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Could things have gone more wrong? - a little long


Posted: May 7, 2010

Some of you may remember my posting last fall about my daughter who went away to college only to break her arm and wind up with three roommates who did nothing but party.  All she wanted was to go to college and study anthropology.   Her quad-mates all turned out to be drunks, as well as the guys in the room across the hall.  Within three weeks of starting school she had broken her arm.  She was quite literally totally alone, but tried to stick it out rather than change rooms.  Bad mistake!

Right after winter break the roommates were really nice to her and she decided to go along with them to a frat party where they plied her with booze.  She got intensely sick and then was abandoned by them, had no way to get back to the college. 

My daughter  has a panic disorder and a seizure disorder, and after this incident (she was safe, thank God) she had a "nervous breakdown," came home and had panic attacks at the thought of going back.  She eventually withdrew (at her father's encouragement, against my protestations - I still think she should have moved into a different dorm), and applied to another state school close to home where she could commute from home. 

Because of all the trauma of the first semster her grades, of course, suffered badly. She had been an honor student all through high school, and was basically at the C level in college - broken arm, drunken roommates coming and going at all hours, two weeks with swine flu - Still she felt she could made a fresh start and get everything back on track. 

Yesterday she got a curt letter from Admissions at the college she applied to transfer to, saying the committee could not recommend her for admission.  No explanation, no chance to protest or discuss. 

So here she is in May of what was supposed to be her Freshman year of college, her friends all talking about final exams at their schools, and excitement of finishing their Freshman year, and she's being left behind.  I could cry. I have cried.  I don't know how to help her! 

I don't really know what I want to get out of this post, other than having a place to talk about it.  My insides turn over every time I think about it.  She's such a good kid - doesn't party, just wants to pursue her education, and suddenly it's yanked out from underneath her.  She doesn't want to go to Community College - in her words, only "morons" do that and it's too much like high school.  I don't know that she will have a choice.

Well, thanks for listening (or reading as the case may be) :)

;

Well... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
"Right after winter break the roommates were really nice to her and she decided to go along with them to a frat party where they plied her with booze." This is a direct quote copied and pasted from your post...I'm sorry, but your daughter is not completely innocent here. She knows about her disorders, yet she still drank. Did they force the drinks on her, making her drink...highly doubtful. Perhaps she tried alcohol and had a bad experience, and hopefully learned her lesson. I feel for her and you, but you both just need to pick up the pieces and move on. A quarter or so at a community college won't kill her...

perspective - sssdt

[ In Reply To ..]
With respect, I think you need some perspective here.

Your daughter is an adult and she made choices. She chose to stay in the dorm with her friends, to go out drinking, to drop out of school. Those roommates are not entirely to blame: If she wanted to study, she could have found a library, an abandoned classroom, some place off campus. There are ALWAYS places to study.

She's also choosing to take a single letter from the state school she wanted to go to as the final answer, when I doubt anyone else would just give up so easily, and she thinks she's too good for community college.

Sounds like she has a LOT of growing up to do. Do you not have any state schools in your area which take pretty much anyone as long as they are a resident? Can you really not call the college she was denied to and ask for a probationary semester so she can prove herself?

You do need to be there for her, but you need to also let her know that she isn't just going to have things handed to her. Take a day or two, calm down, and then start doing some planning.

community college - cj

[ In Reply To ..]
Many, many highly successful individuals in professional careers have at some point attended community colleges. Perhaps she needs a reality check in that regard. My daughter attended a community college for three years because she wanted to go to school out of our state and we could not afford the nonresident university tuition. So she moved there and after three years of community college there, during which time she established her residency, she transferred to the university where she graduated with honors. from there she applied to law school where she graduated 2nd in her class, law review, and was magna cum laude. she now practices law with a large firm and has a wonderful position with them. I don't think she was a "moron" for attending a community college, do you?

Sounds like she has had a dose of reality and a lesson - in consequences of her decisions. (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds to me like she has been sheltered too much and enabled so that when it came time to be responsible for herself and make better decisions (company, drinking, transportation), she wasn't as prepared as she should have been.

It sounds like you still would like to keep her that way, too.

She will have another chance to go to school but she needs to learn to live on her own. She probably will not forget what has happened and learn from it -- probably better than you will.

I actually think that the learning in college... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
goes beyond what you learn in the classroom. There is a lot of growing up that is done in the dorms and dealing with roommates without the help of parents. You should not shelter her or try to move dorms or whatever. I find it hard to believe that every other kid in her dorm is bad and she is the good one. That really doesn't make sense. The problem is that she dropped out instead of dealing with what was going on. All roommate situations have problems, but it is a learning experience.

Community College - travelinMT

[ In Reply To ..]
Excuse me but your daughter needs a reality check with her holier than thou attitude. Many successful people in all walks of life have gone to a Community College for a couple of years to get alot of their required undergraduate courses out of the way without paying the University fees to do so. They then transfer those (moron)credits to a University or State College to finish out their degree. We used to say when I was in (moron college) that it was high school with ash trays but guess what, we did a hell of alot of growing up in that situation. Yeah I did the sorority thing, went to the frat parties, hung out in the lounge and didn't go to class and when grades came out I only had to answer to myself. Mommy and Daddy didn't have to sign my report card or demand to see my grades and I got the dose of reality all on my own. It only took one semester to make me realize I was on my own and I was responsible for myself. From then on no one said "Let's go get a burger or Let's hang out in the student lounge", with me going "OK". Your daughter got her dose of reality, just like I did and now it is time for her to pick herself up and get on with her education. She isn't the first one that had a lousy first semester at college and she won't be the last.

So try cyber-schooling, why attend from a dorm? - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

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