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HELP!! daughter out of control

Posted: Jul 7, 2011

My oldest daughter, 19 years, is on my last nerve. She is totally out of control and I am about to throw her out. Her plans for college are out the window. She started working at a resturant, is making a little money and has decided that "college would be too expensive". She had a scholarship of $5000 per semester, but isn't going to use it! She actually called the college that accepted her and told them she wasn't coming!

She is staying out very late or not coming home, she is running around with a 26 year old MAN, going to nightclubs and the other night she and her girl friends thought that for kicks they'd go to an ALL NUDE CLUB!

She defies me, does not lift one finger to help around the house, does not contribute to the bills (I am a single mom ) and as far as I am concerned is setting a horrible, horrible example for her younger sister (17) and her younger brother (14)! She broke up with her "long-time boyfriend", and even though he has a new girlfriend, she continues to "hang out" with him (being used as far as I'm concerned).

She has that attitude of entitlement for no good reason, gives me the "let me live my life and make my mistakes" crud. I finally had it with her last night when she had a friend wandered home at 3:30 a.m. waking up the house giggling and carring on like I don't know what... I told her friend to get out at which point we got into a yelling match and I took her phone (I pay for it) and the car keys (I bought it for her for WORK AND SCHOOL).

This morning she is raggin on me about "how am gonna get to work, how are they gonna call me..." I told her I wanted her out. That is she wanted to "play grown up" she needed to do it out of my home. She is calling me names, demanding the car and phone, yelling, screaming, throwing things... ( I am NOT going to give in). This has been going on for months and I have missed work, have lost countless hours of sleep waiting up, worried myself sick and I am DONE.

I don't know what else to do. In the past when I have told her that we have "rules" she flat out says "I DON'T CARE AND I'M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT" and her actions represent that. She got a tattoo...

Has anyone ever had to toss their kid out and hope and pray that something changes? Short of smacking her around I don't know how to make her stop! I did slap the smirk off her her last night when she called me the ******* word. I feel like she's throwing her life away! Who turns down a scholarship!? What kind of woman goes to a NUDE CLUB and for WHAT??? I am ashamed, embarrased for her and at my wits end... My son told me to throw her out. My middle daughter said that her sister has been telling her that she shouldn't go to school either, that she should come and work where she does. I know there is a possibility of drugs too. I am so angry with her I can't even look at her. She has called me every name in the book, yet when she wants something I am "mommy"... Any words would be appreciated.

;

Mad Mom - Beentheredonethat

[ In Reply To ..]
Just kick her out. She is testing the limits and is betting that you won't. Where's the respect? Maybe she is uncertain of her ability to succeed and so is choosing not to even try, but that is HER choice. Make her live with her choices. She is an adult now, or likes to think that she is, so allow her to be responsible for her choices. And don't forget that your other children will be watching you closely to see how you handle this situation. Unless you want to live with ALL of them jerking your chain, you better show them who is in change at YOUR house.

My out of control girl is now 22 - and...

[ In Reply To ..]
in my eyes, is still out of control. Not just "1 tattoo," but 7. Not just "not going to school," but quit 13 jobs in the past 3 years. Also, I believe drugs are involved, most certainly disrespect is involved and the only reason I am telling you this, is it takes a LONG TIME for the kids these days to figure it out.

You need to take control RIGHT NOW... do not wait any longer! Stick to your guns. You cannot reward her with a car or phone for her behavior. She needs to know that there are consequences for her actions.

I understand that you are upset over her school, but let that one go. She may or may not go back, you cannot decide that. It is her life and if she decides to go, she will. If she does not, that is her regret to understand later. The only thing you can do is decide how you are going to be treated in your home and what she is doing is NOT acceptable behavior.

I am praying for you. It is a long hard road ahead of you. Be STRONG. Do not give in.

re; daughter - wow

[ In Reply To ..]
Could she be thinking about working in a place like a nude bar? OMG! If you throw her out that's what she might do. at least right now you know she's safe at home. Sometimes kids just need to go nuts before they realize they have it made at home. Sorry you're going through this, but maybe it will pass. I'd be afraid to throw my daughter out knowing she'd be running around going even more crazy without my supervision. Also, try to control your temper. That takes to to her level. Don't slap her anymore.

So are you telling the OP to allow her daughter to stay in the home - and just do whatever she wants?

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think this is very sound advise. I also had problems with my child, my son, and threw him out when he was 21. He was the same way, but also had the audacity to sneak women into my home and sleep with them knowing my other kids might see! I told him that since he obviously had sooooo many other places to go, he should go to one of them.

For the first few months I rarely heard from him, then I'd hear from him if he was hungry, needed money, needed to wash his laundry and I got tired of being used like that also and again cut him off.

He was 17 when he finished high school and I let him "go nuts", but after that he threw away the opportunity to go to school on a scholarship too, and he got all kinds of tattoos and piercings also, dabbled in drugs, got STDs, had a pregnancy scare (she miscarried) and got thrown in jail for DUI, totaled his car, worked in a stripper joint doing who knows what and on and on and on.

It is a horrible, horrible heartbreaking thing to go through as a parent. I know if he had it to do all over again he would do it differently, but it is what it is and I did what I had to do. Our relationship is scarred, but we're working on it. He asked several times to come home, but I can't do it.

He's 32, has a crappy job and looks like crap with tattoos and piercings everywhere, tooks like a used up skinny hoodlum. I know he still smokse pot. He hasn't a pot to piss in, but at least now he's got his own apartment and a steady job (this month anyway). He has no car. He wants to go to school, but knows he can't afford it and I don't think he's got what it takes. No woman will have him now. Tell your daughter my story. Maybe she'll get something out of it. My son was a good boy that made rotten choices and now is paying the price.

Daughter - mt1347

[ In Reply To ..]
She's 19 - legal age. Throw her out - now, today, throw her things out with her. She can't call or come back until she gets a civil tongue in her mouth. She turned down a 5k scholarship and then is ragging on you about how she's going to get to work? that's not your responsibility - it's hers. She didn't ask if she should not go to college. She will keep doing this if you allow it - it's not fair to the other people in the house to have to listen to her. I was the youngest in my family and I saw my parents go through this with 2 of my sisters - they don't stop until they get on their own and get a taste of the real world. If you ever let come back in the house to live, she has to sign a contract detailing what is expected of her regarding communication and interaction with everyone who lives there. Giving birth to her does not sentence you to endless persecution by her.

Disrespectful kids - Little sister

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a 21 y/o son who still lives at home. He pays his own cell phone and car payments, works full time, and has no interest in college. The only reason he still lives at home is because he can't afford rent in our area which has skyrocketed. We do have an agreement though - he must tell me if he is out overnight so I won't worry. I must quit prying into his private life. He also helps around the house with maintenance and pays rent. I think we have a good relationship, but there have been tense moments and I say to him, Look, there's the door, son. You know I love you, and will always love you, but this is my house, and you are free to move out when you want.

In your case, I would so tell your daughter to leave. She wants the fun of being an adult but none of the responsibilities. You did the right thing, cancel the cell phone, sell the car. Let her stay with friends or something. But DO NOT GIVE IN. Make this stick. If you give in, she will never, ever learn to grow up. She will always be manipulating you. The other poster who said about your daughter working in a nudie bar or something - this is so hard to say, but sometimes this happens, sometimes you have to push them out of the nest and let them fly and crashland. You have other children that are watching you and believe me they certainly will be like your older daughter if you back down a bit.

My husband tried this kind of thing back in 1976. He was in college and working but got all mad and rebellious. He quit college and work all in a day, in a snit about something. He came home and told his parents. His dad's response was, You have until Monday, and I want you out of my house. His mother backed her husband up. No work, no college, no free room and board. My in-laws grew up in the depression, so they had little sympathy with this not wanting to work business.

So, the next day, my husband joined the Air Force! Just went in, took the test, signed up, and away he went. We met a year later, married, and traveled all over the world. His father passed away in 1990, still hard and inflexible, but my husband totally adored his father. Now we have 3 sons, and we also are trying to remember the strength my FIL had - letting go and letting them grow.

God Bless, Mom. This is so, so hard and kids can just drive that dagger in your heart but be strong and let her go, let her grow up.

hey mom - hy

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you need to try to have a deep, deep conversation with her before you throw her out. Find out what's at the bottom of this behavior and see if she's willing to get help (I'd bet drugs are heavily involved). The reason I want to say this is because when my girl began to act like this and also began to hang out at strip clubs it was because her "friends" were working there and telling her she could make lots of money. She went down that road with me kicking and screaming trying to stop her. She was just 19, my baby.

I was tore up thinking about my girl at a sleasy strip club, but when a friend of my husband's saw her "working" it took everything to a whole other level. Her dad "disowned" her. friends talked about us like we "allowed it" rather than to see that she was out of control and beyond help at that point.

When she finally admitted that she had a drug problem (crack) we put her in rehab. She was in and out and in and out and always went back to stripping and I suspect hooking too, all for a fix. She got beat up pretty bad once, stabbed in the head, wound up in the hospital and none of her "friends" were there for her. No one came to visit. Police and the hospital staff treated her like trash, like a person who deserved it.

Back to rehab she went and she stuck it out. She's been sober 3-1/2 years now but looks battle scarred. I haven't let her live with us again although she did stay a week after she got out of the hospital. like someone already said, you get scarred. It changes the dynamics of the relationship forever.

Throw her out if you feel that's what its come to, but try try try to talk to her to see if she'll get help. I beg you, for her sake to try to talk to her.

to hey mom - mt1347

[ In Reply To ..]
The daughter is way beyond the talk stage. If she listens to any "talk" it will be what comes from her friends, not her mom. Mom's job is over at this point - kids have to make their own decisions at this age. And, as the youngest in my family, I have to speak for the other 2 kids in this house - the OP did the right thing by kicking the hateful daughter out. It's not fair to make everyone else's life hell because the daughter wants to act like a princess and selfish brat. She is old enough to move out and go her own way - the other 2 kids are not and it's their home, too. they deserve consideration and peace.

re: mt1347 - froggy

[ In Reply To ..]
At least if she talks to her before she tells her to leave she'll have a clear conscious, knowing that she has tried everything to help this kamakazi child before she ruins her life.

As a mom, our "job" is NEVER over. Sometimes our kids are beyond reach. That doesn't mean we ever stop loving them and trying. Just not at the expense of our home and peace of mind is all I'm saying.

I was fortunate enough that after I told my son to leave he turned his life around. He finished college and is working and married now. We look back on the "dark times" as a long, long time ago.

I believe that people generally flat out give up on themselves when everyone around them does. I would also try to talk to her, even if you have your mind set on throwing her out, which I think at this point is a good idea although I'm sure, heartbreaking.

There is probably more background - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
First, I don't think the previous poster meant that the parenting job per se was done at this point, but rather than the parents' influence on their child's behavior is out of their hands. I think it's somewhere around adolescence that a person's behavioral guidepost starts to come from friends rather than family.

We are not necessarily hearing the whole story. I doubt that the OP woke up today and suddenly the child was this train wreck. I suspect there have been a lot of discussions and a lot of tears and a lot of other stuff.

I have one of these problem children. I have been exactly where the OP is now. I ended up moving several states away; I gave her the option to come to this rural area but I pretty much knew that would be declined. Things were tense for a while, but have now settled into an at least amicable level, if I don't talk or dwell too much on what she's up to. Her Facebook pages can almost bring me to tears, and I have to work very hard to NOT have a personal conversation with her because it inevitably ends with her getting upset if I express any opinion that she does not agree with.

I realize there 'blood' makes a difference, but if the OP had a spouse who was treating her like this, there wouldn't be a moment's hesitation telling her to kick him to the curb. Why should she have to suffer the abuse just because it's coming from an ungrateful child?

Out of control - Beentheredonethat

[ In Reply To ..]
Please I understand the feeling of needing a "deep conversation" but this just gives the daughter another opportunity to lay on the guilt, and as mothers, don't we always have a ton of guilt, enough that it is easy for some kids to manipulate us for their own needs? Allowing a child to grow up and take responsibility for their choices is the biggest gift we can give our kids. Believe me I have walked this road, drugs, disrespect and all of the rest and all you can do is respect YOURSELF, if your kids won't, and take care of YOURSELF and the younger kids. Kids act up and act wild. Sometimes they change, sometimes they don't. I always said when you have a child you get handed an 8-pound bundle of joy and 2000 pounds of guilt. The child learns to walk but you get to carry the guilt forever. That doesn't mean you have to allow your child to use it against you. You've done your best to make her a responsible young lady. If she chooses to throw that all away, at her age, you can't force her to be different or talk her into anything else. I have a son whose home-away-from-home is prison. He gets out, he goes right back. We tried everything to help him have a life from the time he started getting out of control. Nothing worked and he is where he is. I know I did my best. He chose his life. Now he has to live it. I am sure this hurts but it will be hurting her, and you and your other children much more if you allow this out-of-control daughter to take over.

My heart goes out to you. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
but I say throw her out. Some of us have to learn everything the hard way. The only way I would let her come back, is if she either has a job or enrolls in school. Then she can contribute money and/or chores. But no more car, no more money, etc. If you do otherwise, you'll be an enabler and she'll have no incentive to straighten out. I hope it all works out soon for you both.

Bless your heart - scc

[ In Reply To ..]
Interestingly, this is my first time on this website. I came to ask some questions about MT. However, I came across your post and found myself reading all the replies.

I have recently been where you are now, with my 13-year-old son - defiant, refusing to follow any rules, anger outbursts, getting in my face, threatening gestures, etc, etc. I found myself getting very depressed and sought out help. All three mental health professionals I have talked to are saying the exact same thing - You have lost control of your own home and must reassert your authority. So, blindly trusting that they must know what they are talking about, I told my son that if he broke anything in the house, if he hurt his sister, or if I felt physically unsafe, that I would call the police. It has taken everything I have to hold my ground and stay committed to following through.

Guess what? He has backed down and has become compliant with my rules. My depression has lifted, and I rule!

Psyched out by my mom - And she still can psych me out all these years lat

[ In Reply To ..]
I never called my parents names, but I turned from normal to an irresponsible, self-centered person right around age 19, also. One day my mom sat down, perfectly calm (I should have known something was up), and said something to the effect that she knew I didn't want to hurt their feelings by moving out, but that she understood. I was totally confused and asked her what she was talking about. She said that with the way I had been acting I couldn't possibly want to live at home, but didn't know how to tell them, and that they understood and to let them know when I planned to leave. Of course I said I had no plans to leave, and she said yeah, you are leaving if you continue to act this way. So, I got it. Maybe you could say, "I'm sure you feel humiliated to be 19 and living at home, driving a car I purchased, and using a cell phone I'm paying for and that you want to be independent, so I'll just take the car keys and phone and you can move out have some self respect. I know you're a competent person who can make her own way in the world." She may back down, or she won't, but at least you will have taken a stand. There are vicarious learners and then there are those who have to touch the hot stove and get burned.

Wow...did this bring back memories of me and my mom - I'll tell you what happened.

[ In Reply To ..]
Everything so much sounded like my mom and me (except the tattoo and nude club). But at 19 I started going to clubs with friends, coming home at 2 am, drinking and treating my mom horrible. However, I didn't have a car or phone, but I would just jump in her car and take off (horrible horrible horrible kid I was and feel bad for the things I did). Oh yeah, the face slap brought back so many memories. I remember my mom said to me "I can't keep washing your f'n clothes that you just wore once cos it costs too much money to run the dryer every day". To which my smartass reply was "well they are your f'n clothes too". Oh geez man did that do it. She flew across the room and slapped my face so hard I fell one way and my glasses went the other. I had a hand print on my face for a day and rightly so. My sister (2 years older than me) stood in disbelief that I had the nerve to say that to her.

Anyway...here's what happened. My mom said to me...you want to stay out with your friends all hours of the night, you want to live with them go and do it then walked into my room and started packing my clothes up in a garbage bag. She told me she's had it and as she put the bag of clothes by the front door she said "get out. go ahead". I broke down. I'm sorry, I don't want to leave, I'll be good, etc, etc. I was then grounded for 2 weeks and after that I treated my mom better.

I'd kick her out. It's your house, your rules, your phone, your car.

re: mad mom - what I did

[ In Reply To ..]
I did about the same as someone above did, calmly and without flinching, told my son that since he was ready to live on his own without rules and consequences that I was ready to let him go. I confiscated the car, the phone, told him he could take his clothes and his bed, but things like the computer in his room, the game station and DVD player were staying for the family, since they are technically "mine".

at first he challenged me, said he would, but over the course of the next 3 to 4 days, kept coming home on time, cleaning up, watching his mouth, keeping his behavior in check and he stopped bringing his loser friends around. I even challenged back, told him not to worry about us, that we can "handle it without him". THEN, he got a JOB. He straightened up and went to school too.

He's also grown up now and he is super strict with his kids.

For the couple of years that he went wild I seriously thought he'd kill himself doing something stupid or run away or who knows what. I lived in fear of his choices back then and like people said above, it changes the dynamics of the child/parent relationship forever.

I am glad he changed, but he was horrible and ugly and i have vivid memories of the bad times. Like post traumatic stress I guess. I hope you don't back down. Tough love and not giving in and waiting for her to change without consequence will NOT do anyone any good.

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PEORIA, Ariz. — Police in a Phoenix suburb are looking for a father suspected of running down his daughter because she was becoming too "Westernized" and was not living according to their traditional Iraqi values.Police say 48-year-old Faleh Hassan Almaleki of Glendale allegedly ran his daughter down Tuesday at an Arizona Department of Economic Security parking lot in Peoria.The victim, 20-year-old Noor Faleh Almaleki of Surprise, remains hospitalized with life-threatening injuries.A secon ...

Nov 27, 2009
I really am looking for some advice and support. I have a beautiful, talented, intelligent, kind, and very beloved daughter who is very, very willful, always has been, but always has been a "good girl," in second year of college to be an elementary school teacher, and I adore her, she is my oldest of three children, and my only girl. Anyway, she has been steadily seeing a very nice young man since early last Spring, and she has been very happy. We all like him so much. But they just decided ...

Feb 02, 2011
Take this Tony Perkins and chew on it for a while! Our younger generation does not believe the way your old generation believes and there is nothing you can do to stop it! Barbara Bush is coming out in support of gay marriage. The 29-year-old daughter of President George W. Bush announces in a web video posted late Monday that she supports same-sex marriage. “I’m Barbara Bush and I’m a New Yorker for marriage equality,” she says. “New York is about fairne ...