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Are Chinese moms really better than other moms?

Posted: Jan 24, 2011

Can you say you've not allowed your children to do the same things this mom did?

~snippet only - lots of more info at the link

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000...p_mostpop_read

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.....

;

This is my own opinion so don't bash (sm) - Yochana

[ In Reply To ..]
I read the whole article and do think the Chinese method extreme, but in my opinion USA puts too much emphasis on sports rather than academics.

SM- I have to go back and read your list again. - Can't believe it. NM

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X

Okay, read it again. This is your list??? - Still can't believe it.

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To each his own, but I consider that list bordering on child abuse, or at least an obsession with control. I raised 2 daughters myself, put them through college, and they put themselves through graduate school. They are both professionals, self-sufficient, ambitious, motivated, and successful adults, one is a great mom herself.

There is a lot of what they CAN NOT do on this list. I would focus more on what I DO instead. I did not allow TV during dinner. That was everyone's talk time. I did check to make sure they did their homework. I LISTENED to them. I encouraged and supported their choices in extra-c activities. No, they were never going to be a professional softball player, ice-skater, singer, gymnast, horseback rider, etc. but I let them do these activities for social benefits and believe it gave them a well-rounded childhood. They were allowed much trust and freedom that they earned with good grades and appropriate behavior.

Both girls got in very little trouble, and it was usually things they were "grounded" for, but I did not over react because it was what I considered normal. We took them on family vacations. They were taught to be respectful and considerate people. I made sure I made myself available to them as much as absolutely possible. They were not latch-key kids. Above all, no matter how well or how poorly they ever did at anything, I let them know that I loved them, always, no matter what.

The aforementioned list appears to me to be a form of adult bullying to make a child PERFECT. Sorry, there is no such thing. I am glad your daughters turned out so well but I consider the process in getting there very sad.

I bet Sophia and Louisa spent a lot of time wishing they had a different life! - And a different mom. NM

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X

Did not read link, but whatever happened to old-fashioned common sense? - That is not necessarily a "better mom." nm

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..

This was quite the viral storm about a week or 2 ago. - About the Tiger Mom

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I did not read the book, but I've seen the author interviewed on t.v. If people get beyond her attention-grabbing list, the author says, they will learn that in the end, she had to slacken up the rules quite a bit. She was raised by Chinese immigrants in a very strict way, and carried that childrearing philosophy forward in raising her own daughters. Things apparently came to a head when her very strong-willed 13-year-old rebelled. And so the author began writing this story.

From the interviews I've seen, it sounds like she adopted a much more balanced parenting style. She does criticize western or American style of parenting, and I think rightly so, saying that American parents are too permissive and put too much emphasis on sports. I agree with her. But, she does admire the western idea of fostering individuality. It sounds like she's come to some sort of a compromise in her parenting now.

This is probably a good read.

Chinese Mom - Cindy

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My kids play saxophone, flute, and piano, but pretty much I\'m a Chinese mom.

How are their interpersonal relationships? Not only did they... - ndmt

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miss social contact with their peers but also were expected to be "better" than their peers. It just sounds like they would end up really lonely people.

I feel bad for your kids, they are not being allowed - sm - No-no-no

[ In Reply To ..]
to have a childhood if so restricted by you. Both my girls are allowed playdates and sleepovers (here or there as long as I know the parents), participate in school clubs, dance, girl scouts, all are good for personal growth, self-esteem and leadership. Both are straight A students. I do not flog them if they get less than an A but we do encourage them to try the best they can, the odd B or C may creep in but they still maintain their A averages. Both are well behaved, polite kids and I get many compliments by their teachers. So your kid can still have a life and be a smart, polite straight A student. I only ask they do some sort of activity, dance being their choice and both take at least 2 classes. They never did learn an instrument though can both play the recorder as it was required at school so both can do that and read music. If they expressed an interest though I would encourage it but not force it down their throat. If you keep them on too tight a leash once college comes along they will not know how to handle it and the many social situations they will encounter. Do you really want them that sheltered so they don't know what to expect, unless the are of course attending some perfect university, there will be drugs and underage drinking, and sex as well. They cannot go through live with the blinders on.

Don't know about Chinese-American moms, but.... - starstruck

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...I can tell you that Chinese moms (and dads) are relentless! Education was the great escape, and the parents would invite us to their homes for dinner and then hammer us about sponsoring their child to go to an American university. My husband was teaching there, and I think they thought he could just snap his fingers and their child could come to the U.S. I often thought it was that they had only one child, so all of their time and effort went into that one kid. There are also a lot of strong cultural issues that come into play. My experience was 15 years ago and things may have changed. My impression is that the Chinese think Americans are lazy and that's why we don't discipline our kids. The idea that your child wouldn't love you because you ordered them to do something or wouldn't allow them do something would never occur to them.

I think that many American parents are lazy... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
but I also think that there is a healthy balance between discipline and fun. Isn't it interesting that these people who look down on us and think that we are lazy and stupid want their children to go to our universities so badly? Education is important to us. My 4-year-old can read well (not just Dr. Seus or "See Spot Run") and my almost 2-year-old knows all of his letters and the sounds that they make. It is important to give them a head start in school and that they maintain good grades. This will help them in the future, but so will sports and interaction with other children. However, the idea that my child won't love me because I told him to do something or punished him had never occurred to me, either.

Not sure about that, but bet they are better cooks. - nm

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x

re: nm - Chinese-American gal

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Boo! What a sterotype! I hate cooking.
My mom(Chinese)does too.

re: Chinese moms - Jade's mom

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I don't care what other people think. I am a very strict mom, I am Chinese. My daughter is in high school and has been an A student since she started being graded on her work. She already has many academic and music scholarships. She has enough that we will not have to pay for at least 2 semesters and I believe she will get many more. She does plays the piano and violin and she IS going to be a doctor. That is our plan for her. She is a happy and popular girl. We have a great relationship and communicate well.

She is NOT given many liberties such as dating, cell phone, cable television. she is not allowed to buy clothes like all other kids and she is not allowed to give rides back and forth to her friends. She does not complain. She respects our wishes. We allow friends over, but not to stay overnight and mostly to study.

My expectations for my daughters future are for her benefit. She may make her choices when she becomes an adult. Until then, her father and I will. It is how I was raised. I was directed toward the kind of man I would marry. I have a good life now. There is nothing wrong with this.

Look at all the kids who treat their parents poorly, cuss and are rude to elders, that have too many liberties and "run the show" at home, wear whatever they want and run up cell phone bills that parents cannot afford, wreck their cars, party, drink and smoke, get pregnant... How is that okay, but keeping tight reins not?

What I do I do to protect her, so she has a chance at a good life.

strict - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I would consider myself a strict mom too (compared to the other moms I know). I'm American and my daughter is adopted from China, so does that make me kind Tiger "Cub" Mom? LOL. I'm certainly not as strict as Tiger Mom, but my daughter does much better with strict guidelines and limitations (she's 10). I have learned first hand that the Chinese people absolutely ADORE their children and don't let anyone tell you different. To add to that, they have an amazing respect for their senior citizens (much more than we Americans generally do), but I guess that would be for a different thread.

re: strict - mom of 2

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I would consider myself strict and probably borderline tiger mom. I have a teen and a pre-teen. I don't believe in indulging their every whim and have high expectations for them in school and have them both in performing arts.

On a rare occasion my 17 year old will pull the "but my friends have, or my friends are going..." but she actually understands that we want the best for her in life and our job as parents RIGHT NOW, is to push her to be the best she can be.

As an independent adult, she can make her choices. I have NEVER had trouble with my children.

They also do not have cell phones, x boxes or such games, televisions or phones in their rooms, are not allowed "steady boyfriends" and the older one's car is not allowed to be used for entertaining her friends or shuttling them around.

My oldest also has ample scholarships that are going to get her through college. I think that in itself speaks volumes for her determination.

I mean really, my parents didn't have a
"life plan" for me so I didn't even have a career choice in mind until I frittered away 3 years in college and left without a degree! Waste of money, waste of time. I will not have that for my kids, period.

Don't we all want better for our kids?
If people think I am too strict, then too bad. We have a plan and we're sticking to it. I'm not a millionare that can send both of my kids to college on this salary. They know that if they want to go, they'd better hit the mark.

I don't owe anyone a reason for doing what I do, but it sure does seem to be working for us.

There is always a happy medium. As above, common sense. - No message

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xxx

But one person's common sense is another's - stupidity. nm

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x

re: stupidity - agree

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I agree, stupidity is not guiding your children down a path of sucess and allowing them to run their own lives and make decisions that will forever haunt them; getting pregnant before high school, not going to college, indulging them to "keep up with the masses"...

There is a happy medium indeed, but that does not mean they should run amok and play junior adult before they're ready.

As long as my kids live with mommy, and mommy is struggling to pay bills and put food on the table, mommy delegates rules and laws and they'd better be followed.

Maybe, maybe not. Different does not mean stupid. - Individuality is a virtue. nm

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ss

re: individuality - lolly

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My cousin's daughter is 15 and dresses like a junior hooker, has run her mom's phone bill up, posted revealing pictures of herself on social pages, been thrown out of school, caught smoking, with marijuana, dating much older, troubled boys and she declares that she is going to do whatever she wants. and she does!

My poor cousin doesn't do a thing, says "what can I do". That's the difference in tight reins and allowing them too much freedom. I'll guarantee this girl won't finish school or will be pregnant before she's 18.

Her son is also a piece of work. At 20 years old he mooches off everyone, doesn't go to school, doesn't work, doesn't help, cusses, and even has his flavor of the week stay over any time he wants. He smokes in the house and gets booze from who knows where. He has no interest in bettering his life and has had run ins with the law. He dropped out of school when he was 17 and has been freeloading since. He even takes the family car anytime he wants.

My cousin's husband got fed up years ago with her not having a spine and not being able to back him up with rules and guidelines so he divorced her. He tried to maintain a relationship with the kids, but since he demands rules in his home, they want nothing to do with him.

I'd opt for strictness over allowing my kids to run and ruin my life and have to cry at what they could have been had they not had more home laws to follow.

Then there's always the other side - LinK

[ In Reply To ..]
I have known parents who were very strict with their children and when they got to be about 16, they rebelled big time.

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