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My mother and my sister are fighting AGAIN! They do this every year during the holidays!
Posted: Dec 23, 2010
I try to be the peacemaker and remain neutral, but this year my sister has taken to posting on facebook! Is that not the most juvenile thing you have every heard??!!?! Of course, she is slanting the facts to make her look like the victim. My mom will never see it because she never uses a computer, doesn't even have email. However, I'm a little aggravated because there are all these people on my sister's friends list commenting on it basically telling my sister what a wonderful person she is and stuff like that. I just really felt like I needed to say something because my sister has always painted this picture of our mom as some sort of wicked witch and she's absolutely not. My sister is one of those sensitive sorts that feels like mom is critcizing everything she does. Our mom is like most mom's, she thinks her way is best and so she tells us when she thinks we aren't doing something right. I take it all in stride because sometimes mom is right.
At Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house this year, my sister got completely bent ouf shape because my mom asked her where the paper towels were and she didn't have any and so my mom asked what am I supposed to wipe my hands on? My sister go mad when my mom, in a very friendly way told my brother-in-law (my sister's husband) that he was carving the turkey in too small pieces. Little things like that eat my sister up.
My brother and I, since we've became adults, have always just laughed mom off. I've found when she's being too critical, just wave her off and make a joke. She laughs and that's that. My sister acts as though she is being crucified. It's ridiculous! And now she's posting on facebook where all the strangers, who have no clue what kind of woman my mother is, can post their barbs at my mom's expense. I feel like I need to post and defend my mother. It's one thing when my sister and my mom are fighting privately, I don't feel I need to be involved, but when my sister posts it on the internet like a child, I feel like I have to say something. It's just not right. Then again I feel like if I post I'm becoming a part to my sister's drama and I don't want that either.
I swear one year at Christmas, I'm gonna turn off my phone and my PC and just spend it in peace with my kids at home!
;
I would defend your mom - see message
[ In Reply To ..]To me it sounds like your sister did the FB thing because she knew your mom would not see it and she wanted everyone to be on her side. If it was my sister I would post a message up on her page and tell the whole story. My mom (when she was alive) always told me there are always two sides to a story. If my sister did that I'd also give her a piece of my mind and call her a coward and say instead of working out your difference with mom you have to air your grievances on a board to get everyone to side with you when they don't know the the whole story. Then I would threaten my sister and tell her I'm going to show the page to mom. Mom's are mom's. My mom did a lot that irritated me, but she never did things on purpose, it was just her way. I can remember going back for xmas and bringing a picture back that I made by cross stitch to get it framed. She had her way of doing things and she would even come out and say "my way is better". I'd laugh and let her do it her way (it also always turned out perfect). Mom's are mom's and treasure all the time you have with her. And your sister should too. If she was my sister I'd tell her to lay off mom and grow up. But I would definitely post a message up on her FB to let all her friends know she was not being fair (or truthful)
I posted and I tried to explain what my mom said and how she meant it. - NKC
[ In Reply To ..]My sister came back and asked me why I was defending her and that I of all people she know how our mother is. So now all these people on FB reading that stuff are now wondering what she meant by "you of all people should know.."
This is how my sister fights. She airs everyone's dirty little secrets. I know how my mom can be sure. There was a time when I was in a bad marriage with no money, no car, bills out the rear because my husband did not work. My mother called me routinely and lectured me about how I needed to kick him out, get my life together, what is wrong with you, you're so smart, why are you so dumb about your marriage.
And yes I would get mad and upset and cry BUT at the same time, she would punctuate her lecture with "you know I love you and I say these things because I just want more for you." And when I filed for divorce she was there to pick up the pieces, loan me money to pay bills, help me learn to manage my money, and help me be a stronger more independent woman.
What I don't understand is how my sister and I could have the same upbringing and she see our mom so completely different than I see her?
I understand totally what you are saying - see message
[ In Reply To ..]My DH said the same exact thing about his siblings. He said how can we have the same exact upbringing but they see their mom and dad differently. I really don't know why that is. Also my sister and I are nothing alike.
My mom was like yours. She was always there for us when we need her. Bailed me out in tough times. Listened when I needed someone and told me some things I didn't want to hear, but I know she wanted the best for me.
It sounds like your sister is having some issues. If I was going through what you are with my sister I think I would tell her that she has some issues with mom and that is between them. I would tell her I don't want to be dragged in the middle of it. I would ask her if she's ever sat down and talked to mom about it. I would ask her to please talk to her and not drag me into it and to not plaster all over FB bad things about mom because its not fair. Unless she wants mom to see it. (you never really know who reads facebook - maybe mom's friends read facebook and I think that would be upsetting to your mom if she knew what was written about her. I guess I always try to see both sides of the story. I wonder how your sister would feel if your mom got on FB and posted the same type of things about your sister and got all these people on her side.
It's a tough one to go through family issues. I wish you all the best and hope your holiday is a good.
Another point of view - MT
[ In Reply To ..]I have been in your sister's shoes. I know what it's like. Have you considered you are doing the same thing? You call her a "sensitive sort," juvenile, ridiculous, like a child? If I had a dime for everytime my mother said I was sensitive, I would be rich.
I'm not defending her posting all of this on Facebook, but there are some forums where I posted anonymously. I just needed to vent and needed support. No one in my family would support me.
I spent my life being criticized by my mom. My mom knew exactly what to say to set me off. She did it on purpose to start a fight, right at the Holidays and everybody would blame me.
You say you are the peacemaker in the family. Please try to understand your sister's pain. She is hurting. She is not a child. Your mother's words really do hurt her. I know, I have the scars to prove it. I don't think they will ever go away. She just wants your mother's love and approval, and no matter how hard she tries, she only gets criticized. Please cut her some slack. I read what you wrote and it made my heart ache.
I guess it's just hard for me to understand when - NKC
[ In Reply To ..]we both had the upbringing by the same woman. You think she'd be used to it by now.
Used to it? - MT
[ In Reply To ..]Its like an open wound. Some time passes and it scabs over, but then those words come and open it up all over again.
Maybe it has to do with family dynamics. Does she treat the 2 of you differently? I certainly got the lectures, but rarely got praise or approval. We all see things through different prisms.
When my mother was lecturing me, I felt like she was ashamed of me, like I could not make a mistake or be human, like I was incompetent. When I had to ask for help and admit I was human, she never let me forget it. It was as though my mother's love was conditional. In order to get her love and approval (never came), I had to do and be the daughter she wanted. What about who I am and what I want? That's where the conflict lies, why the fights hurt so much. Maybe your sister needs to find her own identity separate from your mother. Hard to separate yourself, like growing pains at any age.
In any case, my own mother died over a year ago and I am learning to breathe now, finding my own identity in my 40s.
moms are perceived to be different - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]My oldest sister and I were raised by the same parents, but we each had a distinctly different experience from them. Why? They were different with each of us; we each had different personalities and styles of dealing with our parents. She was close to my dad and distant from my mom. Opposite experience from me. My dad worried she would never be okay, but never worried about me. Mom only connected with her when mom's dementia played a role, but was always very, very close and controlling with me.
Aren't you doing exactly to your sister what you claim to be defending about your mom? You say your sister should be used to it by now. Well, why aren't you used to your sister's personality style by now? Why can you say it's just the way she is when it comes to your mom but you can't do that with your sister?
Shouldn't you be used to your sister's personality style by now and be able to say, hey, it's just the way she is? Like I said, if you know it isn't going to help the situation (which clearly it didn't).....
I have mixed feelings about this - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I agree with being used to the sister's response to mother by now, and it sounds like the OP and her brother are. However, sister elevated this to a new level by posting it on Facebook.
I guess I come from an era where no matter how dysfunctional the family was, we didn't air it to the world. We would maybe confide it in a couple friends, but to put it up on Facebook for the world to see, and apparently elicit a wealth of sympathy for the sister and boo-hissing at the mother, takes it in my opinion a step too far.
In other words, we can talk all the smack we want about the family within the family, but outsiders should just keep out.
I agree with you. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I have issues with my mom, too (constant criticism, can never do anything right, etc), but would never think about posting anything publicly as the sister did. That is something a child would do, not an adult.
I wouldn't do anything - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]If it bothers you to read what she wrote, block her so you can't see it. When/if you cool down, you can unblock her. If she asks about, you could tell her it upset you to see it and just needed a break.
Really, though, if you post a comment or say anything to her, is there any good that would come out of it? If no, then leave it be.
My dad was like your mom. He had his way and everyone else needed to be set straight lol. When he was buried, we got a call to ask our permission to dig him up and rebury him because they put him in the wrong plot. In the middle of all that grief, we had to laugh thinking about what he would have to say about that!
Sometimes a person feels a need to vent and even has a need to feel accepted and supported by non-family and this happens all the time on Facebook. I recently blocked over 40 people because I have just had enough of pettiness and negative enmeshment issues. They can pick up a phone and talk to me one-on-one to know what I am thinking or going through. As I said, if you don't think it would improve the situation, leave it alone. You can't control what other people do...only how you react to it.
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