A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry

teens

Posted: Oct 22, 2011

Earlier this week, my son asked if a friend could come over Friday night to go to the movies and spend the night. I said that was fine as long as he paid his own way. I agreed to take the kids to the theater (25 miles 1-way) and bring them home. I had asked about transportation to and from our house. He asked if the friend could come home with my son from school because his parents couldn't bring him. I agreed as long as his parents picked him up Saturday.

So last night, I take the kids to the movies. When we get there, the friend tells me he doesn't have enough money because he thought he could get in at the 12 & under price (he's 13). So I paid for his ticket, didn't even ask for the money he brought with him to cover his 12-year-old fee. He said he had money for snacks (yeah I know - how did he have money for snacks but not for his ticket). After the movie, I picked them up and ordered a pizza for them and brought them back to my place.

So this morning, I ask the friend what time his parents would be picking him up and he says, "my parents said for you to take home." I waited an hour or so and said can you call your parents and see if they can meet us halfway? He called and said they couldn't because his mom was working and his stepdad was home with his 4 sisters and he didn't have anyone to watch them while he came to pick him up.

WTH? I let him come over after school, fed him supper, drove them to the movies, paid his way in, and now I have to take him home. He lives about 30 miles from me 1-way. Am I wrong to feel a little used here? What's with parents expecting other people to take care of their kids? I would never let my kid go somewhere with his friends and not give him enough money, expecting him to lie, and then expect them to return him to me.

Obviously, this was the first time this kid was at our house and probably the last time he will be allowed to visit (after I tell my husband we have to take him home). I've already decided to tell my son if he asks to have him over again that I will need to speak to his parents first about transportation arrangements. Gas is almost $4 a gallon and I ran this kid about 100 miles this weekend.

;

teens - I think that is a good rule

[ In Reply To ..]
I can't imagine having someone else's child in my home for a sleep over without having spoken to the child's parent(s) before agreeing to it. Parents are the one responsible, not the children, for making arrangements. I guess this was a live and learn kind of thing, and now you have a better idea of what you expect for future sleep overs.

Both sides of the fence here - for a lot of reasons.

[ In Reply To ..]
When I was at that age when it was time to hang out in public w/ friends, do sleepovers, etc., my mom didn't have a drivers license (by choice) and my dad worked evenings. I ended up bumming a lot of rides, but my parents always made sure I had the $ to buy food stuff, that kinda thing, to share.

That said, as an adult I now have 2 teen nieces (technically they are hub's, but I love 'em the same). One totally knows she has uncle in her pocket...she just called this wk for $100 because she drove her car stupidly. The other has CMT, is in a wheelchair yet is a cheerleader, never really asks for anything, but the mother wants every handout we can give them because she knows he'll give in, even though she gets gov't subsidies out the a$$. We don't talk w/ hub's mom very often but recently have found that we both paid for prom dresses x2. Uggh.

Tough to judge as I've been there, done that on both sides.

lesson learned - irritated

[ In Reply To ..]
I will be speaking to the parents the next time to make sure all arrangements are clear.

my opinion - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
My thought is that if you are going to invite someone over to stay at your house, it is the tackiest thing EVER to expect them to pay their own way into activities you choose to let them do and/or expect their parents to come pick them up. His parents didn't ask you if he could stay at your house, your son invited him. His parents didn't ask for you to drive them 25 miles one way to the theater. As well, since your son invited him over, it should be your responsibility to get him home, not expect the parents to do it. They may not financially be able to accommodate picking him up 30 miles away and if it's something you can't afford either, your son should not have invited him over plain and simple. This is just like a birthday party...if your son was having a birthday party at the nearest pizza place, would you EXPECT your guests to pay for their own pizza, ice cream, and cake? Doubtful. This is along the same lines...he was a guest in your home and should have been treated as such. You sound like his parents asked you to take him and he was completely an imposition on your part. Apparently you need to think twice about letting your son have friends over if you aren't willing to treat them as guests and pay their way.

If your son and his friend are good friends and - would like to spend SM

[ In Reply To ..]
more time together socially in the future, then I think you need to talk to the other parents. It sounds like you live pretty far away from things. Does the friend live far away from things as well or is it just you? If you and the other parents find this to be a hardship, maybe you could work something out, "quid pro kwo" (spelling wrong, I know) so you could share the burden so to speak. If this is just a 1-time thing, just let it go. Does you son have other friends who live close by? Communication is the key here.

do you have kids? - irritated

[ In Reply To ..]
Just curious, because if you did, you would know that kids make plans all the time without consulting their parents first. I have 3 kids and have their friends coming and going constantly. If I had to pay the way for all these kids every time, I'd be beyond broke. I have never had an issue like this before and I have never put another parent in this situation. It's rude.

By your answer, I would gather that you are one of those parents who lets their kids go to things like this and expects other parents to pick up the tab and run your kids back and forth. I have spoken to enough other parents in the past to know that they also think it's rude and inconsiderate.

If you think that's tacky, then you must be loaded and have all the free time in the world to play taxi.

Kids - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Actually, I have 5 kids. I am in no means rich and no I don't have a lot of free time. However, with that being the case, unless I do have enough money and time to pay for their activities or transport them, my kids don't invite them. You said your son asked you, he didn't make plans without asking. However, when my kids are invited somewhere, I send money because that's just something a person should do, but it shouldn't be expected. If I don't have the money for extra activities, but my kids want someone to stay over, they stay at our house. They don't go to movies, they don't go out to eat, and we don't order pizza. Plain and simple. Don't let your son invite someone over if you are not willing to transport them home or get them to your house. You said you "let him come to your house after school." It's a sleepover?! What do you mean you "let him" come to your house? "I fed him supper." Duh, that's kind of your responsibility if you invite a child to stay at your house. You are acting like you did this child's parents a favor by INVITING him to stay over and it was their responsibility to get him!! How should any of this be their responsibility when your son INVITED him. In these economic times, if you don't have money for a guest, then don't invite them. If we invite a child over, I get them here and I bring them home. If my child is invited somewhere, I expect the same. I don't make plans in my every day life for my child to "maybe" be invited somewhere. We invite someone when it works into our schedule and our budget. I think it's tacky if my child's friend calls to invite her to a movie and then says oh by the way pay for yourself. Um no. If we don't have the money to pay for it, she shouldn't be put on the spot by having to turn down the invite because she can't pay her way. If an invite is extended, it usually means the parents are willing to pay for the child that is invited and that has always been my experience with all 5 of my kids.

I do! - ERMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I have 3 kids. I am a very busy mom. My kids are involved in multiple sports and also manage to stay on the honor roll. When my kids have other kids over, I would never expect the other kid to pay and I always take the other kids home. I also live on the very bottom edge of our very large, rural school district, so sometimes the kids that visit can live 30 miles 1 way from us as well.

On the other hand, if the OTHER kid invited himself and then expected me to pay, I would think that was rude. However, I would just say no to that situation.

To Irritated - Think about it this way.

[ In Reply To ..]
You are perfectly justified in how you feel. It certainly took you by suprise. Your parenting skill are different from this child's parents, thank goodness. But now you know. Lesson learned. However, think about the child. He is the child, so do not punish him, and your child. The parents are the adults and lacking a little common sense.

In the future, let them continue to be friends and spend time together when it is convenient for YOU, and you can afford whatever activities they have planned. If that is out of the question, they should stay home and watch movies, etc. Reading between the lines, perhaps this kid needs a friend like your child. Never say never, and try not to be too harsh about those kids spending time together. You know the situation about his parents. Is he a good kid? Enough said.

Exactly!!! - ERMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I have 3 kids myself and would NEVER have them invite someone over if we weren't going to pay the other kids way and take them home the next day. Tacky, tacky, tacky....

Thank you - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
It's great to hear that someone else has my very same views. I think it is beyond tacky to extend an invite and then expect them to pay. I've never heard of such rudeness.

taking kid around - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
It seems the younger generation of parents these days are pretty thoughtless. Not to blame you, but your first mistake was not making arrangements directly with this kid's parents. Next time, tell them you only have enough money to pay your own child's way in and you'd be happy to have the child spend the night, but transportation will have to be a trade off - you'll take them, but they will have to pick him up. If they cannot accommodate this arrangement, tell them you will have to do it some other time. On the other hand, this kid may be very neglected at home, given an allowance of some meager amount and expected to pay his own way. Your child maybe close to the only friend he has. It may be expensive, but if this kid is a good friend and good to your child it might be worth it to do it maybe just once a month. It used to be if invited, the invitor paid, and then when the invite is the reverse the other parents pay for all expenses. Unfortunately, common courtesy has gone out the window! As a single parent, I just cannot afford to pay more than my child's way and believe me it is never reciprocated. I am lucky in one respect. My daughter has one friend who is more than willing to split things 50/50, but I always verify with the other girl's parents. Kids can plan all kinds of things without actually checking with their parents. I always make sure the parents know what the kids have drummed up, the cost, and the carpooling arrangements. Next time be sure to iron out all of the details with the parents, not the kids as go betweens. Kids have no concept of the cost of things, especially gas to drive back and forth. I even make my mother discuss things with me first. She even has a habit of making arrangements with just my daughter. Then if I say no I'm the bad guy. Whereas if she asks me first, before she brings it up to my daughter, if I have to say no then my daughter is none the wiser and there is no disappointment.

agree - irritated

[ In Reply To ..]
I should have talked to the child's parents first. I am a softie when it comes to neglected kids. I didn't get the sense that he was neglected, but you never know.

Since yesterday, I've cooled down and really the aggravating part of the situation was his parents expecting me to return him. I told my son in the future that I would like to speak with the parents before agreeing to anything. I doubt he'll be returning to our house anytime soon, as his parents don't seem interested in sharing the responsibilities. They couldn't even come outside to say thank you or meet us when we dropped him off.

I do not, however, agree with the above post who thinks everything is the responsibility of the inviter. In these economic times, I think it's rude for any parent to expect for the other parent to cover everything.

I can sympathize with you and your situation with mom suggesting things without checking with you first. My mom has done that to me sometimes and it's frustrating because there's no way to say no without looking like the bad guy. But I guess that's part of being a good parent -- we're supposed to be parents, not friends :)

I can understand being a little irritated about it, - and I do find this sort of thing

[ In Reply To ..]
to be quite common with kids, but I think you are way over irritated. You are upset because he did not have the total ticket price, but the difference where I live between adult and child is maybe a couple dollars. If it was that big of a deal, just give him a couple dollar bills. I wouldn't even know what to send with my kids to the movies as we never go. His parents really did make an effort by sending money. A 13-year-old probably really didn't even think about the fact that he could put his money together and make enough as he was probably really nervous after he gets there and figures out he didn't have enough ticket money, as obviously this is a big deal. So, really when you say you would not send your child without money, they really didn't either. I have had times where I have paid for other children and times where they have paid for themselves. Just depended on the situation. I would not have thought anything about a child being a couple dollars short on a ticket.

As far as the car ride, I have had things like this happen. I wouldn't ban him from coming over anymore because of it. You never know, your son could have said maybe my mom or dad will take you home. My kids have done things like this. So, really the only thing to be upset about it the driving home. My daughter has 1 friend in particular that this kind of stuff has heppened with. The girls do whatever they can to get together, and I know that her dad is a single dad who works, so there have been times that I just bite the bullet and take her home or pick her up or both. But, there have also been many times that he has taken the girls places or picked her up too. I don't think you should make a judgment off of 1 occasion. You never know, they might would return the favor at a time when moms not at work and stepdad with 4 kids.

you're right - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I was mostly irritated by the car ride home. I mentioned the other things in telling the story, but it was mainly the car ride home that irked me. At any rate, it's done and over. I've learned a few lessons and a lot of what you said made sense.

As far as banning him, I told my son after we dropped him off that the next time I would speak with his parents before making any plans.

I thought it would be best to let off a little steam on here and I do feel better. I don't agree with all the posters, but your post really hit home with what I was feeling.

Thanks again for letting me vent!

I agree with you Irritated! - Another Mom

[ In Reply To ..]
I have had this problem too over the past years. I also have 3 very active children, and we live in a rural area with all the friends living between 10 to 30 minutes away. I love to have their friends over, but believe me, I am the ONLY parent willing to ferry kids and have them over. It took me a bit with my eldest son to realize that I was being used. I would invite my sons' friends over and not one parent would offer to pick up or drop off. It was astounding really. We are all busy, we are all working Moms, but these parents were only to willing to pass along the free babysitting.

So, I began to call parents and not be rude but say, XXX is invited, what time will you drop him off and pick up? It put them on the spot. Then, all of a sudden, no kids were coming over. It made my eldest son very upset, but I had to explain that I could no longer provide rides and no parents do the same. And FYI, this is all across the board with good, Church-attending parents to the parents that are not so Church attending! It's astounding really.

There is 7 years age difference between the eldest and youngest, so my youngest is just entering high school this year. And guess what? The very same problem!! We have actually had parents that will drop off but then don't show up to pick up their child. And yes, my kids do pick good friends - these are actually fun and well-behaved kids - it is that parents are really clueless.

In all my parenting experience, we have had one set of parents who have been like us. This is my middle son's girlfriend. Her parents are exceptionally wonderful and reciprocating with rides and activities. In fact, they interviewed my husband and I before they agreed to let their daughter come to our house.

So whatever the other posters say here, I think you are right on with demanding parents meet you half way. I require parents to drop off AND pick up if it is a sleepover. If it is only for a daytime visit, I will take the child home only if it is close to me or if it is convenient to me and then ONLY if I speak to the parent to make sure they are not taking advantage of me. Needless to say, my kids don't get many visitors anymore, but I have to be this way to avoid being a free babysitter. Sad but true.

free babysitting - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Really? A free babysitter?? They didn't ask you to take their kid. You INVITED them! How is that taking advantage of you when you asked for them to come over? You all seriously have your ideas skewed.

I agree - with free babysitting

[ In Reply To ..]
My child was recently invited to spend the night with a friend of mine (no children in the home). She came to pick up my child and brought her home, but not because I didn't offer. It gave my friend more flexibility to work around her husband's schedule. I was really very grateful to have a night to myself and I don't mind saying so. If you want to call that free babysitting, go ahead and call it that. It was the first night I had spent by myself since I was hospitalized for surgery in July 2008 and I'm a single mom with no family to help. I sent money (and food now that I think about it because my kid can be a picky eater). Everything I sent was returned to me.

I do offer day visits with other kids and if it is not reciprical at some point, the kids don't spend much time together, or I start suggesting they meet us at a indoor bounce play center. I certainly would not get in a huff if I did the inviting and it was a one-time situation, especially if I had not talked to the parents. The OP said this was a first for her, and I have to wonder how somebody gets through 3 kids without parents talking to each other about having other people's kids spend the night in her home. I think that is why many kids do the things they do. There is no one watching them or plugged into their kids' lives.

At what point did I say - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
that I had never spoken with other parents before? I have had many other children in my home and the other parents have always reciprocated or met me halfway and yes I've had many conversations with other parents. This was the first time my oldest made arrangements like this without me discussing it with the other parent.

Yes that was my mistake, but I do not believe I am wrong in thinking that they should have met me halfway. I also do not believe I'm wrong for telling them up front that I would take them to the movie but I was not paying. If that's tacky, then fine -- I'll be tacky, but at least I won't be used!

irritated - 1mt

[ In Reply To ..]
I would be a little irritated as well and agree that the parents should have picked their kid up. You were kind enough to have him over. I do not agree with the above poster about paying for friends' activities. Teenagers make plans to do things all the time. It would be ridiculous to pay for the friend every time they wanted to do something. It would be different if the friend was at your house already and then they decided they wanted to go to a movie. Obviously he probably wouldn't be prepared with money for a movie so then it would be your choice whether or not you wanted to pay for both of them. Or if a friend is over and the family decides to do some sort of an activity, then yes I would pay for the friend to come along. When my teenage children spend the night at a friend's house, I am appreciative of that and I feel obligated to drop them off and pick them up. They are kind enough to let my child spend the day or night there, so the least I can do is provide transportation. If I know that they are going to be doing something that will cost money, then I make sure he has money. Sometimes the parents won't take the money though and just pay for it, but that makes me feel a little uncomfortable because I don't want them to think that I expect them to pay.

agree - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
that's pretty much what I was saying. It might have come off a little more angrily, but in the moment I posted, I was *irritated*

I've been there... - blondie

[ In Reply To ..]
I've been in the same situation pretty much. My son is 13 also but last year he would want this kid to come home with him and the child's parents could never bring him. Then when he got here you couldn't get a hold of anyone to come get him. They could never come get him. I had to bring him home and it was also about 25 miles one way. I had the child one time for 3 days cause I could not get anyone to come get him and when I took him home nobody was there and could not get an answer on cell phone. I was appalled and not happy at all. We finally stopped letting him come over.

wow - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
3 days? I can't imagine how unwanted that poor kid must have felt (not by you, by his parents).

as an afterthought - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I can't believe the posters who think I'm tacky, but the more I think about it, I'm even more surprised as to why these posters didn't think there was anything wrong with the other parents who left their kid come to my home without having ever met me or even spoken to me. There is no way any of my children go to anyone's house without me knowing them personally. They didn't even make the effort to greet me when I dropped their child off. I guess that says a lot about the type of people these parents are....

You have 2 things going on here... - ERMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I would never have my kids invite someone over without the intention of it being a treat for whomever was coming over. However, I would never, EVER let one of my girls (I have all girls) go to spend the night (or even just for a visit) with a friend that I haven't met the parents personally. Also, I usually talk to the parents before the girls came here to visit and then if I hadn't met them face to face beforehand, when I dropped them off after the visit, I would walk them into the house, so that I could meet them.

Similar Messages:

Oct 01, 2010
My son has been dating a girl for about two months now. He is 16 and she is 15. Background info on my son is that he has always, up until about two years ago, been the model son, but we have had a few problems with him over the past two years or so. Anyway, the girl seems very nice, but I have only met her once (my son has been grounded for one month of their two-month dating relationship, so they have only gone out a few times and see each other in school). Anyway, ...

Jul 29, 2011
Ever get dragged into a marital explosion? I did yesterday. The situation is that I have a 14 y/o son who is really in love with a 14 y/o girl. They met at church 6 months ago. At first, we only allowed youth activities and then slowly allowed her to come over to our house and be included in family activities. They are never allowed alone at any times although I do allow them to sit together on the couch, and I know they have kissed because my youngest son is a spy! I consider my husband a ...

Dec 06, 2015
I have a lady who used to work for me and have been like kind of a grandmother figure to her 3 teens. Yesterday I took them to a Christmas parade in our town, cold like in the 30s but warmed up in a short while and by the time we arrived back to my home it was in the 50s-60s outside and my inside thermostat was set at 68. I asked the kids to take off their coats while in house and they stated they were cold, in fact one even was lying on the couch with the blanket she had taken to the parade t ...

Nov 19, 2012
I have been preparing for weeks for Thanksgiving. Have 4 teenaged grandkids who will only try the turkey. They usually only like mac and cheese or pizza. Should I include a homemade version of mac and cheese with my meal? There is no way I will go with the packaged stuff they usually eat. It's either that or to see them with a little turkey only on their plates. Hopefully they will change over the years. My menu includes turkey, stuffing and all the veggies one could imagine for the grownup ...

Jul 23, 2017
The group of Florida teens who filmed and laughed at a drowning man will face charges for not reporting his death, according to officials. Authorities initially said there didn’t appear to be grounds to prosecute the teens caught on camera mocking 32-year-old Jamel Dunn as he drowned in Cocoa, Florida. 'Oh, he just died': Teens mock drowning man in disturbing video 'Oh, he just died': Teens mock drowning man in disturbing video None of the teens called 911 for help ...

May 07, 2013
Wow, what an amazing story...Bless this man for caring enough to get involved in this age of apathy...Link below. ...

Jul 26, 2011
2 N.J. teens labeled sex offenders for life after 'horseplay' incident Published: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 8:30 AM Updated: Saturday, July 23, 2011, 11:07 AM By MaryAnn Spoto/The Star-Ledger The Star-Ledger Ed Murray/The Star-LedgerJudge Victor Ashrafi, pictured in this file photo from 2004, is one of the three New Jersey appeals court judges who ruled that two young teenagers must ...