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Calling all parents of teens (or former teens) - not sure what to do

Posted: Oct 1, 2010

My son has been dating a girl for about two months now. He is 16 and she is 15. Background info on my son is that he has always, up until about two years ago, been the model son, but we have had a few problems with him over the past two years or so. Anyway, the girl seems very nice, but I have only met her once (my son has been grounded for one month of their two-month dating relationship, so they have only gone out a few times and see each other in school).

Anyway, I just learned that she is basically pressuring him to have sex. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he is adverse to the idea; in fact, I am quite sure that he wants to as much as she does, but he has not tried to get her to and did not even kiss her until their third date.

If I set aside my fears of STDs and pregnancy, where my mind starts to head is to the fact that in our state one cannot legally consent to having sex until age 16. I am quite sure that her parents have no idea that she has been pressuring him about this, and that they probably think that she is a 'good girl' (not saying she's not a good girl) who would not do this at her age. I have not met them, but my husband has.

At any rate, I am concerned about all of the above and just looking for an ear and some opinions/experiences others have had with their teenagers. Thanks for listening. :)

;

MY advise-sell all teenage children now, encourage them to join - circus, tell \'em Alaska is beautiful, etc nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

re: nm - Kiki

[ In Reply To ..]
BOO!

Tough situation... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Not much you can do in this situation, unless you're going to lock him in the house till he moves out! You can talk to him about your thoughts on the subject of sex, and try to tell him why he shouldn't let someone pressure him into having sex. How do you know she is pressuring him by the way? If you found out by snooping, then it'll be a little tricky to broach that subject with him without giving away your methods... and losing ground with your son, as well.

I feel for you. I have two teenage daughters myself and have found for me that they won't be open with me if they think I'll freak out on them, but if I let them talk and listen to them without judgment (try to, anyway...) they pretty much tell me what's going on with them. Sometimes too much; but I'd rather have some input into what they're doing (and teaching about safety, etc.) than punish them for their honesty and be left in the dark for the rest of the foreseeable future! It's a choice I made, and I don't regret it.

I agree. Like it or not, they are probably going to have sex. - NKC

[ In Reply To ..]
That's the harsh reality in this day and age. These kids don't wait, don't see a reason to wait for love. TV is filled with images teenagers having sex -- Gossip Girl, 90210, etc.

I would talk to your son and let him know what you think is right, but make sure he's prepared whatever he does. Meaning condoms. With my son, I preached abstinence until marriage, but I knew with boys especially I was probably kidding myself. So my husband handle the condom speech and actually bought him a box. My husband told me he had done that, but that our son basically thought it was a secret from mom.

My son has had the same girlfriend for 3 years now and there have never been any pregnancy scare and as far as I know they have been monogamous. So I guess I can be happy that my son is committed and careful.

When you are parenting teeagers, you grab onto any little positive thought you can! LOL

re: teens - momof2

[ In Reply To ..]
When I was in this situation I didn't know how to approach my son without him getting his back up and shutting me out (teens tend to do this when they think they know more...)

I didn't stew on it very long at all and one day just took the opportunity when they were both in my house to speak to them like adults. They were EXTREMELY receptive to this. Told me how much they were in love and how they wanted to take their feelings to the "next level" (sex...).

I also laid down MY laws and said under no circumstance would I permit them to carry out their rendezvous in MY home.

Since I know very well that there is not much we can do to stop them when teens get an idea I told HER, that she need to talk to her mom about getting birth control and if she was too scared, I would talk to her (you have to understand I was trying to call their bluff here...) and that I hoped that they would not engage in sex until they had both been to a family planning clinic and talked to a counselor. I volunteered to take the, provided she also included her mother as well.

I also talked to them about condoms, teen pregnancy, STDs, long-term relationships, how making a decision this young in their lives may haunt them later.

Well, they took the advise to heart, she talked to her mom(who was not very happy at all, but eventually said she knew I was just trying to protect them from making a huge mistake). The girlfriend got on the pill, apparently they followed through with their plans and just like teens often do, broke up about 3 months later...

Teens are under HUGE pressure from society! They are made to believe that SEX is just something you do on a causal basis, not special anymore... It makes me sad for our youth, but when they start thinking about it and you know, better to nip it in the bud and get them protected.

I told my son AND my daughter that my hope was that they would love and respect any partner they have in life, respect themselves enough to say NO and to wait and that they go to college free of burdens of being young parents.

He's 21 now, still in college, does not seen ONE particular girl but dates occasionally and my daughter will graduate HS this year. I have no grandkids!

My advise is to speak up! The sooner the better. Get that other parent on your team too. This isn't something that should be taboo to talk about to our kids. speak up, LOUDLY!

Tough situation - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree momof2-
We can't control what they do, much as we want to, but to stay quiet or simply say "I forbid it" does no good at all. Since my kids are girls, I have the input and control over the birth control, and put them both on it when they let me know there was a need to be. With boys you have the worry of not knowing how careful the girl will be; and I'll tell you there are some girls out there who want to get pregnant as a way to keep a boy; even though they certainly don't know what they're getting themselves into.

When my kids were young, I said I wouldn't be one of those moms who put their kid on birth control because to me that felt like giving my premission to have sex. But as they grew up, and after hearing about SOOO many girls at their school who have gotten pregnant, I obviously changed my thinking on this subject. It's not giving permission - they're going to do it if they're minds are set on it - so I'd rather have them be as safe as possible.

re: sm - momof2

[ In Reply To ..]
Absolutely! I told my son I was not giving them permission, that I was against the whole thing, but you're right about teens. Giving them correct, useful information and resources by which they can learn from was a choice I made. It worked for us.

There are however those teens who, for whatever reasons, are purposely TRYING to get pregnant!(as you say) My sister's daughter is only 16, has HPV, herpes, Chlamydia and has had a miscarriage already! 16!!!

My sister told me to "work my magic", however the girl said if she gets pregnant she's gonna have and keep the baby! Three of her schoolmates HAVE kids! 16!!!

I feel fortunate. I don't take all the credit, but I feel that the talk was very, very important. It IS a matter of keeping them as safe as possible.

You caught me - but let me explain (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks to both of you for responding. Yes, I was snooping. It all started when my son wanted to get a MySpace account two and a half years ago. I told both of my sons that if it happens on our computers, we CAN know about it (and talked with them a great deal about the dangers of the Internet, putting personal information out there, what we say can come back to haunt us, etc). I installed software to monitor the activity, but it would have taken all of my time to figure out/keep up with what was going on, it was much easier to just gain passwords with the software and then follow conversations real-time by logging into the MySpace at the same time as he was . . . wound up catching a predator who admitted to having already gotten two of my son\'s friends and will be arraigned next week on 11 felony counts, only one of which was for my son and was an inticing a minor charge, but the other charges are aggravated child molestation and child molestation and inticing a child for indecent purposes for the other boys.

At any rate, through MySpace I learned that my son was doing some things that he should not, and felt that he had been given fair warning so did not consider it a violation of his privacy. I guess now I have convinced myself that, since he has lied to us about a few things, my snooping is justified in other areas, like the notes his girlfriend has been writing him. I knew girls were a lot more forward these days, and I had read a note last week (first one I read) where she wasn\'t spelling it out, but it did not take much to read between the lines and realize what she wanted. Today, I took the opportunity while he was at school to see if I could find any notes written since they went to the Homecoming dance last Saturday night. She was pretty clear about what she wants, but also stated that she did not want him to do something that he was not ready for (which is the only way I know that he is not pressuring her, as I have not seen any of his notes to her). Prior to all of this, I knew that she had been pressing him to come over to our house, and I felt as though it was because they knew that I am down here working, whereas at her house they spend their time around her family to include four younger siblings.

We had, I thought, always had a good relationship with our son, and I\'ve tried to let him know that he can talk to us about anything. For example, when I found out he had been smoking pot, I did not freak out, but explained to him why I did not think he should be doing it (many reasons, but a lot having to do with the legality and consequences). We have also always discussed sex openly with him, but he has been withdrawn and not talking to us as much as we would like. Like you both have said, I know that \'where there\'s a will there\'s a way,\' and that nothing I say or do will change their minds if they have decided to do it, and I have reminded him (before reading these notes) that she is not of a legal age to consent to sex. Since I know I can\'t stop it and I know he is well equipped with information on protecting himself, and that protection does not always work, I think my main concern is that if her parents find out my son could face some legal problems, yet SHE is the one who is pressing for it. How do you tell a mother (and/or father) that her daughter is pressing your son for sex? I just think most people expect it to be the boy that is pressing. The other point you bring up is a good one, because one of the things she spoke of was a conscious thought/dream that she has been having lately about a daughter -- their daughter, who for some reason (her words) they called Ava. She already has a name for this child!!! She was going on in a couple of notes about how this Friday (today!) would be the perfect time, but my son apparently had not told her yet that my husband and I had decided it was not a good idea for her to ride the bus home with him and that her parents would be told that although I am here, I am not here as I am working, so they would not be supervised. I was actually afraid she was going to show up here today on the bus just from having read that, but he got home about an hour ago and she was not with him, so I guess today is not going to be the day after all. (Whew!)

I appreciate both of your input. Any ideas on how to broach the subject with her mother, since I have not spoken with her before?

As an aside, my son was not thrilled about me being all up in his MySpace, but he stated that he was proud to have me as his mother at the time we caught the predator . . . I was kind of surprised at that point that he was still saying anything on-line that he did not want me to know about, since he had already been caught at a few things by that time, but the way this monster was working it (trickery), my son did not realize what he was dealing with or what this guy had planned for him.

Thanks again, and happy Friday!

Teens - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
When I suspected my son was sexually active, I bought him a box of condoms and just said here, if you need more let me know.

During this time period I knew he was having casual sex with a girl. Yes the condoms were disappearing, I snooped. When I phoned her mother, she was in total denial, said her daughter was a virgin and pretty much told me to mind my own business.

re: approaching the mom - K

[ In Reply To ..]
First, I just want to say that I do not like the idea of snooping. I think that is one way to get your child to completely distrust you and never to take you seriously. If you expect them to respect your privacy, you should respect theirs. (I know many disagree, but this is ME.)

ANYWAY,(i digress...) I firmly believe that when our children begin dating it is our duty, responsibility and obligation to meet the other parents!!!

Once you talk to your son and his GF, tell her you want to meet her mom. Suggest coffee at your place or hers. Out in public may be uncomfortable! The kids should be there too.

Begin by being honest with her, that you know the kids are planning to take things to a level where you as parents need to talk to them and given then guidance. Now, she may not respond positively, BUT at least you attempted to open the lines of communication for the good of the kids.

PS: Myspace and facebook have parental controls. If my kids were still here, I'd tell them I wanted the passwords. I think telling them that would be enough to deter any inappropriate postings and pictures. â�º

Approaching this girl's parents could ruin your relationship with your son. - Think about this.

[ In Reply To ..]
Do have the "sex talk" with your son. Make sure he knows everything, pregnancy, legal trouble, STD's, etc. and is willing to take responsibility for whatever could happen. Supply him with condoms and advise him that this is not 100%. This is going to happen, if not now, then soon, even with someone else.

In the current situation, as young as they are, if you approach this girl's parents you are jeopardizing your son's trust from now until he is an adult, and maybe beyond. It will also probably ruin his relationship with this girl, which he will not forgive you for. I would make it a point to associate with this girl more. Bring up the fact that you believe you know where this relationship is headed and that you think it is too early. Ask her if she is on birth control, and then hint at meeting her parents. She will either end the relationship with your son, or she will have second thoughts about what she is planning.

One down, hundreds to go. Be careful at how open you are with others about your son's relationships. You don't want gossip starting about him at school about him and "his mommy." He would be horrified and it could ruin his high school years, so keep it on the down-low between the 2 of you.

Thanks for all advice/replies - and here's an update (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
So, even though she did not ride the bus home with him on Friday, my son, husband, and the girl had made plans for my husband to pick her up on his way home from work, so she did come over. (Reminder: she had said that would be the perfect time for them to have sex!) When I went upstairs, my husband told me they had gone next door to visit a friend. He said they had gone back to my son's room and closed the door (which he had already been told was a no-no), so he went back there, knocked, opened door and said "Hi. Bye," leaving door wide open. Son asks if he would close it back and he replied no he would not. They immediately decided to go to neighbor's house, to which I said BS they did not go there and turned out to be right. They had gone for a "walk," but were interrupted by several neighborhood friends and came back down to neighbor's. I never did see her that evening because I was on the phone with one sis, my mom, and then another sis, discussing both this situation and a family reunion taking place on Sunday (yesterday).

So, on Saturday my son and I were here alone and I broached the subject by inquiring about the closed door situation after having been told this was against the rules. We wound up having a great talk, better than in a long time. Although we have discussed sex issues in the past, we talked extensively about it and I reminded him about the legality in our state with her age. He did tell me that she said her mother has been talking to her about birth control, but also stated that she had told him if it weren't for her mom she would not be allowed to do anything as her father is very strict, and that if he knew there was even discussion about it "my first born would no longer be living." I pointed out that that goes to show that, while he would not likely kill my son (lol) he would very likely press charges against him. We discussed condoms (including the fact that some girls -- not saying his girlfriend -- would sabotage them, so he needed to bring his own, which I would gladly provide). His dad had apparently told him that he would have to purchase them himself, and I told him that I would personally go buy them if he wanted me to, but he definitely needed to have them and use them if they decided to go ahead with this. I also told him that we were not going to allow them to do this in our home, especially since it would be breaking the law for him to do so, but that if it was going to happen I wanted him (and her) to be safe/protected, whether it is in a week or two years and whether it is with this girlfriend or someone else later on. I asked if he was her first boyfriend and he said that he was not, but he said she told him she has never had sex. Once again, I told him that -- not saying her -- but that some people are not honest when answering that question (this was in response to him saying that in order to get an STD one of the people involved has to already have it). We covered stuff like two are not better than one, as rubber against rubber is more likely to break, and discussed that it is wise to use the condoms as protection against both pregnancy and STDs, but that it was good that her mom had spoken with her about birth control because you can never be too careful. I said that I did not know how they felt about it, but asked if he knew what Depo-Provera was (he did not) and explained that it is a hormonal bc method, like the pill, but that it lasts for three months and some people prefer it to having to remember to take the pill every day (esp at the same time every day).

Now, to the above post about discussion with her parents ruinging both my relationship with my son and his relationship with the girlfriend, I could not agree more. In fact, that was the bigger part of the question since I know my son was already educated about STDs/bc/pregnancy risk, et cetera. I would really like to talk to her, but I was/am afraid that she would reveal that I have been snooping and knew what the repurcussions would probably be. I am still at odds about that (really thinking I should talk to her, but not reveal my source -- besides, like I said before, she may take offense if I suggest to her that her daughter is pressing my son for sex, even though that is the case, without showing her the evidence, I don't even know if she would believe that. I'll just have to think on that some more I guess.

A big positive that we learned is that she is an honors student with all A's and moving into AP classes. I had a while back asked him if she was smart and got good grades and he had said yes, but I still did not know to what extent. Hopefully this means that, although she is having these conscious thoughts/dreams of their daughter named Ava, it is something that she does not want anytime soon.

Thanks again for all the support and advice here! It really is much appreciated.

re: ruin relationship - Abby

[ In Reply To ..]
I completely disagree!

It is our job as parents to know the friends that our kids make and to be responsible and proactive enough in their life to be able to approach the other parents when need be. Need be now!

This isn't a "oh i think Johnny and Sue are smoking" situation! It could result in a child!

I didn't ruin my son's life when I talked to his HS GF's mom about them. It in fact made him feel that after that he could talk to me about anything, he still does! He's 35.

I had the "talk" with my kids when they started to ask questions. They will tell you know that they think they were too young, but at least when misinformation was given at school they knew the facts! They were in Jr high.

I think that for us, it was the thing to do. He didn't marry that girl, but they are fast friends, both married now and her mother and I are very good friends and see each other often.

. . .caught me - Eurosepsis

[ In Reply To ..]
I'll bet if you ask any parent of a child who has gone to jail for drugs or alcohol, has been killed being involved with something they shouldn't have been, comitted suicide or is now 16 with children, their opinion about snooping, they could give you some good "hind-sight" advice. I'm not a big fan myself, but if I ever had a gut feeling something was going on, you bet your butt I would be the first one with my nose in every second of their business. Ya' know what, tough snot if they don't like it. If they're going to put stuff out there on Facebook, MySpace, etc., that, to me, is my open invitation. I'm here to be their parent and I don't give a rat's ass if I'm there "BFF" or not.

My gut feeling is that your son probably was confused about what to do. Knowing that you were monitoring may have been a way to get you to step in without having to ask. Boys, especially have a hard time talking with their mom about things. My son and I are very close, but when it comes to sex, I'm sure I'm not on the top of his list to ask, even though I know it's my opinion he values the most.

As far as talking with her mother, I would let the girl know that if she didn't, I would. If she is "grown up" enough to want to have sex, she is adult enough to not have a problem talking about it. I would tell her and your son that I wanted to meet her mother, after the ultimatum. That would let her know that either way, her mom was going to find out. Then she can make her decision whether she wants to do it on her own or have you do it.

Good luck. I know it's hard being a mom to teenagers! All you can do is what you think is right, regardless of how other people feel. They're your kids and you know them best!

been there, this is what I did - oldgraydog

[ In Reply To ..]
Put the shoe on the other foot. If a guy\'s parents knew YOUR daughter was pressuring him to have sex - wouldn\'t you want to know? I would. I had this scenario happen with my own son at about the same age. I promptly called the gir\'s mother and let her know what I knew. She was rather curt with me, but she said \"You talk to your son and I will talk to my daughter\" -- better prepared than helping your son pay child support for 18 years is my theory.

teens - Tara

[ In Reply To ..]
Make copies of all notes you find if you have a copier and print out all myspace/facebook chats or messages. Also, if they use MSN messenger, there is a way to check a box so that it saves all conversations to the computer so long as you have his password. You can also print these out as well. I cannot tell you how valuable these will be if something legal comes of his situation. I know that in my situation these saved our family from many problems.

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The nursery in Amy Fabbrini and Eric Ziegler's home is filled with unread children's books and unworn baby clothes. A Winnie the Pooh blanket lies untouched inside a crib where a child has never slept. For nearly four years, the Redmond couple has been fighting to prove to the state of Oregon that they are intellectually capable of raising their children. The Department of Human Services has removed both of their boys, saying the parents are too mentally limited to be good parents. ...

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http://docs.house.gov/rules/health/111_ahcaa.pdfIf I am reading it right, young adults up to 27 yo can stay on their parents plan until they can get their own? ==================================== Page 32 SEC. 105. REQUIRING THE OPTION OF EXTENSION OF DEPENDENT COVERAGE FOR UNINSURED YOUNG ADULTS. (a) UNDER GROUP HEALTH PLANS.— (1) PHSA.—Title XXVII of the Public Health Service Act is amended by inserting after section 2702 the following new section: ‘&lsqu ...

Oct 07, 2012
Threats for Romney T-Shirt Teen Students are angry a favorite teacher is being investigated By Shelley Laurence and Lu An Cahn | Friday, Oct 5, 2012 | Updated 5:59 PM EDT The family of a Philadelphia high school student says the teen is getting threats, after sparking a controversy with a political T-shirt. "The kids now, in that school are sending her threats on Facebook and they're texting her too. And these people used to be her fri ...

Feb 19, 2013
So, 16-year-old girl gets pregnant by her 16-year-old boyfriend. Her parents were trying to force her to have an abortion. She refused, so they took away her car, refused to support her and she had to work two jobs (for punishment, according to her). She went to a local law practice, who represented her, pro bono, and she won her case. The judge ordered that her parents have no say over what she does for the entirety of her pregnancy. He also ordered that the parent ...

Aug 09, 2016
The parents of two of the four Americans who died in the Benghazi attack in 2012 filed a lawsuit Monday against Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, alleging her "reckless handling" of classified information contributed to their deaths. The case was filed in the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia by Larry Klayman of Freedom Watch USA on behalf of Patricia Smith, the mother of Sean Smith, and Charles Woods, the father of Tyrone Woods, for allegedly wrongfully causing ...

Aug 16, 2015
or do they just continually blame everyone else's child instead? I have a 15yo was sleeping over at a friend's house with two other girls. They were at the grandma's house and the grandma let them pitch a tent out in the back yard (she lives in the country) and "camp out." Problem is sometime in the middle night while the grandparents were asleep, after testing back and forth with an older boy (18 years old), he shows up picks all four girls up and ...

Mar 08, 2010
BOULDER, Colo. -- A preschooler is caught in the middle of a fight between religion and sexuality. Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic School, in Boulder, has refused to readmit a preschooler because the child has two moms. Her parents are lesbians."God and Jesus would not allow discrimination in that way," said Joellen Raderstorf, one of about two dozen demonstrators who turned out at Sunday's church service.Most of the protesters stood silently, across the street, holding signs. One read "God ...

Nov 06, 2011
My son told and showed my hubby and myself last night that he had bought a motorcycle, crotch rocket no less. I was devastated and cried so hard my eyes hurt. You see my nephew was killed 2-1/2 years ago on a big Harley when a bucket tree truck took a sudden turn in front of him and he died instantly. My sister and the whole family have been devastated by this. It literally caused my sister to have to file for disability because of the mental anguish over this nightmare. ...

Sep 19, 2012
My refugee husband, who is now a small business owner and hefty taxpayer, also took advantage of this program in the early 80s while migrating from Iran (to escape imminent persecution for anti-regime political activities) via Germany, then Iowa, under the resettlement program. He was on the dole for hostel housing, food, medical care and pocket money for around 16 months (9 months in Germany, and another 7 months in Iowa) while the bureacratic red tape ran its course and he became establi ...