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not what i wanted but...

Posted: Nov 22, 2010

In october I told my family that I'd be making the family thanksgiving dinner at my place. We have plenty of room, extra long buffet table and even a "butlers kitchen" (old house), so we'd do all the cooking too. A couple of my more considerate siblings pitched in some money and this week have been helping pretty the house up, taking down and cleaning the fine dishes and flatware and decorating festively.

Then the other couple of not so considerate siblings start... "I'm bringing a couple of my friends and they have kids but they're picky eaters so get hot dogs", "I'm bringing my MIL because when she heard you were having it she wanted to come here instead of her son's place, and she smokes so don't say she can't in your house", I'm not going to be able to come at 4 p.m. so can you make it either earlier or later", "I know I said I'd get the pies, but I forgot to order them so can you", we know you don't drink but you should have liquor for those who do"... I put my foot down about it all, but now it's turned all sour. I don't know who's coming or not.

I wanted this to be great and it was, but now I'm getting so down and stressed.

Just a vent. I feel like cancelling the day and would, but the turkey started to thaw today...

;

Bless you. Just a little - advice on what I would do - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I'd call the not-so considerate siblings with this:

"I hate it that I cannot accommodate your friends and MIL but I have already planned for family only. If your plans change, we'd love to have you. Your part of the costs come to $XX and I can collect that when you arrive. Happy Thanksgiving."

I'd be as nice as applie pie but I would NOT let them in the door if they have any extra people with them or if they don't have cash in hand.

Next year, you probably won't have to worry about them trying that again. :)

Just cook for those you know are coming. In fact, you might ask those whom you know are coming to come an hour earlier and eat! Then those who aren't considerate enough to let you know for sure can eat what's left over. LOL!

I think I would: - see msg.

[ In Reply To ..]
1. Cook the turkey anyway.
2. Tell the relatives Thanksgiving dinner is OFF - they're on their own.
3. Invite a few good friends, instead.

(or)

4. Make lots of turkey sandwiches, and get friends or family together Thanksgiving Day for a fun outdoor activity: Hiking, biking, skiing, long walk, window-shopping at an empty mall, a movie, a big dog-walk with lots of friends with dogs, bird-watching, take kids to airport to watch jets take off and land, just go for a nice drive, or to a local regional park, the ocean (if you live near it), kayaking, whale-watching, or, start your own tradition. Some people I know are going to shun the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Instead, they are building a huge wooden turkey, which they plan to roll to the beach somehow, and when it gets dark, set it on fire and dance around the fire. There's always something more fun to do than trying to accommodate bunch of people who won't live up to their promises to help out, and their mothers-in-law and whining, hot-dog-only-eating kids. Life is too short.

Ahhhh family and the holidays. Isn't it just so wonderful? - NOT

[ In Reply To ..]
My sister and I always host Thanksgiving and then mom does Christmas and all three of always ask everyone to bring a covered dish and then if they want to bring pies or desert items, that's great. We do the turkey and the potatoes and stuffing.

Smokers and can smoke, just have to go outside to do it. :)

I developed a thick skin years ago to extended family and their "demands." You have to or your holidays will be ruined.

When I was married, my MIL not only would tell me specifically what to bring, but also how to make it. She claimed to have an MSG allergy (she would supposedly get migraine headaches) and so I needed to use MSG-free "cream of" soups for the broccoli rice casserole or the green bean casserole. I never believed in her allergy and to prove I used all regular soups in my casserole and just to be a little wicked, I happened to have a jar of popcorn season salt which was basically all MSG, I added a bunch of that to the casserole.

It was so totally passive aggressive but it felt great to sit there and watch her eat it. And by the way she did not develop a migraine or have any kind of reaction whatsoever to the MSG.

It was childish, I know. But I got so much satisfaction from it. I know, I'm twisted. Anybody wanna recommend a good therapist?

MSG allergies - Duchess

[ In Reply To ..]
Some MSG allergies do not show up until 48 hours later or more....if she had a true allergy that was not very nice of you no matter what you think of her... I deal with multiple chemical sensitivities, MSG being one of them. My brother develops hives and goes into anaphylactic shock. Not to mention the stuff is an excitotoxin...I had horrible chronic fatigue type pain, crippling arhtiritis, eczema and skin rashes...along with stomach pains, a leg rash that would not go away and the doctors couldn't figure it out all due to MSG. I'm so glad I finally found out the answer. Believe me I understand the frustration of toxic people, but please don't make light of MSG allergies. I have people in my life who have done such things to me testing to see whether I react or not. Just because you're not around when the symptoms happen doesn't mean they don't happen.

I wasn't making light of MSG allergies. I'm sure they are very real - NOT

[ In Reply To ..]
and can be dangerous. My MIL is one of those histrionic type people who has every allergy known to mankind. If you've had an illness, she's had it twice as bad, etc. I was reasonably sure she did not have an MSG allergy or I wouldn't have done what I did.

I can assure you she was fine 24, 48, 72 500 hours after she had my MSG ladened casserole.

Like I said, I know it was childish, but it was between me, the casserole, and God.

I would have done the hot dogs, put up extra smoke alarms - and ignored the rest

[ In Reply To ..]
Just would not have responded to the other requests and if a problem? I guess they could make a scene... at least then you'd have a story!

Some people just have no manners. They think it's all about them. Selfish.

Quick story... at my daughter's graduation, different city, I reluctantly took my son's GF. She's wonderful sometimes, but when there is a special occasion, no matter WHOSE it is, it's alwasy about what SHE wants
and "if it doesn't go like this, then I'm going to pout and complain and tell the world what a terrible time I had." I knew what to expect because same thing happened at daughter's BD dinner. Daughter picked out a local place we'd never been to before, son's GF put such a nebative spin on it (she had nver been there before), that we just decided to just go to the same chain place we always go.

BTW, daughter and I went to the local place later and it ws exquisite!!

I'm just to passive though. You're between a rock and a hard place, no doubt. Just no right thing to do in that situation. People just need to learn manners and generosity.

Here's what I would do - Setting The Guidelines

[ In Reply To ..]
I would be delighted to have your friends, mother-in-law, etc.

We will be serving (whatever you choose)and it will be served at (the time you choose).

Ignore the part about the liquor and get someone else to pick up the pies. Don't even give those a second thought. They aren't important.

A smoking area is available outside for anyone who needs it.

I hope everyone will be able to be there. We'll have leftovers if anyone needs to come later, of course, but I hope you'll be able to be there when dinner is fresh and ready to be served, at (whatever time you choose).

YOU get to decide what you serve and when you serve it, and who is invited. I would give 20 minutes delay for traffic jams and other unavoidable delays, and then serve that dinner and enjoy it.

Then, "I'm so sorry that won't work for you this year but the plans are already made - and then stick to them

[ In Reply To ..]
Say it with kindness and in a very firm manner. There is no debate.

Give lots of hugs whenever anyone gets cranky. The fewer words, the better, unless you want to mumble, "Love you!" as you hug them and rush off to do whatever you need to be doing.

If someone starts to argue or complain, hand them something and tell them to take it someplace else, even if it doesn't need to be there or you have to get some other complainer to move it again a few minutes later to keep them busy. Give them something to do and let them know you are right in the middle of something and can't talk (argue).

The hot dogs would not bother me--no big deal. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
The pies, if you could still order them--then so can they, if not, order them and tell them how much they owe you. MIL--it is your house, if you don't smoke in it, then neither does she--that is just common manners.

If they can't make it at the time dinner is served, then that is their problem, not yours. My BF's sister is ALWAYS late--after several years, they don't wait. They can eat when they get there.

If not all show up and you have extra food--that is a plus--more leftovers to spread around.

Happy Turkey Day!!!

I WANT TO COME!!!!!! - Silly Girl

[ In Reply To ..]
What you originally planned sounds absolutely wonderful!!! I would have put my foot down on all of it also. The kids can eat hot dogs at their own homes before or after your celebration. The smoker can sit outside and take care of their habit (i'm sure they have to do that at other places). Dinner is at 4:00 but you can't make it then?? - you can come by later and fix a plate of what's left. As far as the liquor - get those Welch's sparkling juices that looks like wine - you don't need anyone getting overly inebriated and ruining the whole event. The ones that forgot the pies - they can run by the local grocery store and pick some up or heaven forbid - they actually make some simple pies themselves!!!

Zydah - YOU have an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving! - wish i could be there to help you out!!! :)

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