Severe depression and anxiety

Posted: May 16, 2016

This is going to be all over the place, but please bear with me. I have to get this out. I've been fighting severe depression since I lost my dad, and that was in 2011. I went for months and months not even wanting to get out of bed, waking up and immediately having a panic attack. Who has a panic attack when they first wake up? It seems as thought negative life events have just piled up so far, that I don't have the energy or the motivation to care anymore. I was molested twice when I was around 7 years old and then again at 11 by trusted family members, one of them my dad's brother-in-law and favorite fishing partner, and I worshipped the ground my dad walked on. So if this uncle did this to me (and I had no idea what was happening and didn't even have the words to tell anyone) then in my child's mind, it must have been okay with my father. Of course that's not true, but I didn't know that then. I grew up promiscuious. I had a brother who was five years younger that my parents doted on, and my mom STILL makes it painfully obvious whom she prefers. I've had six counselors, 3 husbands, the husbands all either emotionally and/or physically abusive and the older I am, the more difficult it all is to deal with. I matured early, around 11, and my family never talked about the body below the neck, and I'm not exaggerating. When I started my period, my father handed me a pamphlet. My mother never said a word, never taught me anything about my body or anything else. Here's an example of my mother's favoritism. Not too long ago, I went to see her one morning. I grabbed a cup, aiming to pour some coffee. She said in a very hateful way, "That's Dennis' cup"! You've got to be kidding me, right? Nope. From that point on, I stopped trying to please her. I also thought back to when I was growing up and the blatant favoritism I lived with. She's older and more frail now. When I try to help her in and out of the car or hand her anything, she can't jerk her hand away fast enough. When my brother does the same thing, she looks at him with adoration as if God himself stepped down to help her. My dad didn't show it as much. I was very close to my father, and it just about killed me when he died in 2011. Now, I just don't care about pleasing her very much, and I feel guilty because of that. She's old and won't be around much longer, but I don't know what else I can do to try to get her to like me. Maybe I should just accept it and try to forget about it. When I say I matured early, I looked like a 16-year-old at 11 years of age, and my extended family made me feel awful because of it. Yet, they never tried to talk to me or teach me anything, nothing. Yet, they would say disparaging things to me such as, "don't try to trap a boy." I didn't even know what they were talking about except I knew whatever it was, it was wrong, and it had to do with me. I've always felt very inferior to everyone, and I still do at this late stage of my life. I feel I HAVE to please men or they won't like me, so I will bend over backward for approval, and I can't seem to stop. I've gone to counseling so much that I don't see how it can help me. I know what's right in my head, but my heart disagrees. I don't expect any answers from anyone but I just had to get this out one more time. There's so much more, but I'm trying to be merciful. I have good qualities. I love animals, growing plants and flowers, and that's pretty much all I'm good at. I'll soon be 63 years old. I wonder if there's something about me that just can't wade through all that my family did, some of it without realizing what they were really doing to me. You know what else? They don't want to hear about the molestation. I guess it makes them uncomfortable, and maybe it's not fair of me to bring it up now, so I just don't try. Once again, it just feels like I'm putting a burden on others. It sounds like a pity party doesn't it? Yep, it does, but to all who take the time to read, thank you. Maybe there's someone else out there who went through something similar growing up who's figured a way to help themselves. If so, I would appreciate hearing about it. Thank you again for listening. ;