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Is it rude to ask someone for a recipe

Posted: May 25, 2013

Last year we were sent a jar of the most delicious strawberry preserves from my BIL's girlfriend (her mother made it). It was the most fantastic preserves I have ever had since I was a little girl and my mom made them. I told her how much we enjoyed them and how it brought back so many warm memories of my moms homemade jam and told her to thank her mother and let her know.

About a month ago I asked my BIL if he would ask his girlfriend if we could get the recipe as we are growing some strawberries and I'd love to make my own preserves this year. He just went "oh" turned to his girlfriend and in a hesitant voice said, "hey ___ do you think your mom would give my SIL the recipe for the jam or is that a secret recipe". I felt horrible that I asked something inappropriate and am wondering what your feelings are about asking for recipes.

Personally I've never understood the deal about "secret recipes" (but that is just me). We have a family recipe passed down from my grandmother we make every holiday for a jello salad using cream cheese and crushed pineapple. Growing up my mom always said this is a secret recipe, don't ever tell anyone about it. I always thought why? If we enjoy it so much let other people make it and enjoy it too. I just never understood that. If anyone wants that recipe I'll be happy to post (sorry mom) :-)

Anyway...just wondering if's I've made a mistake by asking for a recipe. Since I have not received it yet I'm assuming it is a secret recipe.

;

no - not rude to ask

[ In Reply To ..]
if they don't want to give it to you, they won't, but that does not mean you were rude to ask. It's actually a compliment. Stop worrying about this now.

Not rude - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I definitely do not think it is rude to ask, and I would find it flattering for someone to ask for a recipe.

Years ago my mom asked her BIL for the recipe to his home-made hotdog sauce he brought to a family cookout. He bluntly told her no, it was a secret recipe. This hurt my mom's feelings, and she still to this day doesn't understand why someone would be somewhat rude and not share a recipe with a family member. Some people. Oh well.

Not rude - Old Pro

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think it is rude to ask, not at all, but some people are just possessive about their recipes. I have some friends who cook like Julia Child (I am sadly not in that category) and they prefer to keep some of their recipes private. I have always thought that if you had a good thing, share it, but I also respect that others feel differently. Your mom should not be hurt--some cooks are just funny that way. I am sure the BIL would have said the same thing to anyone.

I have a brother who thinks he a chef and all lhis recipes are secret - and he's an awful cook

[ In Reply To ..]
He cannot cook at all but thinks he's a great cook. Tells us his recipes are secret. We're like go ahead and keep it. LOL

LOL-nm - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xxxxx

men who cook - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I am from the old school. Men should not cook. I don't care if he is a class A chef or whatever. They should not cook.

So what you're saying is - anon2

[ In Reply To ..]
A man who lives by himself should either starve or eat out? Not learn to fend for himself and make his own dinner?? Or how about this, what if his wife dies? What does he do then? Feed his kids McDonald's until he can quickly find a replacement wife?

Are you a guy - or a girl?

[ In Reply To ..]
Either way, that's just stupid and silly. If a man wants to cook, who are you to say he shouldn't? My husband loves to cook. He'll stay in the kitchen for hours on end. Some of our greatest chefs in the world (in fact, MOST of the greatest chefs) are men.

If you're a guy and you don't want to cook, then don't. But don't expect someone else to just because you think men shouldn't cook.

If you're a woman and think men shouldn't cook, then you better not marry someone who loves to cook, because you'll stifle him.

men who cook - Old Pro

[ In Reply To ..]
Of course, you realize that most of the five-star chefs in the world are men? Julia Child was an exception.

I am Still trying to decide - If OP is a girl or guy

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm trying to determine if the OP is a guy who is a male pig type who thinks it's women's work, or if it's a girl who thinks guys are not fit to cook.

My hubby is the best cook in the world, and he is quite fit to cook and is not feminine.

I'm the OP. I'm a girl - I don't understand your post

[ In Reply To ..]
I asked about my BIL's girlfriend's strawberry preserve recipe. I mentioned I was a little girl (my mom really did make the best preserves).

I'm not understanding why you would think I'm a male pig. I made no mention of women's work or guys or girls cooking. I didn't say anything about cooking in my post, I just asked if it was rude to ask for a recipe for some jam.

Not exactly, OP, Anon up there - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm talking about the anon up there who said this: "I am from the old school. Men should not cook. I don't care if he is a class A chef or whatever. They should not cook."

Poster doesn't say if she's a female or a male.

And I wish everyone would stop using anon as their name. Use something else.

Men don't cook? Please do not tell my husband - because we would starve otherwise

[ In Reply To ..]
I cannot believe the statement about men not cooking. My husband is the chief cook around here and I would never get in the kitchen with him around and make a fool out of myself. He knows how to use herbs, spices and his food is beyond belief. I use salt and pepper- shhh, don't let him know! I am pampered by his chef-ness and I love it.

Please do not tell your husband - Old Pro

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow, he sounds like a gem! Does he have a brother who likes older women? (Just kidding.)

Well, his brothers are all married but funny - you would say older

[ In Reply To ..]
women. My husband is 10 years younger than me and the best husband ever (when compared to the others!) I should be quiet now.

I am still trying to find out - If person who made that statement

[ In Reply To ..]
Is it a girl who thinks men shouldn't cook, or is it a guy? Whoever it is, that's dumb. My hubby LOVES to cook and I do not argue with that! I'm the one who started the creamy grits post, by the way. It's his first try at grits. The general consensus is that we should use regular grits.

Out of curiosity - anon2

[ In Reply To ..]
Would you be more willing to give a pass to that bizarre commentary if it was from a woman or a man? I'm truly just curious and have been puzzling out my own opinion on it too, was hoping to pick your brain ; ]

Personally, I think the post was from a woman... can't really specify why, just my gut instinct.

Just curious - Actually...

[ In Reply To ..]
...funny thing. My first gut was that it was a woman, too. But most would think it was a man. The person never answered by query, so we may never know.

Interesting how we both thought the same thing.

Same for my bro. He likes to smoke food. I tell him it is like - eating a piece of wood out of the fire.nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

He is over-smoking it - We smoke food all the time

[ In Reply To ..]
Your brother is way over-smoking/over-cooking the food. It should not taste as you describe.

He thinks the longer ANYTHING cooks the better, bba til like - cardboard, spaghetti sauce til you SM

[ In Reply To ..]
cant tell if it has onions or chopped tomato in it, it is all just an over-cooked red mush, mashed potatoes with sour cream mixed in til it is a greasy disgusting lump of starch. Ewww, think you get the idea.

We have a friend like that - way overcooks-see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
This friend of ours way overcooks everything, too. I don't know why. He literally boils broccoli for like 2 hours. Yuck. Overcooked broccoli is what gives broccoli a bad name. I steam mine for a couple of minutes, and that works out. When he comes to our house, he's perfectly happy with our broccoli, and in fact, has seconds on it.

He swears that he only likes rare meat, but at his house, it's always overcooked. He blames the grill. We've seen him in action, he just plain overcooks it. Keeps the stuff on the grill waaaay tooooo long.

Regarding "secret recipes" - Old Pro

[ In Reply To ..]
Cooking has been a hobby of mine for many years, and I am always flattered when someone asks me for a recipe. When I ask others, I just say, "That was wonderful quiche. Would you mind sharing your recipe?" In all my life, I have only had one refusal (done politely) on grounds that it was a family recipe that was never shared. And speaking of family recipes, I have a friend who is a high school teacher. She and other teachers were having a planning meeting at her home and it was a pot luck. She told them she would provide the chicken. She bought a large bucket of Kentucky Fried and then wadded up the bucket and put it in the garbage. During the meal one of the other teachers told her the chicken was delicious and asked for the recipe. Embarrassed that she had used purchased chicken, B. said, "I'm sorry, but it's an old family recipe." Well, a few minutes after that, one of the other teachers went into the kitchen to get a Pepsi and saw the bucket from KFC in the garbage can and brought it back into the room and said, "Here's B's 'family recipe!'" Of course she was embarrassed and that topic has been the subject of much mirth in our crowd ever since. ;)-

Not rude at all! - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think it's rude in the least. In my opinion, the only time someone should feel on the spot after having asked for the recipe, if the person asking is somehow going to profit from it monetarily, like open up their own hotdog stand or something.

I think the family recipe thing is otherwise silly. Case in point: My MIL's mother made THE BEST rice pudding. She shared the recipe with my MIL, but MIL and hubby SWEAR she left something out, because they've never been able to duplicate it.

Ha!! I think Millie Helper said Laura Petrie did, too!! - ;-)

[ In Reply To ..]
And it would be just like Laura to do that. LOL

Joking aside, I bet that has something to do with some people not wanting to share recipes, because they want theirs to be the best and distinctive in the friend/family circle.

I agree, it's silly. We just assign the person's name to the secret recipe for credit, like Louise's coleslaw or Grandma Johnson's spice cake. Even when someone who has requested the recipe who doesn't even know the namesake gets a recipe for "Louise's coleslaw." All ingredients intact ;-)

Peanut butter!! I remember thinking what in the world is - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
peanut butter doing in guacamole?

I think it's a compliment! - MTJ

[ In Reply To ..]
Asking shouldn't be held against you!

Thanks all for your opinions - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I have not met the girl yet so didn't want to give the wrong impression. Her mother's strawberries preserves were so perfectly made my mouth is watering again thinking about them.

If anyone has a good recipe for strawberries preserves I'm looking for one.

Here is my jello salad (thought it's not really a salad), but I can eat the whole thing at once. - Just in case someone is interested.

1 family size packet of jello (lemon and black cherry are the best)
1 8-oz package of cream cheese, softened
1 large can crushed pineapple.

Dissolve the jello in 2 cups boiling water. Add the cream cheese and beat til smooth and creamy (I use a wire wisk - sometimes will have a few microscopic spots of cream cheese that don't totally dissolve but that's okay). Add the can of crushed pineapple juice and all (this makes up for the second 2 cups of water you would normally add). Chill til firm. This is fantastic.

Food for thought - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I had a similar situation years ago, with an absolutely awesome blueberry pie. I was told secret recipe, can't share, etc. Bummer, right?

I found out a couple of years later that the woman didn't actually bake the pie herself, but bought it from a small baker a few towns over and then passed the pie off as her own!! Lol. Thus, her recipe was "secret."

Not rude to ask - Sometimes explanation

[ In Reply To ..]
Like the KFC and blueberry pie, a lot of people who won't share their recipe have a reason for secrecy.

I had relatives who "baked" Italian wedding cookies by opening a bag of Stella D'Oro, splitting them and adding a layer of some fluffy frosting, and putting both halves together. Looked like they took days to cook. Their straight-from-the-old-country lasagna was from the grocery store freezer case with a jar of spaghetti sauce and mozzarella cheese on top.

My mother had a load of recipes people went wild over, including a faux-apple pie that involved a box of Ritz crackers and a frozen pie shell. She thawed the pie shell and mashed the edges to make it look homemade. The secret ingredients were a brushing of lard and, for special events, a dollop of Southern Comfort. People went wild over it and never suspected that no fruit had even been in her kitchen.

I also know of a bundt pound cake that appears at employee potlucks sporting a secret ingredient of coconut rum. The employer is rabidly anti-alcohol. Somebody else brings those sausage things in a crockpot . . . the ones with grape jelly, ketchup and a secret ingredient of Jack Daniels. Those recipes have to stay secret.

Today, nobody wants to admit using lard and bacon drippings. Or secret ingredients like nuoc mam fermented fish sauce, weird animal parts, or other yummies. People go wild over the finished product, though.

I have seen lots of potato salad and coleslaw that started out in the Costco deli and had a couple cans of this and that fall in.

The worst secret recipe ever has to be the one a family friend served to guests for years. Her roast beef spread sandwiches were Little Friskies. People devoured them and clamored for more. She very carefully hid the can in the next door neighbor's trash. She made sure to have actually cooked a roast sometime the week before.

Wait, no that wasn't the worst. The worst was a lady who would serve lobster salad. She would ask a seafood restaurant to save lobsters that people didn't finish. For her compost pile. She would get a big bag of them, clean the meat out, and voila! Lobster salad. Everyone was sooo impressed that she brought such expensive stuff.

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