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Rude, rude, rude, rude, RUDE RELATIVES
Posted: Nov 30, 2013
My mom is not doing well. I hope she makes it through the winter! All my siblings know, so when they come to visit, it's only for a few hours (like 1 hour and 59 minutes, I mean, not very long!) at a time, they come in the morning, then again in the evening, and even then, my mom will excuse herself and go upstairs and lay down and take her blood pressure. Because "it's too much excitement." You can look at her and see she is all stressed out and tense and has a hard time speaking, she can't even get a sentence out, she has to say it word by word BECAUSE SHE'S SO TIRED AND STRESSED OUT. I.......was....... ........ surprised.........it was..........so........warm........... what's that tell a person? The person speaking is WORN OUT?????
So now, my dad's relatives come over, they call and ask to come over, and so of course my mom can't say no to my dad's relatives (the whole sorry domestic violence and alcohol crap of my childhood rearing its head), so they all c'mon over and stay for HOURS. WEARING MY MOM THE HELL OUT.
Yes, yes, it's my MOM'S responsibility to tell them no, she's too tired (well hell she says it to my siblings, she can't say it to MY DAD'S COUSIN????? ), but she's 80 years old, and it's like, can't you see how TIRED SHE IS??????
;
Aww, sorry that happened - Some folks just don't get it
[ In Reply To ..]People are often just clueless. They probably thought they were doing a good thing.
I am sorry that happened. I'll send healing energy her way.
Thanks for the healing energy - wheres_my_job
[ In Reply To ..]Yes, they probably think they are doing good, visiting with my mom and dad. I get stressed, this is the time of the year she always "overdoes it" and gets bronchitis, walking pneumonia, or breaks something (she broke her hip and then another year she tripped and shattered her knee). It was nice when my brother was here, he held both her hands and stroked her hands a little.
Maybe you should step up for your mom next time and - tell them when it's time to go..
[ In Reply To ..]nm
Yeah, I may actually just call before that happens - wheres_my_job
[ In Reply To ..]It's a volatile situation, though, and that can end up making it worse (my dad gets pissed off, which stresses my mom out)(which has happened before).
So I may just call before Christmas rolls around - hey, great for you to stop by, but mom's not doing so well, could you keep the visit shorter? Like 1-2 hours?
Suggestion - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Here is a suggestion for what to say. It is neutral and won't push buttons.
Call well ahead of time. "Would you come see us at Christmas for about an hour? Mom is having a difficult time talking or even being up longer than that. She loves seeing you, but it exhausts her to the point that she suffers terribly after she has company."
The difference is that you stated what would be appropriate, gave a good reason for it, and did not mention anything critical about the last visit.
If you say to "keep it shorter," it is a criticism of them. That leaves them open to needing to defend themselves, triggering a fight.
Just tell them an hour. Chances are they will misjudge the time and stay over, which might end up being 2 hours. When they arrive, greet them and say that you are glad they are there. Then say she is looking forward to the visit and "I can't believe how tired she gets so fast. I am glad I asked you to come over for an hour, because I don't think she can hold out longer than that. She tries not to show it."
If they show no signs of wrapping up at an hour, start looking like you are checking to see how she is doing. Look a little concerned, then anxious. Sneak a peek at your watch. Finally, at 90 minutes stand where she can't see you and make motions to indicate that she is short of breath, etc. Look very sad when you do that.
Finally, if that fails, just ask her how she is doing and suggest that she go lie down for a bit.
Suggestion - Old Pro
[ In Reply To ..]You sound like a true diplomat. I wish I had some of your sense of diplomacy, truly I do. Great answer!
What if they NEVER called or visited? - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I bet you'd be complaining they didn't care and left all the work to you. Be grateful they love her and want to spend time with her!! Life is short.
that was my experience when my mom was on hospice - for 2 years
[ In Reply To ..]I heard the complaints that people came too often, stayed too long, didn't stay long enough, came when the caregiver was at home taking a bath (in the middle of the afternoon), was not at home, did not visit often enough. The caregiver always complained about something with visitors. Life is too short when someone you love is dying.
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