The start of a long road -

My marriage has been rocky for many years, ever since my husband quit work to build his own home-based business six years ago after a car accident.  I had always supported him in his wish to make his own business, it had been his dream for years (we've been married 24 years).  I even agreed to become the breadwinner while his business was getting off the ground, which was possible because I think I have the last well paying MT job in the country.  Anyway, sharing an office for six years didn't work out quite like I'd hoped.  He's gotten more angry and mean, rejecting, which is nowhere near the person I married.   I won't say emotionally abusive, quite, but it was just a matter of time.  The whole household has been tiptoeing on eggshells, now, for years, and it's become almost a him-against-us for me and the kids (19 and 21).

Last weekend it came to a head and in a moment of I-have-had-it! I threatened to kick him out, which I had not yet ever said because I knew I couldn't make the threat if I wasn't sure I would follow through on it.  After the blowup, he shut down for a day, then came to me and said he wanted to make this work (been there, done that).  But then he said he would come to counseling with me, which he's always flatly refused to do (I've been in counseling for two years), and contacted a support group for people with chronic depression, which he's starting to night. 

He says he loves me so much and will do anything to make sure we stay together, and I'm sure he means it.  But now when I say I love him I feel like I'm crossing my fingers behind my back.  I don't know if it died, but it's gotten well buried and I'm afraid to let it out again.  He gets hurt if I don't say "I love you" back, and I don't want to lie, so I sidestep it.  But I don't want to use that as a blockade, either.  I'm afraid he'll get discouraged and stop trying. 

It's early - only less than a week, and my counselor is out of town until next week.  I have a feeling this is going to be a struggle, but hopefully one that will end happily, but Oh, it's hard right now.  All I want is to not be having to think about it all the time!

Anybody else been there?