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Seeking advice..


Posted: Nov 9, 2010

My normally well-behaved 4-year-old takes a martial arts class.  For months, the instructors have been allowing him to act like a monster. I have asked them time and time again to please not allow him to act up, only to be met with, "He's only 4.  You expect too much.  He is just being a little kid." I usually sit and watch to keep him manageable, at least.  The instructor's 15-year-old son also helps teach the class and he play fights with my son, allowing my son to hit him.  I have intervened and told Clayton to not hit or kick him (it is a Jiu-Jitsu class, so it is a lot of grappling, no hitting) and the 15-uear-old tells me and my son that it is okay.  I told him that it is not okay.  I am the mother and I don't want him hitting people.  While my 4-year-old's hard as he can hit punch might not hurt someone who is 6' tall and 249 pounds, it may hurt other people and will cause problems in school.  The 150year-old has also told to do things that will get him in trouble in the past because it is funny. 

Now, the instructor has combined the classes for the smaller kids and all of the sudden, they want my son to behave after months of allowing him to basically do whatever he wants until I intervene and make him behave.  The 15-year-old has also decided that he wants to be an adult to my son, instead of the playmate that he has been for several months.  Tuesday, the instructor asked me not to watch the class because my son is paying too much attention to what I allow him to do and not paying attention to them, now that they want to be discipinarians.  I understand the concept, but when I leave, he is really really bad and the instructor seems irritated.  I understand that they need to assert some dominance and gain his respect, but now they are comaplaining because he is not behaving and actually sent him out to find me, so that I could discipline him for whatever he had done, which I really don't know because I was not there. I explained to him that this lack of respect has been going on for several months now and that they can't all of the sudden expect him to do a complete turn around in regards to behaving for them. 

So, after that super long and rambling back story, I am asking for advice about how to make my son behave for someone else, even if I am not there and the person whom he needs to obey is inconsistent about what is allowed and what is not, as well as already having completely lost the respect from my son as a disciplinarian.  I am really at a loss as to how to proceed.  Any suggestions are greatly appreciated, but please do not answer if you are only planning to call me a bad parent or stupid or any other nastiness, or imply any of those things.  :)  TIA

;

Advice - Tara

[ In Reply To ..]
First things first, I'd find him another class. If that is not possible, you will need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your son in a language he can understand and let him know that the rules have now changed. Tell him that the 15-year-old cannot be his friend, but is the instructor's helper, etc. and that he is not allowed to play around anymore. Being I am a parent of 5 kids, I would never allow any instructor or coach to tell me that I could not be there to watch my children. Your son is only 4 and you need to be there. It sounds to me like something weird is going on there where they are all of a sudden changing things and now don't want you there. Is it different management that they are trying to impress or something? Whatever the reason may be, I'd insist on staying somewhere I could see my son, but maybe not necessarily where he can see you. Just a thought...

I think you have answered your own question. sm - ndmt

[ In Reply To ..]
If these martial arts instructors (questionable to the 15-year-old) are going to teach martial arts (which is defined by using terms such as harmony, discipline, routines) they need to know how to manage a 4-year-old. You can't make him behave for them and you already know he doesn't have an understanding of their expectations because they have changed. The fact that they have to send him to find his mommy for discipline tells me I would want better instructors.

I don't know if there is an option for another class, but I would look around for something else. If there isn't anything and you really want your son in this class, I would ask them what their specific plan is for re-orienting your son. Perhaps the 15-year-old buddy has to step out for a few weeks, work with a different group of kids, etc., in order for your son to break his old associations. I wouldn't remind them of the obvious - that they are the ones that let him run amok - but focus on what your son should be gaining from the class.

The other thing is, if your son is really bad when you leave so therefore you hang around, he probably will continue to be very bad. My daughter had a problem adjusting to Kindergarten and wouldn't do anything for the teacher. Once she realized Kindergarten wasn't going anywhere, she started interacting appropriately with the teacher and everyone else. Of course your instinct is to be there and make sure your son is okay, but there will come a time (lots of them actually) where he will have to do stuff he doesn't want to or do stuff without you. You have to trust that he will be able to handle it.




My kids are older but both training in martial arts - MA mom

[ In Reply To ..]
At most MA schools I know of discipline and behavior are stressed. You don't earn belt ranks and your belt will be yanked right off for any disrespect, inappropriate behavior and you will have to earn it back. This is also done in the younger Jr. classes. Believe me, that belt being taken away is major to these kids and lets them know more than physical conditioning punishment that behavior has to change.

If you don't have options for other classes, which is what I would suggest, I would have a conference with the instructors on what you expect out of the classes. Sit down with the main instructor and the assistant first without your son and tell them your expectations. Let them know that you excpect more than your son learning mounts, guards, standing at base, takedowns, chokes, locks and escapes. You want him to learn respect, discipline, trust, honesty, integrity, team work (he will work in teams if he goes into tournys). Then, meat with your son so those expectations are clearly defined for him. Let your son know that all of you know what to expect from him and will work with each other. Four is an age that they will push buttons and are really learning how far they can push. He will know when he can act one way with one person and another with somebody else.

Our school has open classes that parents can look in on (and sometimes participate in) and closed classes that we cannot. Belt testing is especially closed off to parents. It is important to trust your instructors because they will have close contact with your kids. Mine go 3 days a week and then weekend tournaments during the season, which is 9 months out of the year. We have to be very close and have respect and trust in each other. If you don't have that you are in the wrong place and the relationship will be detrimental to your son rather than beneficial.

woops, meet not meat. LOL. 2 hrs to end of shift. - MA mom

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Pull him out and re-enroll in a few years w/another school - 4 is too young - IMHO - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Thanks for the advice... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
Unfortunately, pulling him out of this particular class is not an option because we have a contract, so we have to make this work. I think that they combined the older and younger kids' classes so that they would have more people to spar with and I also think that they were hoping that the younger children would actually learn from the older kids. Part of the problem, also, is that the time of class changed from 5-6 to 5:30-7, which is an awfully long time to expect a 4-year-old to pay attention, as well as the fact that my son's bed time is normally 7. Add that to the fact that the time just changed and his normal bed time now falls smack in the middle of this class. I am going to change bed time to 8 p.m. and hope that this at least helps some. Again, thanks for the advice.

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