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Sponging family members!

Posted: Nov 3, 2013

I have a cousin and her family is so irritating and they seem to sponge off of everyone. They work and make decent money, but live as if they have no money whatsoever. They never buy things unless it comes from a thrift store and such and even when my cousin visits me, she almost begs me for my clothes, shoes or whatever. My cousin, her husband and daughter will just show up at random family members houses, me included, and hang around and when it's dinnertime, she will ASK if they can join, which we say yes, but the kicker is this. Once dinner is over, she will basically just pack up the leftovers and take them home, even though this is MY food I cooked and I bought, she contributed none whatsoever. I have told her I want to keep my leftovers and she acts offended and will say "Well, can I at least take a plate?" I mean, how to do you deal with a person like that? Who does that, eats at someone's house and wants their leftover food?

This is the irritation point for me right now. I always give my kids a birthday party with food included and each time it is around $100 bucks for me to pay just for the party. Well, I invited her and her family to my daughter's party and her daughter's birthday was 2 weeks before mine and she didn't have a party for her. Well, she calls up all of our family members and tells them that she is going to go ahead and have her daughter's party at the same time as mine, a joint party, since she didn't give her daughter a party. I didn't even know anything about it until she comes to the party and I hear her saying "Casey is the birthday girl" and such and that is her daughter, not mine, the one I paid for the party for!!! She made my child's party all about HER child and it has me so frustrated I don't even know what to do! I didn't say anything at the party, just because I feel bad for her kid and I didn't want to take the day from her, but I really am frustrated that I spent money on a party and she basically got one for free. I really feel like just printing out a bill for half of the price of the party and giving it to her, telling her that since it was her kid's party too, it's only fair that we split the cost, but I know how she is and she would probably just laugh it off.

Anybody else have family like that and any points on dealing with a person like that?

;

next time tell her no she cannot stay for dinner - Flat out tell her no

[ In Reply To ..]
As for the birthday party, you bet you should tell her she owes half. You know you'll never get half, but tell her so and quite frankly, she never gets invited to anything ever again. If anyone questions you about it, because you know she'll complain to other family members, you explain what happened. Don't hide anything and don't embellish, but be frank about it. That kind of behavior is unacceptable and they are teaching their kids horrible, horrible lessons.

When she just shows up at your house, give her 15 minutes, an hour, what have you, and then just politely say "I'm sorry Maribelle, we have plans. It's been nice to see you. Drive safe on your way home." And then open the front door and usher them out. Save any dinner preparations until after they leave, even if it means your family is eating late. Once or twice of this will teach her that the food bank is closed at your house. If she asks for anything, clothing, etc., simply say no or tell her someone else has dibs on it.

The big thing is you will only be taken advantage of if you let yourself. So if you know the cousin is a mooch, and you do, then you make sure that you are not the one taken advantage of, even if it makes you look like the bad guy.

Even if it caused a family rift, this person would never, EVER be invited to anything of mine again. That kind of behavior is just rude and family or not, I would not stand for it.

holy cow. Yeah she would never, ever be invited back to - my house or my childs party

[ In Reply To ..]
ever. that's not family. that's a leech.

"NO" is a complete sentence - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
People can only take advantage of you if you let them.

Stop inviting her. If she and her sponging family show up uninvited, don't let them in. Tell them "This is not a good time, sorry" and close the door. And leave it closed. Do not engage her in a debate. The answer is "no". Period.

She will be upset and angry, but you will have to ignore that. If you cannot bring yourself to say "no" and make it stick, then you must resign yourself to a lifetime of being a doormat for your parasite cousin.

I'll bet that if you stand up to her, it will encourage other family members to do the same. You could be doing a good thing for the rest of her victims if you just take the first step.

Family is overrated. - GoSolo

[ In Reply To ..]
This may sound harsh but that one is trouble with a "T." You would not wish her on your worst enemy. Do you think she would be there for you in time of need? No! She not only wants to use you up but she wants to banish you from your own family. Don't want to tell you how to deal with it but protect your family from her. Wow!

Exactly. No. - Not no, because

[ In Reply To ..]
I always tell friends who are having issues to say no and then stop there. If you say "no, because ...." then you are giving the other person an opening to come back and and counter with "but." If you say no and stop there, they have nothing to counter with.

Had to close the bank on my family - My DIL especially always

[ In Reply To ..]
trying to hit me up for money and I would bet anything behind my son's back. The last time I gave her money I told her this time not a give away, I want the money back. That was way over 10 years ago, no pay back, bank officially closed thereafter. My DIL and son never have seemed to care about being financially responsible. My daughter even made a loan and loaned her SIL (same one) $1,000 here about a month ago. My daughter told me she does not expect to get that money back; she felt sorry that the couple seemed to be in such bad shape. I have seen it for years, just need to get up and get out and make a living. MIL will not be around forever and youngers need to be able to stand on their own. I learned to say no, only way to achieve this battle.

Outrageous! - shipwrecked

[ In Reply To ..]
If she does the same thing to other family members, what do they think? That's absolutely outrageous - all of it! Besides the leech and her family, who would be upset if you just stopped answering the door? With the $$ you save by not feeding her and her family, not giving them clothes, and not providing birthday parties for her kid, buy something nice for your daughter!

The other family members complain - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
But, they all excuse it, kind of, as that is how she is. Last Christmas though, there was a dispute because my mom spends hundreds of dollars each Christmas making homemade candy for everyone and she buys these cute little tins and distributes it out. Well, the cousin and her family basically just packed up their own HUGE box of candy, taking everything that was left and my mom had meant to give that to other family members who weren't present at Christmas. My step-dad saw this and started fussing at her and telling her he was sick of her taking from everyone. He told her that they spend hundreds to make those candies and if she expected to take that much then she needed to offer to pay for some of it. She actually started crying and said he hurt her feelings and the moral of the story for her was that she would never take candy from my parents even if offered. She didn't use that as a life lesson to think maybe stop trying to take so much in general, she just focused it directly to that candy. She even made the comment that if they didn't want her to take it they should have said so, like she lacks common sense to know what anyone else would already know.

Your stepdad is awesome! - shipwrecked

[ In Reply To ..]
He's the only one in the family with any guts. Good for him! And, of course, the spoiled, greedy cousin cries. What a major manipulator. Where are her own parents in all this?

This one is easy - Clearly you are kind

[ In Reply To ..]
She is taking advantage not only of material things, but of your kindness and unwillingness to confront.

I would start with a personal one on one chat that is not confrontational, just honest. Let her know how you feel and give her a chance to acknowledge her (bad) behavior. But if she does not, simply choose to stop ALLOWING her to run you over. Tell her succinctly what you expect, and then change YOUR behavior. Tell her nothing she does not HAVE to know, and don't feel guilty about excluding her from parties, etc. If she shows up for dinner, you are sorry but someone in the family is not feeling well and could she call you the next time before she just comes over.

IF she complains to other family members, you simply explain she knows your standards/rules, etc., so she is responsible for any hurt feelings. Not you.

Choose to care more about what you think than what she or others think. :)

I agree... Just say - NO

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a brother and SIL who prey on my mother. They were always "borrowing" money from her for some emergency and then we'd find out they went on vacation or bought new furniture or something like that. Our mother is 75 years old and still working full time. She said she is afraid to retire because she's afraid my brother will really need help with something and she won't be able to help. My other brothers and I finally confronted them and told them we weren't going to allow it anymore. He tried one last time a few months ago. Said his electricity was turned off and they were all sitting in the dark. One of my other brothers happened to be at my mothers and said he would bring them a generator, to which the leach brother immediately said "No! No!. We'll be fine." Come to find out they were all at Disney World at the time. He just wanted extra spending money. F-ing louse!
You have to nip it in the bud now. Do not make excuses either. Just tell her she has used you for the last time. I absolutely agree with the suggestion to just tell her no and shut the door in her face. If you don't stop it and tell her exactly why, she will never stop.
Just my opinion. Good luck.

On second thought - shipwrecked

[ In Reply To ..]
This is still bugging me. What would happen if you and your husband and daughter showed up on their doorstep at dinner time, smile sweetly, and say, "What's for dinner, we're starved."

What's wrong with a little well-placed passive aggression?

I would not waste the time and effort for a - one on one chat. SM

[ In Reply To ..]
She's had way enough time to realize her bad behavior. She already barges in and takes over, so she knows she's doing wrong. She won't acknowledge her behavior, let along admit it's wrong.

Personal chat is a waste of time. Shut her down and do it abruptly. Otherwise, she'll come up with the tears and excuses as OP described in the post where stepfather confronted her about the holiday candy issue.

She knows well what she's doing (walking all over you) and chooses to do so (because it's convenient for her).

family dinner - Canwestay

[ In Reply To ..]
Wouldn't it be tempting to pack up your family and show up on their doorstep and ask to stay for supper and bring your own containers for the leftovers? I'd have so much fun with that, but then, they'd never speak to me again (and would that be such a bad thing??) It'd be more fun if a couple of famlies went in on it, either all at the same time or a couple of nights in a row...

how did you find out she called family members? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
maybe someone could have given you a heads up. Otherwise, I don't think it would have been wrong to say "oh no, dear, MY DD is the birthday girl; thanks for coming."

Cut her off. Plain and simple. sm - clb

[ In Reply To ..]
I had a similar situation with my friend whom I've known for 20 years, so like a sister from another mister type of thing :-)

When she lived in the same town as me, it was a text or call every other day about borrowing money, buying her groceries, can the kids sleep at my house b/c her heat got turned off, can I run her to work, etc. She always hinted about using my car to go to work/school b/c I was at home all day and didn't need my car anyway LOL (not funny). Fast forward a few years and she, hubby, and 2 kids came unannounced to my house one evening, while I was still working, all in tears about how they got kicked out, nowhere to go, the whole bit. Well I nicely let them stay one night, fed them, washed their clothes, and gave them $20 for gas (after they went to the store and bought cigarettes and soda) just so they could get to a friend's house an hour away. Gave her a sweatshirt b/c she was cold. They only reason I did it was b/c of her kids, she knows I would do anything for them and always played that card. Well it's my hubby in my house also, not just me, so I told her after that via text and phone call and in person after she moved an hour away that that was the last time she would ever get "help" from me without notice. I paid her bills for her, bought her groceries, drove her around, babysat (for free), and even hubby and I sat down with them to write out a budget and grocery plan and paying bills on time. I gave her cookbooks and recipes and tons of free ideas to do with the kids and it all fell on deaf ears. Either she really didn't get it or was used to being taken care of and felt she didn't have to work at it. Everyone, family, friends, coworkers, all stopped talking to them, and when I was the last one to stop answering her texts, she finally got it. Now I get the occasional text/call just to chat or invite to the kids' birthdays. I just told her I have to take care of me and my house first. Just b/c I don't have any kids doesn't mean I have extra time, money, etc for you!

Just tell cousin no more. She will eventually stop texting, calling, dropping by when you don't give her what she wants. They get the hint after awhile. Ignoring is what finally worked for me. No excuses, just ignore!

Tough love hurts but it works.

I think you should INSIST she pay for half - big sister

[ In Reply To ..]
If you're lucky, you will have a big fight and she will never speak to you again. And don't invite her to your daughter's birthday next year, don't tell her when or where it is. And if she gets angry when she finds out after the fact, tell her why, and make sure she understands. Your daughter's birthday is her special day and no one should be stealing it from her.

I grew up in a large family and through years each child got one lavish birthday party. My parents didn't really intend it that way, it just happened that way. I never felt deprived, after all even with just family and best friend only, birthdays were fun. But even now, 50 years later, I cherish the memory of that one birthday when all my friends from school were invited, it was so exciting, and of course I realize now that it cost quite a bit. How afwul it would have been if someone had showed up at the last minute to take my place as the birthday princess, and make me the second banana. And it would have hurt my parents just as much as it would have hurt me. This was their memory too. Don't let any more of your daughter's, and your own precious memories be stolen. What should have been a lovely day and a lovely memory for both of you has an edge of justified anger and bitterness. Childhood is fleeting enough, they grow up so fast.

PS: If you really want to get your point across, take her to small claims court for half of the birthday expenses, and court costs, ask for some damages while you are at for ruining your daughter's special day.

Do you have a dog... try this - MTMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I saw this story in Dear Abby many years ago. A family had the same problem as you, people showing up at dinner time, then when it's time to clean up after dinner, they'd be out the door. So one time as everyone was finishing dinner, she started putting their plates on the floor to let the dogs lick them clean. Then she picked them up and put them in the cupboard! Of course, after the people left in disgust, she took all the dishes back out and washed them. But it solved the problem. Those people never showed up for dinner again!

But if you don't have a dog, you could just say, "Sorry, I only have enough for my family. See you later." Or you can tell them you are going out for dinner... to a place you know they don't like.

Are we related? - LOL

[ In Reply To ..]
Oh, hun, I had a cousin who fits your description to a "T."

She and her 3 kids inevitably showed up about an hour before any meal to my parents' home. My parents were pretty set in their mealtime schedule, of which my cousin was well aware. Because my parents were afraid her kids were hungry, they'd always oblige her and let them all stay for dinner. And let me tell you...her 3 kids were all teenage boys, who could eat their body weight in food, so it was becoming a financial hardship on my parents to feed all of them.

My dad broke his arm at work one day and was sent to the ER, then over to an orthopedic specialist. My cousin showed up at her usual pre-meal time, and my brother and I were at my parents' house waiting for my dad to get home. When my brother saw her car pulling in the driveway loaded up with all 3 kids, he told me, "Whatever you do, do NOT start dinner. We're going to outwait her and beat her at her own game." Between worrying about my dad and not wanting her and her kids there when he got home from a very traumatic ordeal, I wasn't in the mood to be nice.

Well, she came in and sat...and sat...and sat. Finally around 9 pm (yikes!), she decided to take her kids and leave. My brother and I were starving, my dad was due home any time, so we started dinner as soon as we shut the door behind her.

This cousin then had the habit of driving her youngest kid (13) to my sister's house in the morning to catch the school bus. She lived about 2 miles from my sister's house but made that drive every morning under the guise that it was "easier" for her (yeah, um, what???). Well, at first her kid was eating the breakfast stuff my sister had gotten for her own daughter, and finally my sister told her she couldn't afford to buy stuff to make breakfast for both of the kids.

The next day, she and her kid show up, and he's clutching 2 pieces of mangled white bread in his hand. "Auntie, can I use your toaster?" Well, yeah, using the toaster was not problem. Until the toast popped up. Then it was, "Auntie, where's your butter? Where's your peanut butter? Where's the jelly?"

I've never seen someone go through so much effort to avoid feeding herself and her kids. And, as you said about your cousin, my cousin worked full-time. She had a freezer full of food but didn't want to "waste" her propane cooking it. Easier to waste everyone else's, apparently.

Anyway, sorry this was so long, but I just wanted to check and see if we're related somehow, LOL! I thought my cousin was a very unique situation, but, reading your post, I see there's more than one of her type out there!

BTW, our solution was solved when our cousin moved out of the area. Before she left, though, we had all become accustomed to playing the "waiting game" when it came to meals.

You have my sympathies, OP!

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