A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry
Need personal advice
Posted: Mar 11, 2011
Need advice.
My son is 40 and has 2 children ages 12 and 14. He is getting divorced but that's not the main issue. For the past 20 years he has been sporadic in sending christmas cards/gifts, birthday and mother's day cards/gifts. His wife would often cover for him but only some of the time. I don't believe I have ever had a card, phone call or gift for mother's day. The last few years I have gotten nothing on any of the aforementioned "special days." I have never gotten a card, call or thank-you note from his children either.
So I just keep maiiling cards and checks to him and his children on birthdays and Christmas. Once again, this past christmas came and went - not a peep from any of them (they live 200 miles away), no phone call, not a card, nothing. So I have decided that if I don't get anything this year for my birthday and mother's day (they are close together) - either a phone call or a card - I am going to write a courteous, but firm letter to both my son and his children that I won't be sending them any more cards or checks, and that if none of them can be bothered to send a single card once every couple of years, then I can't be bothered either.
I do hear from them when they are going out of town and need a babysitter!!
Is that being unethical and cruel? I don't want to burn bridges here but I feel like I just can't keep being an ATM machine for them any longer.
;
Don't inform them you are doing it - Just Do It
[ In Reply To ..]They should be able to figure it out, and if they don't and they ask you why... then tell them.
Agree with just do it. Don't inform them. That - puts the ball in their court NM
[ In Reply To ..]x
Why punish your grandchildren because your son and his wife did not teach them right - Sounds too familiar
[ In Reply To ..]Wow, we are definitely on different planets. What happened to having children and giving them unconditional love and support? Did you have children so that they would buy you birthday presents?
When my kids became adults, I let them know they were not “obligated” to buy me gifts or even acknowledge my birthday or any Hallmark holidays. They also knew that, in return, I was not obligated to send them money or buy them gifts. I do – not because the calendar says it is time or because they expect it, but because I WANT TO. If I have extra cash, I send it. They know that when I do not have extra, they will not be receiving anything. They cannot expect nor can they feel they deserve or it is their right to receive anything from me. So, when I do not hear from them, there are no hard feelings. They call me on a regular basis and I call them for no reason. We talk about nothing. There are no expectations. There is no quid pro quo.
They treat you like an ATM because that is how you set up the relationship years ago, and now you are steaming about it. You probably feel disrespected and hurt. When was the last time you sat down with all of them and told them how hurt you are when they do not remember your special days? I would wager that your grandchildren have no clue how you feel. As children, they have to be taught by their parents that a thank you note or phone call to relatives who give gifts is a nice way to show how much the gift is appreciated. If the parents fail to teach them this lesson, you cannot blame your grandchildren for not calling you or sending thank you notes.
I heard the sarcasm in your post. The first thing that flashed in my mind was my cousin, and I had to reply to your post.
I have a cousin who was just like you. She would go ballistic when her kids would not send her at least a card for her birthday, and would call and make sarcastic remarks when they did not send a thank you card when she gave them gifts. They started avoiding her calls and not communicating with her at all. When she had major surgery and it was touch and go, none of them came to the hospital (“it was too far to drive and could not get out of work” or some lame excuse). After her health scare, she realized life was too short to get bent out of shape over who sent what and when. She wrote and left messages trying to patch things up. It literally took 2 years before all the family would come to her house for dinner again.
If you want to be vindictive because they do not follow your expectations, then by all means, cut them out of your life. Take your toys and go home! Your grandchildren will be just fine without you. But, in return, never expect anything back from them – not on holidays, not on birthdays, not when you are in the hospital, not when you are on your death bed. You made the rules; they will be following your lead.
Some people are just too wrapped up in their own lives to remember anyone who is not standing right in front of them. That does not mean that you have to cut off communication with your grandchildren to spite your son.
IF you want to maintain some relationship with your children and grandchildren, there is nothing wrong with saying “Hey, my finances have changed. Don’t expect anything from me and I will not expect anything from you, but if you want to call or send a card, you know it would make me happy to get them. Send what you want; call when you want.” Do not expect anything in return, and you will no longer feel hurt or disrespected when they miss one of your special days.
Then, you can send or not send what you want, when you want; and they can call or not call as they feel comfortable. Someday, your children and grandchildren will realize they would like to communicate with you more, but they will not if you have already shut the door on them.
You asked for opinions and that is mine.
They can't even invest the small effort to - acknowledge the gifts she sends
[ In Reply To ..]I think the OP is entirely jusified in her feelings and her intentions.
And I agree. Just stop sending anything. The children are old enough to acknowledge your gifts without their parents' intervention. They don't do it. If they don't appreciate what you give them, why waste your time and resources continuing to give them something they apparently do not want?
The next time they want a babysitter, be busy.
Aren't the gifts just that? Gifts? - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I always thought gifts were something nice that the gifter wanted to do for someone, not expecting anything in return. Even a thank you.
IMO, once the OP no longer feels like giving them anything then it isn't a gift anymore. It seems like it's done out of compulsion or maybe need for acknowledgement. It isn't a true gift anyway if given with a feeling of resentment, feeling why am I bothering I won't get anything in return anyway.
Just stop giving the gifts. There really is no need for a curteous, but firm letter. If they don't say thank you, no one can force them to. How much would a forced acknowledgement mean to the Grandma anyway? I realize that most people would show gratitude for a gift, but if these children and the son don't, why push it? Why stir up more animosity or contention than he obviously already has? I'm sure they already know from other sources how Mom/Grandma feels anyway. The other kids have probably already said something to them. Writing a curteous, but firm letter is only going to make it look like she's seeking attention or trying to get some kind of self-gratitude by telling them off. It isn't going to change how they feel.
Fair enough. But why are you directing this at me? - Hmmm?
[ In Reply To ..]I never suggested she sould write them a letter.
just like me - AuntieEm
[ In Reply To ..]You know someone "just like me?" Golly I thought I was one in a million!
There was no sarcasm in my post. And I have never gone "ballistic." Cried a lot, yes. Ballistic, no.
But good point about not punishing the kids. My intent was for it to be a "wake up call." Allowing and ignoring bad behavior is not a good thing to condone either. And really, spoiled thoughtless children grow into spoiled and thoughtless adults if they are never forced to think about life's consequences.
re: - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I send my sister's kids cards and money on their birthday, and the family Christmas cards and gifts. Have never received anything from her, not a card, birthday acknowledgement, nada. She always thanks me via text, and says the kids say thanks too. I'm hoping when they are older they will remember and feel a connection or something.
If it bothers you, just send cards to keep the connection going, and stop sending the money.
Do unto others.... - Mary
[ In Reply To ..]as you would have them do unto you. We send cards, money, etc. to those we love and care for but, yes, it is nice to have that love and care be acknowledged and appreciated. You have every right to feel hurt. Sometimes, even our grown children who we thought we had raised right, will do things to hurt us. It seems like they just take advantage of our good nature. I agree that we should only do things for our loved ones out of the goodness of our heart and not expect anything in return but a thank you would still be appreciated. There is no excuse for selfishness and lack of appreciation. Been throught that... I understand your concern.
I cut off people who don't send thank you notes. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]If you send us a grad notice, baby arrival note, etc, and we send you a check and we don't get a thank you back you don't ever get another check from us. I'm hardcore about it; one of my stepdaughters wanted to invite her dad but not me to the wedding. He wouldn't go without me, told her so, and we didn't send her a thing. Her sister, on the other hand, gets b-day cards, Christmas cards, checks, etc, because she is decent enough to me. Don't feel bad, just cut the selfish off!
No thank yous, no responses - cr
[ In Reply To ..]I know just how you feel. I won't send any further gifts to those who don't thank me. Those are usually people who have everything and just expect it, and don't feel obliged to respond. Most recently, against my better judgment, I did send a another card with money in it to a family member who's in foster care, she being an exception because of exceptional circumstances; however, again she did not write or call back to say thank you (she's 13), and I feel offended. Her aunt (who's raising her) sent me an email to confirm she did receive it, but that was only I inquired. Another thing that angers me is to send an email or pictures out of courtesy to someone, and there's no response at all. To me, it's akin to be talking on the phone only to find there's no one on the other end. It especially hurts when I am sent pictures of others grandchildren, for which I always send a kind comment, but when I do the same to them, there's no response. Some people are so self-centered and rude!
Well... - MT
[ In Reply To ..]Nevermind the grandkids, I find it odd that your own children never acknowledge your important days. Why do they not have warm feelings towards their mother?
Not OP but if I may state my own opinion here... - Mary
[ In Reply To ..]Possibly, because some children are spoiled and tend to think the world revolves around only them??? I've seen grown children who were given everything as children, never had to lift a hand to help around the house, never punished no matter what they did and given tons of love and affection by their parents and yet still had the tendency to grow up to be self-centered jerks. Parents are not always the "bad guys" as you seem to be trying to imply.
Opinions - MT
[ In Reply To ..]To quote above: I've seen grown children who were given everything as children, never had to lift a hand to help around the house, never punished no matter what they did and given tons of love and affection by their parents and yet still had the tendency to grow up to be self-centered jerks. End quote.
I don't think above indicates "love and affection." Children who are given everything and never punished are not being given love. That would be an irresponsible parent.
Not saying that OP is that. Not sure why her one child (sorry, I stand corrected, not all the kids) feels that way, that's all.
I have to disagree... - Mary
[ In Reply To ..]Your "definition" of love could be totally different than some other parent's. I'm sure any parent who raises their children in this manner feel they are giving love to their children. I don't know how the OP raised her children. I was just stating my aspect based on events I have witnessed.
Clarification - AuntieEm
[ In Reply To ..]I don't believe in my post I ever used the plural "children." I stated clearly it was my "son" and his "children." I have two other children who are as puzzled by this as I am.
I have no idea why my son does not have warm feelings toward me. He complains that we were poor when he was growing up (I was a single parent and a medical transcriptionist) and he does blame me for that. The other two children do not blame me for that and we have a good relationship.
if you want - iceT
[ In Reply To ..]Instead of sending checks for the grandkids, you could invest that money in their name with you as a co-signer. When they get ready for college or get married (or whenever you feel is the right time), you could take each youngster aside and give them your gift, explaining that you had set this up for their future.
I agree with the above posters. I would just stop sending cards and not explain why, unless he asked. I would bet though, that he will never ask - he will know why.
If you don't want to do the babysitting thing, then don't do it. But, you know that time flies and the grandkids will be teenagers before you know it and be out on their own, so welcome them with open arms ANY time they are visiting and don't think of it as if you are doing your son a favor. YOU ARE the lucky one to have the chance to spend time with those kids! Enjoy it.
Adding to your babysitting comment... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I agree with your babysitting comments. To the OP, maybe while you are spending time with them, fill out some thank you cards and find a way to teach them how and why it should be done.
I've taught my kids to acknowledge a gift - in my 30s
[ In Reply To ..]My kids know when they get something from "Far-away grandma" that they are to call and thank her. They actually look forward to talking with her and telling her what they will do with it (it's usually a gift card). My husband also calls and acknowledges her on her birthday, mother's day, and other various holidays. We are not close and I do not expect her to acknowledge my *special days* (I don't think she even knows when my birthday is), but she has always acknowledged my children and I would much rather she did that over mine.
As for your son and his grandchildren, I think it is definitely your son's responsibility to make sure the kids thank you. It's also his place to call you on your special days. I have to agree with others, though, that sending him a letter telling him you're cutting them off is probably not a good idea.
I would also caution you on cutting off your grandchildren, especially if you have other grandchildren. They will talk and eventually find out that the others are receiving and they aren't. This could really cause some issues for you.
You might want to hold their cards/gifts until you see them and can see their reaction to it. Maybe they will express appreciation face-to-face.
Just do it - Tired MT
[ In Reply To ..]I had the same situation with my brother and his family - never a word of thanks for cards, gifts, nor any calls to acknowledge holidays, my birthday etc, so I just stopped sending.
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