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Personal question

Posted: Jan 14, 2015

something has been bothering me - i was offended by someone almost 3.5 years ago - i thought we were close friends and she chose to disclose a major life event on facebook rather than pick up the phone and call me - well i felt like i was slapped - i just shut down with this person - about a year ago i was going through some stuff and picked up the phone to call this person, i had texted earlier in the day to see if they would be available to chat....well i called and she was on her way into a movie when i had already asked if she would be free - well this totally crushed me - about 6 months or so ago this persron asked on facebook what was going on - well I "let her have it" as nice as possible xplained i was hurt - and all i wanted was a simple "I'm sorry" She knew without me telling her how i found out about this life event but had forgotten about the night i called completely distraught and she was on her way to the movies. I guess my big question is do i continue to hold onto this or is it time to just give up on this and realize i am not gonna get an apology. Part of me wants to say all I wanted was a simple "I'm sorry" because she talks about other people who dont say I'm sorry - but i dont know how to restore the relationship without throwing that out there. I truly miss this person in my life but still i feel betrayed. Anyone with any advice - good, bad, or ugly?

;

What good is it doing you to hold onto a grudge? - clyde

[ In Reply To ..]
Holding onto a grudge is like locking someone up in a jail cell within your heart...but they don't know they're there. The only person it hurts is you.

From what you've said, it sounds like this is the kind of person you don't really want in your life if she is disclosing things on FB that aren't her place to disclose.

I'd be friendly to her if I saw her out and about in town, but I wouldn't tell her anything personal in my life, and it would be more of an acquaintence relationship. There are so many other people in the world who are more deserving of your time, attention and friendship.

You never know...maybe someday she'll come to you out of the blue and want to know what happened.

Oh, and unfriend her and block her on Facebook. You don't need to see what she's posting (which just makes you upset) and she obviously isn't viewed by you to be a good friend so she doesn't have any business being able to view your posts either.

Just be honest. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
What I think I hear is that you're hurt by her actions in the past; specifically, she disclosed personal info about you on her FB page 3-1/2 years ago. I would have been devastated, too, as you were. You decided to end or pause your friendship with her at that time. However, it's been eating at you all this time and all you really want is a sincere apology from her. You've attempted to contact her in the interim, and she obviously seems to be avoiding you, which hurts you even more.

Here's my advice. She is not worthy of your friendship! She betrayed your trust by posting something very personal on FB. She has never apologized and doesn't even feel guilty or seem to remember it!

I know it's hard. I've been hurt by "friends," too. If you're not in her "circle" so to speak and don't run into her on a frequent basis, maybe it's time to let go of the hope of rekindling your friendship. I'm sure you have other friends who DO care about you. Be grateful for them, as they are grateful for YOU. Don't waste any more of your valuable time holding a grudge toward the person who betrayed you. She's not worth it. You don't need a "friend" like that.

I'm not original poster - but that's not what she said

[ In Reply To ..]
My understanding is that the friend revealed a significant event about herself (not the poster) on FB. The offense came from her revealing it openly on FB rather than taking the time to pick up the phone and tell her personally. My take is that she feels disrespected because she thought they were better friends than that.

I agree with you; that's the way I - interpreted it, too

[ In Reply To ..]
as if the FB friend posted, for example, that she was getting married--that she herself was getting married, let's say, but didn't first tell the one who took offense, as the one who didn't get the news personally, thought they were 'better friends' than that, and she 'deserved' to be told in person, as opposed to having to read about it on FB along with 'everyone else.'

Interpreted that way too...SM - Old Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
and if that is really the case, I think the OP is holding a grudge for something really minor and which should have been forgotten about a long time ago.

I initially read it the other way - clyde

[ In Reply To ..]
But now that you mentioned it, I re-read the original post and now agree that the "friend" posted something on FB about herself (not the OP) and the OP was offended that she read the news on social media rather than one-on-one.

This changes my advise slightly. The OP clearly has had a one-sided friendship with this woman, and has held onto an unjustified grudge for 3-1/2 years. Then, a year ago, she was upset that her "friend" (during the grudge) went to the movies instead of talking to her in her time of need, and then didn't return her call.

OP, this woman, in her own mind, has been an acquaintance only of yours for at least 3-1/2 years. While I know it hurts that you thought she was a good friend, you need to let this grudge go and find real friends who share your interests, where the relationships aren't one-sided. This woman will never tell you she is sorry because she doesn't see she has done anything wrong in your relationship because to her you are an "acquaintance," and I would agree with her assessment of the relationship, based on your own statement that this has been going on for 3-1/2 years. Relationships change over time and people change over 40 years, especially when that friendship started out in childhood. Most childhood relationships (though not all) do not remain close adult friendships because people change and interests change as they go from childhood to adulthood.

Please stop following her on Facebook. Knowing personal information about her, I believe, has made you believe there is more to your relationship than she believes there is. (And it sounds to me that you are the one who owes her an apology for "letting her have it" in a very public way on social media when she asked you if something was wrong.)

this sounds eerily like what happened between me and - my ex 40-year BFF 4 years ago

[ In Reply To ..]
when my financial situation changed when I was outsourced to Nuance 10 days before Christmas.

All it really mounted to was she accused me of being cheap (and a whole lot more) for not getting her a "token Christmas gift" that year; also because I only had 1 day off (Christmas) after a 10-day stretch followed by another 10-dayer after the holiday, I told her I was exhausted and just wanted to relax alone and did not buy gifts for anyone. This led to a 3-day email fight from Christmas Eve til the day after and then she took it to FB!!

I realized right then I had wasted 40 years on a friendship that did not deserve it and she was truly very juvenile.

I deleted everything and deactivated my FB account and never looked back. Now my life is filled with real friends who care about me instead of "token gifts."

I see her occasionally and am 'cordial' at best (she lives away, only comes up for holidays, weddings, etc) but I got the last laugh on her.

We were both fat and always trying but never losing weight. Well once I got on the Nuance-forced calorie restricted diet, I lost a ton of weight. The last time I saw her she looked overindulged and overbloated and I looked fab, even able to wear tight white jeans for the first time ever. Everyone went gaga over how great I looked and she was seething I could tell.

Move on and hold your head up high. Looking great is truly the sweetest revenge!

I would be honest with her - MTforyears

[ In Reply To ..]
Let her know in a nice way how hurt you were by the things that have happened. I would also tell her how you have missed having her in your life. At the same time, I would treat her more like an acquaintance as in not telling her anything you wouldn't want the rest of the world to know.

I wasn't raised by my biological father, and I have a half-brother I met a few years ago. I immediately felt like I could trust him and like he was there for me through a rough time I was going through with financial issues. He would often tell people my personal business under the guise of "trying to help." After this happened time and time again, I decided to not tell him anything significant going on in my life. I feel much better now, keeping him at a bit of a distance. Believe me I wish this wasn't the case, but he has shown me time and again that he cannot be trusted to be as close as I once thought we were. Good luck with your situation!

Let it go - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
She doesn't sound like much of a friend. I know it's hard to lose a long-term friendship, but if it's causing you to be upset and hurt, it's not worth it. She's made it clear that you're not worth her time. Stop hoping for an apology that you will never get. If a "friend" exudes nothing but negativity or drama or in any other way is unpleasant to be around, I cut my ties with them. I don't need that in my life.

thanks everyone - still sorting this out... - Jean - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
its hard - this is my husbands sister - and it was an engagement - i kind of knew it was coming but we live 1500 miles apart and i never met the guy - but he has some issues in his past that she didnt tell me about but told my husband - and i still dont have a full explanation of those - that aside it hurt to see a ring on facebook and never a phone call - i listened to her cry on the phone every sunday night for 6 mos about how was this ever gonna happen with this guy - but when i needed her (I was home alone this weekend and kind of let a lot of built up feelings get to me) she thought a movie was more important - I just needed someone to talk to - and for clarification i didnt let her have it openly on facebook but in private chat - typed words rather than the emotion in my voice i felt was better - i just laid out my feelings. I want to let it go, but i know i am going to have to see her face to face soon and i dont know how to do that - i feel betrayed in the deepest sense because i was there when she needed it but not so in reverse -

Blowing it out of proportion - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't get why you're upset that your husband's sister confided some things to him rather than to you, and you "still don't have a full explanation of those." You don't deserve a full explanation. These things were disclosed to your husband, not to you. These things in her fiance's past are none of your business. It sounds to me like you put a lot of unspoken expectations on your friends, and enjoy knowing intimate details of their lives and feel betrayed when you don't get the inside scoop. Holding onto this grudge for 3.5 years and then wanting to talk to her about some personal things while you were angry with her has me baffled. If this thing you wanted to talk to her about when she went to the movie was regarding your relationship with your husband/her brother, she was right to go to the movie instead as she most certainly didn't want to be put in the middle between you and her brother, who she feels comfortable talking about personal things with.

I think someone else said it right - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You seem to value this "friendship" more than she does. To her, it seems you are someone she can call to talk to if all else fails, or she can't find any of her "real friends" to talk to. She can expect you to be there to listen, because after all you are family. In her mind, she may assume that you value the relationship the same way and you have many other friends to call and talk to, other than her, and apparently that isn't the case.

I would just let it go. I mean, you don't have to be rude, but I don't really think she owes you an apology. I think she has made it painfully clear to you that the two of you are just not close. So, if you CHOOSE to still be there, when she can't find anyone else, then that's your choice. If you choose just to be polite during family gatherings and leave your relationship at that, that would be your choice as well, but either way, her behavior is her business and she apparently doesn't want you a part of her business.

I don't think that relationship can be restored at all and sm - IMO

[ In Reply To ..]
if I were her, I would definitely not respond to any of your efforts.

You place a lot of unspoken expectations, texting to see if someone can chat and becoming upset when they say they're on the way to the movies - perhaps she was planning to "chat" on her way and didn't understand that you expected her full attention or presence or whatever.

You can certainly say whatever you want to say to her, but I wouldn't really expect an apology or much else. She's been living her life for 3-1/2 years and you've been nursing this wound. I think you have different styles in friendship and the friendship style she has probably isn't going to be satisfying to you. Try joining a club, taking a class, etc. to meet other people who might better be able to fulfill your expectations.

That is EXACTLY what I was going to say! - Took the words right out ...

[ In Reply To ..]
Unspoken expectations is exactly what it is. A large burden of them, it seems.

I would be surprised to hear that she wanted to make up. Being unavailable was a very clear statement of that, but showing no interest in you for 3.5 years should have gotten the point across. She does not want to make up.

You seem to see this only in terms of your own needs. You don't see what you did to her. That is her problem with you.

I agree - JustMe

[ In Reply To ..]
You are putting way more into this than she is. If she chose to disclose an engagement on Facebook rather than calling all of her family, friends, etc., then that is her business, not yours. That's how many people use their social networks, to stay in touch with friends/family who they don't get to see often. You said yourself that she lives 1500 miles away, so apparently the two of you have little interaction. So, say she has 50 people that she wanted to give this information to, your opinion is she should have made 50 phone calls, when she could just announce it? I think you are being quite ridiculous and trying to control someone else's decision.

Then, to put the icing on the cake, you hold this grudge against her, which she may or may not know that you have, for 3.5 years. Then you text her or whatever to set up an appointment of sorts to talk to her about this personal thing going on in your life? I mean, 3.5 years later, she is the ONLY person you can think of to talk to? PLEASE do yourself a favor here and stop this behavior. Delete her from Facebook if her posts offend you and stop having such high expectations of a person who obviously doesn't really think the two of you are close.

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