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Broken-hearted over daughter's choice....sm

Posted: Nov 27, 2009

I really am looking for some advice and support. I have a beautiful, talented, intelligent, kind, and very beloved daughter who is very, very willful, always has been, but always has been a "good girl," in second year of college to be an elementary school teacher, and I adore her, she is my oldest of three children, and my only girl. Anyway, she has been steadily seeing a very nice young man since early last Spring, and she has been very happy. We all like him so much. But they just decided to move in together, a "trial marriage," which I believe is BS, and I tried so hard for weeks to change her mind. I am a strong Christian and truly believe that living together outside of marriage is against God's will, and that they should wait until marriage. But she has done it, and they are happy, they spent Thanksgiving with us, she keeps close to me, but I am heartbroken, I cry every day because I believe that she is hurting God. I know everyone has their own thoughts about this, she is 20 and Mike is 24, am I CRAZY to feel that the "old fashioned way" is right? I read scripture daily, was brought up very close to the church, I want to keep a close relationship with her, but I feel she is doing something very wrong each day and it kills me inside. What are everyone's thoughts, and please feel free to be honest with me! Thanks, all. ;

Her decisions - Mother and grandmother

[ In Reply To ..]
Your daughter has reached the age of reason and has made her decision. What she does or does not do is no reflection on you. You raised her to think 1 way but she instead has chosen another route for herself that you think is wrong and going against your views. To cry and make yourself miserable is not doing any good, in fact you are probably just hurting yourself as you have younger children. If you want a relationship with her, you will continue to support her and if you talk against what she does then you might run the risk of her not having you in her life which would then be very hurtful, right? Try as you may, your views and hers are different, to keep on trying to force your views will only go wrong for you. You said has always been a good girl as if now she is not. Love her and then let her go.

I believe as you do... - PoodleLady

[ In Reply To ..]
...that living together outside of marriage is sin. We are also Christians and have brought up our children with the Word being the final authority. That said, I have gone through a situation with my son, not the same as you with your daughter, but definitely living in a way that is contrary to a life pleasing to God. (He not only was hurting God; he was hurting himself as well.) He knew right and wrong, yet his choices were jsut that - his. While I did cry many a tear, I let his life be his. He knew my opinion and my feelings, but I just set aside my sadness and disappointment (and worry at his safety when he was gone) and just loved him when he was with us. Fast forward - he moved back in with us, started going back to church, seeking God, and is slowly making a change for the better. It has taken a while and it is still a work in progress. My advice - just love her and pray for her. God will have to take care of the rest. You cannot be the Holy Spirit to her. He'll do that on His own. :^) Just love your sweet daughter.

I agree.. and IMHO... - beenthere

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with poodle lady. You have raised her to love the Lord, you have been an example of the lifestyle you expect her to live, but.... and it's a big but... God made her exactly the way he wanted her. This is between her and God and it is really about her relationship with Him and how he is going to grow her up. I know you don't like her choices but you have to do the one thing that is the most important.....Love her. Don't judge her, don't condemn her... just Love her. Let her know that you love her because she is your daughter, your love for her does not hinge on what choices she makes in her life, and whether or not you agree with her. She is going to need you. Please don't cry every day over this.. you are wasting time on tears that you could be using for prayer. Be strong. She is going to look at you and gauge your reaction. Maybe she is rebelling against whatever, because she CAN. Doesn't matter. Your love for has to be what makes her secure enough to come back if she is unhappy. If she feels judged and that she made you unhappy, she will not turn to you when she might need you the most. I have totally been there!

living together - truffle

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm so sorry your daughter is making this choice and I know it hurts to see her do it. I would be crying too. Try to understand how hard it is for kids these days because oh, how times have changed. The pull of the world is strong and marriage is mocked. The odds are stacked against them.

Just keep praying, give it to the Lord and don't take it back from Him. Trust him to speak to her heart.

You should let it go. Those are your beliefs - anony

[ In Reply To ..]
My mom told me once - no matter how I raised you, when you became an adult you became old enough to make your own decisions as an adult. You know right from wrong, and if you needed someone to help you think things through you asked me for my opinion. She told me that I chose a life that she would not have chosen, but as an adult they are my decisions and if I am happy she is happy.

Believing living outside of marriage is against God's will are your beliefs. Not everyone has those beliefs. My aunt and uncle are very very religious and they forced their children to follow their (aunt & uncle, not the girls) wishes. Both girls regretted not following their own minds and hearts.

If your daughter loves her boyfriend and they treat each other well and they are the happiest ever then you should be very happy for them. Marriage does not change a persons feeling for the other. For some it creates a prison that you just can't be released from. I'd rather have a daughter happy living with the man she loves than to be facing a divorce.

I wish I had lived with my husband before we married. It was a real eye opener what he was like after we married. A person totally different than the one I dated for years. Unfortunately once you are married you are trapped - yes trapped. What I mean is just because you and others may have a wonderful relationship with your spouses, not everyone does. I wished I had the chance to know my husband by living with him before we married. Even when I called my dad he begged me to live with him before I married him. If my dad and mom would have lived together they would not have gotten married and ended in divorce. So many couples I know get married before living together and their lives are miserable but then it's too late.

I think it's very wise to move in together, get to know them very well and after a year then marry.

I believe God wants everyone to be happy. Rushing into marriage is such a foolish thing (in my opinion) and does not ensure happiness.

I wouldn't say you are crazy to feel that way. A lot of people do. But times have changed. If you want to keep a close relationship with your daughter let her know you support her in any decision she makes and you are there if she ever needs you.

oops correction - dated my husband for months - not years. - anony

[ In Reply To ..]
I think if it was years I would have known him better.

I 100% agree with the above poster - Mom to many

[ In Reply To ..]
DO NOT JUDGE THEM! They are your beliefs, yours, not necessarily hers...no matter how you raised her.

My oldest daughter is married, he is deployed and she is still in college stateside. They have yet to live together and have been married a year. Do I agree with their plans, the way she keeps house, the way he spends his money? Not on your life I don't...but it is NOT my life, NOT my choices, NOT my business.

Oldest son is married. He and his wife of 5 years split last January. No kids, thank God, she is a crazy fruitcake with a wide mean streak. I have several friends the ages of my kids because they gravitate to me because I don't judge them. One of these friends, after many months of her asking for an introduction, became my son's girlfriend in a whirlwind instant and he is still married, albeit separated. Do I agree with his moving in with a dear little friend of MINE before he is divorced? No, I don't really. I think that is leaving too much business unfinished. Again, NOT my life, NOT my decisions, NOT my business!

I have always told the kids that any one I love (I love a lot of people) I would want to be happy and to have the relationships they desire. That said, it is NO BUSINESS OF MINE how they achieve that.

I have a gay brother with whom I have no relationship. He believes I shun him because he is gay and no such thing. That is not my business, but I love him and want him to be happy. It is up to him to determine how to achieve that for himself. He has no clue about who I am, doesn't care to know, his loss.

Remember that what is love is not fear. What is fear cannot be love. God is love...all that is fear is NOT GOD and therefore against God. I live by this.

invoking God - is a fine line

[ In Reply To ..]
When you say that she is hurting God you are exaggerating. Certainly, she is not hurting God. God loves everyone and forgives them everything. She is not a murderer and she is not hurting anyone. Each time you invoke the name of God to your daughter to ask her to do your will, you drive a wedge between you because you do not speak for God.

I don't believe she is exaggerating... - jd

[ In Reply To ..]
Why would living with someone before marriage not be hurting God? Yes, God is forgiving, but only to those who are repentant and stop doing what he has condemned. According to Hebrews 13:4 "Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers." You don't get much clearer than that.

I am 21 years old and have been married for 8 months. My husband and I strongly believed that it is morally wrong to live together before marriage because of what the above scripture states. I feel that living together before would have ruined a lot of the excitement and joys that come with living together as husband and wife. There is no reason you need to live together before; it is possile to get to know someone without living with them. It just takes effort and time.

I am sorry for the original poster. But beyond showing her from the scriptures how God feels, you have to let it go and let her make her own decisions. You have done everything you can and none of it reflects badly on your child-rearing. You seem like a wonderful mother to be so concerned about your daughter's spiritual wellbeing. All the best to you and hope you can achieve some peace soon.

I would never, ever, enter into a contract such as - marriage with someone I hadnt - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
lived with long enough to truly get to know them. All but one of my brothers and sisters married before living together. The only marriage that lasted (and is still going strong after over 30 years) is the sis that lived with her husband for about a year, first.

Give it time and love her lots now; she may/probably will come around - Mary

[ In Reply To ..]
I look back at being 20, and I did some really dumb things at that age. Just love her and be a good example to her. Control what you can control, which is your actions and attitudes. Let her grow up a little bit, and I bet she will come back to the fold/come back to her original upbringing with her own actions and attitudes in several years. This must really be hard, but you don't want to tune her out - she may really need you if this falls through or when she matures a bit. You sound like a caring mom, and I hope you two can stay close even if she's doing this right now.

There is nothing to "come around" from as - she is not doing anything wrong

[ In Reply To ..]
She is living her life the way she wants to live it. People need to act like she is doing something wrong. She is not. She is happy and she loves this man. There is no need to enter into a contract with another person that you end up stuck with and can't get out if it doesn't work out. Nobody should tell their kids how to live their lifes the way they (the parents) want them to live it. The daughter has not committed any crimes and I'm sure God is looking down happy because she is happy. That's all anyone should want for their kids. Let them be happy.

Daughter - Alicia

[ In Reply To ..]
Your daughter was blessed to have a good Christian mother who did her best and set a good example. She will be fine. This could be a temporary brief phase in her life but the lessons and examples she was taught as a child will always be with her, so try not to agonize. She will be fine.

Your second sentence says it all - Have 2 kids of my own

[ In Reply To ..]
You have a "beautiful, talented, intelligent, kind and very beloved daughter." That right there should tell you something. You raised her in a Christian home. Trust her to make the right decisions for herself.

Speaking as a Christian, I do not see how she is hurting God. She is with one man whom she truly loves. She is happy. Stop looking at your daughter like she is a sinner and be happy that she "keeps close" to you. What "sin" has she committed? I don't recall any of the ten commandments saying "Thou shalt not live together before marriage.

I'm not trying to make light of the situation but really this is your belief, not hers. She is old enough to make her own decisions. I don't see living together as a "trial" BS. There would probably be less divorce and fewer battered women if more people went through a trial living arrangement. You never really know someone until you live with them.

I don't think you're crazy to feel the way you do but you might ruin the relationship you have with her and the stress you're putting on yourself about this whole matter is not healthy for you either.

You asked for our thoughts. These are mine.

My mom felt the same way though she was not - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
religious. She was a virgin when she married and she wanted me to be one too. When I was 14 I told her it wasn't gonna happened that way. I told her pointblank I would live with whoever I planned to marry before we married. I did exactly that. She never held it against me, never cried, raged, etc. She also knew I was not a virgin at that point either as I'd had several long-term relationships at that point (I was 29 when I moved in with my now DH). At 20 it is unlikey she was still a virgin, though possible of course. I was engaged though before we moved in together, mainly to appease my parents but we did want to get married, and were married 9 months after we moved in together. We have been married now for 13 years. You need to get a grip on your beliefs, go talk to your minister. Christians always preach forgiveness but never seem to be able to do so when someone does something they don't believe in. As someone said here, let it go, it is done, you cannot make her a virgin again. I think she is doing the right thing and when it is my daughter's turns to make this decision for themselves I will support whatever choice they make, it is THEIR life, not yours. So if you CHOSE to make yourself miserable about this then miserable you shall be and your relationship with your daughter will suffer in the end.

Times are a' changing - Another 20 year old

[ In Reply To ..]
Just in my opinion, it's what seems to be the better decision these days to live with a person before getting married (but I think the promise of marriage should be there in the 1st place, even engagement)and the reason is because you can never truly know a man until you live with him. Until you actually have to eat, sleep, breathe and share the same space with him on a daily basis you aren't going to really know what he is like. People can act completely different between when they are out on a date and when they are in the security of their own home. I'd rather know what I'm going to have to deal with for life before getting married rather than getting married and finding out I can't stand sharing a room with him day in and day out and being divorced like everyone else these days.

You really know yourself, no one else ever - L

[ In Reply To ..]
You think living with them gives you the benefit of totally knowing, wrong. You think you know and then people will fool you. My mother married to a guy for 20 years, good husband to her and she thought he really loved her, step g'daddy to the g'children. She died, he did a complete about face, would not see the children, got rid of their pictures, did not acknowledge even being the only maternal g'father they had ever known, did not give me (only living child) her personal belongings and the list goes on. I said well at least she thought he loved her. You never know another person, living with them or not.

Broken hearted - gourdpainter

[ In Reply To ..]
You said be honest....with the divorce rate over 50%, would you feel any better if they were legally married and divorced? I don't believe that the Bible says anything about getting a piece of paper (really just another tax) from the state. I believe it speaks to commitment. If he is a nice guy and he is good to her and if she is happy then my advice is to zip your lip and just continue your relationship with her, just pretend they ARE married. She is certainly old enough to be accountable for herself. Her living arrangement is between her and God. As the twig is bent so grows the tree; it doesn't mean that some of the branches won't bend or even break. Trust me, you will be much happier if you just let go and let God. I would be much more concerned about children that might have a broken home whether they are legally married or not as the kids are always the losers when a commitment is broken, they don't know anything about legal marriage.

I'd like to truly thank ALL who posted and gave their honest....sm - Cyndiee

[ In Reply To ..]
opinions and advice to my original post. My daughter is still living with her boyfriend, but they both seem to be happy together. I just pray every night to God that if they are indeed sinning in His sight, that he be very merciful, loving, and forgiving, because they are great kids who love each other, and are going by society's way instead of Scripture's way....yes, living together outside of marriage, according to Christ, St. Paul, the apostles, etc, is indeed a sin, it is a married union which is blessed, and I do not believe that living together is benefical in any way...I have been married over 30 years to my husband, very happily, three children, and we DID NOT have to live together to know that we were right to marry. Also, if you want to exclude religion here, there have been statistical social studies regarding living together before marriage, and not, and statistics over the past few decades have shown that IT IS NOT BENEFICIAL IN ANY WAY, and that those that live together first actually have a slightly higher incidence of divorce, this comes from actual studies. And so, I will just love my daugher and Mike with all my heart, pray to our God who knows all and forgives, and hope that it all works out well. Thanks again to all who posted, I feel you are all friends here!

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