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Gave all to the kids - now lonely - need advice about live

Posted: Jul 9, 2014

Hi all - While I feel like I did the right thing by not getting in any serious relationships whlie my kids were younger, now that they are busy teenagers (and with their dad part of the time), I am alone a lot. I know I am whining, but since I am not married and my kids are gone a lot, I am finding myself spending too much time alone. I have friends, but of course they have lives of their own. My son is 17 and hates for me to have company over. He is a good kid, never gets in any trouble, does whatever I tell him (even though it somtimes takes telling him a coupe of times), but me having people over makes him feel like his space is invaded and he complains bitterly about it. (To be clear, I don't mean men sleeping over, I mean visitors in the living room, etc.) My daughter is 14 and does not care whether I have company over or not, but she always wants to be gone. They tell me that they are gone a lot because we live in a small condo and it is boring and that none of their friends want to be there.

At this point, I am considering trying to find someone to be in a relationship with, but whattaya know - it's not that easy to find someone. I have had dates, but no one I want to have around all the time. In the past six years since my divorce, I have dated, done things with friends, etc. But, now I have gained some weight, which seems impossible to get off, most of my good friends have gotten into relationships that keep them busy, and with my added weight, my dating pool has gotten a lot more shallow.

I'm writing this because I am sad!! I'm lonely. I've cried a good bit over it. I keep trying to start a healthier eating plan but I get discouraged and quit. I can't keep my motivation, and I am lonely and sad in the meantime.

I just need suggestions. Encouragement. Stories from people who can relate, and from people who had similar situations but fixed them.

Anyone?

;

*Life (not live) - some MT I am lol (nm) - Divorced Mom of teeangers

[ In Reply To ..]
x

first and foremost - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Please don't let your 17-year-old preempt your wishes to have people over. You have every right to have visitors whether your son likes it or not.

If there are activities you enjoy, perhaps you could join a group of like-minded people to share your interests. Often, local libraries have book clubs, for example. Maybe there is an adult- education class you might like, such as a craft, painting, pottery, dance, foreign language?

If you enjoy nature, local nature centers often have guided walks, activities, etc. You can meet some nice people this way.

I think the key is to find something you enjoy - or would like to participate in - and join a group or a class. Perhaps there are some local volunteer organizations that would allow you to explore some of your interests - Meals on Wheels, Literacy Volunteers, Animal Shelter?

I'm sorry for your loneliness, and sending you hugs. Keep us posted!

Maybe you could find a chapter of Parents Without Partners - doneit

[ In Reply To ..]
I met my husband in PWP almost 30 years ago. PWP is a safe place to start because everyone knows that everyone they meet also has kids. They also have family activities as well as adults only activities (our chapter had roller skating, seminars about relationships, picnics, dances, etc, etc). It worked for me, but, I admit I don't even know if they still exist anymore! Why not look it up?

I would tell that selfish teen it's MY house, and - I will have my friends over. If -

[ In Reply To ..]
he had a problem with that, I'd tell him he is free to leave, either just while my friends are visiting, or permanently.

visitors - sueann

[ In Reply To ..]
I would be careful about this if I were you. I think a visitor might stay at your home 1-2 days per month, but when the visitor wants to stay 1-2 weeks per month, you should consider this very carefully.

Where does the OP say visitors for days or weeks? - sm. Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I think she's talking about having a friend/friends over for supper, to play cards, watch a movies, etc., not stay overnight. It's also not up to a visitor to decide how long they are going to stay. The hostess usually sets the parameters like "for the evening", for an afternoon barbecue, etc. You sound like you may be from a different country/culture, and I am stymied by your post.

Who said anything about visitors 1-2 wks/month? - Where did you get that idea?

[ In Reply To ..]

I'm no Dr. Phil, but here's a couple of - things...

[ In Reply To ..]
You don't really state what kind of relationship you want or need, so I will assume friends with benefits and maybe eventually permanent.

First of all, crying, lonely and sad don't attract anyone, or at least not the type you want for a relationship. Self-confident, generous, loving and happy are attractive.

If you feel a little (or a lot) overweight start with daily exercise. A brisk walk or dancing to uplifting music. You don't have to lose a lot of weight, but this changes brain chemistry and makes you feel better about yourself and is absolutely essential. A makeover of some sort might also be helpful and also daily affirmations, "I deserve the best" type of stuff, maybe corny, but they work. Learning to love yourself is the most important thing you can do to attract love.

Social activities are great, but proceed with caution. Getting involved with the hopes of meeting Mr. Right is probably not a great idea... Choose something YOU enjoy for YOU.

As far as your son goes, most boys his age have some mommy issues, so probably nothing to worry about, just explain that you need your life and space just like he does. Maybe even do a screening of "Psycho" with him to illustrate what can happen in a "humorous" way.

Finally, a lot of relationships are overrated, but the best relationship you can have is with yourself. Good luck!

You've Got to Give It Up - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
It's a Marvin Gaye song, maybe it will cheer you up. It's on YouTube.

Forget "the healthier eating plan." That's just a drag. Figure out what's healthy to eat, that you also happen to LIKE to eat. I do like dark green leafy vegetables, fish - and now that I have a job, I can afford some groceries!

I digress. Eating is supposed to be enjoyable. So find ways to enjoy it.

If you're lonely - lower your expectations. A LOT. Trying to find someone "to be in a relationship with?" Wow. That's a tall order. Why not just get together with some people who share the same interest(s), for friendship. No. Lower your expectations even more. Get together and see what happens. That's all. One step at a time.

I met someone at a bookstore today, a female friend. When I got to the bookstore early, I was thinking how people sometimes meet at bookstores on a "first date." I really don't like Barnes and Noble all that much - just the smell of it, that distinctive Barnes and Noble smell...then at the cafe, they asked me if I wanted "lemonade in my iced tea." I thought, I've been out of it for a while, if they offer lemonADE in your iced tea now.

Then there was a man there, about my age, IN A SOMBRERO - not a cute sombrero, but the cheap kind you'd win at a carnival...why oh WHY? What if I went on a blind date and the guy showed up in a cheap carnival sombrero......erg.......but hey, I'm just going with the flow.

Then it was nice spending time with my friend, although it wasn't that full blown laugh riot that I have had with some friends in the past. Nor was it a really interesting, intellectually stimulating conversation. But hey, I'm just going with the flow.....

So all in all, it was a successful day. I worked too many hours this week at my new job. Can't wait to work my reduced hours NEXT WEEK.

That's my two cents worth. Good luck and don't beat yourself up!

wheresmyjob - I don't mean to get off the OP subject here

[ In Reply To ..]
but you made me laugh. The sombrero was too much for me. That's the kind of stuff that happens to me. For the OP, just get in an exercise routine and your body will change somehow. Do things to strengthen the muscles. Find out what is making you gain weight and try to cut that down. It's really hard especially if it is cookies and ice cream. As far as your wanting to entertain in the home, I don't think we can tell you about that one, but put yourself in your kids shoes I guess. Maybe you can go out instead.

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