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Daughter moving out/ boyfriend's mom
Posted: Jul 2, 2014
So my daughter is going to start her 3rd year in college soon (pre med). She just transfered to a different university. Up until now she lived at home and went to a university about 30 miles from here. Her new school is only 30 minutes away as well, but her and her boyfriend decided to rent an apartment very close to the school and move in together. Even though I am a very sad mom, I totally understand that they would like to move together.
Her boyfriend is an only child, and it shows. He is very spoiled, and his mom does everything for him! My boys learned how to cook and do laundry, but the boyfriend doesn't know how to. I do like the boyfriend, but it concerns me that he is so spoiled.
His mother and grandmother bought so many things for the apartment....it is not even funny. They even bought laundry detergent so my daughter will use the same stuff his mom is using at home for his laundry. They bought a TV, all bathroom stuff, towels, pots and pans..you name it.
We bought a few things as well when we went shopping with our daughter, but the boyfriend's mom always tries to top it. I bought some cute dishes for 6 people, and today the boyfriend told me is mom gave them dishes yesterday. Really? It really is starting to make me mad.
The boyfriend makes only about $2000 per 6 months. He wants to become a baseball coach at school and helps coaching at school, but that's all he earns. His grandparents hand him $600 per months to spend. They pay for car insurance too. My daughter works every free minute as a server and goes to school full time. I am afraid that he doesn't see the need to work because he gets money from the grandparents. He asked my daughter already if she can do his laundry as he doesn't like to do it. I am afraid that she has to work, study, and take care of his stuff since he is so used to it. I talked to her about it, but you know how it is.......I told her if things don't work out, she can always come back home....no questions asked.
Also, I mentioned to his mother that my daughter might have to move to a different town or state since she wants to go to dental school to become a dentist. I will never forget the strange look she gave me!!!
Sorry for the long post. I am just really sad she is moving out and upset that his mom buys everything (like we don't exist...maybe some of the things we would like to buy.....) and a little afraid her education is going to suffer.
;
This is how it starts - K-I-A
[ In Reply To ..]Just wait 'til you have to be co-grandmas with this awful woman!
I wouldn't worry too much. After a while she'll - probably get tire of that arrangement.
[ In Reply To ..]If for no other reason than the boyfriend's meddling mom.
I wouldn't worry - sad mom
[ In Reply To ..]I hope so too.
How things have changed - MacroDiva
[ In Reply To ..]Not all that long ago, we mothers would be quite upset about our daughters moving in with guys who had not put a wedding band upon their fingers. Your daughter is worth more than this arrangement, I suppose you cannot do anything about it, but you don't have to condone it. You could just silently disapprove of the whole arrangement, let the BF know that as far as you are concerned, he is taking horrible advantage of your beautiful young daughter.
Our civilization is falling apart manifested in part by our sacrifice of our innocent daughters, who may become pregnant, face the tragedy of abortion or raising a child alone, by shacking up with a sperm donor who knows he doesn't have to buy the cow because the milk is free.
Flame way, our civilization is falling apart, and your acceptance and defense of this kind of arrangement is proof.
Macro Diva - sad mom
[ In Reply To ..]Hi Macro Diva, thank you for your reply. I don't feel like I am sacrificing my daughter; in fact, I think couples should live together before they get married. I believe many couples get divorces because they did not live together before they got married.
I am not worried that she is getting pregnant. She is on birth control, and she religiously takes it on time!!
The worry is that... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]The worry is that your daughter is now on a path leading away from dental school. Kids, especially girls, who do not fit the academic mold, do not do well enough to get into medical or dental school. She can think she is "pre-med" all she wants, but the reality is that she hasü two strikes against her now. One is that she started at a lesser college, but the really big one is dissociating herself from academics to play house with her boyfriend.
Her best option would have been living in an academically focused dorm. Now she is going to be trying to work, keep up a house, deal with an in-her-face relationship, and study. The education will suffer.
The boy sounds like a user-loser, too. He'll use her for sex and housekeeping while he does his thing, and then dump her. He will benefit from this arrangement, but she will not.
Upper income families do not allow their college daughters to do things like that, and that is why upper income kids get into medical and dental school when others do not.
Why even use the term pre-med? - It's meaningless
[ In Reply To ..]Or pre-dental for that matter? It's good that your daughter has her dream, but at this point she should have selected a major preferably in one of the sciences and be focusing everything she's got on school and also broadening her life experience by doing something that will make a professional school want her. If sounds like you are worried that the boyfriend's family is "buying" her away from her dream which they may well be. He certainly doesn't sound unusually ambitious.
Exactly - Agree
[ In Reply To ..]He sounds lazy, indecisive, uneducated, and likely to stay that way. He is not a good choice in a mate.
selected major - sad mom
[ In Reply To ..]She majors in biology, and she is also going to shadow at the dental office. You are right though.....her only focus should be school and nothing else!! You hit the nail on the head that this family is trying to buy her away from her dream.
reply to the worry is that - sad mom
[ In Reply To ..]The school my daughter is transferring to is not a lesser college. Her current school recommended to transfer there for her degree. Her major is biology, and she is doing really, really well in school. Her GPA is 4.16, and yes, that is possible :)))
We are an upper income family, but my daughter is an adult. I cannot make her live at home. I wish I could, at least until she is done with college and transfers to dental school.
Your other points are very valid! I appreciate your reply!!!
How judgmental and condescending. - Gollygee
[ In Reply To ..]
on the flip side of that - sm
[ In Reply To ..]why buy the pig for a few inches of sausage.
sacrificing our innocent daughters!? - oh for goodness sake!
[ In Reply To ..]While I agree that our society has problems, elevating this to our civilization falling apart is just a little over the top. This young woman is making a choice; no one is sacrificing her, for goodness sake. And you make a very big, judgmental leap in calling the man a sperm donor. I think you need to take your high horse for a drink at a fresh well.
Until daughter gets tired of him, nothing you say will matter. - Best keep your mouth shut and SM
[ In Reply To ..]wait. And I would be fine with his mom buying everything. Put any money you would like to spend on them in a "daughter" acct. Then if he grows up and they end up staying together, you will have a chunk to give them when they get married or whatever. And what do you think they will remember, a set of dishes or a gift of a couple of thousands of dollars?
And if daughter wises up, you can give all that money to just her and she wont have to share it with a boy-child.
reply to best keep your mouth... - sad mom
[ In Reply To ..]I love, love, love the idea of putting the money into a fund. What a great idea!!!!! :)))))
this could have been me! - pHD grad mom
[ In Reply To ..]This happened with my daughter also, in her last year of college for her masters. There was nothing I could do but sit back and watch it deteriorate, and since his family bought every little thing for him, at the end of it she had nothing but her cat and car. It made me furious that spoiled "men" have families that apparently see nothing wrong with raising a dependent sponge. Long story short, ride it out. If your lucky, she'll get through school. My daughter is a clinical psychologist now, married, one child and adopted a tween recently. They are doing very well! Good luck!
Parents need to remember they're raising - husbands and wives sm
[ In Reply To ..]I'm afraid the boyfriend is not aware of what a husband's role might be, whether to your daughter or someone else. You can't be self sufficient if things are handed to you. My guess, this has been all his life, which would be a red flag for me. I agree with the others, I think she'll get tired of it and move back.
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