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Sometimes I'd rather be single...

Posted: Dec 30, 2011

Sometimes I'd rather be single instead of being yelled at for some things that are out of my control. I have worked so hard today. I had been typing for 6 hours when my husband calls ( I am currently working at my moms until DSL is hooked up at my place) and starts going at it with the fact that the dog peed in the house. I said well I have been working and nothing I can do about it. I went over there one time and let them out. He peed on hard flooring so easy enough to clean up. He wanted me to come home and clean it up. Well I was about to take a break anyway (only live 2 miles away). I had to finish a report and then I was gonna go to clean up the pee and take a break. I finish the report and on my way to the car he calls again. When I answer, he SCREAMS, WHERE ARE YOU AT? I said Do not call me and scream at me. I got home and he said Look - I said no You look, you don't call me and scream at me when I'm over there working my ass off so you have food to put in your ungrateful mouth. He has been only working here and there because they are slow where he works. I said how dare you call me and yell at me when I've been working my ass off. He said I'll call and yell at you any time I want to and if you dont' like it kiss my ass. Then every time I tried to get a word in he would say over and over like a child, kiss my ass, kiss my ass, kiss my ass, kiss my ass, so I finally just cleaned up the puddle of pee and left and came back to do my 2 more hours of work. Sometimes I think why did I have to marry this idiot? I had no money for Christmas this year. I don't have a pot to piss in and throw out the window. What the heck does he have to offer you know? So now I have 2 part time jobs to try to get more work. Just give me a break every once in a while you know. And had the nerve to tell me to get my crap and get out. I was like excuse me, I've been putting food on our table most weeks and paid the house note and I can leave? Okay that makes a lot of sense. LOL He is such an IDIOT. Sometimes I swear I'd like to be single and have a guy to be with on occasion. If I ever got rid of this one I would never marry again. Lord have mercy. Sorry, had to vent to someone.

;

I assume both of your names are on the - deed? NM

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Yes unfortunately... - nm

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Wow- had to read this cos I thought I posted it - SM

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Everything except working at moms house and the dog. I swear he needs some medications. It's like living with someone on major PMS. We'll be talking about something and I give my opinion and all of a sudden his voice gets louder and within seconds he is yelling at me. I tell him to keep his voice down and he gets even louder. I tell him stop yelling at me I haven't done anything to deserve being yelled at and he gets louder. I have thought many times that he is going through midlife. He'll yell at me for things not my fault and then say "well what do you want to do about it". I say I don't know and then he yells "WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO". He yells at me when I'm talking and then when I don't say anything he yells at me for not saying anything. I've never once said anything about me working and him not, but as he is yelling at me I think to myself (and oh so tempted to say to him)...you know, I'm the one working. I'm the one who is putting food on the table and paying the bills. I'm the one who does all the crap you don't want to do, so if I were you I'd be a little more nicer...kind of makes sense doncha think. But no, I sit and let him go off. And before anyone shoots back with me telling him or yelling back or whatever, I'll just say this....been there, done that. We are both bull-headed. I've yelled before and boy have I yelled but he yells louder. He gets nasty and insults me when we argue and says things that are hurtful. So...the best situation for me is to keep my mouth shut, let him go off, and then I write crap about him in my diary know some day someone will find it and read it. But yeah, I'm with you...sometimes it would be nice to be single and have someone on occasion. Kind of like the idea of sister wives. When you get sick of him just send him over to one of the other wives. LOL. I think many many many times, why didn't I listen to my father when he told me to live with the guy first. I KNOW for a fact that if anything was ever to happen I will never again marry ever ever ever, and certainly not after only knowing someone for less than 2 months then do the Vegas thing. Lord have mercy is a good title to my life story. So don't fret girl, there are others out there who understand.

I did live with him first... - sm

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He was a doll then. NEVER raised his voice. I lived with him for probably over a year. That side never showed itself and even after we married he didn't act that way until about 3 years after we were married. I don't know what happened. He just CHANGED.

Why do either of you stay? - Serious question

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You both are in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. Why do you stay? If you're the ones earning the majority of the money in the household, surely it would be easier without one extra lazy mouth to feed?

You both deserve more than the treatment that you are allowing to be given to yourselves.

Because.... - SM

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A few bad fights does not rule out 30+ years of happy times. For the majority of our time we laugh, watch movies, play with our animals, talk about what we want. Having a few fights does not rule that out. I love him, he loves me. We are devoted to each other. If he's going through a midlife crisis I am not going to leave him. Yes, we have some doozy fights, he is quick to yell lately, but I can live with that because the majority of the time it's not like that.

Have you looked into---sm - Old Anon

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If your husband's mood change is only lately in the last year or two, have you thought there might be a medical or psychological component to it. Have you talked to him about getting a checkup and talking to his doctor about this. Maybe you could go along to lend your support. I wouldn't dismiss this as him going through some kind of "change". At the least, you need to sit down and have a frank talk with him about how this is affecting you and how this needs to be worked on. Don't just dismiss it and lie down like a rug to get walked over. Many happy times aside, it makes you unhappy and apparently, he's not so happy either.

You have a point there. I'm beginning to - mthead

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think there is something going on with my aunt and uncle (in-laws). My MIL thinks the uncle is bipolar. He has totally changed from being a sweetie-pie to being a badgering, berating, belittling jerk! But my Aunt-in-law won't do anything about it, and my MIL won't either, and he picks on her something fierce!

Why do women stay in these abusive relationships? - A marriage license is NOT a "bill of sale&quo

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nm

I've asked my own mother that many times - mthead

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and finally got an answer. Dad passed on in 1989 and it took years for me to ask her why she stayed with him when all SIX of us kids lived in fear of him and what my dad would do to her/us. Firstly, mom had no support from her parents, especially after having six kids. Secondly, she didn't want us to end up in foster care or separated. Thirdly, (and this is my own opinion)she is one of those women that thinks they are nothing without a man - and that was the way I think women were raised in the 40s and 50s. I could go on and on. They say women marry their fathers but I can promise you I learned from my mother and married the exact opposite (though I was close to marrying a dad-like figure and found a way out).

and I have to say, Mom is happier w/o a man - mthead

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in her life and actually pities her sisters, who have husbands to look after/baby. Mom is now in a nursing home with end-stage COPD and she is STILL happier than she was in the best days of her marriage to my "father."

I have found with my own mother is that - she would have absolutely

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no peace and quiet if she did leave. He would call her, stalk her. I think he would actually breakdown and then do who knows what. Not to mention that she has built a home with him and really in her older age doesn't want to have to give everything up and have to go live in a trailer park or something of that sort. I can't say as I blame her.

I totally understand what you're saying. My - mthead

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didn't do the leaving; fortunately, my dad did. But he left for other women who wanted more from him than my mom ever did, and he finally asked her why she didn't fight for him. WTH? She was like, "What was there to fight for?" He was a serial womanizer/batterer. If my dad didn't have all of those other women (who were present at his funeral, by the way), he would have been like your dad.

I don't blame her, either. So glad you - mthead

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you recognize your dad for what he is (as a husband) and support your mom.

It is one of those situations where you take the - good with the bad, and sometimes

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the bad is more often. I am very supportive of my mom and will support her with whatever she does. I will tell you I talked to her this morning, and she has an appointment with a lawyer Tuesday, so who knows what will happen. It has almost ruined my relationship with my dad, though. Had a pretty normal childhood, and then it's like something happened when the kids moved out. You know, it just is what it is. On a funny note, we have given him 2 names. We've joked that they would charge him double for therapy.

feel the same way - sm

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about being single. My husband is not much of a yeller, but when he drinks if there is something on his mind, that is when it all comes out and then there is no rationalizing with a drunk person. It's like he won't really say anything about what's bothering him and then gets drunk and talks like an idiot. Yep, I've got one of those too. We both work, but because he makes more money than I do, everything we have is because of him and everything we have his his. Such an idiot sometimes I just can't stand it and I am sick of it. I've been looking for a different job out of MT where I can be a regular employee (I'm IC), full time, with benefits so if anything were to happen and I would lose my job or be out of work for whatever reason, at least I could get unemployment or disability. I'm preparing for possible divorce. I have an interview next week Tuesday.

Also in a dead end marriage - own fault

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Two years of no intimacy, 4 years of what I call hallway sex (bump shoulders in the all and say FU to eachother), and 10 years of dealing with a very selfish man while allowing it all to happen.

Asked him to leave and he says, no, I love you. UGH! Love does not act like this.

Me too . . . - Anonymous

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I have a deadbeat husband to put it mildly whose number one priority is to always have a beer in his hand no matter what time of the morning, afternoon, or evening, who constantly has to be right.

Because of the alcohol, his working habits have changed drastically in the last year. He works for himself and thus never wants to work anymore and blames the "economy." Yea right. Like I tell him, there are people out there right now who would love to have your job. You have a job, go to it!!! Be a man and go to work. I am more of the man than him.

I've been left holding the bag on paying for mortgage, utilities, food, etc., etc., etc. I've been having some dental issues going on and went to the dentist in March and have to come up with about $1600. I told the dentist I don't have that kind of money, perhaps we can arrange some sort of payment plan, but said no. I have no insurance, etc. I have no money for anything anymore.

So hang in there poster; we will figure something out.

I also want to leave my husband. - sm

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I also want to leave my husband. We having been arguing for years over everything it seems. He has a good job. I work part time as an IC and am 52. I used to love where we lived, but had to move to a different state because of his job. I hate it here and will someday return to the place I love without him. Even though he has a good job, we are still struggling for money. We moved to a very expensive neighborhood. I don't know what we were thinking at the time, but we bit off more than we could chew, so to speak. I am taking classes at a local college and plan on volunteering at a hospital soon to hopefully get my foot in the door and to meet new people. My child has 2 1/2 years left of school and then will be in college and I am hoping to have a stable job and get out of this marriage then. I cry every day. I can't blame all our problems on my husband because I know I am partially to blame, but I am just so unhappy. Thank you for letting me vent. I really have no one to talk to.

These posts make me sad - Marina

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I used to be in a similar position until I finally left. Now I'm single, happy, stress free (still broke LOL) but have a real sense of peace in my life. A relationship with your SO should enhance your life and make you feel loved. I'm sad for you ladies going through this. Life's too short and it's not worth it. I wish you all the best and hope things get better one way or another.

Question for you: Did you have the support - mthead

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of family? I posted below about my mom, and I am still p*%%$d to this day that her mom told her she wouldn't help her if she had any more babies. Whose mom does that? My dad was Catholic and didn't believe in birth control. My mom was beautiful, had dozens of suitors, yet she settled on my Ivy-League-educated dad b/c he had "potential." He beat the living daylights out of her and she had no place to turn. We lived in fear of him and had no one to protect us.

The guy's an alcoholic. I'd tell him " Go to AA - or hit the HIGHWAY"! nm

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.

I have to GAG when I read this. I don't care if that guy - Kiki

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you are with looks like Brad f'n Pitt, he is a freaking JERK. You shouldn't be posting a "vent," you should be posting saying that you are kicking HIM to the curb. There is NO way in hell I'd stay with such an immature A-hole. You know I'm right. It just makes me sick when women stay with these guys for whatever reason...they THINK they have to, afraid to be alone, whatever. Well, YOU have a job so you can get away. If your name is on that deed you still own half of that house...you could sell and split the difference. Whatever it takes! He is treating you like shi*t because he knows you aren't going anywhere. Find me a spoon quick so I can gag myself.

Agree...I have a friend who stayed with her - sm - XXX

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verbally abusive, tightwad husband for close to 10 years, for several reasons, but the big one was because he was great in bed...huh? Sorry I don't care how good he is, he was a controlling idiot and abusive in every other way. She finally left when she had a well paying job and the kids begged her to leave and divorce him as they were so unhappy (they were about 7 and 9). He kept the house, she got half the equity they had, split up the cars and they divorced. He was a prick for years after that still and held child support hostage if he thought she was not being nice to him or the kids refused to see him, which they did a lot, (she took him to court at that point and got his wages garnished, he was pissed), they only just made peace in the last year or so (probably because he doesn't have to pay child support any more). She is much happier without him as are the kids who are now grown and out of school. --- so some have weird reasons for staying, some are just scared which is to be expected especially when you have no family to fall back on as was her case (very dysfunctional family on both sides), but I'd rather be out on my own then with someone who makes me miserable. It is easy to tell someone to leave, but they are the ones who have to actually do it. It takes time and planning, and courage. I hope those that need to get out of bad marriages find the courage to do so in 2012.

Can't fathom why you stay with this person, but - here is what I would do: (Meerkat)

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On my way home to clean up the dog pee, I'd stop at the local gun shop. When I got home, I'd point it at his head and say, "Get down on the floor and DRINK it."

He's USING you, so he doesn't have to lift a finger. - Put his stuff on the curb & change the locks!

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Really. You don't need that kind of abuse. And that's what it is. A-B-U-S-E.

You'd at least have a pot of your own to piss in if you got rid of him, and only had support yourself, not the two of you. I'd be in a lawyer's office getting those divoce papers drawn up so fast, it'd make his head spin.

A friend of mine moved lightning fast after her husband, all within the period of about a week:
a - was caught with another woman
b - hit my friend
c - kicked her pregnant dog in the stomach.

The very next morning, he went off to work. She called in sick, and went to see a lawyer, who put a lien on some construction materials for hubby that she had co-signed for. When she got home, she took the dog to the vet, and then called a locksmith.

When hubs got home that night, his stuff was sitting in the snow out on the curb, and his house key no longer fit any of the locks. So he called the sheriff, and --- guess what? She had also filed a restraining order against him, barring him from the property.

But, back to your husband. That guy doesn't need a wife, he needs a MOMMY. I would tell him to go back to her and do some growing up.

Be your own best friend - AND DITCH HIM

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The only one who can stand up for you is YOU. You don't need HIM. He needs you. I have been single for many years, and sometimes I feel bad being alone, but never, ever will I return to a dyfunctional relationship, for anyone or anything. You deserve better. Stand on your own two feet and live a better life. Good luck. I don't even want to think what he may have done to the poor dog.

Abusive relationships - Mgc

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In my case, I didn't leave until I had finally had enough and had a good support system. I planned ahead and put a deposit on an apt., had the movers come while he was at work, took my half of the furniture, etc., and the world was lifted off my shoulders. Of course it took four long years of abuse and humiliation, but I finally got enough of him when he started waving a gun around. It's not easy and much more difficult when you're not making much money. I struggled, but it was worth it, and there were no children involved. Not everyone is so lucky.

When you've been beaten down for years, have little support or none at all and have children, it seems more trouble than it's worth when you're already depressed. I reached out over the Internet because he wouldn't let me go many places and found friends there who helped me. And, yes, one of those friends was a guy. He was a Godsend. I only wish I'd have found him earlier. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation.

Absolutely - No harm meant to you

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I totally agree. We become dependent on relationships, whether good or bad. I was in one myself and went back time and time again. That's why I urge whoever is being abused (and that's really and truly what it is) to value herself enough to live a better, more productive life. My heart also goes out to those involved in this type of relationship. It only gets worse with time.

The dog is a pitbull who worships me....sm - blondie

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My pitbull is beyond overprotective and does not tolerate abuse of any kind. My husband knows not to mess with the dog. The dog is the most gentle sweet big ole bundle of love BUT he can be ugly if need be. He won't be mean to the dog cause he knows better; not only would the dog protect himself but I would GO OFF on him with no mercy when it comes to my dog. That dog loves me more than most people do and I love him for loving me that much.

PS - blondie

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There have been times when I have been so depressed and felt no one cared. That dog can sense it. He must can because he always makes me feel better and comes and puts his paw on me and looks into my eyes like he wants to say hey it's okay. I've never saw anything like it. He is so sensitive to my feelings. So yeah, I'm very close to my dog. We have a bond; it's like we are best friends. I know that sounds strange but he is my friend and he is a comfort to me.

Don't Blame You - SM

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When a person loves a pet it goes deep. I truly understand. That's the way my family has always been about pets. Whether they are dogs, cats, birds, etc. they are family to us. It is hard to find the kind of devotion they have for us. I am glad to hear you feel the same way!

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