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Married and lonely... thinking of doing the unthinkable

Posted: May 6, 2011

Oh, I so know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I need to say it anyway. I've been married over 25 years. Husband and I get along okay most of the time, but sex life has never ever been of the very frequent type. I'm sure he thinks it's all me, and maybe it is much of the time. I think part of that is because, you know, if you don't have time for me all day and all evening or any other time, I don't feel all that warmed up to you just because you're in the mood, you know. He's gone so much with his hobbies and things he does, and even if he's here he's in a different part of the house doing his own thing, watching his own shows. We don't go out together, but he gets together with his guy friends for dinners out. At home, I make dinner, he takes his plate and goes downstairs to eat. I sit up here and eat and then clean it all up. He's said he's not happy before, that he feels like we need to have more going on in the bedroom, and I've told him I need to spend some time with him and for us to do things together, because I just get so resentful that it takes away all libido, I swear. Anyway, I went and signed up one of those "have an affair" websites, because I just so crave that feelings of having someone want me, if it's just a one time thing. Am I going through my own midlife crisis or what? I've already had several people contact me, and I have contacted one person back who seems to be in the same boat I am. That's as far as it's gone though.

;

i understand - metoo

[ In Reply To ..]
I have only been married for 10, but I totally get what you are saying. I have completely lost interest in my husband, even though he seems very interested in me..that is, whenever he fits me into his schedule. And then, it feels like he's being selfish and if I give in, then I am telling him the behavior (that is driving me away)is okay.

Having an affair is not going to make it better. And you will feel worse for having "sold your morals to the sweetest talker." I do not speak from experience, but my sister did, felt overwhelming guilt, confessed, and the only way they are still together today is because he was doing it too.

You can't take it back. You can't erase memories. And one romp in the sack is NOT worth the lifetime of guilt and disappointment in yourself.

I suggest marriage counselling, finding your own hobby, or do the 7-day challenge. Maybe it will renew something.

For me, hubby refuses counselling, I have plenty of hobbies he abhors, and I can't do the 7-day challenge because I spent the half-hour getting ready for bed thinking of a really good excuse not to be with him... I guess I am not the best one to be giving advice. All I know, you have to protect yourself and having an affair, is the quickest way to a world of hurt.

married and lonely - cindyathome

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with 'metoo" regarding the affair, etc. I have been married more than 30 years. Although our marriage is solid and we are more in love than ever, there have been times when I have felt as you describe. Sometimes you have to "fake it till you make it." Meaning if you provide the physical intimacy he craves this may cause him to be more emotionally intimate with you. An exception is if one of you is clinically depressed or sexually abusive. I am very sorry you feel the way you do and hope this helps.

Please don't do this...this is a false way to have any - concernedmt

[ In Reply To ..]
for your situation. Granted you are in a terrible situation and sad to say the least, but trying to fix it with an equally bad choice is a disaster waiting to happen. You are spiraling downward and there are better choices to improve your situation. Counseling, if you go to church, seek help there, anything to build you up that way, not through a person. Anyone you "meet" through these services are not your answer or your cure to your problem. It's not too far in that you just can't back out now. There are better solutions for you. Pray about your life and search your heart to do the right thing, not complicate your life with the wrong thing. Been there done that and it is not worth it...it never is. Please do the right thing and one that you will have no regrets about later.

Especially if you have children--big or small. You would devastate your family. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
Just not worth it.

Don't do it - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
What I don't understand is that you don't want to give it up to someone you've been married with for 25 years because he doesn't do things with you on a regular basis, but you are willing to give it up to some sleaze ball who signed up to cheat on his wife and definitely hasn't taken you out, ever? To top it off, your reasoning is because you want to feel wanted. Your husband wants you, tells you over and over he wants to spice it up in the bedroom, but you make excuses for reasons not to. Am I the only one who thinks this logic and reasoning is messed up?

You will regret it - sooner or later

[ In Reply To ..]
Dr. Phi just did a 2 day show this week, "Inside the mind of a mistress". One woman ended up divorced, one ended up having her husband find out and he read all the emails to their son and now her son hates her, one was very young and just looking for a sugar daddy, one saw nothing wrong with it. All three of them said they regreted it and wished they had never done it. Think about it from this viewpoint. Some guy who is married and wants to mess around on his wife is the guy you are going to end up with? He can't be trusted, he will never leave her and if you should happen to fall for him, you will be the one that is hurt. Remember a married man will never give you his phone #, never take you out in public, never be there if you need him in a hurry. You will feelworse about yourself than you do now, he will be doing to you exactly what you complain your husband is doing.

Married and Lonely - Grandma's Hands

[ In Reply To ..]
The only thing you are going to get out of cheating on your husband is a lot of pain, guilt and the delayed realization of how much you actually love your husband. If you follow through with an 'affair' you are going to add feelings of low-to-no self esteem and self loathing to your current need for an ego boost. You did not say anything bad about your husband, because you apparently have nothing bad to say. He was apparently with you through children, sickness, lean times, bad times, sad times or whatever was the particular case in your marrage. You do not want to trivialize 25 years (also known as a lifetime for many, many people) for the empty "Hey, baby, I want you so bad!!!" and all the counterfiet emotions that go with it. Remember, you can lie to yourself you don't need some old predatory pervert who's prowling about the Internet looking for bored, gullible, silly, stupid women to dump his depraved fantasies on. Remember, that's what prostitutes are for. Don't let anyone use your body as a toilet.

Agree with Cindyathome - Old Married Lady

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with Cindyathome. I shower my husband with affection, even when I'm feeling cranky, moody, not "in the mood." And guess what? He doesn't leave the room at dinnertime, why should he?

Why don't you have an affair with your husband? He's obviously interested, but you keep shutting him out. What makes you so sure he's not going to cheat on you now, hm?

Whatever energy you were going to put in something online or wherever else, do it at home.

You need to perform your wifely duties - whether you "feel like it" or not

[ In Reply To ..]
Or he will go out and find someone else to do them - or take your wifely place altogether.

Yeah, it's sexist. It is also reality. Wake up and quit whining that you don't have the hearts and flowers and coo coo hand holding.

Or.... put out to some stranger from the Internet and bring a whole bedload of new and far worse trouble into your life.

Wifely Duties???? Quick, get me a spoon so I can GAG myself!!!! - You have GOT to be kidding me

[ In Reply To ..]
BARF!!!! Tell HIM if he would spend more time with YOU instead of hanging out with his friends all the time maybe you might feel like getting in the mood more often.

I do agree with the other posters though; an affair is not the answer. If you have a talk with him and then you know YOU tried THEN consider divorce and THEN see other people. Not before you separate from him though.....opening a terrible bag of worms that way.

Maybe.. - JC

[ In Reply To ..]
Perhaps he's not spending time with her, because she's no fun to be around? Men are simple. If you "give them that" nicely and don't bitch all the time, they're eating out of your hand. Otherwise, just leave and let him find someone who will. It's not complicated.

I appreciate the input - lonelymt

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all, while it's something I've thought about, I think maybe I just needed to hear what a bad idea it is. I've been faithful to my husband since we were dating before we were married, which is now about 29 years in total. I can't say the same for him, between a full fledged affair many years ago, finding out that they've stayed in contact all these years (found pictures she sent to him a few years ago, just benign pics though), e-mails between him and a stripper a couple of years ago, etc. Believe me, I don't need flowers or to to be bought with a night out to dinner and I'm not asking for jewelry or presents. I just want time, some inkling of interest besides waking me up in the middle of the night when he's in the mood. And let me also mention, there is one specific activity that he enjoys the most and seems to want/need almost every time, and I just get tired of it. Sorry if that's TMI. It's true that maybe we shouldn't have ever been married in the first place, and we had our daughter 6 months before we did get married, but we've made it this long and he says he loves me, and I guess I love him because I do feel bad and disgusted in myself when I've e-mailed this other person. I'd rather have the relationship with my husband. Sometimes I just wonder if too much damage has been done. Thanks for all the comments though. In the end, I'm sure I'll remain the faithful wife and we'll get over this rough patch.

You are precious! - Metoo

[ In Reply To ..]
Hang in there girly!

Happy Mother's Day. With all you have been through...you deserve all of the appreciation for holding it together.

I am praying for you and sweet family.

Once a cheater..... - you know the rest

[ In Reply To ..]
You are giving him reason to cheat again. That's the way he's going to see it.

I guarantee you keep up this pity party and hold sex for ransom, he is going to wander off again... if he hasn't already.

re: lonelyMT - IMO

[ In Reply To ..]
After 15 years of marriage, the same thing happened to us. We were essentially roommates, living different lives and doing our own thing and it was horrible, uncomfortable and LONELY. I had tried counseling, medications, surprise sexy dinners in sexy outfits, planned trips (which he always got out of), tried couples massages, tried to get involved in his hobbies, but giving 100% to a person who only wants to take 100% and not contribute is a lose-lose situation.

The economy makes divorce out of the question at this point in time, but I am planning this and he is well aware. I moved out, with my sister and BIL. I live in their cabana, which is essentially a small pool house and I am HAPPY now. I have conversations and interaction everyday! We laugh, we talk, we go places. My sister and BIL have helped me regain the ability to SMILE and have fun again.

I was tired of talking to a wall, begging, had poured out my heart, cried until I was blue in the face and his answers were alwasy "I just don't think anything is wrong. a lot of couples live like we do, it just happens over time"...

I had an affair. I have no regrets. It made me feel ALIVE inside again, needed, wanted, listened to, beautiful and incredibly happy. I now date here and there and he finally "gets it", but it's too late. NOW he wants to talk and listen. I don't blame just him. Afterall I apparently allowed the relationship to go stagnant as well as he did. We join the ranks of separated, getting divorced, all because we were closed off to each other. But what I firmly believe is that life is too short to live in a way that just wastes each other's lives, in a loveless, meaningless marriage. If I had it do do again, I'd divorce first, but either way, it's done. I totally understand where you're coming from and will support what you are doing AS LONG AS YOU CAN LIVE WITH YOURSELF. It could be the best thing you ever do for youself. I mean, maybe this marriage of yours should have never been at all...

It isn't sometime that I tell people that are unhappy in a marriage to do, but I can in all honesty say that mine is/was O-V-E-R. I could not get that man to participate in helping me recover what we once had. While he said "it happens to a lot of couples", I've witnessed couples who are little and old and still kiss and hold hands and cuddle and THAT'S WHAT I WANT! I want to live the rest of my life with some smiles and joy and peace knowing that what I am doing is meaningful, not wasting each other's lives.

I hope you find happiness. Life is really short and it is sad to live it without happiness. Good luck.

Does he reciprocate? - me

[ In Reply To ..]
And you REALLY don't need to answer that, don't really want to know. If he doesn't, it would be a cold day in "you know where" before I did and let him know exactly why.

go for it. - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
.

I agree - Spread 'em and reap!

[ In Reply To ..]
Cheating wives rawk!

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