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Have an older daughter and I mostly stay out of her

Posted: Feb 17, 2014

My daughter is past 35. She was married before but that ended in divorce a few years ago. I was very at ease when she was married and figured her husband had her back. Fast forward. We live in the same town. She is now divorced and I am her next of kin. I know absolutely nothing about her business, not where she banks, not where she has her medical insurance, would think probably with her job, but not sure, don't know her physician's name, passwords to her computer, absolutely nothing, not a key to her apartment. I don't care about her wanting to be secret but what worries me is what is something should happen to her. I would be the first one they would call on. I talked with her about 2 months ago telling her I thought she should tell me or someone else she would have the upmost confidence in and nothing. Has anyone had the same issue or even if you haven't, would you say or do anything else? TIA

;

Well - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
It doesn't sound like you have a close relationship with your daughter. I'm assuming you have her home address and know where she works.

I don't see anyone needing anyone's password information on their computer, so maybe she was put off by that request.

It just seems odd that you guys don't even talk about health insurance and doctors---that's stuff that usually just sort of comes up in conversation, which is why it doesn't sound to me like you have a close relationship.

Not having a close relationship still does not - answer my question though

[ In Reply To ..]
We visit some, not that often. We talk sometimes, not that often. I have visited in her home, she in mine and know where she works. As far as the computer, I did not want it for any information other than perhaps if something happened, she should have most on her computer I would think. I have the password to my husband's and never even think about looking there and his in the same house. I do not look for warm and fuzzy but only think someone, if not me, someone should know just in a what if case.

I understand your dilemma - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I can see your point. You're just looking out for her in case something happens because you don't think she has anyone in charge if she does. She might have asked her best friend to be her health care power of attorney or at least to make decisions for her if she can't. That's what I've done. I'm closer emotionally and logistically to my best friend of 25 years than I am to anyone in my family. I've told her of my wishes if I were unable to care for myself. She knows my wishes if I were to be deemed brain-dead. So maybe that's what your daughter has decided to do. Maybe she's not trying to shut you out but to save you the heartache of having to make those life and death decisions on her behalf. Just a thought.

I suppose the response really depends on what you will need--sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
to do as next of kin. If she has no children, I would say nothing else. If necessary, during an emergency, some of those things can be figured out. You could get access to her apartment in an emergency situation, if need be. If she is reasonably healthy, what doctor she sees means little. If she has chronic health problems, then it would be more important to know. Health insurance will be the hospital's headache, etc. If she were to pass unexpectedly, then there are legal channels for handling everything. Hopefully you will never need to utilize it. So I would not ask anything else about it.

Maybe more likely - anony

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe she is taking responsibility for herself and her life, which isn't a bad thing. It is more likely that you will be needing assistance from her, than her from you. Does she know your computer password, bank, doctors, etc?

I am divorced with no children, and was very close to my mom until she passed away, but she didn't know any of those things about me.

From OP, anony when saying more likely I will need - assistance from her

[ In Reply To ..]
I never assume, just don't and this is why I say this. My daughter was diagnosed with HIV over 20 years ago, does not take medication. So we cannot assume she would more than likely take care. I have a husband. She is divorced. My husband knows things a next of kin should, passwords (or where to find those), checking accounts (we have separate) but we also have each other's names on our checks just in case, insurance information (I have some separate from his insurance and then some we have combined), keys to the house and various important issues. When my father living his wife, who was my stepmother, was his next of kin. When she died I then approached him and asked him the information I think a person should know. It is not I am interested in their business. I just think anyone who might be responsible for their matters should know.

So, now you drop the bomb - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
You really didn't give much info the first time around. Since she has HIV, she knows that she may go before you, possibly. Under normal circumstances, I would say she would assume you would "go" before she would and you wouldn't need the information. That's why her HIV status was important to tell us.

I guess all you can do is trust that she has someone in her life that knows what they need to know.

Not bomb, if I am a next of kin, does not matter - your age, your health status

[ In Reply To ..]
I think it is upmost to know. A person never knows what life will bring, never. You can get killed in an accident, a baby in town just this last week, my brother at an early age of less than 40 so if healthy or not, that is not the issue here. I never thought about this when she was married and now since she isn't these are my thoughts. I doubt she has shared with others but I did try and ask.

I agree with you. - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
BTW, it's "utmost" not upmost ;)

My Point Was - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
When I said it was a "bomb" kind of it was, because my original advice would have been to try and trust your daughter that she has this taken care of, since she knows she may very well go before you do. The odds of that happening here are greater than a fluke accident.

If she's a flibberty-jibbit and hasn't given this a second thought, then there's not much more anyone can do.

Since she has HIV, I'm assuming she's under doctor's care. Under certain circumstances, doctors are allowed to turn over records to who needs them. They also often encourage having an emergency contact, whether you have a health issue or not, so try to trust that she has done that.

Good luck.

Utmost - ...

[ In Reply To ..]
The word you are looking for is utmost.

You can look it up if you don't believe me.

Utmost was called to my attention - twice....

[ In Reply To ..]
....

you have made this all about you while trying to convince us - it is in her best interest

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you are a busy body that she keeps at arms' distance because you don't know how to respect her boundaries.

Your whole post is how it would make your job harder as her next-of-kin, not how it would improve the quality of her life. Very self-centered. If she doesn't want to include you in her plans after you mentioned it to her, then treat her like the adult she is and respect her choice to live her life they way she sees fit. Baring mental incapacity due to a psychiatric illness, it really is none of your business.

geesh. you and my ex-MIL.

I agree - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
She has no close relationship with her daughter, yet expects the daughter to tell all.

The daughter must have a reason for not feeling close to mom. Maybe mom was distant all the kid's life, maybe mom has always been a busy-body to the point of overkill, maybe mom is totally selfish. All these are good reasons for the daughter to distance herself from her mother.

Mom, leave it be. You aren't close with your daughter (for whatever reason) and now all of a sudden you care, supposedly for your daughter's sake? Maybe it's guilt for you not being there for her in the past? Not an accusation, just something for you to think about.

I have always been there for my daughter, always - Not every relationship is close

[ In Reply To ..]
When I first found out about her HIV status it was the worse day ever of my life, like being hit with a brick wall. I hovered and when she married later on I was relieved to know she had someone to have her back and she could count on. We are not distanced, in fact talked today. We are not bound by an umbilical cord. She and I are going on vacation together later this summer for about 2 weeks. Busy-body, hardly suits me. This is definitely not about me but it seems that you cannot ask a simple question here without someone turning it into something really different from what we both have. I am there for her if she needs and I am sure the same for her. I don't pry and I am not into her life because she wants a personal life and that is fine with me. I only wish her the most in life and the happiness that goes along with it. How people can think I made this about myself is beyond me. I guess when I asked my father the similar it was about me also? I surely cannot figure this out but oh, well.

Just one more thing and then finished - with this

[ In Reply To ..]
I talked above about my father, never asked about his affairs until he was 87 years old. Next of kin after his wife died, thought I should ask. I have a son, married and never have asked him about his affairs. He has a next of kin and that is his wife. Others here try to make something out of this that I really do not understand. I am never intrusive with her or others, just think something that I or someone else she trusts should know. As far as not being there, she told me about a year ago she had the most perfect childhood anyone could imagine. I doubt she would have said that if I were the big bad wolf that others would like to think I am.

A lot of people just do not think about it. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Few people plan ahead.

Your interest in this seems to be to make things easier on yourself if she gets sick. Let me ease your mind on that. I just went through it.

You are not responsible for her bills or debts. Do not sign anything agreeing to be responsible to pay. The hospital can and will find out her insurance info. Look in her purse for the card or have the hospital call the employer. If you are NOK, then you can sign consents to treat. That is all that matters.

You do not have to be her guardian. The state can appoint one, and it may save you from a lot of trouble. Medicaid will pay.

Chances are nothing in her computer is anything you need. If it comes to that, take it to a computer shop. If they can't break in, just forget it.

This is how she wants things. Let her have it that way.

That is the advice a banker and 2 lawyers gave me. They were spot on.

Thanks for the input and the information - I appreciate it

[ In Reply To ..]
Really do.

you aren't finished or you would not have come here - to ask strangers

[ In Reply To ..]
You are not married to your daughter. Your daughter is not your father. You mentioned the situation to her. She did not reciprocate. If you were okay with leaving things alone, you would not have come here to seek reinforcements. As to being being finished, you are far from it. When you say "just think something that I or someone else she trusts should know," and then ask us, you are giving us the message that because it was not YOU (or told you who she did this with) you do not trust that she is taking care of herself. For all you know, she has a will that states her computer and bank accounts are to be given to the Salvation Army and has cut you out of knowing the intimate details of her life.

No, you aren't finished.

You are really a very sick person. I hope you - can find some help

[ In Reply To ..]
The most sick thing I have heard on this board, ever.

gee, would that be professional help or just help - from this board

[ In Reply To ..]
NM

Not the OP - But, that was harsh

[ In Reply To ..]
I think this whole thing is a little weird, too, but your comment was very harsh and uncalled for.

Mom gave us almost nothing to go on, then expected us to understand the situation, but you really shouldn't have called her sick.

Mom, not sure why you feel that all of a sudden you should feel close to your daughter or expect her to feel close to you, when obviously you never were close. It's a bit bizarre that you would even wonder about computer passwords; that one would never even cross my mind.

We have no children, but I had a discussion with my siblings as to where our valuables are in the event something happens to my husband and myself, and who we were naming as executor of our will. I also told them which sibling was named as an emergency contact in our doctor's records. And that was that.

My son is over 30 and I would never ask him these questions - treat my adult child like an adult

[ In Reply To ..]
Do I really need to know what is on his computer? No. Do I need to cancel his accounts? No. Am I responsible for anything more than burying him? Not legally, and only because I care for him and would like to visit his grave if he passes before me, but that makes it about me, not him. If he has a will that ties up the loose ends of his final arrangements, all the better. I don't even have to agree with his plans.

A child over the age of 30 really does not owe you the answers that you are demanding from your daughter. I don't say that because I think you somehow are lacking as her mother. I say that because that is reality and is the mature way to handle things.

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