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what is wrong with me?!??!?!

Posted: May 22, 2011

For the last week or so, my mood has been really down. I havent felt like working at all, just dont care about it. It is not like I am doing a poor job at my work, but I am just not as gung ho as I normally am. I have been really mean to my husband and honestly for no reason - just stupid things that would have never really bothered me usually. And I know I am being mean to him but when I am saying the things to him it is like I just don't care because I want to make him feel bad. And that is not like me at all. And then I feel guilty because he honestly didn't deserve it. My husband told me today that for the last week he has been walking on eggshells around me. He treats me so wonderfully and it is like I am just. It isn't just with him either, I don't know how to explain it but I just havent been myself lately. I am just so unhappy with my life (and my life really isnt bad at all - it just seems like it sucks lately) and everything just seems to be a million times worse than it is really is right now. I have literally been crying for hours today for really no reason, which could be a good thing, but why the heck am I crying??!?! Not PMSing, not pregnant, and even I can't stand myself lately. I spilled something on the carpet today and cried like my dog died!!! I am normally really a calm and collected person. Sure, I have my days, but this is a million times worse than my once in a while bad days. I literally feel so sorry for my husband because he has to deal with me being mean to him for no reason and me crying for no reason and then back to normal. I have been pacing my house and crying for hours today and I have no idea why. I dont know I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening

;

I think you should - mt

[ In Reply To ..]
consider talking to your doctor as this does sound like the classic signs and symptoms of depression; irritability, loss of interest, crying spells. If this goes on consistently, daily for more than two weeks, you should probably get some assistance. Keep in mind that there is not necessarily always a "trigger" for a depressive episode, and that it is not something that anyone chooses to happen, it just does. I have been there, and was there for years before I figured it out, and the best thing I ever did was finally tell my doctor how I felt and got some help, both with medications and someone to talk to. Good luck. Don't beat yourself up.

My advice - The Analog Kid

[ In Reply To ..]
You may want to talk to your doctor about getting some blood work done. I had many of the same symptoms, going from angry and pissy to needy and weepy. I was in menopause, and only in my mid 40's. You don't say how old you are, but you may want to speak to your doctor about either a possible hormone issue or depression that was mentioned earlier. Good luck!

you are not alone - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Life may feel like we are teat up at times. I went through this at about 38 yrs old and soon after stopped getting my period. It was almost PMS 10x worse. I was a mess. Stress can take a toll you may not think you have much of it, but I feel same, struggle to sit down and do the job, bored, unsatisfied. like there is more out there for me to be doing. Consult your doctor but today the answer is to just put you on meds and not really deal wiht the issue.

things have changed, yes - mt

[ In Reply To ..]
and yes, medications are offered first. Why? Because if you cannot think/reason because of chemical imbalances in your brain, talking does not necessarily help to 'deal with issues.' The standard approach is to assess the severity, prescribe appropriate medications to restore the ability to think more clearly, then learn strategies to cope with your situation and, if appropriate, you can then stop taking medication.

OP - please do not be frightened of medications. Ignore the naysayers out there, they know not of what they speak.

Definitely Get Checked Out - Older MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Definitely get checked out. Not to make you feel worse, but no, your husband doesn't have to put up with this, unless you have small children at home. He's putting up with it by choice. Since this isn't your usual pattern with him, he's still got hope in himself, so get help now before that goes away. I ALMOST LOST MY HUSBAND because of my "stuff," and I went for help straight away and I'm good now.

P.S. - Older MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Eeesh, just read my note. I sounded hard. Sorry, I have a lot of sympathy. I just don't believe in risking pushing a good guy out the door. So, this was just a gentle kick in the you-know-what. Since you haven't always been this way, you have more leeway than someone who's just always been horrible for the sake of being horrible, but clearly, this isn't "you."

Thanks for all your replies -

[ In Reply To ..]
I went to my doctor a couple days ago. I was getting worse and worse. I have been hyperventilating and having chest pains - panic attacks, I know - and nightmares every night, not sleeping well at all and so I decided to go in to see him. I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago and have tried a few different medications that didn't help me so took myself off of them. I was also diagnosed with PTSD about 8 years or so ago but stopped taking those because I was embarrassed to be taking anti-psychotics. Some of my symptoms that I have been having lately just seemed like back when I was diagnosed with PTSD but I don't know enough about it; could it really disappear and come back? My doctor does not know about any of my past history really since I moved away a few years and am kind of embarrassed about those diagnoses. I don't really think it would be menopause or anything as I am only in my late 20s but I honestly cannot even stand myself lately and I cant get away from myself. The crying has diminished somewhat, now it is more panicky and still the nightmares but after having tried a few antidepressants I have kind of given up on the thought of them ever helping.

Okay this was really long. Thanks for listening though. It felt good to get that off my chest.

I am glad you went - mt

[ In Reply To ..]
Please do not be embarassed about any diagnosis in the mental health spectrum. The largest misconception in the world about mental health is that the patient has some control over how they feel and how they perceive their world. This is why you get 'helpful' friends and family telling you to just cheer up, pull yourself up, clean your oven and other such nonsense. There is a very good reason why so many psychotropic medications exist - when your brain chemistry is in crisis, you do not have the ability to cope with the stressors of life, not because you do not want to, but because you literally cannot. There are many medications out there because people's body and brain chemistry are all different and what works in one situation may not in another. Similarly, the dose of a medication to achieve a therapeutic level is completely individual.

As to diagnoses recurring, if you have had an episode of mental health issues requiring medication to assist with, you are 66% more likely to experience another.

The most successful treatment plans for mental health diagnoses have proven to be medication in combination with 'talk' therapy once the medication stabilizes one's thought processes.

I really hope you will continue to receive help for this and know in your heart that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. No one else's opinion about this matters other than your medical care providers.

I wish you luck and health.

I agree with everything in the previous post - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
especially about the wide variety of meds and individual dosing regimens.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 40, though I know I suffered with the symptoms for most of my adult life. Early on they were pretty much as you described yours. I was very resistent to the idea of taking medications during my 30s. I was a single parent and threw myself 100% into my job, worked hard, raised my son, maintained financial independence, bought a house, etc. All the while the untreated disorder escalated in severity and duration, to the point where it became chronic. I also developed anger and hostility issues that affected my relationships with adults, tended to isolate and bury myself in over-achieving in my job. I ignored other health issues (chronic pain from endometriosis that ultimately required surgery and back pain from degenerative disk disease).

At 40, I had a complete physical breakdown, accompanied by what used to be called a "nervous breakdown" that required inpatient treatment. That was when I was diagnosed with chronic depression, major episode, acute and PTSD. I spent 30 days in the facility. The first week or two I was given meds and dosages were titrated, then began participating in group and individual therapy, biofeedback and stress management protcols. The psychiatrist told me I had literally tried to work myself to death.

I am 62 now and have taken the meds ever since. Once I found the right medications for me at the correct dosage, the difference they have made in my life is like night and day. I take an antidepressant (Wellbutrin) and an anti-anxiety pill (Buspar). I have taken a few medications holidays in the interim, only to find that within a few months, the symptoms resurface.

In terms of the PTSD, the incidents that underpin this condition occurred many years ago, essentially during the first half of my life. Amazingly, the PTSD can STILL be triggered unexpectedly from time to time. For the most part, the symptoms have lessened considerably with the help of medications, but as recently as a few months ago, I had an episode sneak up on me in a public setting, just sitting in a doctors office waiting to be seen. So yes, PTSD and depression can come and go and come back again, at least by my own personal experience.

Every persons case is different from the others, so what worked for me may not be what is right for you. You seem to have something going for you that I lacked in my life, that being a supportive and loving partner. For his sake and for yours, I hope you may learn something of value from the mistakes I made in my own journey. Depression is really no different than any other physical illness you may develop in the course of your life. There is help out there for those who seek it. Taking those first steps toward it are difficult, but well worth the effort.

That sounds a lot like how my particular form of - depression manifests itself. (s/m)

[ In Reply To ..]
People start walking around on eggshells near me, too. Instead of just being "down", I get very thin-skinned, and all someone has to do is look at me wrong and I'm ready to knock their head off. Everything irritates me. I become very sensitive to sound, and during those times will make life a living hell for anyone who lives upstairs from me and turns their TV up too loud! I also lose interest in things I normally enjoy. And even if I start to enjoy something somewhat, my depressed mood will always say to my brain, "Oh, no you don't! No fun for you! Now stop it!" Or something to that effect anyway. Once while deeply depressed, I talked myself into taking a long bike ride. I was starting to enjoy the ride, the fresh air, and the scenery, and then it was like a big hand clamped down and refused to allow me to enjoy it any further. So, I finally turned around and went home.

That's the other manifestation of my particular form of depression that's kind of troublesome: Exercise, which usually helps most people, will make my mood even WORSE. I once made the mistake of going for a run around the neighborhood one night when I got home from work during a particularly bad depressive episode, and after all those endorphins kicked in, I was practically homicidal. (A friend once suggested that maybe I'm allergic to endorphins. I have no idea, never got that checked out.)

I can do the crying thing, too, but usually for me, its just a black, irritated mood with an I-dont-care-anymore attitude.

Anyway, you know yourself and your body best. If you just "ain't doin' right", it would probably be wise to get a physical & talk to your doctor about it. You COULD maybe have a thyroid problem, or it could be a bout of depression. But once you find out what may be causing it, then you can set about finding a way to treat it, and you'll eventually feel 1000% better.

Good luck!

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