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Troubled daughter
Posted: Mar 9, 2012
I have a 17-year-old daughter who I just dont know what to do with anymore. She is in consant trouble at school, kicked-out all the time, smoking marijauna, drinking, having sex, talks back, wont do her chores, wont comply with teachers at school, sleeps through school and I have even been called up to the school for several occasions because of her bad behavior and the teachers inability to get her to calm down or cooperate. I have tried counseling, took her to the doctor. The counselor thinks she "dysthymic". She has mood swings, depression, thoughts of cutting herself, and anxiety attacks. She has medication, but will not take them and refused to continue counseling. Her dad is out of the picture and no help at all. Today I got a call from the school saying she had gotten into a fight so she was suspended for 5 days (just was suspended last week). The school police officer took her in because she had a warrant for a missed court date for an ordinance violation, they basically gave her a new court date and dropped her off at home. I told them to keep her, but that was not an option. She has an aunt back in our home town who has offered several times to take her, but I have not allowed her to go because of fear of her getting down there and getting into more trouble, plus I wanted her to remain here until she graduated next year. However, I found out from the teacher that she was planning on dropping out and she even told me that today. I have had it. I am going to let the aunt take her. It bothers me because we are so close to the end of the school year, 3 more months before Summer break. But at this point not so sure she is going to have all her credits anyway as teacher says she has fallen behind in classes and refuses to participate many days. She is in a school program for kids with "behavioral disorders" or kids who dont do well in regular school because of staying in trouble all the time, fighting, and getting kicked out. Sorry so long...just needed to vent. Any and all comments are welcome and greatly appreciated. Am I doing the right thing by just sending her off to relative with only 3 months left in school year? I mean she is really out of control, but seems to do better when she is down there with her aunt because she's close with cousins BUT STILL THE POTENTIAL of getting into trouble. Dont know what to do. I have two other daughters and they never gave me this much trouble. Both graduated high school without any problems and were never suspended or kicked out.;
sorry for your troubles - sm
[ In Reply To ..]It certainly would be a shame if she didn't finish high school. Does she want to go to her aunt's? Is the aunt willing? If so, perhaps the three of you can commit to each other that your daughter will be allowed to go IF she continues in school and graduates. I think if the aunt wants to be involved, you should be able to inlist her assistance in order to help your daughter.
Well she said she would register her for school - and yes shes been saying
[ In Reply To ..]for a while now she wants to go. I just as a parent thought it would be best to have her finish school before she went anywhere. I feel responsible until she graduates.
Its really hard because as awful as it may sound, I just want her out of here. Im tired of dealing with it.
you are in my thoughts - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I do not know if this is your sister or your ex-husband’s sister, but maybe the distance from each other will be good. Maybe her aunt has a different approach that you have not thought of. It is always good to have a village raise a child sometimes. It sounds like there may be some mental illness and/or anger going on both your daughter’s and your part. Hopefully, the right person comes along to help out in this situation. Sometimes a third party is just what the doctor ordered.
Maybe write you daughter a letter, letting her know that you only are trying your best to be a protective and loving parent and whatever animosity is between you right now that she is loved and when she is ready for the communication to begin you are always there for her. Whether you feel it appropriate to give this letter to her or not is up to you. I find writing my feeling down helps me much better than trying to decipher them in my brain with the committee of thoughts running through it.
Good luck with this decision. It is a very hard one.
thank you so much - appreciate that.
[ In Reply To ..]and its my ex-husband's sister. It is a hard decision. I told her my oldest daughter would be driving her down on Sunday.
I know that I am angry with her. I just dont understand why she is so hard to reach, I have given her everything I know how to give. She doesn't go without anything. But I give within reason, she is not spoiled.
I took her phone away today after all the up-roar. She had just gotten it back for Christmas.
Thanks again, it is a hard decision. But maybe her going is the best thing for everyone right now...I dont know.
Daughter - MT
[ In Reply To ..]The POTENTIAL IS THERE to get in trouble is one of the reasons you don't want to send her to the aunt's house, yet you are describing every possible scenario of her getting into trouble while at YOUR house. What can it possibly hurt to let her go to the aunt's house? You need a break...kids can sense stress. She is trying to get attention from you, which apparently is negative attention at this point in time and she probably needs a different environment right now and it's really not doing you any good to hang onto her when you are as miserable as you are. If she already has plans to drop out, which at 17, you can't really stop, I would say you have no other choice but to cross your fingers and hope for the best by sending her to the aunt's house that she continues with school. The work she is doing now will transfer over and she'll probably have a few extra assignments to catch up her grade. Good luck with your decision!
Have you considered - Another concerned mom
[ In Reply To ..]Have you considered taking her to a psychiatrist (I know you said she had been to a counselor) or having her admitted to the hospital to stabilize her? When I read your post it sounded a lot like the adolescent psychiatry reports I have been doing lately. If she won't take her meds, maybe she could be admitted to the hospital to be stabilized (where you could be sure she would get her meds). Maybe being there and realizing that she feels/functions better when taking her meds and receiving help through therapy and such would help her in the long run? There are also other resources in the community for troubled teens that might be able to help. A psychiatrist or your doctor could probably refer you to those.
I wouldn't feel comfortable sending her to live with her aunt when she is going through such a troubled time, but you know her and the situation better than I do. Maybe the change would be good for her if it gets her away from the wrong crowd where you are.
I'm sorry for what you are going through with your daughter. You do have a chance here to help her turn things around. I know it can be really hard to deal with. I've seen it with my sister-in-law, who ended up dropping out of school and getting pregnant at the age of 18. She is now a single mom and pregnant with her 2nd child (by a different father than the first, neither of whom she is with) and still living at home with her parents.
the thing is - see message
[ In Reply To ..]I moved from my home town about 10yrs ago and one of the biggest reasons was to bring my children to a better place and give them a better quality of life. We are from a small town and sometimes that can be good, sometimes bad. But in this case not so good. We dont live in a big city, but where we come from there was less than 30,000 people and where we are now there is about 160,000 people.
I have been having these troubles with my daughter for years, but I have tried to keep her here because I did not think going back there would be in her best interest. The goal was to make sure she graduated high school and after that, I can only pray she makes the right choices.
I did not know that they can drop out at 17. Yesterday she said such mean things about me to her dad on the phone while I was standing right there. Every time I try to talk to her, she yells and screams and says "I dont care".
I have always been worried for her future and there are many resaons for that, but if I went into every single detail I would be sitting her all day. But her attitude concerns me that she will not be able to keep a job or function properly in the real world because she does not listen and is very argumentative. I have to put up with it, but employers and such dont.
She has plenty of help and support, me, her teachers, her counselor and yet it seems to not be enough.
Comittment is not an option. - unless she tries to harm herself and
[ In Reply To ..]she has not done that. So medications and counseling is what have been tried. I would have to literally tell them that she tried to hurt herself in order for them to comitt her and since she hasn't I cant say that. But I get where your coming from and thank you for responding.
I have a niece like this - Auntie
[ In Reply To ..]I have a now 19 y/o niece who has a similar background to your daughter. She dropped out in 9th grade, however, and gave her mother (my sister) hell. Last year, my sister moved to be near me due to health reasons, and my niece came also mainly because no one would take her in, unemployed and lazy.
So, she comes here and immediately she meets an immovable force - her uncle and I. She is told what she needs to do: GED, job training, college. I got told to F-off, but I kept coming back. She had a huge meltdown and was admitted. After she got out, I took her for a day out to talk to her. It was very eye opening. She has hopes and dreams but is paralyzed by fear and dreads failure. I talked to her a long time and we even toured a college. She still has a whiny attitude, but she is finishing her GED studies, is starting a state vocational training program, and we are paying for her to take a college course.
I think it might be good to let your daughter go. Encourage her to take GED courses. My niece actually likes the classes since they are very relaxed, and she is treated very differently than at high school.
Recently at a Sunday school class, a lady shared the story of her son, involved in drugs, and how she told him to leave the day he turned 18. He moved in with an uncle and completed technical school. The uncle found alcohol and told him to leave. Her son is working now and on his own. Some kids have a tough adjustment in life. I pray you get some peace in your life.
Thank you PRAYER is exactly what is needed - in this situation.
[ In Reply To ..]I hope things start to turn around for her soon, I really do. I am so worried for her, that she will end up in jail, hurt or something. I just pray that God protects her all the time and keeps her safe from harm.
I really pray that God does for her what I for some reason cant seem to do. Thanks again for the response.
Well she's gone. - they just left.
[ In Reply To ..]Probably wont hit me for a couple days, but will see what happens. I hope I made the right decision.
Daughter - Auntie
[ In Reply To ..]I think you did the right thing. I agree with the other poster who said that it would not hurt to try the aunt's house since it was not working out at home. Please let us know how she is doing.
I will update once things are all settled. - thanks everyone!
[ In Reply To ..]nm
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