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A step-daughter


Posted: Jul 8, 2014

A few months back I posted about my stepfather, who was becoming involved with a much younger woman he met at the senior center.  He turned 90 in march;  She 70 in February.  She packs on the makeup, wears tight shorts, wears hats with a feather on, which she cocks to one side of her head.  She is disgusting.  She lies and starts trouble at every turn.

Sadly, my relationship with my stepfather is over.  He believes this woman loves him.  He has moved her in, gotten rid of everything of my mothers, bought the woman a new yellow sports car (convertible), a huge diamond ring, and all new furniture.

I should point out that I was the one in the family who literally did everything for him.  I took care of him, and even moved in for a few months after his total hip replacement.  He and I got along beautifully.  The house (which my mother died in) now goes to his new girlfriend.  It's like his mind was taken over by her.  Nothing we said or tried made any difference whatsoever.   In 10 short weeks she managed to move in and take over.  He asked me to give the house keys back, and he thanked me for everything I have ever done for him.  It was a goodbye.  I was in disbelief.  The neighbors really have lost respect for him.  They all liked me so much, and they can't believe what has happened.  I do not go to the house ever, and he never calls to even ask how I am doing.  He told me to "get a life." 

 My heart is broken.  He just can't see that she saw an easy way to get his house and money.  Of course, she tells him that we don't like her because we are the ones who want his money.  He was in my life for over 43 years.

I am reallly not asking for advice. but just wanted to update the situation to those of you who were so concerned.  There was nothing we could do, because everything he did, he did willingly.  He is obsessed with her. 

I really learned something from all of this.  Never say never. 

Thank you for reading this.

;

Run background check on her. Record/document everything. - Does he had kids?

[ In Reply To ..]
If you are his direct heir, I can understand your concern. Grafters are not hard to find. He sounds mentally sound. Back off and leave him alone with her; he may sense trouble if there are no other interferences coming through.

I agree totally with you - Very Sad

[ In Reply To ..]
I feel the way you do. I think sooner or later, and probably for him it will be too late, she will show her true colors. It was told to me at the senior center by a very reliable source, that this jerk has a trip to New York planned with another woman's boyfriend. My sister told my stepfather that, and he was furious. He told her she was "butting into my personal business, and I don't like it one bit." He used a tone of voice with us that we have never heard before. He is a changed person. He is totally flattered by this younger, attractive woman who tells him she loves him. When he returned my sister's Father's Day card to her (unopened) in the mail, I think that says it all. He is furious at my sister for having her friend do the background check, and has closed the door to us. He just won't hear that his "baby" (as he calls her) is anything but wonderful. He told me "You should see all the angels she has sitting around the house since she redecorated." I want to gag. She constantly tells people how she is a Christian and attends church regularly. Maybe one day she will learn something there. Most people at the senior center can't stand her. They told me she is a "big mouth trouble maker."

My stepfather was married once before his marriage to my mother. He had no biological children.

I understand your hurt...But - nana

[ In Reply To ..]
I understand your hurt, like everything for the last 43 years gone. If you truely want him to be in your life you are going to have to accept her for him. It sounds like you two had a wonderful relationship for all those years and you cannot let your feelings for this woman interfere with that.

My grown daughter, married a man I can't stand. I gave her my opinion when he asked us to marry her but she said we were wrong. I had to respect her wishes. They married, have been married for 12 years and I still can't stand that SOB. He gets under my skin all the time, has caused trouble in the family. But to keep my daughter and grandchildren in our lives we have to accept him as who she wants to be with.
He has had affairs on her numerous times and he breaks her heart which makes me hate him even more, but I keep my opinion to myself and just be there for her and tell her whatever she chooses to do we will help and support her. You don't know how badly I want to rip his throat out because of the hurt he has caused her but I know she will side with him and I will lose her.

The point is if you want him in your life you need to talk to him about how you feel and tell him you miss being in his life. Yes, you take the chance of him not wanting you in his life anymore but you have to try.

I have read both of your posts and your hurt is obvious. Let him know how hurt you are. Not because of the money or the house but because you love him. It is his choice who he is going to be with. You may know the real truth of why she is with him but she is with him.

If you want him in your life you have to accept her or you will lose him forever. Maybe he is just as hurt as you are but is not going to be given a choice. He has made his choice, now regardless of your feelings the ball is in your court to take the next step.

Just my opinion.

A reply to both of your posts - Very Sad

[ In Reply To ..]
I have told my stepfather on many, many occasions how I miss him. I had a conversation with him on the telephone the day the woman treated me horribly at the senior center . . then told him I was the one who was mean to her. I wept for an hour on the phone with him. I told him he was my best friend, and that all of a sudden I am without him. I told him there was never a dollar sign on his head. I told him over the years if he had not one dime, I still would have stood by his side. I pleaded with him and told him we were his family for over 40 years, and that he just knew this woman a few short months. He agreed with all that, and then finished again by saying "I have moved on. You need to get a life." He cares about nothing but her. Once I tried to talk to him about a potentially life-threatening condition my niece is dealing with. He didn't even bother to listen to me, and began once again talking about "Joyce." He was like a teenager with raging hormones. I got angry and asked if it was possible to talk about anything else. I told him I was trying to talk about Teresa's serious medical condition, and asked him to please respect me and listen to me.

I repeatedly asked him for time to see him before this woman moved in. Finally he told me to come up on a Thursday evening. I was there for not five minutes when she called. He jumped out of the chair like he was on fire. He grabbed the phone, went into the TV room, closed the door and came out an hour later. I was in the process of leaving. I told him he continues to hurt me, and he admitted it. I told him he should have told her he was visiting with his stepdaughter, and that he would talk to her later. No deal. She came first. He has ended conversations with me on the phone when the woman deliberately called his cell phone when she knew he was already in a conversation. He took her call and hung up on me. There truly is nothing we can do.

The woman actually convinced him to keep all my mother's Hummels and not allow us to have one of them. Mom had dozens of them. The witch will sell them for whatever she can get, I am sure.

As far as the background check, we did that. She has a crimal record for credit card fraud. She did not spend time in jail, but had to pay over $20,000 in fines. My stepfather ended up paying the last $8,6000 for her to "put that behind her." He was furious when we approached him about this and told him what we found. He returned my sister's Father's Day card because a friend of hers did te background check. She told him that she took the rap for her daughter, and that she was not at fault. Of course, he believes her.

We have done all we could have done. He simply wants only her, and he states, he has "moved on."

I truly thank you for your replies, and I understand why you suggested what you did. Thanks so much for caring.

There are things to do and I think I posted them - but maybe you did not read

[ In Reply To ..]
There is a law against taking advantage of an elderly - "elderly abuse." This could mean anything from beating them up to taking their money like this person seems to want to do. I know for sure. I was going to take my father and his much younger than me, married girlfrriend to court after my stepmom died because this person was trying her best to get his money, his property and anything she could. There are laws. A person has to get an attorney specializing in this field (no cost to me), have them file the papers and then show up. Mine was supposed to have been on a Monday, father accidentally killed on the weekend before and his "friend" went to the bank the day after he died and took out her $60,000.00 from the bank. He also had bought her a new car prior so I figured she got him for at least $100,000.00 prior to the court case but at least I was trying to put a stop to it.

Nothing we could do - Very Sad

[ In Reply To ..]
Even though we know what she was up to, you would have to prove the elderly person as incompetent, which he is not. He takes care of all of his affairs, pays his own bills, everything. He is menally sharp as a tack. He truly loves this woman. Of course, she tells him the same thing. There is no law against him having a girlfriend, and no law against him using his money any way he chooses. Believe me, we have looked into options. I even called my friend's husband who is a retired police officer. My stepfather made choices of his own free will, and he is being treated beautifully by this woman, at least for now. He is completely happy. She gushes over him, rubs his shoulders, tells everyone he is the most wonderful man she has ever met. For the past few months we have done nothing but try to put a stop to this. The only thing it accomplished was alienating him from us. When they did the house over he told my niece to take all the family pictures. He said they don't have room for them. The only thing he wants now is this woman. My family always had a wonderful relationship with him.

very sad - nana

[ In Reply To ..]
I am sorry but my opinion has changed. You state she treats him beautifully. He is completely happy. She gushes over him, rubs his shoulders, tells everyone he is a wonderful man. What is wrong with that. Why would you not want him to spend his last days or years being happy. Sounds like you are stuck in the past and want him to be stuck there too. And all I keep hearing you say is we are trying to stop that. If it not for what you think is rightfully yours then for what reason?

For all you know he has a will and you all are in that will.

My kids have a stepdad too and what I keep telling my husband and my children is if you make me choose then you will lose. Sounds like you lost. He chose and since you could't accept her he threw you to the curb. Sounds like he has very good morals.

I just don't understand why you don't want him to be happy. Sounds like you want him to live in the past like you are. Leave everything the way it was when your mom was alive. He needs to move on and he did. Too bad you couldn't accept his decision and continue to be part of his life. You sound very selfish to me.

Sorry but that is my opinion and awfully glad you are not my stepdaugther or I would throw you to the curb also. I hope my husbands kids or my kids wouldn't do that to either one of us just because of money.

If he died tomorrow how would you feel. I would hope ashamed of yourself.
Perhaps you should know - Very Sad
[ In Reply To ..]
That he told me I was the best stepdaughter anyone could have. Maybe you would do OK by me after all.

In my original post some months back I stated how she took me aside in the kitchen and whispered to me that there is nothing and never could be anything with him. She shrugged her shoulders and laughed as she looked at him on the porch, out of earshot. She told me then that she felt he wanted more, and that would never, ever happen. She constantly told him how poor she was. One hour after she told me she didn't want him hoping for more she bent down and kissed him on the mouth. Some way to discourage someone isn't it?

One week after he told her she could live with him and save her social security money every month her feelings changed. She told him how she was developing strong feelings for him, and that she wanted to spend more and more time with him. Quite a change within one week isn't it?

When they had a garage sale my best friend went to the sale and asked her friend to put back some carnival glass of mom's for me. I was having a heart cath and could not go myself. The friend put some back for me and then said to my friend "Joyce is going to be mad at me for this." My friend did not trust that, went back three hours later and Joyce had put my pieces of mom's back out to sell to the public. Nice, isn't it? I wonder how she would feel if they were her mother's items.

Think what you may, dear. I have been faithful to the end. I stated earlier how I cried to him on the phone and only wanted time with him. Selfish of me isn't it? To think I would have the nerve to want a private conversation or a visit with my stepdad after 43 years. Shameful, isn't it?

You would have your prayers answered if you had a family member who was as faithful as me.

An one last thing. I told him on the phone aboout 2 dozen times that I want him to be happy, and I do. I would never, ever have chosen her, but for now he is happy. He thanked me for that and told me what a wonderful job I have always done for him and mom.

Would you want your elderly parent to get involved with a flashy thing who does nothing but lie? I want more for him, but I have accepted this is the way it is. I have backed off for that very reason. He told me on the last conversation that he is not upset with me in the least. Why are you? You have no right whatsoever to tell me to be ashamed. I am proud of the daughter I have been. Everyone who knows me including the neighbors have said that repeatedly. They have one adavanage over you. They know me.

Fear of dying is powerful force... - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe all the money he is spending, alienating his family, etc, is all worth it to him - to feel "like a teenager again." To be "in love," whatever it is emotionally it is giving him. Maybe he felt like he never got that "special feeling" before in his life - who knows. Death is on the horizon for him. Maybe he's having a really, really late "midlife" crisis.

Not justifying his behavior (or "tilted hat" woman's behavior). The other day at work a 93-year-old man came in. He still had his mental faculties, aware, alert. Still had charm. Still getting around. I could see a woman in her 70s seeing him in a sexual way.

When the stepdad says, "get a life," actually, that's a great piece of advice. If no laws are being broken, let it go. For your own sake. Maybe face the fact that the "wonderful" relationship he had with your family was in some ways...not all it was cracked up to be. Ever. He's a stepdad, not a dad. Just a stepdad. Now he's letting go. Harsh, but reality.

I also wonder, are you avoiding living your own life, by being so invested in his? Maybe somewhere inside you, you'd like to feel "swept off your feet" and indulged like this hot-pants-wearing 70-year-old (Yoko Ono still wears short-shorts, and she's 80 now) is indulging your dad. Consider all possible meanings of this situation for you - not just the official "heroic" version, or your feelings are hurt, it's so painful - maybe you're a little jealous?

There's a Bill Withers song, here's the lyrics. Not the healthiest relationship dynamic, but there it is:


My friends feel it's their appointed duty
They keep trying to tell me here
All you want to do is use me
But my answer, yeah to all that use me stuff

I, I, I, is that I wanna spread the news
That if it feels this good getting used
Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up

My brother sit me right down and he talked to me
He told me that I ought not to let you just walk on me
And I'm sure he meant well, yeah, but when our talk was through

I, I, I said brother if you only knew
You'd wish that you were in my shoes
You just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up

Oh sometimes, yeah, it's true you really do abuse me
You get me in a crowd of high class people
And then you act real rude to me
But oh baby, baby, baby, baby, when you love me, I can't get enough

I and I wanna spread the news
That if it feels this good getting used
Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up

Talking about you using me
But it all depends on what you do
It ain't too bad the way you're using me
'Cause I sure am using you to do the things you do


One last thing - Very Sad
[ In Reply To ..]
My stepfather is not angry with me. My sister is another issue. He is furious with her. It is only because I cannot accept the girlfriend that he no longer calls. I told him he needs his space, and that I want him to be happy. I just can't try to socialize with her. She has done way more than I have posted on this board.

He actually wanted to bring her to our family picnic, but because of what my sister did with the background check he told me he would not be there. He said because of that he thinks it best to cut ties with the family. I understand he wants the last years of his life to be happy. I never, ever blamed him for that. I call myself Very Sad because I miss him so very much.

Thank you for understanding how we feel - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
This woman bragged and laughed to my friend about all the expensive things he is buying for her. Of course she is laying it on thick with him now. I would be interested to see her interest level in him if he suddenly took all the material things back. I am so sorry to hear of your situation and your father's death. People need to be aware this sort of thing happens often with the elderly. My stepfather was an easy mark, and this woman moved very quickly.

Not to be morose but...SM - hmmm

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm sure you've already considered this, but are you sure his death was caused by accident? Maybe I watch too much ID Discovery network but...

You don't have to explain the details. I just wanted to make sure you had considered maybe the "accident" was convenient.

dad and younger girlfriend - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm with the other poster. You are probably going to have to develop some kind of relationship with this women, even if you have to paste a fake smile on your face and control your gag reflex. Your dad is probably very lonely and also VERY flattered. It's his choice. Just like it would be your choice even if someone didn't like your choice. If or when this all goes to crap, he's going to need you. I agree with doing a background check and document, document, document. You don't have to show him now what you've found but keep it just in case the time comes when it's needed. Keep an eye on his mental condition; dementia etc., and if possible what she's doing with his money. It's against the law to bilk an older person. I'm sure he still loves you but may be getting pressure from a greedy jealous woman. I know you we in each others lives for 43 years, but companionship with his daughter is totally different than a romantic relationship, and if he's been in your life 43 years, he's probably overwhelmed that he has someone he can have romantic feelings for. Try to stay in his life. You may be his saving grace if this woman turns out the way you think she will. Good luck!

Background check already done - Very Sad

[ In Reply To ..]
I referred to this in my post to both of the initial replies. When my sister confronted him with the "news" he was furious. He already knew about the criminal record, but as I stated this woman had already told him about the fines, and told him it was her daughter who was guilty, not her. We tried to tell him that the reason she even told him about the fines was, of course, so he would pay it off. He did exactly that. Thanks for your reply. It is a sad, sad situation.

As far as putting a smile on my face with this woman, it is impossible. She has lied to him about me, lied to my sister about me, lied at the senior center about me. She lies about my sister to my face, and then lies to my sister about me. She is evil. My stepfather cut the ties with me when he told me to "get a life." I am not the one who has cut the ties. He has, in favor of this woman. I hope people understand that. I went into a lengthy explantion above about how I begged to keep him in my life. He could AT LEAST call me and ask how I am. Nothing.

You need a plant - a romance scam of

[ In Reply To ..]
your own. Find some man who appears to be wealthy, pays a lot of attention to her, and she will run as fast as she can to her new target. I know it sounds unorthodox, but it will work. I know the type. If you have a friend of a friend that can pull this off, or hire an actor. It took the local actor (from a different part of the state) 2 dates. one weekend, and mission accomplished. She told my uncle it wasn't going to work out, packed her things, showed up at the condo we rented (short term), to find us waiting. I know it sounds cruel, and he will get hurt, but the longer it goes on the more hurt he will be. Total cost was about $5,000.00, the look on her face, priceless! And saved my uncle's life savings.
Thank You - OP
[ In Reply To ..]
I was not going to respond to any more comments, but this was worth it. The idea is genius. I wish we had the money for something like this, but we are not in a position to do this. I applaud you for what you did. The bottom line is protecting our elderly loved ones. If I did not love him, I would not care. It's not the money I will miss. It's the relationship with him. My life will never be the same. She moved so quickly, and flattered him (and still does, of course) to the point it was sickening. She constantly winks at him, and there he stands. Holes in his T-shirt and all. (Trust me. I bought him new underwear several times! He insists on keeping things until they fall apart. This is the odd couple, indeed. He was bamboozled and hit like a ton of rocks from the beginning. Her nest is very well feathered, thanks to the money he and my mother worked all their lives for. Thanks again for your idea. I would pay to see the look on her face if we could get a video of ner in New York with the guy she has plans with.

Thank You, anon - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Your post really hit home. Thank you for saying you are sure he still loves me. I know he has to. We shared our loves together. After mom died he and I became closer than ever. I saw to his every need, and I was there so he would not be lonely. However, as you pointed out, that type of relationship does not compare to one where you are knocked off your feet with that "walking on clouds" feeling. She knew what to do, and she knew how fast to do it. She created enough turmoil (always behind his back) with the family that we just disappeared. We tried to tell him of her lies, but he refuses to hear it. Once she moved in, I backed off completely. My sister, on the other hand, called the house and screamed at the woman, calling her every name in the book. That, of course, put the final nail in my sister's coffin. She said she just could not help herself. She is furious at the woman, as we all are. However, I have come to terms with things a little better now. I know I must move on. Some things in life we just cannot change. I will always care deeply for him, although there is still a lot of hurt. Best to you, anon!

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We adopted a dog about three months ago.  She was six months when we got her.  She's a chihuahua/rat terrier mix.  She is as sweet as she can be and has basically become "my" dog in that we have bonded and love each other, but recently she's started snapping at my daughter.  At night, I let the dog up on the bed with me while I watch TV and my daughter usually cuddles with me.  Lately, the dog has taken to growling at my daughter when she gets in bed.  And ...

Why Does Brangelina's DaughterDec 04, 2010
Shiloh (sp?) always look like a boy?  She never looks like a girl, always dressed in boy-ish clothes.  I thought I read somewhere that she likes to be called by a different name... a boy's name... but don't remember what it was.  What's up with that?  I don't get it.  ...

Please Pray For My DaughterDec 01, 2010
My daughter is disabled with Rheumatoid Arthritis and also has Diabetes.  Her name is Brandi and she has had 24 surgeries due to RA since she was 14.  She is now 23.  Brandi is 12 weeks pregnant.  Please pray for good health for my daughter and grandchild.    Thank you, Tammy ...

HELP!! Daughter Out Of ControlJul 07, 2011
My oldest daughter, 19 years, is on my last nerve.  She is totally out of control and I am about to throw her out.  Her plans for college are out the window.  She started working at a resturant, is making a little money and has decided that "college would be too expensive".  She had a scholarship of $5000 per semester, but isn't going to use it!  She actually called the college that accepted her and told them she wasn't coming! She is staying out very late or ...

Troubled DaughterMar 09, 2012
I have a 17-year-old daughter who I just dont know what to do with anymore. She is in consant trouble at school, kicked-out all the time, smoking marijauna, drinking, having sex, talks back, wont do her chores, wont comply with teachers at school, sleeps through school and I have even been called up to the school for several occasions because of her bad behavior and the teachers inability to get her to calm down or cooperate. I have tried counseling, took her to the doctor. The counselor th ...

Help With My Daughter's IllnessOct 04, 2011
My daughter is 38 and puts off going to the doctor like her Mom does.  A couple of weeks ago, she went to doc because she had been bleeding in-between her periods, but also very heavy menstrual cycles, to the point of being anemic.  She also was having pressure and pain in her abdomen. She was found to have a tumor/fibroid about the size of a cantaloupe in/on her uterus.  She went for biopsy yesterday and they could not pass scope due to its size and pressure on other organs.&nbs ...

Disappointed Daughter...Jun 18, 2012
I have been astranged from my dad for 8 months now.  I got another phone and new number, not just because of him but other reasons too, and never shared my # and neither did anyone else who knew it.  I moved and he did not know exactly where I lived, knew the general area, but didn't know where exactly.  My reasoning was a few years of him constantly borrowing money, never paying it back, constantly wanting to borrow this or that, mostly money though.  Had actually stol ...

Daughter With AgoraphobiaAug 25, 2012
A very bad beginning to the weekend, which started out so hopefully.  My daughter, who is turning 21 in a few weeks, has been diagnosed with agoraphobia.  Three years ago she started college, which turned out to be disasterous becuase of the combination of living in a dorm with three binge drinkers and her anxiety disorder.  She had to transfer to a local college and commute, which she's done for the last two years, and live at home.  But the local college doesn't h ...

Please Pray For Me And My Daughter Dec 10, 2013
I made arrangements to pay part of my rent late this month.  I have to pay by the 20th, but there is no way I am going to have the funds.  If nothing changes, I will be evicted on December 23.  I don't know how to explain this to my 10 yo little girl.  How do I say Merry Christmas to her?  Today I got a notice from the MTSO where I work that my pay is being cut AND I got a notice from the IRS stating they were putting a lien on my bank account for back taxes.  ...