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Abusive sister (an update)

Posted: Apr 4, 2015

I posted on the Prayer Board some days ago about my relationship with my sister. Just wanted to add that after she learned from her daughter that I would not be attending Easter dinner with them (obviously), I got a text from my sister, who got her rear end up in the air over absolutely nothing and was refusing to speak to me for a month again. She no doubt feels guilty (if that, indeed is possible for her.) Her text read: I am sorry we do not get along. I hope you have a nice Easter. I will be working."

She knows I have no family of my own. She knew when she threw her last fit there I wasn't about to sit at the table with her on Easter. To wish me a nice Easter under the circumstances is just her way of trying to rid herself of the guilt. She is very mean, very narcissistic, and impossible to get along with for more than a week.

How typical that she owns nothing. A real apology would have taken responsibility for the horrible way she treated me again. I agree with the posters below when they say IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, and that trying to make these people understand or admit to what they have done is useless. I am cutting all ties this time 100% with her. I lay awake so angry at night thinking of all the horrible things she has done, and no way to let it out to her. It would be a screamiing match where she would turn everything back on me.

I also agree with the OP regarding the "mean mother" thread. Counseling is absolutely imperative. My therapist has saved my life, literally. I think it will take a very long time for me to rid myself of the feelings I am having, but I will never, ever allow her to abuse me again. Abusers have serious issues. We don't break them, and we can't fix them. Anyone going through this, please seek help.

;

Good For You! - Congrats!

[ In Reply To ..]
Excellent! Some people think breaking off ties with an abuser (when they're a family member) is not okay. I say an abuser is an abuser. I broke off with my parents completely. I frankly don't want to hang around with abusers, whether they're abusing me or someone else. None of my family or friends abuse their kids, siblings or their spouses, and if they did, I would no longer be connected to them, unless I had to be there to protect the children.

Best of luck to you. You do still harbor a lot of anger. That's actually quite normal, but don't let yourself stew in it. I found that if I tried to tell myself I wasn't angry, it just backfired on me. Let yourself feel the anger, then carry on. You are under no obligation to "forgive" anyone who hasn't apologized and/or made changes.

You are better than she is. She has a serious psychological problem. You have issues as well, but you are not abusing anyone (I hope!)

My very sincere sympathies and congrats for getting out of her clutch!

Thanks so much. You truly understand. - Setting Myself Free

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree that the anger I am feeling is normal. I know I have to find a way to rid myself of it sooner or later. It is the unfairness of the situation that infuriates me. Because of her abuse since I was a child, I have nothing; nothing other than an eating disorder, severe depression and anxiety, etc. She has ruined family parties with her putdowns of me when no one else hears. She treats the other family members fine, and is often considered very funny. I am determined to do this, no matter how difficult. I really hope my therapist can recommend a support group. I am thinking that may help the healing process so I can move on. She has severe problems, but frankly I'm tired of making them mine. My mother also had similar problems, so this has been life-long for me.

About the anger - Mimi

[ In Reply To ..]
I posted below that my mom died about 6 years ago. I felt so much anger, grief, you name it, I felt it. Even after 6 years, I still feel it sometimes. Trying to rid yourself of it will not work. You kind of have to make peace with it, if you know what I mean. I read someplace, feel it to heal it. I tried for some years to deny my anger because it hurt so much to feel, but eventually you just feel it, allow it no matter how much pain. What you went through is unfair and you need to grieve the family you never had, the love you deserved as a child, the support, the acceptance you need, and realize it will never come from them. Let yourself feel the loss, the anger, the grief. I understand the need to move on and I have many, many times felt like I have moved on and yet when mother's day comes or her birthday or the anniversary of her death, some of that anger comes back, but the past couple of years have been easier. All I can say is it takes time, it's hard, it hurts, but try to go easy on yourself and let yourself be angry, frustrated, cry, hit pillows, yell, scream, whatever you need to do to let it out. It will get easier with time. Good luck.

You are Very Welcome - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
The grown-ups are the ones who should have protected you, so don't forget to be angry with them as well. It doesn't mean you have to confront anyone, but you may be more angry with the grown-ups who didn't stick up for you, than you are at your sister. Could be you're placing all the blame on her. That is not saying she shouldn't be to blame, but there are other people in your life who should have been there for you, defended you, etc., and they didn't.

The worst part about this is that she wasn't like that to everybody. When someone is like that to everybody, it doesn't tend to be taken as so personal--or at least it's easy to understand that it's not personal. But when you're the only one in the room being picked on (so to speak), of course you'll take it personally.

I'm not sure why your post would get a dislike. There are some people who just think it's horrible to be angry, let's live in la-la land and forgive and forget. I don't care if the abusers are blood---it's wrong to abuse, period.

Surround yourself with ONLY good people. That's what I have done in my life. I broke off with the abusers (who were blood family members), made myself a wonderful life by choosing a good husband and good friends, and I couldn't be more content and at peace. And I appreciate all the good people in my life and tell them that frequently. THAT is how you move on.

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