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Single moms???

Posted: Sep 6, 2011

I'm not sure it's really a "problem" - more brainstorming and like to hear how others do it. You might remember this past spring that I found out my husband was cheating on me so we got divorced which was final within 8 weeks. Within 2 weeks after that, the ex moved 1700 miles away. He's been back to our state (his whole family lives in my town) once in the last 4 months and that was for 4 days to get married. When he got into town he picked up our son (10 years old) who stayed with them at the hotel while they were here. My son talks to his dad several times a week - i just worry about them not seeing eachother. I don't know if he will be coming back and will see my son for the holidays. Of course, if I ask my ex - i get the ole "i don't know" every time (which i take as i'll let you know when i want to let you know).

My son and I have a good routine, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, i'm very active in his school and extracurricular activities, i take online classes and work full-time as well. His dad pays his child support. I don't date but have close friends i go out with once a month or couple of months. I just worry about that part of him (dad) that's missing from his life.

Anybody else in a similar situation?

;

my opinion - take it or leave it

[ In Reply To ..]
I would stash some of that child support money and send your son to spend time with his dad for the holidays, your treat, and say Merry Christmas to both of them! That would be the greatest gift you could give him and a super nice token for your ex.

Single mom - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Being a single mom for almost 20 years of 2 children, there is no way I would pay to send your son out there. I did that once; paid for an entire trip to Florida all of us together so he would have a memory of doing something with his dad. The only thing it did for my son was make him realize how bad his dad's alcoholism is. He says he loves his dad, but that his dad has never done anything for him. Dad lived 15 minutes away all of his life and now my son lives at his grandmother's during college with Dad living in the garage. Still no relationship at all. I bought christmas gifts, birthday gifts, father's day gifts, every year out of my pocket for my son to give him. When I finally stopped when my son was 15, my ex had the nerve to ask where his father's dad gift was! Single mom's have it hard enough. You are responsible for everything. If he does pay support that's great, and if he wants to send for his son for a couple of weeks in the summer that's fine too, but I wouldn't personally pay for it. Don't speak poorly of his dad in front of him. Kids are smarter than you think, and he'll figure it out on his own. It is a shame some men treat their children this way, but the guilt doesn't belong to you or your wallet! He is the guilty one here and it will come back to bite him. My son will go out in the garage and talk to his dad sometimes, just general stuff, but he won't help him out, etc. This is a man that lived 15 minutes away all of his son's life and couldn't even make it to his High School graduation. Just be a dedicated mom and let your son come to his own conclusions, but spending much needed child support back on the father my sound noble, but actually it is more out of guilt and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT :)

What about Skype? - momo

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not sure how exactly it works or if it's an available only by area kind of thing, but if they're talking a lot on the phone, maybe Skype is something worth looking into.

does he show any signs that cause concern? - letsleepingdogslie

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like things have settled down and you and your son are beginning to realize how life is post divorce, and it sounds so much more ideal than most single moms I know. Your life lacks the drama of my friends'.

Unless your son is having issues, I would see where life takes you. I don't agree with the other post about you paying to have the son go visit his dad. You should teach personal responsibility to your son and part of that is accepting that deficiency in others (your ex).

If you believe you need a supplement, I hope you can find a couple who could take your son under their wing, especially the husband, to do guy activities with. Or you can enroll him in scouts to achieve the same goal. I do believe it takes a village to raise a child, and unfortunately in this day and time, too many villagers are too busy to do more than take care of their own.

Good luck to you

Was a single mom, know how you all feel - Mom of 4

[ In Reply To ..]
I separated and divorced the father of my 2 youngest children because of horrible spousal abuse. They were then barely toddlers and do not remember the earlier years, but as they grew up (and without my help) soon came to know their father. I had to hunt him down for 10 years to get child support, but he never, ever gave me anything at all for them in that time, but went back to his home state and saw his son graduate from boot camp, all the while knowing they were looking for him to pay the child support. His mother hid him in her own home and when they asked her where he was she lied. It was not until my youngest son, who is now 35, was 20 did he see his father out of curiosity. My son is now a man with 2 sons of his own, and would never, ever think to abandon his family, so he knows he is his father, but they are not that close, nor is my youngest daughter, who is 36, and wants nothing to do with him. He almost killed us all when he was driving drunk and said he did not care of none of us lived. Since we have been divorced, which is going on over 20 years now, he has become a "model" citizen, accolades in the town paper about his expertise in designing buildings. However, he has not once ever thought to send his grandchildren anything for their birthdays or Christmas, but he wants my daughter to be close to him!!! She says no, and I don't interfere with her decision. He just never will get it, and has not once said I am sorry. My point with all of this is that you will never basically change the person they were, or hope they will be any different. It is such a shame and there is so much heartbreak for the children involved in these situations, because they are the ones that blame themselves and my daughter sees her other friends with fathers who care about them and do things with them, and love their grandchildren. Your ex has a chance to redeem himself, but apparently even now with him so close by, he is still not doing that..he is the one that is losing out here. My ex is now applauding himself for what he thinks is being the perfect grandfather. He has a son from another marriage and really pours it on with him, but that son did not reunite with his father until he was almost 40 years of age. Sorry this is so long, but it took me a long time to realize that I was the real parent, both mother and father, and enough physical damage to warrant surgery to help correct the damage he did to me. Now, I have forgiven him and go on with my own life, and all I need to know is that I am the one the grandchildren love and respect, and my children tell me how much they love me for supporting them, loving them and always being there for them. I wish you all the very best and all the best for your son too.

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