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Why does money have to be such an issue?

Posted: Jun 23, 2010

Even when it's not the lack of it, but more the equality in spending it.

My DH gets very upset and defensive when I suggest to him that he has a whole lot more money in his checking account than I do in mine, yet I'm paying ALL the household expenses, all the vet bills, and ALL the remodeling expenses on the house.

He'll make some lame excuse, and then he closes up, shuts down, and sulks.

I have more than enough to live on, but that's not the point. I've decided I'm NOT going to spend any more on a kitchen remodel, or taxes, or whatever. I'll just live with it the way it is.

;

sounds like a deeper issue going on - why the separate accounts

[ In Reply To ..]
that fact alone tells me that you have set yourselves up to have inequality in the marriage

I am lucky........ - Ali

[ In Reply To ..]
I have always had FULL financial control in our household. I handle his paycheck and mine. He cashes his and hands it over to me. I pay for everything out of our combined income and if he wants something, he asks me if he can afford it. Most of the time my husband has 5 bucks max in his pocket. He has a debit card, but he is so accustomed to it that if he needs to use out, outside of what I asked him to get, he will call and ask me if that's cool. We have been married 12 years and that has always worked out great for both of us. I don't think he would want any kind of financial responsibility actually.

in your case definitely keep separate accounts - separate accs

[ In Reply To ..]
since you are the generous one.

If you plan to make renovations, etc, ask him beforehand if he is ready to contribute half. If not, no renovations.

When I was married many moons ago, we kept - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
separate accounts, but we split all household expenses. It is not fair for one to pay everything and I would not do it at all. He needs to pay have of anything to do with the house--I am assuming you both own it, therefore you are both responsible.

Bank accounts - Eurosepsis

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband I have separate checking accounts but we are on each other's accounts - I can write checks on his, he can on mine, and we can transfer money to each other on line. It started out that way when we were living together, before we got married, and it worked out so well, I didn't want to change it. He is an accountant so he keeps a spread sheet for the month. He pays the bills and I pay for the groceries, P.O. box, newspaper subscriptions, etc., and at the end of the month we even up. He makes a ton more than I do so he usually fudges on the totals :) God bless him!

We both have children from previous marriages and I wanted to be able to help my kids out if they needed it without having to clear it through him and he wanted the same thing for his kids.

I have a HUGE problem with asking someone if I can spend money since I work, so this saves us a lot of issues. Money was a big problem with my previous marriage. We both worked and had a joint account. He had his check deposited into a different account and all the bills came from our "joint" account. That's why, after 25 years, he is now my ex-husband :)

Money and children - The source of most fighting

[ In Reply To ..]
That's what "they" say, anyway. Most fights in a marriage have to do with money and raising the children. What worked for us was a complete delegation of tasks. Hubby is an accountant, and since day 1 he has handled all the money. Most paydays I don't even open up my pay stub to look. He even checks for me to be sure that my line counts are accurate and paid out correctly with bonuses.

For me, I always took the lead with the children and the home. I dealt with homework, teacher conferences, and setting the boundaries for the kids. He backed me up 100% and followed my system. (Which looks a lot like Supernanny, by the way. I should have taken that idea to t.v.!)

Now that are kids are grown, my husband jokes that my responsibilities are over, and he's still paying the bills and doing the tax returns.

It worked for us, because we respected our spouse's area of expertise. We rarely questioned or disagreed with each other on these issues. He is MUCH better at handling the money than I am. I was much better at dealing with the kids, and I still handle the homefront better than he does. It's kind of like the 1950s around here, I guess.

Now where did I put my high heels and pearls?

I have been so fortunate in this area - LK

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband and I have been married for 28 years, and have always kept our money in a joint account. I was out of the work force for 15 years raising our kids, but it still was always "our" money in that account. We had to work out some issues early in our marriage about how to spend it, but seriously haven't fought about money in years. I think it's partly because we both think so much alike about how to spend it. We also share the financial responsibilties- he pays the bills and I handle our investments and budgets. We both like it this way and both have a hand in the financial doings. I think for me this was just the luck of the draw in having such a financially compatible husband.

I suggest three accounts - s/m

[ In Reply To ..]
I understand what you mean about the inequity of things. My recommendation would be yours, mine, and ours accounts. Most direct deposits allow for a deposits to a couple of different accounts. But instead of having a set amount put into the joint account, I would recommend a percentage of income. This could work in several days:

1) Calculate how much of a percentage of his checks you make. Then, if he is making substantially more than you, maybe a 60/40 split (60% of his check, 40% of yours).

2) Each of you put 40% of your paycheck in (or whatever amount would ensure enough in the joint account to cover household expenses). He may still end up with more money in the bank, but you'd at least have something at the end of the month.

3) Divide up the bills in an equitable way. I did this one with an ex who made a third more than what I did. He paid the $1500 rent (and his car payment), I paid everything else; I paid for groceries, and he paid for all out "outside" eating. It actually worked out pretty good. I hated that he was still loaded ;0, but I had enough money left to fully count as mad money.

money in marriage - magsnfla

[ In Reply To ..]
Like any relationship, even rooomates, you need to sit down and have it out about the money. What you're doing right now is just letting things simmer and it will all come to a boil at some time. Set up a household account with both your names and each of you contributes to it every day payday. Anything to do with the house comes out of that account.
Money is power, that's why it is the #1 issue not only in marriages but in all human relationships.

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