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In a mess because of money and relatives

Posted: May 7, 2012

I have a brother who is wealthy and has always been very generous to me. I am in the process of selling my house, and things are taking longer than expected. I am short of money and screwed up my courage to ask my brother for a loan until my house is sold (I have never asked him for anything in my entire life). It was a very difficult thing to do as I was embarrassed that my finances are so tight.He said not to worry about it and that he would write me a check, and then he called back and now he calls every day with questions from his "financial people." I have explained again and again what's going on, that I would be happy to sign a promissory note, that I would make him a partial beneficiary of my life insurance to repay the debt if I should keel over dead. Then his "people" wanted to know *why* I needed the money. What was going on with my buyers? The whole thing sounded *odd* to them. ????? One obvious thought is that he is reconsidering lending me the money and is using these "financial people" as an excuse. If he regretted saying he would give me the money, he could have said, "You know, I've been thinking about it and I'm not comfortable with this situation." I would have been disappointed, but I would not have gone crazy like i"m doing now. I feel strung along and humiliated and like a Bernie Madoff Jr. who s trying to pull a fast one, and I'm really mad. Even if he lends me the money now, I don't even want it. But I need it. My heart tells me that pride and self-respect is more important than money, but my banker and creditors think otherwise. Any observations other than the obvious? And try to be tactful, if possible. I've had a tough couple of weeks.

;

in real estate transactions and monetary gifts, is common - for finance/bank to question it.

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nm

Maybe they want to - bern

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make sure you aren't getting ripped off or scammed. He might just be trying to help. I'd come right out and ask him what was up.

Mess - Avon MT

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I agree with just asking him directly if he regrets it and assure him you are only doing it because you really need to. Maybe if you lay all your cards on the table, it will open the door for him to do the same. Don't put stress on your relationship with him by keeping your thoughts locked up. Good Luck to you!

it's never a good idea to borrow from family - ltdn

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This is straight off the Dave Ramsey website...it's from the other side (in your case, this would be davice given o your brother).

"So the old joke goes: if you lend your brother-in-law $50 and he never talks to you again, was it worth the investment?

The joke may be funny, but experiencing this in real life is anything but funny. Loaning money to a friend or family member is a bad decision. Someone who lends money to a loved one has their heart—not their head—in the right place. It is okay to GIVE money, but loaning money to someone with whom you have a relationship will lead to broken hearts and broken wallets.

Check out the statistics from a recent money-etiquette survey:

57% of people said they have seen a friendship or relationship ruined because one person didn't pay back the other.
Almost 50% have loaned $100 or more to help out someone, but 55% don't get repaid.
71% lend money to immediate family members, 57% to relatives, and 54% to friends.

One fact not quoted in the survey is that Thanksgiving dinner tastes 100% better when friends or relatives don't owe one another money! Eating with your master is different than eating with your family.

Loaning money makes relationships awkward. Parents who lend their newly married daughter and her husband a down payment for a house think they are helping out the new family. Soon, however, they are giving the young couple disapproving looks when an upcoming vacation becomes more important than repaying the loan. This leads to nothing but resentment and pain on both sides.

Don't do this to people and relationships that mean something to you. If someone is in genuine need, it's great to help. If you help with money, make it a gift instead of a loan. By not having an I.O.U. hanging over your head, you will keep your relationships strong."

I hope that helps. Good luck to you either way....go with your gut!

wow, a couple of typos in that first line...sorry! - ltdn

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:0

The kindness of strangers--thanks you guys - OP with the money mess

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I am actually sitting here crying because you all took the time to reply to my post in such decent, kind ways. I know asking to borrow from a relative is the equivalent of sticking a fork into an electrical socket, but I stupidly thought my situation was different. I am taking your words to heart about what to do.

Sap alert ahead: I know there are people who mock this board and think people who come here for help or advice are pathetic, but I do believe that people are basically kind and good, and you all have proved it tonight. Thank you so much.

Is there any other way at all possible for you to borrow - from someone else

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I once asked my grandfather (who was rich) to borrow $400 to buy a car. He flat out refused me. He said he never lends money to relatives. Needless to say I was embarrassed and somewhat hurt, but I loved grandpa no less. At a later date he explained exactly why he never lends money to relative or would ever ask relatives for money. Later in life (about 8 years ago) I learned the hard way. I loaned my BIL $1200 to get him out of a financial mess. He still owes me $60. He had a good job, I budgeted for him to pay me $40 a month until paid off, but he always found something more important, like spending extra money so he could get 6 sports stations and movie channels etc, instead of sticking with his basic cable, weekend parties, this that this that. So, now I know what my grandpa meant.

It sounds like your brother is having an issue and that he doesn't want to be the one to say no. Of course I don't know him or the exact details of your situation. I'm just wondering if there is any other way to borrow the money, like a personal loan with your bank or something like that.

Just a thought. Don't be too hard on your brother. He just might be very nervous about the whole thing.

Wondering if he has a problem with the asking part - OP with the money mess

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Thanks for sharing your experiences. I think you were really good to your BIL; I don't know how old he is but it seems a lot of young(er) guys have this problem with instant gratification and blowing off their financial obligations. I hope you still have a decent relationship with him. My brother has been so generous with me and all our family. Christmas is always a mixed blessing because he gives everyone multiple expensive gifts, and the rest of us feel uncomfortable that we can't reciprocate. Now I'm wondering if giving is one thing, but being asked is another. Maybe it's a control thing with my brother. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go to my bank because they're not going to be too happy with my sellers, either. My feeling is that my brother will end up lending me the money, but I'm not even sure I should take it. I feel sick when I think about it and that's probably my gut telling me not do it. Or else I have developed an ulcer which is also a possibility!

BIL is 48. We are just one year older than him - sm

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We do have a good relationship with him. I know he's hit some hard times, was glad I could lend him when I had it, but there were times I could have used some of it. Still love him the same.

I think if I was in your shoes I would just sit down and have a good honest talk with him. Tell him you are feeling uneasy and that its making you sick (or whatever) and you don't want him to be mad at you and just ask if everything is still okay.

Family's are the most important. I hope it all works out well for you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. - sm

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I'm wondering if your car is paid off and if it is worth anything. About a year after my DH and I bought our first home, we uncovered an expensive mess that had to be fixed immediately. We didn't have the $3k to fix the problem, so our credit union refinanced our old car for $3k and we were able to use that money to solve our problem rather than asking relatives or take a more expensive personal loan. (We had no equity in the home yet). Generally, a used car loan has a lower interest rate than other types of short-term loans. Just throwing that out there. Good luck to you!

Definitely will check into it - OP

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We do have a car that's paid off and with any luck it will get me through my home sale. I wouldn't have thought about the difference in interest rates among the various types of loans, so thanks for the good idea. The worst types of situations are those that occur suddenly and have to be taken care of right way, so I'm glad you figured your way out of your earlier situation--and maybe now have helped me out of mine! Thanks again.

You're welcome. Mine was a big plumbing - issue in my only bath.

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Yours sounds much worse. I'm so grateful to my credit union; they really talked us down off the cliff, LOL! We were so overwhelmed by this issue that we really couldn't see a way out without help from my in-laws. As it was, my FIL came to help us with the labor part of the deal and stayed for MONTHS. Totally not worth it.

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