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daughters

Posted: Apr 16, 2017

my daughter forgot my birthday so I sent her an e-mail telling her i was disappointed and she sent me an e-mail back telling me how she felt - that I neglected her when she was child, I was a failure as a mother, and that I never made her or my grandchildren a priority. How am I supposed to feel after that? My heart is just broken. Please pray for me; I can't feel anything but hurt and unloved.

;

I doubt you were a bad mother - achingheart

[ In Reply To ..]
I understand how you feel when you are estranged from your child and how they blame you for everything. It is not true and you have to keep telling yourself that.

It says in the Bible that children will turn on their parents, daughter against daughter, etc. I have a son, my only child and though he is in his 40s, he refuses to talk to me about our relationship which was deliberately ruined by his father and stepmother.

I have the most horrible ache and feel that my whole life has not accounted for anything, so I understand the sadness you carry. It is awful to try to carry it alone.

I will pray for you and imagine God will do for you, but I am not able to believe He will do anything for me. I have lost my entire faith over this thing in my life that cannot be worked out and the irreparable damage his father and stepmother did to our relationship.

No one can describe the hurt either unless they have felt it.

Feel free to write me if you like. I will try to answer you.

Hang in there. It is hard, but somehow you do. It has been years for me.

How do you know - she was a good mom

[ In Reply To ..]
There are mothers out there who are not fit to raise a chicken, let alone a child. I know because my mother was one of them. She spent her time doing other things, drinking beer all night in the local bar, while leaving us alone at night, without a baby sitter. She'd just walk out the door and not return until nearly dawn, then we'd have the sheer pleasure of hearing her and her boyfriend proceed to spend the next hour or so in an act of passion. Needless to say, we were sleep deprived, and paid dearly at school when our grades were issued. She would say, "I know I was a bad mother." As if that was an apology. Neither of us showed up at her funeral and as for me, the only productive child reaching a decent life, expected me to care for her as she aged. She left her small collection of gratitus remarks in her obituary for a neighbor girl after I replaced her furnance, teeth, took her to doctors, sent her money amounting to 10 grand over the length of my adulthood. She was cruel and unusual, raised in an institution and really "gave what she got" in her parenting but that does not make it any easier for us to understand. I did not go to a doctor until a knee injury, other than birth, had no vaccinations other than polio and had all 3 Measles, mumps and chicken pox. She just left me laying there like a farm animal. Later, she had no recollection I had mumps on both sides simultaneously. Fact is, my mother hitched a ride on my father's wallet via getting pregnant. She once said, "I wish I knew what love was." Her damaged psyche left a chain reaction and the misery is now taking place in her grandchildren. Some women should not have children. Parents have a job to do, validate their children, teach them through example, protect them from predators. Every child abused by an outsider is also a neglected child. It is possible this daughter had been exploited and her mother is not even aware of it.

This is positively cruel to both the OP and to me - achingheart

[ In Reply To ..]
This is so cruel of you to do. You know nothing of that mother.

No we are not all perfect, but not like yours was for sure.

You insulted me as well as the OP and this is a board that you are to use for helping, not pouring salt in an already wounded person.

What a bitter, sick reply. - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
You know nothing of this woman's situation and to impose your own history upon someone else who is requesting emotional support shows that you lack empathy and decency. Shame on you.

Well wasn't that response a 1-star sh*t parade! - I bet that one kicks people when they are down jus

[ In Reply To ..]
That has to be one of the most toxic and inappropriate responses I've ever read. I think some counseling is in order.

Sad - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Do not take such behavior and comments to heart. Your daughter is the one who needs prayers to bring her to her senses. Hopefully she will grow up and see what damage is done with words. If I were in your shoes, I would simply stay away from her for awhile; had to do the same thing with a niece of mine. Some things have to work themselves out.

Is there any truth in what she said or is she being unreasonable? sm - Maybe an apology

[ In Reply To ..]
Is there anything to what she said? If so, it's not too late to make amends. My nephew has not spoken to my SIL in 5 years and says that he will not until she apologizes for his childhood. She doesn't think she has to give one, that they need to leave things in the past. The truth is, if there was neglect and if she and her children were not a priority, then an apology and new actions would go a very long way.

daughter's email - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
For the record - this is what she said in her e-mail which I copied:

You are a very hurtful, angry and unhappy person. I hope you get some help to work through all of the reasons why. I have been neglected and hurt by you most of my childhood. I have had to work hard to be a functional wife and mother. I have failed as a daughter in the same way you have failed as a mother. You may be right in all of the ways that I fail to give you what you need but, you also have not made me or your grandchildren a priority, ever. It takes two to change and if one of the two doesn't think they need to change too, then there is no point in having a toxic and unhealthy relationship. I will always love you even if you can't like me.

So, am I over-reacting? How could I not be hurt by being told I am a failure as a mother. There is no way I did not make her or my grandkids a priority. She showed up on my door one day with the 2 of them after leaving her husband and they lived with me twice for a long period of time. Not to mention that fact that we babysat the 2 grandkids while she was out cheating on her husband and lying about it. I could go on and on. I just feel so hurt, no other way to describe it. It is so hard for me to accept that she would say something like that to her own mother- I would never say things like that to mine. If you don't want to pray for me, that's fine.

Possibilities - kinda been there

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe she thinks what you've done for her is what's supposed to be done and nothing special (living with you, babysitting, etc). Maybe she wants more (like having her kids spend summer with you). My daughter didn't like her childhood much either, and I can't blame her for it, but times get tough and parents can only try to do their best. At this point, maybe it's time to give her the space she seems to be asking for. Tell her you love her and want a better relationship but for now will give her time to settle down. Feel free to let her know that her email hurt you if you want. You don't need a toxic relationship either. If it's better for you to wait for her to calm down, then you can use the time to relax also.

Some insights - MTgirl

[ In Reply To ..]
As a daughter who has had some of the same feelings apparently as your own, may I offer some insight?

Your daughter said "I have failed as a daughter" I too failed as a daughter, as a person in my mother's eyes. I was never good enough, never loved, never perfect, never who my mother wanted, no matter how hard I tried. At some point, she will give up trying to please you, to be the perfect daughter you want. She's a human being, deserving of love and understanding no matter who she is, what she does or mistakes she makes.

She says she failed to give you what you need. My mother needed me to be a reflection of her, her proof that she was a good mother. Is your daughter someone you are ashamed of, she's not meeting your needs as a perfect daughter? You are like, how dare she say those things to me, you'd never say things like that to your own mother. I get it, she's not the perfect daughter. But you're on an anonymous board telling strangers that she cheated on her husband and lied about it. How would she feel if she knew you were sharing that information about her?

I would try as hard as I could to not ask my mother for any kind of help. I never, ever asked for money. Anything I ever asked of her, she never failed to keep reminding me of. As if asking for help (reassurance, love, understanding) was too much to ask from her. She resented me asking for just basic understanding. So I learned to be self-sufficient.

It took me a long time to make peace with my childhood and your daughter will too. I'm no longer angry with my mother, but it took a long time with her being out of my life.

Give her time to be alone and find out who she is, to forgive herself for not being the perfect daughter you want and expect her to be.

Your daughter sounds passive-aggressive.. - mommy2

[ In Reply To ..]
First she starts out by saying extremely hurtful things to you and then says she will always love you even if you can't like her. You are not over-reacting. Your daughter sounds very bitter towards life. If I were you, I would write her a letter and tell her all the good things you have done for her in her life and I am sure there are plenty. Then after you send the letter to her, I wouldn't lose any more sleep over the mean things she has said to you and just enjoy your life.

passive aggressive - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I think it is particularly funny that you should mention passive-aggressive. She says that I am passive-aggressive and have issues. I do not intend on writing her a letter or sending an email or anything. All of our "toxic," as she puts it, relationship has been going on for well over 20 years and I just can't handle any more of it. I do intend to just move on. I am just at this point not looking forward to Mother's Day - I am sure I will have a really good cry.

To the OP - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It makes it hard to move forward to a better relationship with your daughter when you/she/both bring up issues from the past. You cannot undo the past. You BOTH have to get over it. You both also do need a cooling off period. It would be my suggestion that when you do speak again that YOU apologize for whatever it is that has upset her and made her feel like you are/were a horrible mother. Do not justify or defend yourself or necessarily agree with her accusations, whatever they are. Do not be accusatory to her for whatever reasons you may rightfully have. What you need to do is say in similar words is, "I am sorry if I have hurt you in the past. I love you. Let's start a new relationship today and leave the past behind." See if she can agree to that. When people continually rub salt in old wounds, they just cannot heal. Agree to accept each other for who you are TODAY, that includes her ignoring your birthday or any other faults she may have. Time heals a lot. I do believe your daughter will contact you on Mother's Day. She said she loved you even if you could not like her. Learn to like her as she is, warts and all, tell her you love her and you want a better relationship. Go from there. If she does not contact you on Mother's Day, then give it more time and still try to start fresh. You can lead by example if it is worth it to you. She probably forgot your birthday and then became very defensive when you attacked her for it. Try not to do that. Life is short, my dear. Swallow your pride and try to fix this. If you are confronted with insults, etc., just accept that and say, "We will talk another time," and leave the ball in her court.

Good luck to you.

Not going to happen... - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Both my daughter and I have tried all of the suggestions you have all stated and we have gone through this many, many times and have tried many, many ways and conversations, etc. to get past it but nothing has seemed to work over the course of a long time. I do love her and know that she loves me, we just cannot seem to be able to be mother-daughter, not even friends. We have tried everything. I pray to God every day for a solution but there is just no way to fix it- too much "water under the bridge" I guess. I thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

To OP - anonie

[ In Reply To ..]
Your situation sounds like me and my son. He is 43 and his father vindictively got me out of his life in one way or another and deliberately.

His mother also did the same thing to his real father and they had no relationship.

I too want to talk with my son, but he refuses. He seems not to want to hear my side of anything and his father went out on me yet, I have paid for the divorce.

I won't call him and I won't write him. I have been hurt so many times by him and he is sounding like his father. That is like de ja vu to me. It is like it triggers a lot of anxiety in me.

I have not had good luck with men. The ones in my life were all not attentive and did as they pleased not being what they should have been to me, father, husband, son. So thus no healthy relationships.

I wish I could tell you this gets better, but I miss my son so much. I won't have grandchildren at all of my own, blood ones anyway. That hurts. He is my only child, another hurt.

I have tried to go on, but I come to the end where I only have cousins and my wayward and irresponsible, hurtful son. I am angry at God because I have prayed and prayed and nothing happens for long. It is always ruined by something.

I will keep praying for you and your daughter.

I am not looking forward to Mother's Day. I can't go to church on days like Mother's day or father's day or other of the other holidays we celebrate. It always reminds me of what I don't have.

to anonie - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I am so sorry I brought up your pain. It does, however, make me realize there are more people in the same situation who can understand what we go through. Besides the daughter, I lost her brother, my son, traumatically years ago and when I needed her when that happened she went to go be with a boyfriend. You can just imagine how that feels. This daughter had 2 boys who I never get to see and probably won't ever agein. Sometime life really makes you wonder why... all the pain. I am really sorry. I will pray for you as well.

To OP - anonie

[ In Reply To ..]
You did not bring up my pain. I have had it for so long, only it really hurts at certain times of the year, i.e. Mother's Day.

Anyway, no one knows how we feel unless they have been through it themselves. I just do not understand where God has been. I prayed and prayed because I knew that my ex would hurt our son and use him and he did. You'd think that my son would realize that and be a little angry with his father.

Anyway, thanks for the prayers and I will hold you in mine for peace and to be able to get through Mother's Day.

These psychiatrists seem to like to blame mothers the most. Father's have something to do with the way a child turns out too as well as genes and would you believe genealogy. The thing about the sins of the fathers seems to be happening to me from both sides of my family.

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