A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry

HUGE disagreement with DH

Posted: Apr 1, 2011

I've never been big on social networking. I keep in touch with friends by phone and meeting for lunch, dinner, parties, et cetera. DH has myspace, four square and of course Facebook.

He has HUNDREDS of "friends", a lot are friends from high school and friends of friends from HS and of couse co-workers and friends of co-workers.

He shows me the pics, the posts and the arguments and debates when he finds them funny or interesting. Last night he and I were looking at one debate about a sports team and he got a "IM request" from some chick whose picture looks like she's all lips and clevage, a 50-something y/o trying to be 20. He ignored it, but she messaged, "whats the matter luv can't talk now?" He clicked ignore again and in my best in control tone I told him to explain that, why a woman would even a friend) call him "luv". Then again an IM, I'm stalking you babe, looking at all your photos. Who's the old lady?" (referring to me in a picture with him) grrr!

He says it's just some FB chick that he chats with.... I told him I didn't like it one little bit , but told him if its innocent chat, then lets chat, right now. He exploded, says I am overreating, showed me how many "chicks" are his "friends" and even showed me his message log with conversations from men and women. I got full disclosure, got to read the messages, nothing out of sorts, got to see every picture, some are goofy, some old friends send pics showing how they look now, some DO have the "i used to have a crush on you in school" crud... (we are in our 50s...)

Now, I don't believe that I am a jealous woman, I'm WAY too old for that, but I demand respect and don't like the whole idea of "innocent chatting" between men and women like on FB. I told him as much and told him he'd better be super duper careful of his wording in chat boxes and that if I ever even sniff the hint of a flirtation he's gonna catch a laptop computer up the side of the head.

He is furious! "no trust, no faith, you're jealous of nothing.... blah blah blah": We have never had issues, but that just really hit a nerve. I wish I could delete his account!!! I told him I think "virtual cheating and flirting" is just as serious as face to face. He ended by saying, look, I'll delete her "IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY!" I'm fuming right now. I think he should nip it in the bud because he shouldn't be flirting, not to "make me happy"...

Seriously! What's up with our men!!!??? Are they are middle aged crazy? OR is me? I am being unreasonable?

;

re: FB - hema

[ In Reply To ..]
If he gave u full disclosure, maybe she's just a chatty flirt. Give him the benefit of the doubt. At least he didn't slam teh computer shut and act like he didn't know what you were talking bout!

I'm sure I will be in the minority here but - here's my opinion (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
I hate what social networking technology has done to our relationships. It allows people to be far more aggressive and inappropriate than they would actually be in person.

If it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy, it is a threat to the relationship. I would NOT be happy with a woman chatting with my significant other who posts a picture like that and talks to him that way, either.

Some say it is innocent but I disagree. It opens a private and dangerously attractive "secrecy" at the least and this can give way to many feelings that people are not expecting, realize and sometimes don't want to acknowledge.

I completely agree with you on the "to make me happy" aspect of his offer. His response should be to offer because it doesn't matter to HIM since he loves you and doesn't want to offend you. Anything less is showing you that he truly does get something from it, whether he feels it is innocent or not. It isn't or he wouldn't be bothered by it.

If it hurts you, it hurts the two of you. He will either care what hurts you and stop it or I think you should sit up and take notice.

What's up with the men? They are men. Many have a great deal of difficulty to turn away any female attention if offered especially when they feel it isn't "cheating" because it's "only online."

No, you are not being unreasonable. In my opinion, his action (ignoring her chat request) and his reaction (getting angry and providing a 'defense' about this woman while refusing to chat with her in YOUR presence) and his final pitch to you (he will do it to make you happy -- not that it is the right thing to do or she doesn't matter to him) tells me he is more than unreasonable...and for a reason.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm also glad you're getting an eye open to his actions and who he finds interesting enough to invest his time chatting with. It might be a clue you shouldn't ignore.

Old Fashioned in Love and Marriage

FB - mt1347

[ In Reply To ..]
Completely agree with this post - excellent.

My DH acted the same way when I told him conversations & e-mails... - ndmt

[ In Reply To ..]
going on between he and other women were becoming inappropriate. He screamed at me that I didn't trust him all the while telling other women he "luv"-ed them. He did start trying to see these women, actually giving extremely plausible explantions of why he had go to XXX. I really did think I was crazy, too, but I was right. He ended up having an affair and leaving me and our children to fend for ourselves. We are back together now and there is NO texting, FB, e-mail, chat - nothing. My deal was he could stay gone if he needed that in his life.

BTW, hubby made it a point to delete XYZ gal for my benefit and then was just exceptionally careful to cover all evidence he was in touch with her, i.e., new account, calling cards, etc. I am not saying my story will be yours, but DO NOT feel bad for drawing your line in the sand. The more indignant your man is the closer he is to his "friend". He may not even realize how caught up in it he is, but if he is defending it to you with such fury, he's a little wrapped up in something.

fb + cheating - alias

[ In Reply To ..]
well, it has been my experience that when the "spouse" gets angry because you are questioning their actions, there is truly something there to get angry about...their guilty conscience. In essence, they were "caught" with their hand in the cookie jar and they try to protect themselves by getting angry and turning it all back on you. It is a defense tactic and nothing more. There is validity to your feelings and they know it. I don't care if you got "full disclosure" or not, she would not be "chatting" with him if she did not expect more, and he would not be "chatting" with her if he was not prepared to give her more. Internet cheating is just as real as face-to-face cheating. Been there, did that. I wish you luck in the future. Keep your eyes wide open and your ear to the ground.

Bravo ... bravo - KnowBetter

[ In Reply To ..]
Bravo !! You got it right -- a lot of men (not saying all men, of course) but a lot of men indeed get caught up and they do NOT realize just how caught up they are.

I believe that if a man is truly committed to his woman, he will RESPECT her in every way and not play her for a fool.

If not, then he will be available to another woman's flirtation and temptation. Truth be told, many times the man is so caught up that he is too naive to realize that he is jeopardizing what is most important -- that is the wife/real woman at home!! i.e., his real priority.

Personally, I never compromise my own happiness for the sake of a man who is so caught up in B.S. and flirtation/temptation from an outsider.

BOTTOM LINE: A real gentleman knows how to trust and respect a real lady who is worthy. Just saying....

FROM: A Real Lady

You have to be REALLY careful with that. - Kim

[ In Reply To ..]
Back in the days before Mypsace/Facebook the social networking was AOL and at that time I know personally three different couples that the spouse left the other one, left the kids, etc. to go and be with someone they met online.

Also, I was engaged, living with a guy for six years and he did all of the social networking. I wasn't even aware that he and I were having any problems and one day I came home from work to a note from him, saying he left. He had moved all of his things during my 8-hour shift and had left the state to be with a girl he had met online. I had no idea at the time where he even went, because all the note said was "I'm sorry, I had to leave, I love you" (how nice, lol). So, I started digging around in the chat sites he was in and it was like a crazy different world in there. When I was talking to people that knew him, explaining I was his fiance, they were telling me no, that "Ice Babe" was his "girlfriend." I mean, come on, a screen name is my FIANCE of 6 years' girlfriend? It was ridiculous!

Anyways, three months later, he did actually come back, apologizing like crazy, crying, begging, the whole "I made the biggest mistake of my life" story, but I told him if he could leave me for a person that he TYPES to and sees pictures of online, he is NOT the type of person I could marry and trust to spend my life with, so I wouldn't take him back.

So, then fast forward, I did meet the love of my life and got married and had been happily married about eight years. Well my husband and I went through some problems, his job was requiring him to work a lot of hours and he went through a drinking spell, where basically he was at work or drinking. We weren't really getting along and I had Mypsace at the time and then I reached out to a person I met on Myspace, who of course was telling me how he would treat me like I "deserved" to be treated and my husband wasn't appreciative of me, etc. So, instead of trying to work on my relationship with my husband, I was spending my time online and on the phone getting to know this guy and getting relationship advice from this guy and basically virtually cheating on my husband. When you talk to someone online, you get the wonderful side of them, because you get what they WANT you to get. You don't get the every day probelms, the REAL aspects of life. I honestly almost ended up leaving my husband for this seemingly "perfect" guy I met online, but then broke down and told my husband everything and he and I ended up working out our own relationship and it is four years later and I couldn't be happier.

I have a facebook as well with ONLY people that I personlly know (mainly out of town family) on there and I share pictures of my kids, etc. with them, you know rather than mailing them, since we don't see each other often. I won't accept anyone I don't personally know as a friend.

It is VERY easy to get caught up in this "perfect" person you meet online and it seems like they have far way less problems than you do, because they aren't living with you in the "real world" It is a virtual fantasy world.

I think if you are having ANY problems, then I would ask him to delete his page, as overbearing as it sounds, I just would. If my husband had a problem with my page, I would delete it instantly, too many relationships end that way.

You make an awesome point about only showing... - ndmt

[ In Reply To ..]
the side you want someone to see. Everyone can be perfect online, can be supportive, tell you the things you want to hear and how bad you have it now. After any length of time in a relationship, who wouldn't respond to that "you are awesome" feeling rather than "what's for supper" or "is the oil changed?"

I find it funny that in one of the chats I found between my husband and another woman he was going on about how he had to mend his own socks. I just remember thinking "yeah - I'd be all over that guy," yet she must have either really liked darning or was looking for someone too tight to buy new socks. Maybe she was super frugal, but to me that just oozed desperation on her end.

Since your DH has given you full disclosure, you could - LaLaMT

[ In Reply To ..]
log on as him when he's not around and see what transpires. That's what I would do and did. When I suspected my ex was cheating, I accused him and got the same response, "You're crazy, jealous..." blah, blah blah. so I became a private detective and got the proof I needed. And then I said "Yep I am crazy! Crazy for every marrying you!" And never looked back.

I say do what you gotta do. If you are suspicious, then something not's right. Woman's intuition is powerful and real!

Good luck to you!

Similar Messages:

May 23, 2011
A friend of my daughter has a kitten. The friend can't have pets where he's currently staying, so I agreed to give the kitten a home, temporarily. I love cats, and he's a really nice kitty. My DH is infuriated at my decision. He said if it's not gone by next weekend, he's going to kill it. We have 6 pets (3 dogs, 3 cats) of our own. It had been 8, but two died of old age recently. So it's not like we're anti-pet. But he wants to keep the dimi ...

Oct 02, 2012
Romney believes 47% of US citizens are moochers. Ryan believes only 30% are moochers. Do you think they will just split the difference? At least we know what they truly believe--not just what they say to their followers. ...

Aug 01, 2013
I hope this doesn't come off as rambling but here goes..... We're having a disagreement in the family over family get togethers and as a side bar my 22 yo college son. First my son does not call the other family members like he should. Well my answer is always he's in college, he's busy and he's 22. What 22 yo is conscious of proper manners, I mean at 22 I was also a little self absorbed and clueless about the appropriate behavior with more or less ke ...

May 04, 2011
My husband and I were talking about Middle Eastern people in the US. He is stereotyping these people as owning certain businesses and I told him he was just percieving this different than other people would. He said if I asked 100 people what business was predominantly owned by Middle Eastern people, that they would say one of the two companies he associates with them. I disagreed. So I want to put him to the test. Tell me what business you associated with Middle Ea ...

Apr 16, 2012
Holy cow!!!! Had my first discussion w/ a lawyer today and I'm flabbergasted at the things I didn't take into consideration. The soon-to-be-ex most definitely isn't going to love, but he'd better be grateful that I'm not asking for spousal support (he makes 3x more than I do now- gotta love being an MT). Y'all rocked w/ the advice to at least talk to a lawyer. I like this guy. He's no BS, shoots from the hip, and says I can decline anyth ...

Nov 01, 2010
As few as 41 senators, which could represent as little as 12.3% of the U.S. population, can make a filibuster happen. The Republicans have been using the filibuster continually, even filibustering bills they previously were FOR, just because they believe it makes Dems look bad. The Republicans currently have 41 senators and block everything. The Democrats have 57 senators, so by the rules they cannot override the Republican obstructionism. ...

Nov 05, 2011
I've been talking about it, and today I did it. I took my money out of the big national bank I'd been with for over 20 years, Greed-of-America. The bank that had hidden fees up the wazoo. The bank that charged me overdraft fees, even when I never overdrew my account. The bank that continually raised its minimum balance to a point where I was getting more money siphoned out of my account, even though I couldn't afford to put any more in, which is why I fell below the mi ...

Jun 14, 2016
1. We must not believe that the Orlando shooter represents all Muslims, but we must believe that he represents all gun owners. 2. We must not allow people who have not been vetted to buy guns, but we must allow immigrants from terrorist hotbeds who have not been vetted (indeed, whose very IDENTITY is uncertain) to enter the country. There are many other liberal inconsistencies - for instance, regarding human life and abortion - that they cannot explain away, but these two are parti ...

Sep 23, 2014
Hi all, I am hoping someone can help me, someone who has experience in this. I have very shiny white tile floors, I guess they're porcelain. I wanted to clean my kitchen grout, so I used a very highly-recommended grout cleaner on the grout, then went over the entire floor with a mild detergent with my wet/dry vac. When it was all dried, I noticed a horrible film, almost like a million little water spots over the entire floor. Some are actually swirls. I troubleshooted this over the ph ...

Oct 13, 2014
You can't even call him Reverend with a straight face. He is a criminal, plain and simple. Link ...

Mar 30, 2012
About healthcare reform. I know everyone here is into politics, thought you might wanna chime in. Just click on "main board" and you cant miss it. ...

Nov 06, 2014
Since my last question didn't fly well with a few (perhaps because it hit to close to home in our chosen career field), here's a new one I'd like to try to understand. The same career politicians responsible for the recent revival of "communism" fears are the exact same names who pushed for us to outsource overseas from 2004-2008, mostly to communist China, though we were already in tremendous debt to them. And this doesn't this seem odd to you? To me, that goes stri ...

Jun 12, 2015
The vote was 302-126. The House killed a worker aid bill that was tied to the president's main agenda item -- legislation that would give Obama "fast-track" authority to negotiate trade deals. Without it, the trade push withers for now. The vote marked a stunning blow for the president at the hands of his own party, with Nancy Pelosi and labor unions helping drive the stake into the legislation in the end. The biggest defection for Obama came when Pelosi joined the rebellion in opposi ...

Apr 18, 2013
What is going on!!!??? ...

Jul 21, 2017
Top officials with 14 anti-poverty nonprofits were paid as much as $869,900 as their organizations were enriched with $900 million of taxpayer money, The Daily Caller News Foundation’s (TheDCNF) Investigative Group has found. The activist groups received as much as 85 percent of their revenue from federal, state and local governments and collectively spent millions on lobbying, TheDCNF’s analysis found. Also, half of the charities’ CEOs made political contributions – nearly all of wh ...

Sep 18, 2016
With the events of the last couple of days and Hillary's full-throated support for tens of thousands more refugees, I suspect Trump will be up by even more in the next poll. It's just like the scene from the Wizard of Oz where the wicked witch shrieks "You cursed Trump! Look what you've done...I'm melting!! I'm melting!! Who would have thought you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?!!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aopdD9Cu-So Ding dong, the witch is dead ...

Sep 15, 2012
Isn't that what we've been trying to tell you ? Read it and weep. ...

Nov 02, 2016
http://globalinfotoday.com/fbi-confirms-huge-underground-clinton-sex-network/ As of November 1st, the FBI has two active investigations into the Clintons: the Clinton Foundation for “pay-to-play” schemes and Hillary Clinton sending and receiving classified emails on Anthony Wiener’s server. A source from the FBI has indicated that a third development has been launched from the Clinton investigation that a massive child trafficking and pedophile sex ring operates in Washington, D.C. ...