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New Stepdad WARNING LONG

Posted: Mar 5, 2011

Ok, I need to know if I am overreacting or what. My mom, who is 59, started seeing someone 3-1/2 weeks ago. I was so happy for her. He seemed like a nice guy. He is 56. Well, they started staying over nights with each other right away. He said he wanted to marry her after 1 week. I was like LOL, yeah right. Ha ha funny you know. Okay well my sister and I went out to eat lunch with mom and the new guy so my sister, who lives 1-1/2 hours away, could meet him. We were both so happy she had found someone. (Note: My sister is 39 years old and her 17-year-old son got his girlfriend pregnant and every weekend my nephew has the baby and with him being only 17 she does most of the care for the baby when he's there. She wouldn't have it any other way, loves the baby to death. ) She had the baby that particular day we went to lunch and he was so precious we were glad to be able to see him. THEN, mom's boyfriend says to my sister how often does your son take care of the baby himself? She said oh he watches him when we're home some and if I have to go to town he watches him. She said but you know a 17-year-old boy is just not capable of fully taking care of an infant himself. So she helps him a lot. That particular day my nephew had went somewhere and wasn't there to stay with the baby so she brought him to lunch, again, no problem because me and my mom were dying to spend time with the baby. Then the boyfriend of mom's says well don't you think you need to make your son take responsiblity for his own baby? Now I do not think that was any of his business. He did not know my sister or her son. She wanted to bring the baby with her anyway so we could see him. My sister just looked at him shocked and said well you know he is a child still himself. There is only so much he can do. I do not mind helping with the baby at all. Okay another note: My mom and I are very close. We talked everyday. She told me everything; I told her everything. When my mom got up to go to the bathroom he looked at me after she'd left and said: Now you need to wean from your mother's tit. I was stunned. He didn't know me well enough to make that judgment about me. I thought it was totally inappropriate. It hurt my feelings, but I just said well I don't think I'm a tit who needs weaning. Mom and I are very close. We talk everyday and we're just close, that's all. She comes over frequently. Just a close mother and daughter. Well, I didn't say anything to my mom for a couple of days and then I did. She asked me what I thought of him and I told her he was arrogant and a smarta**. She had no comment except to say he didn't mean anything by it. I said okay. I said I think it was inappropriate for him to tell my sister what her son should and should not do when he didn't know her. She said oh he didn't mean anything by it. Just basically blew it off. I was hurt, but I told her I'm happy for her and that was that. Then I noticed a change in my mom. She stopped going to church. He said he wouldn't go so I guess she decided she wouldn't either. When I called her she didn't talk like she used to. It was always yes or no or okay talk to ya later so I said well she has her own life now. When asking anyone about him nobody likes him. Everyone says he is a crap starter, a snake in the grass, always talking about someone. I told my mother after what I'd heard about him that I think before she ever married him one day she should write up a will leaving her house to her kids IF that is what she wanted. Because the house is paid for and is worth over $200,000. She said okay yeah. Well 2 weeks into the relationship she tells me she has married him. Just like that, didn't tell anyone just went and done it. Okay my husband has a court date in Texas for something from 17 years ago that just popped back up. A friend calls my husband and says this guy was in the store where they worked talking about my husband and tellling all our business and just putting down on my husband. The friend knew too many details that couldn't have been known unless the man had told her. So my husband got mad about that and when I mentioned it to mom she said she didn't believe it. Then she said the friend of ours was lying. I said how can they be lying when the only people who knew were you and your husband and this friend knew details we hadn't told her. Of course he told her. Then mom said well he didn't mean anything bad by it. You don't need to act that way, etc. Bascially taking his side. Okay she has been seeing this man less than a month and is already married him, takes his side on everything, anything I tell her he says she blows it off. She has changed incredibly I think. Am I overreacting or do I have a reason to be upset?

;

Wow! No I don't think you are over-reacting! - lillee

[ In Reply To ..]
I would not be able to give you any advice, but anyone with a brain would see this is not right. It sounds like a Lifetime Network movie! Three weeks is definitely not long enough to get to know someone well enough to marry. I would very much fear for your mother's well-being. Unfortunately, she is an adult, too, and there may not be much you can do other than let her know you care and will be there to help pick up the pieces when this ends badly. Eventually, the infatuation will wear off and she'll start to see him as he really is, and if and when that happens, she'll need your support. But you may need to back off a bit to keep her from feeling she has to choose between you and him. He'll win, at least for now.

Good luck to you and your family and especially your mom. I hope everything works out!

After reading this, I am not sure that I think - anon2

[ In Reply To ..]
that anything he did was all that bad. I do not know your sister, but do probably think that if your nephew at 17 is old enough to make a baby, he needs to grow up and take care of that baby. My opinion and, apparently, your new step dad's too. You think it is none of his business. It probably isn't. It's not really any of mine, either, so don't listen to him. Your sister's prerogative . Maybe your mom agrees with him to some extent and that is why she sides with him. I don't really know.

What I do know is that your mother is a grown woman and, as much as you think that this man should keep his opinions about you, your sister, and all other situations to himself, you should probably keep your opinions of him to yourself. Just my advice. You probably will not win against your mother's husband. My mother has a boyfriend whom I can't stand, but he is not going anywhere, so I try not to say anything negative. If your step dad is being negative and you are not, you look better, don't you think?

agree with this post - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
In my opinion, it's disgusting to be talking to your mom - with whom you are so very close - about what she intends to do with the house in her will.

Sorry kiddo, children are not spouses. In my parents' will, the house was left to the remaining spouse, not the kids.

Your mother has the right to her own life. You need to keep your nose out of it.

Disagree - A child myself

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think it's disgusting for her to talk to her mother about the will. She is flesh and blood, and this guy is new on the scene, and in my opinion creating trouble already. The mom's kids are grown, and in many cases when a person remarries later in life provisions are made that the kids get a large part of the estate. In many cases the new spouse gets what was acquired after the two married and is theirs jointly. In any event, you hear stories all the time where a guy moves quickly to marry the woman with money or property in mind. If he truly loves the woman wouldn't he be trying to get close to the children and be supportive instead of criticizing them from the get-go? I don't like the sound of him.

I'm a child too... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Let me tell you something. I would expect my spouse's resources to be available to me in the event of their death, and I would want the same for them.

OPs mother doesn't owe her anything.

Not disgusting when she has talked to me about it before... - anonymouse...

[ In Reply To ..]
She has told her kids before that the house one day would be left to both kids and be sold with the money being split. If that is not what she wants to do now so be it. Also, this SPOUSE, she has only known 1 month now. There is no way I'd get married to a man I knew 3 weeks and let him get my house in the event something happened to me over my own children. If it was a spouse I had been with a while that is different, but this is a whole different ballgame here. I will leave it to her though.

I agree. Your mother's decisions, good or bad, are none of YOUR business. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xx

Maybe not ALL that bad... - anonymouse

[ In Reply To ..]
Seeing as how he didn't curse me or anything, I guess some could say what he said wasn't ALL that bad, but it WAS arrogant, offensive and an assumption. It was not something you say to someone the first time you meet them, at least in my mind. I did keep my opinion of him to myself until I was asked. THEN I told my mom what I thought...that he was an arrogant smarta$$. She asked, so I told her.

Sounds like a prime JA to me, what I would - sm - ITNMT

[ In Reply To ..]
is this guy cleaning your mother out. I would investigate him, do it on line for a small fee somewhere. See if he has a records, previous marriages, etc. He probably knows the house is paid off and insist she put him on the deed, if so you and your sister will never see the house later in terms of any inheritance or any of the objects inside it, sounds like he would keep it all and not give you anything if your mother happened to predecease him. Your mom was very foolish marrying him so quickly and if she turns out to realize it is a mistake she will never admit it most likely. Just let your mom know you are there for her, keep calling her and having your one-sided calls so she knows you care at least. You might want to get medical power of attorney too if she will agreed. If she has not made a will then get her too, not in his presence though. Good luck.

I would feel the same way you do - Concerned for your mother

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, first of all your assumption about him is right on target. This man is not to be trusted, and I believe he will hurt your mother, either physically or definitely emotionally. I would be in fear for your mother, because I believe he will take everything she has, and definitely make her break off her relationships with her family. Your mother is his meal ticket and he will definitely cash in on everything she has. He also knows he can talk your mother into anything and get away with it. I would be furious for having gone to other people and talked to them and actually damaged your credibility. This man is probably very cruel and has a bad past history. I don't mean to make you afraid, but I believe he would go to steps to actually get your mother out of the picture or to threaten other members of her family. The fact that he said what he did to you makes me know he is dangerous. I truly hope you will be able to talk to your mother, and I believe you should do a background check on this man, and then show what you found to your mother. Even if she is upset by this, it may mean saving her from something disastrous. All the very best to you.

Some women just need a man, no matter what - loculated

[ In Reply To ..]
kind of a low-life idiot he is. First of all, if some man had used the phrase \"wean from your mother\'s tit\" to me, I would have leaned across the table and slapped his face. Sadly, your mother needs this man for whatever reason. Some women can\'t see through jerks whether they are 14 or 59. My advice is stay out of this guy\'s way completely. Try to remain in your mom\'s life as much as you can because she will need you when the truth comes out about him.

My sentiments, exactly - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
I feel the same way you do about what he said when the mother left the table. He is low class with a crude mouth. What respect was he showing the mother and daughter when THAT came out of his mouth. Jerk with a capital J. Moms look out for their kids all their lives, and sometimes kids need to look out for their parents.

Wow, classic abusive behavior - Been there

[ In Reply To ..]
This is exactly how classic abusive behavior begins. First, the whirlwind romance and marriage talk within the first week, then the quick marriage. Secondly, he has already begun isolating her from her family, and I'm going to guess her friends as well, though that wasn't mentioned. I hate to say it, but I think your mom is in for a world of hurt in many areas, including financially, emotionally, mentally, and I hope to goodness eventually not physically. If he is controlling the emotional aspects of her life, the other areas, if not already happening, aren't too far behind.

Sadly, as has been posted above (though I mean it in the best possible way), your mother is a grown woman, and you can't tell her what to do. Also as said above, just be sure to keep in contact with her, try not to rise to any bait that he will put out there to you and your sister to react to things that will end up putting your mother in the middle of a blow-out. Document every single conversation you have with him when she is not around, including record it if you can. Not for legal purposes, but for some point in the future, when your mom is confused about what the heck is going on (look up gaslighting in a relationship), you will have proof for her. Her pain at being duped won't be any less, but she will at least know what the truth is. Mark my words, she is probably in for a world of hurt, as is the family, if this guy is left to his own devices.

Bottom line, don't let him run you and your sister out of your mom's life. She is going to need you.

IMO no you are not reacting - HOWEVER (see message) - ComatoseMT

[ In Reply To ..]
Sometmes just like with our children, we have to learn to let them fall when they don't listen to reason or logic.

Sounds like this guy has your mom woven into his web and no doubt he's playing "It's you and me against the world," which is kinda cute when someone is 13 or 14...NOT so cute as an adult.

I'd step a loving step or two back and let her make her mistake. IMO, any further guidance you try to provide may be manipulated by HIM to make it look like you simply don't like him (hence playing the pity card, which of course your infatuated mom will side with him).

This will play itself out for better or for worse and will probably come to an ugly end. Just remember, when it DOES end (and it will), refrain from being tempted to remind her "I told you so." That will be the last thing she needs to hear. Just be waiting with open arms and forgiveness when she comes to accept the fact she has made a horrible (but not irreparable) mistake.

You're a good daughter :-)

I think the 17-year-old.... - Cassie

[ In Reply To ..]
needs to learn some responsibility. If you're old enough to make a baby, you're old enough to learn to take care of it. I was 17 when I had our first baby and my husband was 18. Help is always nice, of course, but he needs to grow up and take some responsibility or he never will. Your mom is old enough to make her own decisions whether you or your sister like them or not. The new husband sounds like a jerk but your mom should be able to make her own choices in life.

Update: I think I will step back... - anonymouse

[ In Reply To ..]
I believe I will step back and let her do what she wants. She is an adult after all. I think she is making a huge mistake, but my opinion is just that, my opinion. I will visit when invited; otherwise, I won't because I feel like he doesn't like me and I don't feel welcome. So if I'm invited by my mom, I will. Also, any time I call her and he's there, she won't talk. It is yes and no answers and then she says I'll call you back. She doesn't call back until he leaves. He is not there when she does talk to me, which is not often. So, I think I should just let her do the calling when she wants to talk. Another weird thing is it is a tradition that my mom cooks Sunday dinner. She would even get offended if you didn't come. I still always wait for her to call and tell us to come eat even though she almost always cooks. This last Sunday she never called, which has not happened in my married life. My mom's friend said she hasn't been to church since she met him either, which is not like my mom. Church was an important thing to her before. I don't know, I just see so many changes, but I'm gonna let her do this her way, and I hope it works out good for her. I think he is a jerk though, and I think eventually she will see his true colors.

It does sound as though... - Cassie

[ In Reply To ..]
this man has changed your mom. That can happen even to grown children, not just parenets. Just support her and love her and be there when she needs you. It sounds like she has already seen the kind of man he is if she won't even talk to you while he's there. I'm sure she's a smart lady and will figure out her next move. I wish you and her both a lot of luck. : )

re: anonymouse - maximo

[ In Reply To ..]
So step back and let mom do her thing. BUT, if this relationship starts to intensify, what I would do, hopefully the rest of the fam will back you up, is to encourage mom to get a prenup and/or talk to a lawyer about protecting her property and assets.

That is something anybody entering a new relationship should do. Tell her not to take it one sided either.
Encourage her boyfriend to do the same.

My aunt was involved in a whirlwind relationship, married a jerk off after about a month. She did not protect anything. He turned out to be a professional moocher. He aggressively kept family from her, took over her accounts, put himself on the house papers, changed her will, got a safe deposit box and put away her valuables... on and on. Anything valuable, he took control of. Opened accounts in her name...

He, by the way had no real work history and nothing of value in his name. Was estranged from his own family, inculding his kids.

about 1 1/2 years into it she finally started to tell us she felt like a prisoner, that he was probably cheating, that she was nearly out of money and she was feeling helpless.

It took a great lawyer and quite some time, but she's free of him. She is darn lucky to still have her home, most of her money is gone. Her jewlery is gone, a lot of her valuables are gone. After their divorce, he left town, we assume to start his scam all over again.

Beware! He might be your mom's new BF! (i say that in all seriousness...)

She can't get a prenup after the marriage - He's her husband now

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I would still...sm - leary

[ In Reply To ..]
Get a background check on him, just keep it quiet and see what kind of info you get. If he is squeaky clean then just let your Mom do her own thing and hope that it will all work out for the best. If you find out anything about him that you feel puts her at risk, physically, financially, etc. then you will have to decide where you want to take that info from there. The relationship is still new but there are signs that seem suspect to me, like her stopping church, shying away from her family, not talking to you with him around. It sounds like she already has something she knows that she doesn't want to admit/tell your or face herself yet. Sure newlyweds like their alone time but they still don't cut off their immediate family. Just sit back and see where it goes but I would have that background info just in case something turns ugly in a hurry that you know what she/you are up against and you can act immediately. I wish her luck and you too. It is hard to feel like you are losing your Mom, especially when you have been really close your entire life.

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