have more to do with "blood relations".
With regard to the possibility of having your own "step" grandchildren, you ask: "why would I want to reduce giving to my existing grandchilren... because these other children exist?"
My answer to you would be: Because these children would be members of your family. And don't be so sure that stepkids come with sets of grandparents.
Your response is a hypothetical situatoin that does not exist. - Nana
[ In Reply To ..]I am sorry we were speaking of grandchildren. However, even if my daughter did marry a man with 18 children; no, I would not feel responsible for giving gifts to them.
The actual scenario at hand was that I said I personally would not feel responsible for buying for 26 grandcildren and great-grandchildren whom I have never met, and who have not been part of my life or family. I also have quite a few nieces and nephews. They are legal blood relatives. I do not buy them Christmas presents either. Not because I do not consider them part of my family, they are.
I will not stop buying gifts for my 2 children and 2 grandchildren, or spending what I do on them if I remarried someone with all of those children and great-grandchildren. I already have holiday traditions, and they have theirs. Do you think these grown grandchildren would buy gifts for me? No, and I certainly do not expect them to. They are not "part of my family." I do not know them and have never met them. We may be related by marriage, and I think that is wonderful and if the situation even existed, I would like to meet them. I still would not feel obligated as far as gift giving, and I would not expect them to.
To each his own. Enough said.
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