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Almost Mother's Day and asked for simple

Posted: May 8, 2013

Going out of town for awhile in a couple of months, coming back in on a Sunday night around 8:30. I asked my daughter if she could pick me up. I would call her as soon as the plane landed so she would not have to wait and just pick me up in front. She responded that she would have to take the next day off from work because she would be too tired. I asked her if she was saying she had to be off for picking me up and her response was "if you want my help you get it my way." I told her to not bother. This is not a young girl, but a grown woman and, well Happy Mother's Day to me, huh? She has been this way for years. My aunt said she would probably change when she got older, like her 30s and still not. It makes me sad really because I just think she does not care for me like I think she should. ;

Should have taught her right - nm

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nm

thats horrible - myob

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You have no clue what you are talking about. You dont know how she raised her. Kids do what they want, regardless of how you raised them.

Get real.

Perhaps someone should have taught YOU right! - sm

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Some people have not learned to take an opportunity to keep their mouth shut. You are rude and cruel. Did your mother not tell you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all??

Respect gets earned, Mom - see msg

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I am always amazed when nobody cares about the other side of things. This kid does not respect her mother at all, but there must be a reason.

Mom, stop being a martyr.

Something went flooey, and there is more to this story than meets the eye.

I know a woman who was just awful to her kids, then cries, cries, cries when not a one of them acknowledges her birthday, Mother's Day, etc. Give me a break.

More than meets the eye? - OP

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My daughter has always and I mean always been selfish, did not want to share things as a child, even with me, would do for her friends before me, is a me, me, me type person but my aunt said she would probably change as she aged. I have works in the plan for a 3 day trip including her in a couple of months. All I did was asked for this favor. We were on good terms. This is the answer i got when I said I felt like a bother to her and copied right from her email:

As much as you've done for me in my life, how could you EVER be a bother?

Well..... - sm

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Your child growing up, behaving like that, you can't just have your aunt tell you that she will "grow out of it". Of course, it is probably too late now, BUT you should have taught her to stop, not expected maturity to take its course. My kids are still young, but when they whine or don't want to do things for me, then I don't do things for them either.

Just the other day, my son had an extra stylus pen that my husband wanted and my son wanted to sell it to my husband, rather than give it to him. My son is 13, he didn't buy this pen himself and actually it was lost in his room for months, so not in use. My husband doesn't like to argue, so he paid him for the pen. Later, my son asked me to take him to town to shop with his birthday money and I told him I needed gas money. He looked at me like I was crazy and I gave him the lecture on helping people tends to have others want to help you, but charging my husband money (our money) then I would need to charge him for things as well.

Don't plan her in on the trip. - Mom2

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You should have taught her about respect and sharing and giving as a child, but I suppose it is never too late to learn. Don't include her on the trip and when she asks, just tell her that you feel like it is such an inconvenience when you ask her to do something for you, so you, in turn, are going to stop doing things for her.

It sounds as if she was a spoiled child, being able to get away with what she wanted and treat people how she wished. I am NOT putting her down or YOU down, just saying what I think. Rather than her growing up and stopping this behavior, sounds like she has turned into a spoiled adult. As long as her behavior is continuing to be tolerated, she will continue with the behavior. If she can refuse to inconvenience herself for others, but yet they continue to do for her, she will continue the behavior.

I know many people like this and I absolutely hate when people say..."That's just how she is". I think people are "just how they are" because other people LET them be that way. Stand up and STOP doing for her and just maybe she will learn a valuable life lesson that she should have already learned.

The trip was already in the making, she had asked - for time off from work to go

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so to univite her? Short of getting the room, had paid for everything else up front.

Yes, find a replacement or take the loss. - sm

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You already had arrangements to be flown in and need a ride from the airport, but it was too much of an inconvenience for her. You are now making excuses for her and as long as you do this, she will NEVER change! So what she took off of work, that is HER problem. Give her some "tough love" a few times and perhaps her eyes will open. Keep on making excuses and just keep on getting the same treatment.

am I misunderstanding? - sm

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I think this is a nice thing for your daughter to say: "As much as you've done for me in my life, how could you EVER be a bother?"

Oh, really? - SM

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And because of the ONE woman you know, you make an across the board, you know it all, someone died and appointed me judge statement? Sounds like something went wrong in your own upbringing, dear.

Not one person - That was an example...

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I just get tired of only hearing one side of the story and the "poor me" routine. We don't know what happened here.

Maybe the OP let the kid get away with all sorts of stuff and never put her foot down. Maybe the OP is a royal pain the butt and has been all her life. Maybe the OP didn't spend time with her kid, dumped her in daycare for 8-10 hours at a stretch year after year. Who the heck knows? None of us, not you or me.

My point is, we don't know, neither of us. Her kid is dissing her and there's probably a reason.

You dont tell us how far away is the airport and what time - does daughter need to be at work? nm

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x

Answers - OP

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Checked mapquest- 24 minutes from the airport to my house and you can make it to her home in about 45 minutes so really less than an hour. She usually is up to around 11 on any work night and then on the weekends a lot of time takes naps. Had I been coming in in the middle of the night would probably had paid $$$$$$ for a taxi.

Sorry - more answers - OP

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My daughter goes to work at 8 a.m. and her job is about 3-5 miles from her house, knows she does not leave extremely early to make.

Kids - INMT

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Ok, no finger pointing, no blame, but you need to take control of this one fast......You need to let her know how completely disappointed you are in her actions. How you find it hard to believe how she could even THINK to say such a thing to you. You need to go on and on.. She needs to hear these things, even if it does not penetrate into her brain. My son can and has been very hurtful and I ALWAYS say how it made me feel. May or may not do much, but no saying something is harder on you than them hearing the truth. Step up, take control of your feelings, it is time to be about you. I seem to hear a bit of inabling in regard to her not being included in the trip. Regardless of how she makes you feel you dont change your actions towards her. Find a friend to take, enjoy, and if she does not get it, her loss. JMHO

This was my email answer - OP

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you made me feel really bad. You made me feel like I was bothering you when you said you would have to take the next day off because you did not want to be tired and then that was followed up by if I wanted a favor then it was your way. Well, thanks but no thanks. I try so very hard to never ask for a favor from you because really you don't seem to want to help ever. Just forget about it, have already made other plans. Don't make it out to sound like you were wronged. You could have just taken the next day off and not said anything about it but instead you made it sound like I was putting you out. I never want to do that to anyone.

Finished with this.

Oh Brother, martyrdome - Yeesh

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Yeesh, you sound like the kind of mother who makes her kid feel guilty for being alive. Your kid does not owe a ride to or from YOUR airport trip.

I think we have our answer as to why she is the way she is. She's sick and tired of it.

She could have said just no - OP

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and that would have been ok with me. I can understand yes, no and that is definitely not the issue here.

The issue was she told me she would have to take off the next day for doing me a favor, with her being too tired to get me from the airport.

I asked 2 months in advance. She could have already had plans for that night. I would have not cared and made other plans. Can you understand she made it sound like I was a bother and she told me I had to do it her way? Well, no I guess I really don't have to do it her way. There are others and I have already worked that out but thanks for the kind opinions you gave.

...and you would have - let it go?? Doubt it.

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xxxx

Then you really do not know me as a person - OP

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Because I let my children grow and have their own life, never intervene and whether you believe or not, it would be a done deal if the answer was no. I have other options. Going on an overnight flight in about a month, already paid for parking place- that cost about $26. Had I paid for covered parking for this trip I am speaking of, the parking place was over $180.00 but there are hotels around town that cost a lot less, like $2.90 a day, uncovered but I can park there and have before. I really hoped not to leave my car out in the open with not much security around for that length of time, that is why I asked for the ride.

I'm sorry for you. My mom really didn't - do anything for us

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besides give us life and food. I tell people we were raised by wolves. Mom was and is still so self-absorbed and all six of us kids have doted on her and I can't figure out why. She never spent money on us but always has the latest styles and more shoes than I can count, yet she has no money for her grandkids' birthday gifts or Christmas gifts, so we buy everything and put her name on them so the kids don't feel bad. All of us kids are in a bad spot financially but we all buy her food, her meds, and one sister buys her clothes and shoes and takes her out to eat all of the time. We weren't shown any generosity by her and yet we still give and give. I don't know the answer.

I should add that it is the opposite on my - husband's side. His

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mom raised all of her kids to think the world revolved around them. My husband was the stingiest, most thoughtless guy you ever met, but he had other good qualities, so I let it go. I also worked hard to show him that it was better to give than to receive, and he has completely turned around. No on bothered to teach my SILS that, however, and they don't give her anything for birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day or anything. And she is as good as gold to ALL of us. Very generous and loving. She never expected anything from her kids and that is exactly what she got, until I entered the mix and turned her son around.

I am really sorry to hear about what you have - OP

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gone thru. I see people on TV talking about how they love their mothers/fathers and yet these people have done drugs, murdered, put the kids up for adoption and other things and when you try your best to do for the kids and by the kids seems like they don't care. I would like to feel like I have love and respect, that is it.

Thanks. I'm okay, thanks to a great - therapist. She

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encouraged me to think of my mom as more of a friend than a mom, so that I would stop expecting anything out of her. Fortunately, I have had a lot of older women friends growing up who played the role of mother to me. It has all worked out. Mom is at the end of her days now and I enjoy her company. She has a great sense of humor and we have a lot in common. I love her and know she did the best she could with what she had. I have come to realize her mother wasn't so warm, either, so she really had no role model.

That is sad - see msg

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That is very sad, but I do think you all need to stop trying to get the mom you needed and wanted. That's why you do this. Very hard, I know (been there, done that), but you can't get blood from a stone. You should not sacrifice your own families to support a narcissistic person.

You are right, of course. I never looked at - it that way. She is

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nearing the end of her life, in the hospital now, with end-stage COPD. She is ending on a generous note, though, in that as we are all around her trying to help her to decide whether she wants to be placed on a ventilator and possibly not come off it, she is cracking jokes left and right, trying to cheer us up. I think that is the most generous thing she has ever done for us. Better late than never, I guess.

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nm ...